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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shouted at because I didnt want to lick his @ss

214 replies

Littlesparrow0 · 30/01/2021 09:58

Exactly how the title is! Last night I was humiliated and shouted at because I said no to a sexual request of licking his bum hole.
Granted our sex life is non existent as we have 2 toddlers and im knackered by the time he looks for sex at 1 or 2am plus its a pretty controlled relationship and since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with our second dc he told me I wouldnt be allowed to bring our kids to my parents house unless he was there etc. My life since having the kids have been really challenging as I dont have a support network since he started pulling me away from my family. Ive been able to deal with having no friends etc basically no life up until my children came along. Since the kids have came along im finding being stuck in the house all the time really frustrating and depressing. I feel like I cant go anywhere without him having an opinion on it and I can see its not healthy for the children

So with all of that and feeling very alone I honestly don't have any attraction towards him anymore as I'm just miserable all the time. I have sex with him just to make the next day a bit easier to deal with so he's not having a huff.

Anyway last night i suggested oral as he was complaining he hadn't had any action for a week. Took into the deed and he kept really thrusting into my throat which I cant stand, I asked him to calm down a bit and he wasn't impressed. He continued to do it anyway and I had to stop a few times as I thought I was going to be sick. Then the request for licking his ass came and I tried to decline as politely as I could. His face was so angry. And he just started shouting at me about the fact I never give him sex and when I do oral how rubbish it is etc. I felt humiliated and embarrassed and less of a woman. Im also so angry that he cant understand ive lost my attraction to him since he started pulling me away from the only people I have left, my family. Hes also putting pressure on me to have another child which I really don't want. Not because I wouldnt like another child, I just don't think I could handle having another child with him. I basically go on as a single sahm anyway as he does very little. I do everything for the kids. He doesn't even bother to get up with us in the mornings, he'll lie on til almost 12 in the afternoon.

I'm disgusted ive spent 15 years with someone who has made me feel totally worthless. The crap ive put up with just makes me feel so ashamed of myself and my kids are fantastic but I completely regret they have him as a father. I wish so badly I could turn back time to when we first got together.

I want to leave so badly especially for my children's sake. I dont want either of them growing up thinking this is what "love" is and having them see my cry or be upset. Its also at the stage now our first child who is 3 now asks if we can visit my mum and dad or asks if we can go somewhere and I keep giving him excuses. I can see thats no way to raise a child and its really upsetting me that I've let my two children down.

Also incredibly embarrassing im airing this to strangers online but I honestly don't have anyone else to share this with. But yep feeling pretty down after the scenario last night. Hes still in bed of course and im dreading what ill have to deal with with he gets up.

I pride myself on being a decent human being, always helping others and putting others before myself. So why or how on earth have I been punished by being in a relationship that has totally ripped me apart throughout the years.

OP posts:
littlepattilou · 30/01/2021 11:28

@Dery

Thanks *@littlepattilou and @Hailtomyteeth*! Great posts from you, too!
😘
Moominmama5 · 30/01/2021 11:30

This is my first LTB.
When he’s out:
Gather your belongings as listed by PP
Go to your parents with the kids
Tell them about the abuse
I’d also tell them he’s got things he’s threatening to tell people and tell them what they are so you regain the power. Your parents will just want you safe. Write them down if you can’t say it.

What would you tell your kids to do if they were in this situation and being kept from you by an abusive partner? Do that.

You can do this. Do it for yourself. Do it for your kids.

Pippin2028 · 30/01/2021 11:30

Really even if he threatens to say stuff about you or he has stuff on you, really what could he say? That's just another way to abuse you and he has cut you off from everyone anyway so his completely limited in what he do or say. The good news is you have some great advice on here, there is support available, it will be really hard, the hardest thing you will do but it will be so worth it to leave, have freedom and be happier.

Greenmarmalade · 30/01/2021 11:31

And please get some double contraception ASAP. He wants to get you pregnant to control you.

NotFabulousDarling · 30/01/2021 11:31

I don't know what he's holding over you. Please don't let him hold anything over you that the two of you did together or that he made you do. We all have our limits as to what we will and won't accept in a relationship. It sounds like you've found yours. Your parents won't listen to the word of someone treating their daughter like this, if he's slowly cut you off from them, they've probably been waiting for you to see the light. It sounds like you've given everything you have to this relationship and he has thrown that down the toilet. Can you get to your parents? Or somewhere else safe?

PurpleFlower1983 · 30/01/2021 11:32

You need to leave this abusive man as soon as possible.

MichelleofzeResistance · 30/01/2021 11:32

Oh OP Flowers

Your OP is so brave. You explain how know exactly what is wrong here; you've explained it. You know you want to leave, you've come here and told other women. You know what's ahead to deal with and you're dreading it but you're also making plans. Most of all, you know this isn't ok and you don't want it. Huge admiration for that after what you dealt with last night. Flowers Flowers Flowers

Listen to those instincts, take the advice here that helps you and find someone who deserves you and would never make you feel the way you must have done last night.

Flumo · 30/01/2021 11:34

I've been here and honestly it was the best thing I have ever done. You will not regret doing it, nearly 5 years on and I've never been so happy I've recently had my 3rd child with an amazing man who cares for me and my other 2 children. My ex still has the kids 2 nights a week which works well for us, I wish you all the luck in the world its incredibly hard to do but so worth it. 💕

Branleuse · 30/01/2021 11:38

it doesnt even matter that he will tell stuff about you. 1 its blackmail and he could get in even worse shit for that as its officially classed as abuse now, and 2, i can almost guarantee that if some bloke starts telling people private things about their partner, then most people would be horrified that the man was saying this stuff. Nobody likes or trusts men who do this shit.
You need to get away. Hes coercing you into degrading yourself and he is repeatedly doing so. He is abusing you.

