Shouted at because I didnt want to lick his @ss

[Littlesparrow0]

Exactly how the title is! Last night I was humiliated and shouted at because I said no to a sexual request of licking his bum hole.
Granted our sex life is non existent as we have 2 toddlers and im knackered by the time he looks for sex at 1 or 2am plus its a pretty controlled relationship and since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with our second dc he told me I wouldnt be allowed to bring our kids to my parents house unless he was there etc. My life since having the kids have been really challenging as I dont have a support network since he started pulling me away from my family. Ive been able to deal with having no friends etc basically no life up until my children came along. Since the kids have came along im finding being stuck in the house all the time really frustrating and depressing. I feel like I cant go anywhere without him having an opinion on it and I can see its not healthy for the children

So with all of that and feeling very alone I honestly don't have any attraction towards him anymore as I'm just miserable all the time. I have sex with him just to make the next day a bit easier to deal with so he's not having a huff.

Anyway last night i suggested oral as he was complaining he hadn't had any action for a week. Took into the deed and he kept really thrusting into my throat which I cant stand, I asked him to calm down a bit and he wasn't impressed. He continued to do it anyway and I had to stop a few times as I thought I was going to be sick. Then the request for licking his ass came and I tried to decline as politely as I could. His face was so angry. And he just started shouting at me about the fact I never give him sex and when I do oral how rubbish it is etc. I felt humiliated and embarrassed and less of a woman. Im also so angry that he cant understand ive lost my attraction to him since he started pulling me away from the only people I have left, my family. Hes also putting pressure on me to have another child which I really don't want. Not because I wouldnt like another child, I just don't think I could handle having another child with him. I basically go on as a single sahm anyway as he does very little. I do everything for the kids. He doesn't even bother to get up with us in the mornings, he'll lie on til almost 12 in the afternoon.

I'm disgusted ive spent 15 years with someone who has made me feel totally worthless. The crap ive put up with just makes me feel so ashamed of myself and my kids are fantastic but I completely regret they have him as a father. I wish so badly I could turn back time to when we first got together.

I want to leave so badly especially for my children's sake. I dont want either of them growing up thinking this is what "love" is and having them see my cry or be upset. Its also at the stage now our first child who is 3 now asks if we can visit my mum and dad or asks if we can go somewhere and I keep giving him excuses. I can see thats no way to raise a child and its really upsetting me that I've let my two children down.

Also incredibly embarrassing im airing this to strangers online but I honestly don't have anyone else to share this with. But yep feeling pretty down after the scenario last night. Hes still in bed of course and im dreading what ill have to deal with with he gets up.

I pride myself on being a decent human being, always helping others and putting others before myself. So why or how on earth have I been punished by being in a relationship that has totally ripped me apart throughout the years.

I had similar with my ex, nothing like the abuse you have experienced but saying things that were meant to humiliate me. I just said that’s not true, why do you lie all the time. He can’t make you admit anything OP.

I would also speak to the police and WA about the coercive control. I don’t think he or his family should have any influence on your toddlers.

Wow @Onthedunes do you think that's helpful?

OP - I don't see it playing out like that at all. I think you'll get a load of hot air and angry, nasty messages - which is why once I'd told him it was over I'd say, please don't contact me for a week or so as my phone will be off. Then switch it off.

He'll blame you to his family, some will believe him, some won't. Who cares really? You'll be safe and free of this abuse.

He'll ignore you sometimes, he'll mess the kids about as well as you. Then he will get used to it and find someone else to start the cycle all over again with.

You'll wish you'd been able to leave sooner. You'll get better. Your family will support you and believe you. That's what matters. Stuff his family, all of them.

@davidsSchitt

What I am saying is that he could still try to manipulate her when she has gone.
Abuse rarely ends so abruptly.
She needs to be on guard, protected and have as many safety measures put in place to out manoever him.

Outside help, WomensAid, the police, councelling and a warning to those arround her may make her escape easier.

Plenty of good solid responses here. I’d just like to echo and reinforce sentiments that this is in no way your fault. Things have become horrifically inverted here. He is actually the weak one, and you the strong. You are the reasonable one, and he the unhinged. You will also probably be surprised how many people actually genuinely like/love you, and see your value. He sees the light in you which is why he tries to control and keep it hidden away just for him. If you truly had no value he wouldn’t feel the need to do that. His every action underscores your worth and his utter lack of it.

@Onthedunes and @davidsSchitt I think that you are both describing the same behaviours just with a different tone. I think it is v helpful for the OP to be given the heads up so that she can see the predicable, manipulative behaviours coming and get ahead. It may not be “that bad” but why not prepare for the worst and hope for “the best”?

