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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shouted at because I didnt want to lick his @ss

214 replies

Littlesparrow0 · 30/01/2021 09:58

Exactly how the title is! Last night I was humiliated and shouted at because I said no to a sexual request of licking his bum hole.
Granted our sex life is non existent as we have 2 toddlers and im knackered by the time he looks for sex at 1 or 2am plus its a pretty controlled relationship and since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with our second dc he told me I wouldnt be allowed to bring our kids to my parents house unless he was there etc. My life since having the kids have been really challenging as I dont have a support network since he started pulling me away from my family. Ive been able to deal with having no friends etc basically no life up until my children came along. Since the kids have came along im finding being stuck in the house all the time really frustrating and depressing. I feel like I cant go anywhere without him having an opinion on it and I can see its not healthy for the children

So with all of that and feeling very alone I honestly don't have any attraction towards him anymore as I'm just miserable all the time. I have sex with him just to make the next day a bit easier to deal with so he's not having a huff.

Anyway last night i suggested oral as he was complaining he hadn't had any action for a week. Took into the deed and he kept really thrusting into my throat which I cant stand, I asked him to calm down a bit and he wasn't impressed. He continued to do it anyway and I had to stop a few times as I thought I was going to be sick. Then the request for licking his ass came and I tried to decline as politely as I could. His face was so angry. And he just started shouting at me about the fact I never give him sex and when I do oral how rubbish it is etc. I felt humiliated and embarrassed and less of a woman. Im also so angry that he cant understand ive lost my attraction to him since he started pulling me away from the only people I have left, my family. Hes also putting pressure on me to have another child which I really don't want. Not because I wouldnt like another child, I just don't think I could handle having another child with him. I basically go on as a single sahm anyway as he does very little. I do everything for the kids. He doesn't even bother to get up with us in the mornings, he'll lie on til almost 12 in the afternoon.

I'm disgusted ive spent 15 years with someone who has made me feel totally worthless. The crap ive put up with just makes me feel so ashamed of myself and my kids are fantastic but I completely regret they have him as a father. I wish so badly I could turn back time to when we first got together.

I want to leave so badly especially for my children's sake. I dont want either of them growing up thinking this is what "love" is and having them see my cry or be upset. Its also at the stage now our first child who is 3 now asks if we can visit my mum and dad or asks if we can go somewhere and I keep giving him excuses. I can see thats no way to raise a child and its really upsetting me that I've let my two children down.

Also incredibly embarrassing im airing this to strangers online but I honestly don't have anyone else to share this with. But yep feeling pretty down after the scenario last night. Hes still in bed of course and im dreading what ill have to deal with with he gets up.

I pride myself on being a decent human being, always helping others and putting others before myself. So why or how on earth have I been punished by being in a relationship that has totally ripped me apart throughout the years.

OP posts:
Doingitaloneandproud · 30/01/2021 11:05

Oh OP, you don't deserve to be treated like this, no one does. I'm sorry, each to their own, but no way I'm licking someone's butt. Not a chance. You can do this on your own, when my ex left he took all my money and me and my son moved in with my parents. Is that an option for you? You deserve so much more and the kids do too Thanks

Meramera · 30/01/2021 11:09

Hi OP,
The problem with staying, is that your brain and mental energy is so busy trying to compute all the ways to stay safe in the relationship, not rocking the boat, trying to predict his mood and response etc, it’s hard to see the wood for the trees.
That’s why refuge and going to a safe space allows you time to actually think your way through.
You have a lot of options available to you.
You could make a complaint to police, and go down that route.
You can also contact women’s aid.
You say you don’t work, so you maybe eligible for legal aid to put a non molestation order in place or an occupation order if you want to stay at your home. I do think it’s important to get what’s happening to you documented with some agency though.
Tbh it’s a lot to navigate, I would contact women’s aid and start from there. If you are assessed as high risk, you’ll hopefully be referred to an Idva or supported by a worker who will lay out all your options on the table.
Don’t worry about the usual threat of ‘I’ll take the kids’, they ALL say that.

Hailtomyteeth · 30/01/2021 11:09

Dear God. Leave him. Can you go today?
You will be fine. You'll be better than you ever imagined, though the first few months will be hard.
Any time things seem bad, remember he wanted you to lick his arsehole. The disgusting bastard. Let him lick some man's arsehole if that's what he's into.
We know there are allegedly people (women even) who say they are happy to do those things. But if it seems as repulsive to you as it does to me, don't stay there. Don't.
@Dery has made a fabulous post. Do that. Flowers

OurChristmasMiracle · 30/01/2021 11:10

Please please leave. He may fight for the kids but he won’t actually maintain contact for the simple reason that once he’s got the kids for the weekend you are free to do whatever you want- and any man whose controlling hates this idea. The “I want to see my kids” will come occasionally but in reality it will be a way to get back at you or to see you and try to convince you to return to him. He may show up looking sorry for himself. Promising to change. Crying. He won’t change though. Not long term anyway. He might for a few weeks but then it will go back to how it is now and worse- because he will know you will take him back.

You deserve so very much more. Not only do your children deserve better but so do you!

