Shouted at because I didnt want to lick his @ss

[Littlesparrow0]

Exactly how the title is! Last night I was humiliated and shouted at because I said no to a sexual request of licking his bum hole.
Granted our sex life is non existent as we have 2 toddlers and im knackered by the time he looks for sex at 1 or 2am plus its a pretty controlled relationship and since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with our second dc he told me I wouldnt be allowed to bring our kids to my parents house unless he was there etc. My life since having the kids have been really challenging as I dont have a support network since he started pulling me away from my family. Ive been able to deal with having no friends etc basically no life up until my children came along. Since the kids have came along im finding being stuck in the house all the time really frustrating and depressing. I feel like I cant go anywhere without him having an opinion on it and I can see its not healthy for the children

So with all of that and feeling very alone I honestly don't have any attraction towards him anymore as I'm just miserable all the time. I have sex with him just to make the next day a bit easier to deal with so he's not having a huff.

Anyway last night i suggested oral as he was complaining he hadn't had any action for a week. Took into the deed and he kept really thrusting into my throat which I cant stand, I asked him to calm down a bit and he wasn't impressed. He continued to do it anyway and I had to stop a few times as I thought I was going to be sick. Then the request for licking his ass came and I tried to decline as politely as I could. His face was so angry. And he just started shouting at me about the fact I never give him sex and when I do oral how rubbish it is etc. I felt humiliated and embarrassed and less of a woman. Im also so angry that he cant understand ive lost my attraction to him since he started pulling me away from the only people I have left, my family. Hes also putting pressure on me to have another child which I really don't want. Not because I wouldnt like another child, I just don't think I could handle having another child with him. I basically go on as a single sahm anyway as he does very little. I do everything for the kids. He doesn't even bother to get up with us in the mornings, he'll lie on til almost 12 in the afternoon.

I'm disgusted ive spent 15 years with someone who has made me feel totally worthless. The crap ive put up with just makes me feel so ashamed of myself and my kids are fantastic but I completely regret they have him as a father. I wish so badly I could turn back time to when we first got together.

I want to leave so badly especially for my children's sake. I dont want either of them growing up thinking this is what "love" is and having them see my cry or be upset. Its also at the stage now our first child who is 3 now asks if we can visit my mum and dad or asks if we can go somewhere and I keep giving him excuses. I can see thats no way to raise a child and its really upsetting me that I've let my two children down.

Also incredibly embarrassing im airing this to strangers online but I honestly don't have anyone else to share this with. But yep feeling pretty down after the scenario last night. Hes still in bed of course and im dreading what ill have to deal with with he gets up.

I pride myself on being a decent human being, always helping others and putting others before myself. So why or how on earth have I been punished by being in a relationship that has totally ripped me apart throughout the years.

Such good advice from pp, just want to offer a virtual hand hold
He is a vile, abusive bastard, please accept my first ever LTB

@Greenmarmalade

And please get some double contraception ASAP. He wants to get you pregnant to control you.

This

Seriously pack up everything essential - inc passports, birth certs, proof of finances, sentimental/irreplaceable items the next time he's out the house and just leave permanently go to your family. This is no life you are being abused in almost every way and it's no life for your kids either.

You will find it hard at first but it will definitely be worth it to escape.

I doubt he'll tell people "personal stuff" and even if he does HE will look the arsehole not you.

You can survive the temporary embarrassment.

You can also manage being a single mum LOADS of us do, I'm not saying it's easy but it's easier than what you're currently dealing with!

I raised dd myself and while it was hard work and there were trying times it was definitely preferable to being in your situation

you CAN do this

please..... leave 🌺

I can't imagine anything he can supposedly tell people will be worse than what you have been living with these past 15 years. Some great advice has already been given by much more knowledgeable people. Do this for you and your kids future op. Good luck

Sorry you had to go through that OP he sounds disgusting. If ever there was a way to get E.coli that is it 🤢

That whole anal licking thing? I very much doubt that has much to do with enjoying the sensation for men, and much more to do with then thrill of a woman doing something degrading.

This. My EXH suggested/demanded it once, just before we separated and at the point when he would openly take amusement from degrading and humiliating me in all kinds of ways, from mocking me into front of friends or family to sexual stuff. Suffice to say he did not get his wish and I am now well shot of him and enjoying life with a Man who couldn't be further from abusive.

You can escape too OP. There's so much good advice on this thread. Please take it xx

Hi everyone, I've been reading the lovely replies yous all have took the time to write to me. I will come back & respond when I get a chance in-between the kids properly. Just a very busy morning with these 2. And hes still not up yet!

Just a quick response in the meantime the house is shared in both names through the council. The blackmail isn't the usual blackmail, its actually about someone who touched me when I was 17 and I dont want it coming out. It would destroy the person who done it to me as they were drunk and it was a spilt second thing that has NEVER occurred again and im 36 now. Its not something I dwell on as I said it was in a split second and I was never put in that position again. Ive spoke to the person a few years ago about it and could see they were genuinely disgusted and upset for putting me in a position like that. Apologised profusely which I accept. But I do not want it being public knowledge, which is exactly what my partner will do. To make me suffer and also the other person because he knows that will hurt me. Does that make sense???