Everyone has said almost everything I would have said to you, but here's a recap:

1. You need to leave.
2. People will believe you.
3. There is no way on God's earth that he will demand 50/50 access.
4. Your family have your back.

And a few more things from me:

1. You say that you'd like it to be amicable. In all likelihood it won't be, so my advice would be to quickly and quietly get your and the kids' things together.
2. Call Women's Aid for advice.
3. Remember passports, birth certificates and copies of financial documents. When he goes to work next week, get the hell out of there.
4. And steel yourself for the fallout. There will be some because an abuser hates to lose his victim, but by then you will be with your family who will support you.
5. Get legal advice regarding access to the children. Keep all texts but don't respond except to arrange access.

I wish you all the strength in the world.

Is there anything else going on here - is he a drinker / smoker?

I would not rush to give him access. He is inept. Let him take you to court. He won’t bother in the end and your DC will be all the better for not having this thug in their lives.

This was really hard to read OP. This isn’t ok. Please contact a domestic abuse charity and talk to your close family. They’ll help you leave.

People who are important to you will believe you. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone else.

This man has undermined yourself confidence and made you believe that you haven’t coped well and made you believe that your sex drive is the problem. It isn’t. You’ve coped well and young children extract all of your energy. The problem is that he’s undermined you and made you feel like your feelings aren’t valid. I work with a lot of domestic abuse cases and abusers biggest weapon is making you feel guilty. You are not responsible for him being abusive. You deserve better.

OP, you will not end up having the DC's half the time - you said he does nothing for them, he's not going to suddenly start. He will probably threaten you will 50/50 custody, but he won't follow through. Please, please make plans to leave him, this (all taken together) is a really serious level of abuse. Even if you have to be a bit skint for a few years, you will still be loads happier. Don't let yourself get pregnant again.

devil I agree with your list except number three. He really won't want 50/50 access but he will bluff that he will, to try to upset the op. She shouldn't rise to it as that is all it is - bluff and bluster.

Agree with PP who advise contacting a domestic abuse charity. Leaving can be risky so please get professional advice on the best way to do it to keep everyone safe.

Get your stuff together and go to your family, today.
If he kicks up a fuss, call Police.
There's no way he'll fight for the kids, he won't know what to do with them, he's hardly involved.
I know it's hard but take courage from here and do it for your kids, they deserve better.
If you leave it longer, you'll be 20 years together etc.

I just read your post out loud to my DH. He was horrified.

Get your kids and get of there. Go to family where you are safe and loved
Today

He’ll never get 50% custody, he can’t even get out of bed! Please think of yourself and your dc, this is no life for you.

I'm not going to add anything that pp haven't already said.

I never say ltb but serious leave him! This is appalling!

Wow he is awful. I believe you. Your life will be so much better when you get out away from him.

If you go into a Refuge, they will help you and make sure your kids do not EVER have to visit him

@Moirarose2021 that’s brilliant to read! Is your life completely different now?

When I read, especially the sex act he forced you to perform, this I thought “rapist”. People have been convicted for less. Maybe look up Cocoawareness on twitter. This man sounds a monster. He’ll never get joint custody. I hope you get out soon.

@Emel1800

When I read, especially the sex act he forced you to perform, this I thought “rapist”. People have been convicted for less. Maybe look up Cocoawareness on twitter. This man sounds a monster. He’ll never get joint custody. I hope you get out soon.

I'm glad you have written this because this seems to me to be an act of horrific sexual abuse.

Horrific.

If you can just gather the strength to reach out, I think people will act and protect you.

@billy1966

I agree, totally shocking and the worrying thing is, this has been normalised for op, excusing herself not doing it becaused of tiredness.

I believe this abusive man could be very dangerous if pushed into losing control.
Op needs outside help other than her family.

How are you op tonight ?

This is abuse OP. You don't have to live like this. Just pack up and go. Work things out from the safety of your parents house. He won't get much in the way of custody, certainly not 50:50 and he will tire of looking after the kids. Resign yourself to the fact that his family won't like you and that he will say things about you. Keep your head held high, keep your dignity. When you leave, cut down the contact with him. Ideally make him go through someone else to give you a message, a solicitor or a family member.

You can do this and life will be so much better. Give your kids a happy home x

I'm so angry he treats you like this. Just because he doesn't respect you doesn't mean you can't respect yourself. I'd laugh at 'lick my ass' if the whole situation wasn't so utterly tragic. I hope you leave him soon.