Thousands of messages between them

[Shockedupsetscared]

It's such a fucking cliche. I found out yesterday my DH has been messaging a woman. He doesn't know I know, I saw his phone while he was using his indoor bike. Some app I'd never even heard of, I looked at it because I was curious. I don't know how long it's been going on, I couldn't even scroll back far enough to the beginning but it's months. There are literally thousands of messages between them. Lots of them explicit, photos and videos, but lots of them not. In a weird way it's the ones that aren't that are worse, is that stupid? They're messaging every single day, there are dozens of messages between them while he's at work. He's told her about stuff going on at his office that he hasn't told me yet, mundane stuff. Stuff about the kids, we have two teenage DC. I work a couple of evenings a week and he tells her when I'm due to work so they can plan their "playtime" together when they swap photos and videos. From what I can see they're planning to meet when Covid allows. He's told her he loves her but they talk about not breaking up their marriages. I've pretended I have a migraine since yesterday because I can't face him but I don't know what to say or do. What the fuck do I do?

When you do confront him make sure you have stuff to back it up. The mistake made with mine was to fly off the handle and he just deleted everything and denied it

What’s the app? Is it someone he knows in real life?

Do you have someone who can support you? You need to get your ducks in a row then get rid. You have proof, there’s not much discussion to have unless you think there’s a chance you could recover from this?

Also sorry he’s been such a shit, I hope you’re ok

Yes make sure you have copies of the text messages, especially: explicit/intimate ones and plans to meet up.

You have an advantage over many. You have all the info. For example you know how longs it's been going on / how intimate it is / what they talk about / sharing of pics / plans to meet (so you know they haven't met yet although this is frankly, irrelevant as it's only down to lockdown presumably) etc.

So you are in a position to think about what you want out of the confrontation before you wade in. Do you know what that is yet? Most people would tell you that it's unforgivable, a dealbreaker (and for me, it would be), but only you know what you want.

All i would say is

DON'T let me him use the fact that they haven't met to minimize.
EVEN if you want to fix the marriage. He has to believe that this may not be possible. Under 'normal' circumstances, I'd say that he has to leave the house for a while whilst you think about things. Is this an option? At the very least, he has to leave the bedroom. No matter what, he needs to understand the enormity of what he has done.

I'm so sorry. It's shit.

Think about what you want and then give him one chance to 'come clean'. If he doesn't, a slow but methodical reveal of the evidence. Then sit back, don't talk, don't help him by filling the gaps, make him do the work.

Best of luck OP.

Do:
Shark mode. This bastard is cheating on you.
Keep your mouth shut, for now. Let him think your migraine is exceptionally bad.
Think through legal and financial issues. See a solicitor. Don't tell him yet.
Read Chump Lady and all the MN posters past advice on ducks in a row. Don't forget a share of his pension.
Get angry. Get seriously, silently, blazing mad.
Make your plans.
Then tell him.
Don't accept any blame or listen to excuses. Don't minimise.
Don't delay. It costs us money. Go straight for the divorce and be ruthless.
He will show himself to be 'not the man you knew'. Get in first.

Not weird to find the day to day chat worse - it can be more intimate (and therefore more of a betrayal) that a sexual fling that just scratches an itch.

Take your time to figure out what you want. Don't confront until you have gathered proof that he can't delete. Be ready to move quickly after confrontation as there may be a period where he feels guilty and wants to help you out, but that can fade to cold and mean. You want to be out and have as much in place before that happens.

What do you do?

You leave his sorry arse. What a dickhead. Honestly OP if you stay with him most likely he will do it again. Men like this are only ever sorry they were caught.

Why does she need proof ? Divorce law isn’t punitive.

She knows, she can just tell him and end it. There is no need to play games.

You screen shot everything. No doubt he’ll tell you it was lockdowns fault, he was bored or some other such rubbish. You tell him to leave.

Wow. The marriage is so over. You don’t have to dick around. There’s nothing to be gained from being in a pretend crime movie. Just send him a text message “I saw all the messages between you and your slut. We’re done. You’re dumped. Pack your bags and leave NOW. Don’t speak to me again. You’ll be hearing from my solicitor you cheating scumbag”

Proof is so he can’t deny it or minimise it, or gaslight you. It’s also useful to remind yourself, in moments of doubt or weakness, what he did.

Mamagotskills it's Telegram.