You are strong enough to do this! One step at a time and you will have the support of all these lovely mumsnetters behind you (and trust me they are a force to be reckoned with when needed!!)

Contact local domestic abuse charities or walk into your local police station and ask for help. Reach out to family friends everyone. Tell them what’s been happening.

You can do this!!

madroid · 30/01/2021 11:13

If you are leaving try to get your MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE. You need it to get divorced!

As soon as you leave you will feel stronger and the children will be happier. You will rediscover the person you used to be.

I wish you all the strength you need. Hold your head up, you refused to do it. Never forget that. You refused. Because you know that you are worth so so much more than that piece of dirt.

Dery · 30/01/2021 11:14

Thanks @littlepattilou and @Hailtomyteeth! Great posts from you, too!

rainbowstardrops · 30/01/2021 11:14

Get the kids and go. Next time he might do more than 'just' shouting.

InTheDrunkTank · 30/01/2021 11:14

Don't rush anything OP. Contact women's aid and get expert advice. You're a nice person in an abusive relationship. In one year's time your life could look completely different and you can be happy.

Tomcullenisahero · 30/01/2021 11:14

He sounds utterly terrible, I hope you have friends and family near that can support you. Please reach out to them today and that'll get the ball rolling. Keep safe and you deserve to be happy.

idloveapie · 30/01/2021 11:14

He wants to do degrading things to you because he has no respect for you.

And not allowed to see your own parents? Ridiculous inadequate little man trying to get power the only way he can.

My first ever LTB. This is no way to live. Your kids and you will be better off for it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/01/2021 11:15

I've just read your other threads, OP. This abuse has clearly been happening for quite a long time. You mentioned you can't go to your parents' house - is that just because there is no room, or something else? Even blow-up beds are better than putting up with that type of abuse.

If you're still in your shared tenancy council house then could you speak to the council and explain that you're in an abusive relationship? This has been suggested on your previous threads so I was wondering if you had tried to do that yet?

Thedarknightsarelifting · 30/01/2021 11:16

You were raped last night. Call the police, call your parents and leave. Save yourself and your children.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 30/01/2021 11:17

Get out, get out, get out. Please.

Spartacusdome · 30/01/2021 11:17

He is the embarrassment. Get help ASAP.

Kittykat93 · 30/01/2021 11:18

Him wanting you to lick his arse is the least of your worries. He sounds absolutely vile in every way.

Ashard20 · 30/01/2021 11:18

Please go. You will be able to be yourself again for your children. There are far worse things than being alone. Creating a tight little family unit, you and your children, while they're still this young, will be something very precious that you and they will really treasure for the rest of all your lives.
Now is the time to do it and you can do it. This is an ugly life for you and your children - you all deserve better.
I am sure that your family will feel nothing but relief.

NeedToKnow101 · 30/01/2021 11:21

I really hope you can find the strength to leave this bastard. In a practical, safe way. Your children and you deserve so much better.

MrsWindass · 30/01/2021 11:21

It sounds like you have been licking his ass for 15 years . Time to get out .

Ninkanink · 30/01/2021 11:22

Fuck that shit (or don’t, more accurately)! That is vile and he is not a good man.

Seriously, get yourself and your children out of there.

You are strong and you have all the resources within yourself to do this.

BBCONEANDTWO · 30/01/2021 11:22

OMG - go now - please I beg you - I really do - it seems scary but the hell you are living in is going to kill you - it won't be long till he physically abuses you - he's already sexually and emotionally abusing you.

Please sneak off while he's having his long lie - go and phone your mum or women's aid - you cannot stay.

Licking his arsehole wtf does he think he is - the dirty bastard.

Lalliella · 30/01/2021 11:22

Please leave him.

Please don’t fell guilty or worthless or ashamed, you have no reason to, it is him making you feel like this. He is an abuser, a rapist and a gaslighter.

Don’t feel regrets about the past, you cannot change that. But you can change the future. Your eldest is only 3, it’s quite likely he won’t remember much about his early life anyway. But he will if you stay much longer.

Like PPs have said, get some help, whether it’s from Women’s Aid or your family. But please get yourself and your kids away from this horrible man.

Wyntersdiary · 30/01/2021 11:23

I regret reading this whilst eating lunch...

Santaiscovidfree · 30/01/2021 11:27

You can leave op..
My exh was similar. Once told him to just pull my nightie down when he had finished.
That became our normal.
I borrowed rent from a relative and hired a van. Left when he was at work.

Emerald99 · 30/01/2021 11:27

You deserve so much better op. There is better men out there who will treat you well. Flowers

Greenmarmalade · 30/01/2021 11:28

You must never, ever put your husband’s needs before your own.

“I pride myself on being a decent human being, always helping others and putting others before myself. So why or how on earth have I been punished by being in a relationship that has totally ripped me apart throughout the years.”

Because life can be shit and is never fair.

You are incredibly strong and will get through this, but you need to leave. Don’t tell him. Prepare as much as you can and leave in secret or with the help of family.

Don’t be afraid of him spreading stuff around about you- just laugh and deny it all. You have no reason to feel ashamed of ANYTHING.

I would also report the forced oral sex and control to the police as it will may you in the divorce.

You need to ask your family and any friends you used to have, for help.