FraggleShingleBellRock · 30/01/2021 11:40

Op I was a situation very similar to yours. My ex was abusive and horrible and treated me like shit in his shoe. Christmas Day 1999 he refused to get out of bed for our kids to open their presents. I just suddenly saw my life, my poor little girl excited but unable to open a present. My brand new two week old crying along with me . I turned the tv up, packed a bag with 5-6 outfits each, stuffed the Moses basket with nappies and my sterilisers and squeezed all the food and drink and my two beauty kids into my old battered mini metro. I drive to my mums and never looked back. We had to stay in her tiny box room but within 8 weeks we had our own little house ten doors away from mum and my sisters.

I know it's hard. It's scary. But you can do this and you and your kids will 100% benefit from getting away. Please call women's aid. Consider calling the police too.

Is it possible that a family member has space for you to stay? Even if it's on inflatable mattresses, it's better than what you are being put through now.

Ballstothis148 · 30/01/2021 11:42

Seriously get out - friend had this same situation, being bulldozed on everything. She didn’t leave til 7 years in and by that point he’d destroyed her self esteem and she wasn’t recognisable. Taken two years for her to sort of stabilise but she’s not the same. He just dominated her and she’s so meek and small now. And she’s trying to parent at the same time.

I know everyone makes mistakes, people sometimes need space to learn but not on this. Would you ever bully someone - your other half - like this, and so repeatedly? It’s horrific :(

davidsSchitt · 30/01/2021 11:43

Just go. Your sister is 15 minutes away, go tell her everything and get her to help you tell your other family.

You won't regret it and you can do it.

AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN · 30/01/2021 11:45

Leave and leave today. Get in the car and head to your parents.

colouringindoors · 30/01/2021 11:49

Please, please leave this awful man. You and your kids deserve kindness, love and happiness. You Can do this.

MGMidget · 30/01/2021 11:51

Can you seek some legal advice? i know its difficult at the moment but you have worries over repercussions of leaving so you need to know where you stand so you can act from a position of strength. Very difficult to get advice when you are being controlled and watched all the time and very little excuses to go out of the house in lockdown. Is he ever out of the house when you could get some telephone advice?

Singlenotsingle · 30/01/2021 11:52

Just get out. Go to your parents. What a disgusting arsehole - a very appropriate comment in this case. It could be dangerous and unhealthy to do what he wants. Don't worry about him slagging you off. It would say more about him than you. Go go go.

IEat · 30/01/2021 11:52

How awful to be made to feel like shit. Tub are brave and strong to have spoken out about your relationship. Everyone has the final straw that breaks the camels back.
I would call my someone to come and me and the kids.
So what if he tells people those that love you won’t give a shit
We all have a past
Continue to be brave and strong and find YOU

Holothane · 30/01/2021 11:52

Get out now, as others have said .

Positivelysober · 30/01/2021 11:54

Agree with everything that has been said. Get out todayFlowers

JingleCatJingle · 30/01/2021 11:59

Ltb - now
Pack your money, passports, precious things kids stuff. Do it while he’s sleeping.
Get the kids.
Leave
Leave
Leave

Jeremyironseverything · 30/01/2021 12:00

If he says he'll fight for the kids, then your stock answer should be. "ok. We'll let the courts decide" in as flat and in an unconcerned voice as you can do. Once he realises that he can't goad you and rile you up using that as a weapon, he'll stop bothering. He doesn't want the kids. He will just want to use the threat to upset you - as have many abusive men in the past.

Don't get into discussions. Repeat "we'll let the courts decide" at every goad. Don't show any emotion about it. You'll have to be a good actress.

namitynamechange · 30/01/2021 12:08

First of all, it will be very hard for him to "tell" on you without making himself look bad. And abusive men are often super concerned with how they look.
Secondly, I dont know what the secret is. But if he does tell people it may well be mortifying, you might have people asking you about it or if you wronged someone you might have the fall out to deal with. But then thats it. Once people know they know. They cant be told twice. And you can move on. That has to better than having degrading sex you dont want night after night with an abusive bastard.

EarthSight · 30/01/2021 12:10

Hes not telling me he's gonna tell people certain personal stuff about me, but I know when push comes to shove he will do it*

Fucking let him. If he does it, tell everyone about the abuse, shout it from the rooftops. You don't have to go into detail, but be open about the fact he was abusive sexually too. That whole anal licking thing? I very much doubt that has much to do with enjoying the sensation for men, and much more to do with then thrill of a woman doing something degrading.

Leave and go to your parents as soon as you can and make sure you tell the police.

You aren't being punished. Ethical, caring, kind people should be treasured, not abused. It's important that you keep valuing the fact that you want to be decent, but realise that it can also keep you in unhealthy relationships rather than letting go.

namitynamechange · 30/01/2021 12:12

It is also hard to build yourself up "to be strong enough to leave" while also being systematically broken down by day and having degrading sex by night. So yes, if there are very concrete things you need to put in place do that first if you must. But dont wait until you are strong enough. You are strong enough now. You come from a very long ancestry of strong women. I know this because, if you look at history, all our female ancestors had to be strong to survive. And you know yours were strong and did survive because you are the living proof.