Apologies it took me over an hr to finally post that as the kids are just relentless this morning and I cant get 5 mins to myself. Partner is now up from about 20 mins ago. Its total silence from him. All picture & no sound. I was made to live like that for just over a week until 2 days ago and now its back to that again. I hate this cause its just a really shity atmosphere in the house. I just want to get in the car and drive away by myself for an hr to have some time to think to myself in peace

Op stop worrying about a person who abused you (and it was abuse whether it happened once or 100 times) and put yourself first. If you can't do that, put your kids first. It's that simple.

I wish you all the best.

What would happen if you did just that- got in the car and drove away? Would he go mad, or harm the kids to scare you into coming back?

You know you need to leave- once you have left, and you are safe, you can speak to the police about his threats of blackmail.

You are allowed to travel to escape dv op..

Passports, marriage licence some things for you and the kids and go. Text your parents and ask them to pick you up down the road. Use the time in his bed to pack the car and go.

I'm so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I echo everyone else on the thread encouraging you to leave him.

Abuse, coercive control it's all against the law. There is support out there.

As for anything he threatens to make public. Who is going to believe anyone he says, when you have had to go into a refuge. Absolutely noone. It's an empty threat.

Wishing you all the very best to get away from this dreadful excuse for a human being.

Your life, and yours children's will be so much better when you get away from him

The abuse he is holding you to
Is far worse than the damage he could do with telling the truth. You are a victim twice- he could hold this over you for the rest of
Your life if you let him.

I’m not saying it’s easy but if you do leave you can tell family friends he has been making your life hell and emotional abusing and controlling you. Any suddenly revelations about your past can be put down to him bad mouth you and don’t have to be discussed or acknowledged. More of a what’s he done or said now? Roll eyes. I’m not under estimating the weight of a secret & anxiety about damage it can do to families.

But he is also an abuser, he seems to think shaming you and the other person for one action will be horrendous enough to make you stay. But has no shame or worry about you telling family and friends he has been abusing you for years sexual, controlling. What I’m trying to say is he can’t play both cards at the same time. YOU are the victim twice, any support and sympathy should be coming your way in droves. Anyone worth anything in your life will support you 100% and the rest who cares- get rid!

OP,

You are in a highly controlling abusive relationship.

This is a crime.

Please call the police.

He is blackmailing you to stay in an abusive relationship.

This is another crime.

I appreciate it is very difficult.

Ring Women's Aid.
Ring 101 and ask for help.

Asking for help is the first step to being free.

Pft, they all act disgusted with themselves when called out on shit. If he didnt want being a creepy bastard to get out then he should not have been a creepy bastard.

All you have to do is refuse to talk about it to anyone who asks about it. Your partner could get done for slander if he bands that shit about without you backing it up so I doubt he will say anything.

I'd find all the important documents you need, then pack yourself and kids into the car and see your folks. Stay with them if you can, and tell them everything that's been going on - how your h treats you, how he controls you and won't let you see people. Once you do this, your h loses a lot of his power.

Then contact Women's Aid to see how they can help.

Do you have money? Who owns your house?

That’s just such a non issue to hold over you, it was 20 years ago. They apologised, you accepted the apology end of story.

It’s not like you shagged a whole rugby team, all their dads and the spectators in one night is it?.

He’s blown it way out of proportion, a lot of us have been sexually assaulted by drunk men. It was practically compulsory in the 90’s.

the blackmail isn't the usual blackmail, its actually about someone who touched me when I was 17 and I dont want it coming out

You do realise you just have to say that he made that up maliciously, don't you? Why would anyone that mattered believe him?

Everyone has things about them they would rather people did not know about.
Honestly those that love you will not care one hour about it. If it's sexual then perhaps you were coerced into it. If it's shoplifting , done to feed your kids. People do things at the time to make their life easier , you don't need to justify yourself to anyone. Leave him.

@nottomgates

Pack a bag. Get your children. Go to your parents. Tell them everything. Stay with them and look at women’s refuges. Look at women’s aid. He’s abusive and you deserve better. He will try to manipulate you to stay. He may threaten allsorts. But he can’t get at you if you are strong. Having people on your side makes you strong and that’s why he has pushed you away from others. He wants you feeling like you only have him. He will probably insult you to try to make you feel like you’re worthless and need him. You don’t. Anyone can start again and so can you.

Please listen to this

@Littlesparrow0 Actually, I think that the blackmail you describe is EXACTLY the usual blackmail people like your partner use. I almost asked before whether the "information" he knew was linked to some sort of sexual abuse/innapropriate behaviour when younger but didnt because I didnt want to pry.
But rergardless of who the person was, third hand information on something he did 10 years ago wont ruin his life (regardless of whether it should). If you dont want to confirm the rumours you can easily brush them of.

@Fluffycloudland77

That’s just such a non issue to hold over you, it was 20 years ago. They apologised, you accepted the apology end of story.

It’s not like you shagged a whole rugby team, all their dads and the spectators in one night is it?.

He’s blown it way out of proportion, a lot of us have been sexually assaulted by drunk men. It was practically compulsory in the 90’s.

Actually even if the OP did shag the whole rugby team etc etc - I would still rather get out of this relationship.

OP - you are a living slave - think about that. Please get out.

You could lie and deny his accusations as viscous lies.