Thousands of messages between them

[Shockedupsetscared]

It's such a fucking cliche. I found out yesterday my DH has been messaging a woman. He doesn't know I know, I saw his phone while he was using his indoor bike. Some app I'd never even heard of, I looked at it because I was curious. I don't know how long it's been going on, I couldn't even scroll back far enough to the beginning but it's months. There are literally thousands of messages between them. Lots of them explicit, photos and videos, but lots of them not. In a weird way it's the ones that aren't that are worse, is that stupid? They're messaging every single day, there are dozens of messages between them while he's at work. He's told her about stuff going on at his office that he hasn't told me yet, mundane stuff. Stuff about the kids, we have two teenage DC. I work a couple of evenings a week and he tells her when I'm due to work so they can plan their "playtime" together when they swap photos and videos. From what I can see they're planning to meet when Covid allows. He's told her he loves her but they talk about not breaking up their marriages. I've pretended I have a migraine since yesterday because I can't face him but I don't know what to say or do. What the fuck do I do?

I actually feel really sorry for both of you. Having an intimate relationship is what defines a marriage or partnership. It’s the difference between other relationships. You say you don’t like your body, your husband does!
I would speak to him about it. Go to counselling together. Sex isn’t just about the physical act, it’s the connection, the intimacy and love that only a couple can have. Don’t let this ruin it. He’s looking for a connection because he can’t have that with you.
I get that sex for many women becomes less appealing, I’ve been there. You need to nurture your relationship it’ll come back.

Was this woman the only person he's been talking to on there?

If they have never met up in person, he may think he is not cheating.

I know a lot of men consider an encounter to be "cheating" only when the penis enters the vagina and anything prior to that is nothing.

I am sorry for your pain, OP.

You believed that your H was faithful and that you still had a close emotional connection. You are now stunned that he has been building emotional intimacy with this OW, as well as developing a sexual relationship with her. He is making a mockery of you by sharing the personal details of your lives with her, declaring his love, and making plans to sneak off to consummate their relationship.

His infidelity is all on him. If he had issues with your relationship, he owed it to you to have a serious conversation about his feelings. He had ethical options to use to deal with them, such as actively working with you, counseling, or ending the marriage. Instead, he has chosen the unethical path of cheating and deception. He is happy to lead a double life with his mistress.

In your shoes, I would confront soon and send him away while you process all of this and consider your options. Personally, this would be the end for me.

Agree with PP in that I feel really sorry for both of you

There is never a reason to cheat, and you've been cheated on which in itself is heartbreaking and awful.

However, he sounds like a good person who has tried kindly to get the emotional and sexual intimacy back with his wife. You've unfortunately prioritised your self-consciousness over working on and building that intimacy with your husband and albeit completely wrongly, he's had his head turned and is trying to get intimacy elsewhere.

Seems like a messy situation that isn't black and white.

I’m struggling to agree with PP when they say they feel sorry for him too. Why? He could’ve behaved like an adult and ended the marriage.

There’s no excuses for cheating IMO. Yes he is probably a good man (in other ways) but exchanging thousands of messages and even talking about you so openly like you mean nothing doesn’t paint that picture unfortunately.

I’m not saying he should’ve went without sex (that’d be very frustrating) but cheating on OP is totally unacceptable. There’s been numerous threads on here where women have expressed affairs on here because lack of intimacy within their marriage and have often been cheated on themselves and they get absolutely slaughtered.

If you're not bothered to either get over your self-consciousness OR lose weight/shape up so that you do feel more confident in bed, in order to keep your marriage alive, what did you expect?

If I were him I'd conclude you didn't give a shit and seek romance elsewhere.

Sex every four or five months is a pretty big hint that you don't give a damn about your marriage other than as a vehicle for child rearing. So why do you care if he seeks affection elsewhere. Have you put in any effort whatsoever, truthfully?

@NoEffingWay

He isn't the man you married, he made promises to you he didn't keep and he doesn't deserve you any longer.

Doesn't sound like she is making any effort to be the woman he married, either.

@pleasegodno

we've talked about it a few times in the past in the past but it's never really got beyond he'd like more sex, I'm not bothered. He doesn't sulk or blackmail or put pressure on me. Once or twice he tried some different things, massage oil and candles and stuff like that and it was nice enough but I was still self-conscious about my flab and my stretch marks and I wasn't bothered about trying those things again. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times a year now, I know it's not great but he doesn't pressure me, we just don't talk about it

But he's been trying hasn't he? He sounds like a really great guy and he had been trying in a really nice and gentle and supportive way to rekindle that intimacy between you both - and it does sound like it is the emotional as well as sexual intimacy of sex that he craves. And, this will sound harsh, but you have been prioritising your self-consciousness about your body, over the intimate part of your marriage and over the importance of that to him. You've put your head in the sand about what this would mean. The fact that he stopped trying with you, because you never responded, didn' t make the problem go away.