I don't know what I want. Up until now I'd have said he;s been a good husband, a good father. He pulls his weight in the house, has always done his share with the kids. Our sex life hasn't been great for a few years, I know that, I know he'd like more sex but he's never pestered or made me uncomfortable. I just feel completely blinsided, I can't think straight. Every time I close my eyes I see the images in the messages, some of the affectionate things he's said to her.

Sorry for typos.

Are you scared/uncomfortable to confront him OP as that's the vibe I'm getting here?

It's up to you to decide whether you can live with it or not as you'll never get the real truth as to why he's done what he's done.

Closetbeanmuncher no, not at all. He's a gentle man, we never row, he never raises his voice. We get on great, we do things as a couple, we have a nice life. It's only really the bedroom where we're not on the same page. In a way if it was just sex I think I could understand it easier. It's so completely out of character for him, that's what I can't understand. I just want it to not be true.

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP.

What is it you want to happen ? We will all say to leave his lying cheating wanker and that you deserve better.

We will say that he has already had sex with her.

We will say as soon as he finds out you know he will minimise and lie further. He will blame you, possibly threaten suicide and take no responsibility.

We will all say get your ducks in a row - an exit plan. Get pictures of everything to do with money / important documents.

It's hard to find out this information and make some decisions... but you could tell him you know and that he needs to leave to give you sometime to think. Which will give you some space.

He isn't the man you thought he was.

I'm so sorry

Op do not feel any guilt about the lack of sex, he will use this as an excuse and to place the blame on you.
Don't fall for it, he probably was neglecting you and was pulling away anyway, he wasn't being fully invested in you it was bound to affect your sex life.

What a shit.
Time for consequenses.

What a shit he is. I'm so sorry you are going through this,been there myself and it's so hard. You've done nothing wrong,this is on him. Don't let him minimise or gaslight you

Happened to me too. Daily conversations about the weather, our dog , etc. Such a horrible betrayal.
I was in no place to make any boh decisions as I was so blindsided. And neither do you . Take time to think , confide in a friend , take copies of the messages , cover yourself financially.

Exact same thing , my DH was the quite good natured guy , never raised his voice to me , kind and generous .
But ultimately their actions show that they are selfish , liars , cheaters, deceitful creeps.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is devastating and I feel for you .

He definitely hasn't had sex with her in real life. The messages make that clear and they're too far apart physically.

I can'r truthfully say he was neglecting me either. He's always had a higher sex drive and I've always been less bothered. I'm overweight with stretch marks and I can never really relax into it. He always told me that didn't mater but I can't help being self-conscious about it. Over the last few years it's really dwindled away, he's stopped trying because I usually don't want it.

I know the script and I know I should be thinking of him as some awful devil who has every fault going but he really isn't. That's what I can't understand. He's a good man. But now he's drooling over this other woman and sharing intimate details of his life with her. Our life, my life. And I don't know what I do now. I just want to pull the duvet over my head and stop thinking about it but I can't/

There comes a time when you know in your heart that there's no point going on. Tell him you know. Make sure you've got evidence. Maybe suggest that you get yourself another man as well, and this one can sleep in the spare room? Just carry on as friends?

I'm sorry OP. Sometimes we just don't know people :(

Nothing dodgy with telegram in itself it's just a messaging app, but the messages are very much so. I think it's time to consider a divorce OP.

OP - most posters here will tell you to divorce your H immediately.
However - it’s your life and only you can decide what is right for you.
And in reality - based on what marriage counsellors say - most marriages don’t break upon discovery of an affair.
Many do, but not most.
Some of those staying together end up living in some sort of perpetual unhappy state.
Some - manage to figure out what led to an affair and find a way to rebuild their marriage. Marriage ‘2.0’, as some call it.
(Look up Esther Perel - she talks and rights about it a lot and can be of help)

Which path to choose is completely up to you. And you probably need time to even figure out what it is that you want. And, what your H wants and whether he is willing to put in a lot of hard work on the relationship.

Take care of yourself first. Take your time - and then talk to him.
While it’s not an excuse - but lack of sex is the most common reason why people end up seeking others while in a relationship.
By the sound of it - this is what happened and it went to a bit further to a form of virtual connection. It’s not really real - most of what they think they know about each other is their fantasy and a projection. But still hurts.

Good luck.

Stillfunny I'm so sorry this happened to you too. Yes, exactly those messages, the weather, our dogs. What they've both had for lunch, what they're planning to make for dinner. What they're watching on TV. And interspersed with all the explicit stuff, the photos, what they're going to do to each other when they meet.

Are you still together?