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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thousands of messages between them

238 replies

Shockedupsetscared · 28/01/2021 16:30

It's such a fucking cliche. I found out yesterday my DH has been messaging a woman. He doesn't know I know, I saw his phone while he was using his indoor bike. Some app I'd never even heard of, I looked at it because I was curious. I don't know how long it's been going on, I couldn't even scroll back far enough to the beginning but it's months. There are literally thousands of messages between them. Lots of them explicit, photos and videos, but lots of them not. In a weird way it's the ones that aren't that are worse, is that stupid? They're messaging every single day, there are dozens of messages between them while he's at work. He's told her about stuff going on at his office that he hasn't told me yet, mundane stuff. Stuff about the kids, we have two teenage DC. I work a couple of evenings a week and he tells her when I'm due to work so they can plan their "playtime" together when they swap photos and videos. From what I can see they're planning to meet when Covid allows. He's told her he loves her but they talk about not breaking up their marriages. I've pretended I have a migraine since yesterday because I can't face him but I don't know what to say or do. What the fuck do I do?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2021 15:46

Is he ending things with her, or is he still planning to keep talking to her and possibly meet her?

Unsure33 · 31/01/2021 15:58

This is a difficult one . And I really feel for you .

I think you should take your time and consider counselling and least he is willing to talk about that .

And also please take a private thyroid test ( sorry but GP ones are a bit rubbish) something like medicheck and also a hormone one too ?

I was in your position , struggling with my weight no sex drive , dieting was such a struggle and it turned out I did have thyroid problems .

And I am glad to say with a lot of hard work and medication my sex drive did come back .

However at the moment with what you have been through to work out how you feel sexually I would say is totally out of the question. The messages you have seen are enough to put anyone off . Now is not the time .

Keep talking and consider all angles of this . The answer may not be straightforward.

1forAll74 · 31/01/2021 16:00

You have to most definitely, confront your Husband now, otherwise keeping all this to yourself, will drive you mad. He will then have to open up about everything. and you will get an insight into all that he has been doing, and hopefully answer all your questions truthfully.
He may not have met this OW, but has been living in a fantasy world, being able to just let loose with all the things he has said in messages.

For all you know, the OW, may be in the same position, and may not be satisfied in here life, so she has found someone to meet her needs, and tempts your Husband with messages and photo's etc, but it might be a nice game for her, as she has found a man who is willing to go along with her.

But your Husband has been very deceitful and secretive, and caused you a lot of hurt, so a great lot of discussion is needed now,which won't make you happy, but you will need to decide what you wan't to do from now on.

WeAreShiningStars · 31/01/2021 16:08

Personally, I think 'opening' the marriage at this point would signal the end of your marriage.

He was willing to be sucked into a relationship behind your back. He was already investing his time and emotions elsewhere. You giving him permission belatedly to do so means you will lose more of it, not less. I can't imagine you wanting to sit by and watch him invest his feelings into someone else. Or someones.

supersop60 · 31/01/2021 16:19

OP - so sorry this is happening to you.
If your H really wants you to stay together then he has to go No Contact with this woman, and you both have to go to therapy, because it sounds like things started to unravel quite a long time ago.

MizMoonshine · 31/01/2021 16:37

Thing is that even if you were interested in opening up the marriage, the OW wouldn't be an option for because he's already admitted he has feelings for her and besides that he's disrespected your marriage massively with her.

As much as you both want to keep your marriage, I think you're both at a point where neither of you is getting what you need. He's not getting sex, you're not getting loyalty.

It probably would be for the best to amicably end things and go forward as parents whilst you still have love for eachother.

wintermoths · 31/01/2021 16:52

I think some PP are right that opening a marriage at this point would be harder than for most, especially as it would only be open for him as you don't want a sexual relationship.
Open marriages I have heard of work when they are agreed before an affair. Spouses see others privately and their wife/husband know nothing about the AP(s). But in your case you know who she is and their relationship already and his feelings for her. Its hard to see you accepting that.

BorderlineHappy · 31/01/2021 16:52

I don't know if I fancy him. He's just DH. How do you know after 20 years?

You cant expect your DH to stay married if thats what you think of him.Tahts going to be soul destroying when he finally realises the truth.

Can i ask @Shockedupsetscared how old are your kids and how long has this genuinely going on.

Unless you work on yourself esteem, your next relationship is going to be just the same.

Maybe have some counselling just for yourself and take it from there. But i think its unfair to stay married just because. you dont want to be alone.

ravenmum · 31/01/2021 17:04

How do you know after 20 years?
My exh was a pretty rubbish husband at times over the years, but after 20 years I could definitely still look at him and think that yes, he was an attractive man (though weighing roughly twice as much as when we met at one point!). The broad grin, those blue eyes.

But you do have to look at him. I think it's easy to get in the habit of not looking.

combatbarbie · 31/01/2021 17:12

Well I have sympathy for both sides here. I can totally see how this has come about and you seem confident it just happened without him actually looking for an affair which I guess is one silver lining.

Something has to give though OP, an open relationship isn't the worst idea in the world provided there are clear boundaries in place. He gets physical and sexual attention and you don't need to worry about performing. The bare truth is that yous are not compatible sexually and this is unfair to both of you.

I'd strongly suggest you work on your own weight and self esteem issues though, stop using lockdown etc as an excuse. You openly say getting a dog was to get you out walking, now you just let DH do it.

butterpuffed · 31/01/2021 17:14

Are you genuinely not sure if you fancy him or is it the doubts about your body which make that a more overriding concern ?

PerveenMistry · 31/01/2021 17:22

"But i think its unfair to stay married just because. you dont want to be alone."