You need to decide what you want now. Whether to allow him to have a relationship with this woman but stay in this marriage, or whether you ask him to try again with you and you rekindle that intimate part of your relationship. But I really don't think that expecting him to stay in a sexless marriage is going to be an option for you.

I disagree with this. It can be the case that her husband had made manipulative remarks to erode the OPs confidence. Quite often the innocent spouse is undermined in a covert way by these softly spoken men who are the worst. OP there are many women of all shapes and sizes that still want sex with their husbands because they feel special. I think if you take some time out and really think about the words your husband uses in conversations you will see the double meaning and the lessening if intimacy. If you no longer feel confident it’s because he made it that way, not because there’s anything wrong with you.

@Shockedupsetscared I feel for you both in this situation, but WAY more for you. In that, if he was so unhappy he’s allowed his head to be turned to THIS extent? Damn, he should’ve just left soon as he felt intimacy build with someone else. It sounds like ( and I am THE MOST sceptical, LTB woman trust) he did try (the times with the massages and oils, kinda warmed my heart- but only cos none of my ex-assholes ever tried-that it was all on their terms of whining ‘you don’t love meee’ so I can’t say I have an exactly balanced Outlook there but I know I’ve debased myself on exes say-so and then regretted it.. the long an short of it is that if you’re not feeling it, you ain’t feeling it and if you’re anything like me, if you force it you’ll end up repulsed (what I did for my last rl even tho the guy was awesome I tried to fake the sexual connection cos I wanted to love it) so we know that doesn’t necessarily work.. but I don’t know what to suggest bc now I’d say he’s too far gone both in liking this other woman and in his secrecy and disrespect for you. I’d say get all your ducks in a row as MN says (wisely!), gather evidence of these messages by taking pics on your phone, confront him..but I mean realistically you’re setting yourself up for a miserable future- will you ever forget these affections, these messages? No. Is it completely unfair that this prick has bought this on you? Yes! But sadly we have to live with the consequences of these assholes actions.

If it was me I would say nothing.
Copy all messages and keep.
Block her number so she can’t message your dh.
Delete her details from the phone, he’s a man he is unlikely to remember her number.
Sit back and see what happens.

You’re going to have to confront it ASAP. I you don’t he will just continue to get in deeper. Sorry this is happening but at least if he knows that you know you can start planning what you are going to do about it x

Your DH had no justification to cheat.

I've been in his situation and I know how horrific it is, but he did have other options.

Saying that, he has effectively been made celibate against his will and without discussion. It sounds like he didn't immediately run off to the first woman for a quick shag, he tried sensitively to engage you and when you weren't interested he didn't push you. To be fair, on that front, he behaved well.

I'm not saying you should forgive him - he was faced with a situation and made a choice. He's responsible for that choice.

He has a right to an intimate life as much as you have a right to none. If you don't want intimacy again that's totally fine, and if you do but can't with him, that's fine too. Take evidence of his messages and confront him. Be aware though that the two of you are not sexually compatible at this moment and unless either of you undergoes some kind of change in libido/intimacy drive then this marriage can't continue in a way that's fair to either of you.

It's messy and horribly painful. I'm really sorry you're in this situation.

@PerveenMistry

If you're not bothered to either get over your self-consciousness OR lose weight/shape up so that you do feel more confident in bed, in order to keep your marriage alive, what did you expect?

If I were him I'd conclude you didn't give a shit and seek romance elsewhere.

Sex every four or five months is a pretty big hint that you don't give a damn about your marriage other than as a vehicle for child rearing. So why do you care if he seeks affection elsewhere. Have you put in any effort whatsoever, truthfully?

Oh, this is a really stupid and unkind post.

I disagree with this. It can be the case that her husband had made manipulative remarks to erode the OPs confidence

There's not really anything in the OPs post to suggest this though.
In fact she says that he has told her the opposite.

I think people are harsh to judge either person in this situation. It looks like the OP has dismissed their lack of a sex life and her DH has tried to address it gently but not actually been able to be upfront about it. Long marriages can fall into unsatisfactory patterns. It's not as easy as some suggest to address these underlying issues. Life gets in the way and people just continue as they are. Indulging in an EA with another woman is wrong, but easier than tackling the real issue. I find it odd that people say 'just leave '. Yes, that's possibly easy if it's a short term relationship or maybe when everything about it makes you unhappy. But much harder when it means your whole life, which has been yours for 10, 20, 30 years, will be thrown into turmoil.

I'm very sorry OP for the situation you are in.

His infidelity is all on him. If he had issues with your relationship, he owed it to you to have a serious conversation about his feelings

Well, from OPs own post he was trying - she says they had several conversations about but her response was always 'I'm not bothered about sex.' What can he do with that exactly? Where was OPs responsibility to engage seriously with that conversation? I suspect she didn't engage as she was quite happy with the status quo.
She liked a friendly sexless marriage. That suited her. She didn't want to make the effort to re-introduce the emotional and physical connection of sex. And she didn't want to think about how this was affecting her husband or what this meant for her marriage, as that would have required her to make changes she didn't want to make.