This is very true. He has a right to be more than a buddy and a wallet.

SylvanianFrenemies · 31/01/2021 17:30

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

But....

You can't just withdraw sexual intimacy from a marriage without repercussions. You don't get married to commit to a flatmate. Part of intimacy is being vulnerable and allowing your partner to desire you, faults and all.

He shouldn't have gone behind your back like this. Either you need to split or consider sex therapy to see if you want to develop a sexual relationship again. No one should have sex they don't want, but equally it is ok to regard sex as important.

Pechanga · 31/01/2021 18:06

He already has feelings for her, and he hasn't even slept with her yet. He doesn't sound like
the type of man who could just have meaningless sex. And for this reason an open marriage will not work - he will eventually fall in love and leave you anyway.

As he is clearly someone who links emotion to sex, without the intimacy he'll be feeling unloved and disconnected from you (making it easier to cheat).

It is not fair to withdraw intimacy from your relationship, it isn't fair to expect him to stay with you if he isn't able to love and feel loved in the way he needs to.

It isn't fair of him to carry in an emotional affair behind your back - absolute betrayal. There's no excuse for his actions.

If you wish to fix your marriage you both need to commit. He needs to give OW up completely and focus on you, and you need to commit to helping fix your sex life. Get counselling.

dottiedodah · 31/01/2021 18:17

Im sorry you are hurting OP. To me men seem like a different species sometimes! Like you say he is a kind and gentle man ,but seems to have maybe been tempted away by OW .(Not a popular opinion on here I know!) There seems to be some sort of script doesnt there? Hazarding a guess shes younger? (Ioan Gruffiths new lover is 30 hes 47!) ATM you are in shock ,and need time to process the hurt you feel .You have done nothing wrong and certainly do not need to feel guilty about lack of sex!

crosshatching · 31/01/2021 18:17

I know people have mentioned Esther Perel before but her book Mating in Captivity might be an interesting read for you and your OH to read together. It basically focusses on the tension of how can you desire what you already have?
I am so sorry you are going through this, I hope you can sort things out, but mostly I hope you can find a way to feel more positive about yourself for your own sake going forward.

ElspethFlashman · 31/01/2021 18:17

Tahtsgoing to be soul destroying when he finally realises the truth.

There's no way he doesn't realise OP doesn't fancy him. He's well aware.

nutsaboutsquirrels · 31/01/2021 18:31

@PerveenMistry

"But i think its unfair to stay married just because. you dont want to be alone."

This is very true. He has a right to be more than a buddy and a wallet.

Great post and turn of phrase

wintermoths · 31/01/2021 18:32

@dottiedodah

You haven't actually read the thread, have you?

Manxiety · 31/01/2021 18:42

@Shockedupsetscared

I think I've given an unfair impression, he is genuinely contrite and the open relationship thing was one of a few things he suggested over the course of yesterday, it wasn't the first thing he jumped to, he did talk about us having some sort of counselling together first earlier in the day. It was after I'd said that I didn't know if or how much I could offer more intimacy and iut was more in the sense of, if we don't want to break up but I don't know if I can give him what he needs, then this is the only other option. And he did say that he would completely understand if I did want to end it and that it's not just his decision whether we stay married/

Patrt of me almost wishes it had just happened, they'd screwed and he'd got it all out of his system without me ever having to know about it. I just want to not have to think about it, to see the messages and the photos over and over in my head.

I don't think it would have 'got it out if his system' OP - it will lead to more liaisons for sure. He has a need for sex and you clearly don't. I think the fact that this realisation hasn't made you want him is very telling but if you can't give him intimacy in any form, that is an issue. I agree you need to get some medical and psychological support in the first instance but if you aren't making each other happy it might be better to move on.

wetasstenalady · 31/01/2021 18:48

We see so many of these threads where women are no longer interested in sex (think hormones have a huge part to play) yet whenever someone having an affair with a man says 'he wasn't having sex with his wife anymore' they are told they are wrong of course he and his wife are still sleeping together

nutsaboutsquirrels · 31/01/2021 18:57

@wetasstenalady

There's always the assumption men are having sex with their wives AND with their AP. Some men will be. But some men won't be. For some men their wives no longer want to pursue a sexual relationship with their husbands and may also be withdrawing intimacy and emotion and affection also from the relationship. Men who are in those positions, particularly when young children are involved, are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Walk out on their children or stay at home and be celibate and face an emotion/intimacy-less future (which if you're in your 30's/40's could be many many years).

I posted an article the other day in which a study suggested men would prefer to have it all with their wives rather than with an AP and I do truly believe this. However what is the alternative if you're wife has checked out sexually, emotionally etc?

nutsaboutsquirrels · 31/01/2021 18:59

I should also add that it's not fair to enjoy the security your husband provides in terms of love and attention and financial and as a father yet not take into account his needs also. This sounds a very one way relationship and at best you are only friends, and at worse you a flat mates.

nutsaboutsquirrels · 31/01/2021 19:07

On this forum in this relationships section and the general chat section there seems to be a lot of relationships hitting the rocks and lots of men and women facing affairs. It's an epidemic.

Seems to me maybe monogamy is dead and no longer works in society.

wintermoths · 31/01/2021 19:20

@nutsaboutsquirrels

On this forum in this relationships section and the general chat section there seems to be a lot of relationships hitting the rocks and lots of men and women facing affairs. It's an epidemic.

Seems to me maybe monogamy is dead and no longer works in society.

Oh come on , many people have happy monogamous relationships!

This board is entirely for people whose relationships have done to shit - its hardly representative of all relationships!

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