Yes, that's possibly easy if it's a short term relationship or maybe when everything about it makes you unhappy. But much harder when it means your whole life, which has been yours for 10, 20, 30 years, will be thrown into turmoil

And harder still when you still love the person who has sexually rejected you.

It's not that I haven't tried to lose weight but it;s not easy and somehow I always end up sliding back. And this year has been hard with lockdown, gyms closed and everything.

I don't know what I want. The thought of us not being married makes me panic. We have a nice life, we get on, we laugh, the kids are happy. Just the other weekend we set up some tech together and laughed about what a great team we are at that sort of thing, his sister and her DH would have been at each other's throats. But then I think about those messages to her and I feel sick and it's a different kind of panic.

crosshatching he only cycles indoors in the winter, he has his bike set up on a sort of stand thing in the garage. He goes out for a couple of hours a couple of times a week in the summer, but I can see his Strava so I know he is genuinely cycling. And I don't know if it's been going on that long anyway, there were too many messages to be able to scroll back right to the start.

297vic as far as I can see she is the only woman he's messaging.

@Shockedupsetscared

It's not that I haven't tried to lose weight but it;s not easy and somehow I always end up sliding back. And this year has been hard with lockdown, gyms closed and everything.

I don't know what I want. The thought of us not being married makes me panic. We have a nice life, we get on, we laugh, the kids are happy. Just the other weekend we set up some tech together and laughed about what a great team we are at that sort of thing, his sister and her DH would have been at each other's throats. But then I think about those messages to her and I feel sick and it's a different kind of panic.

crosshatching he only cycles indoors in the winter, he has his bike set up on a sort of stand thing in the garage. He goes out for a couple of hours a couple of times a week in the summer, but I can see his Strava so I know he is genuinely cycling. And I don't know if it's been going on that long anyway, there were too many messages to be able to scroll back right to the start.

297vic as far as I can see she is the only woman he's messaging.

getting on and being a good team - sounds like friends, or house mates or brother and sister.

I have the same sort of issue myself and I'm sorry but people don't get into relationships usually to be friends, or be celibate.

Sex/Intimacy is in my opinion an essential building block in a relationship, without it the relationship can quickly fall apart.

It's easy to say this stuff on here but I am in a similar situation so I can see both sides.

It's not that I haven't tried to lose weight but it;s not easy and somehow I always end up sliding back. And this year has been hard with lockdown, gyms closed and everything

You don't need to lost weight OP, he liked you the way you were and he told you and showed you that. You didn't need to look like 20 year old bikini model as he loved you and that was why he desired you.

Look I know people are saying he had choices but so did you. I really think that the person removing sex from the marriage has the responsibility to be honest with their spouse about that and to talk honestly with their spouse about what that means to the marriage.
It is unfair to say only the spouse has the responsibility to do this. And tbf to your husband - he did try. He told and showed you quite clearly that sex with you was important to him.

You need to have that belated conversation now, both with yourself and with him. It might help you both to decide what you want to do next.

Hey OP,

I only ask about the cycling because my OH is a cyclist and when our children were little it was a source of tension and a bit of resentment in our relationship. It seemed to take an enormous amount of family time and money. To a point that was fine because I wanted to support a healthy hobby that made him happy. But it also seemed to mean hardly ever any time off from childcare and certainly not enough to develop an equivalent interest. My point being that I had no time, money or energy to invest in myself and it's hard to feel sexy when you don't even fancy yourself a bit.

I also took some time to adjust to my post-baby body and funnily enough having a man's approval didn't automatically mean I approved my body myself.

I am so sorry you're going through this horrible time. Perhaps it's time to have a talk and see what you both want. Thinking of you .

Of course he was in the wrong. But I do feel sorry for him. Sex twice a year isn't great..I couldn't put up with it. Obviously you shouldn't have sex if you dont want to, but think it's unfair to expect him to stay in a sexless marriage. I think you should split for both of your sakes.

Do you usually avoid issues in your marriage? I'm not trying to blame you, but you've mentioned 'not being bothered' a few times in your posts. Problems don't just disappear into thin air, and the avoidance of intimacy was going to rear its ugly head at some point. Unfortunately it has manifested itself in your DH's affair.

You were happy in your marriage because it was working for you, but only you. You have both acted in ways that don't that has been detrimental to the relationship.

You can either say nothing, and continue pretending your DH is happy because you 'can't be bothered', or get your head out of the sand and have a real conversation with your DH.

She's not a 20 year old bikini model either. She's quite plain, probably around the same age as me. Not model slim by any means but not as fat as me. But obviously has no hangups about flaunting herself naked on camera.