Thousands of messages between them

[Shockedupsetscared]

It's such a fucking cliche. I found out yesterday my DH has been messaging a woman. He doesn't know I know, I saw his phone while he was using his indoor bike. Some app I'd never even heard of, I looked at it because I was curious. I don't know how long it's been going on, I couldn't even scroll back far enough to the beginning but it's months. There are literally thousands of messages between them. Lots of them explicit, photos and videos, but lots of them not. In a weird way it's the ones that aren't that are worse, is that stupid? They're messaging every single day, there are dozens of messages between them while he's at work. He's told her about stuff going on at his office that he hasn't told me yet, mundane stuff. Stuff about the kids, we have two teenage DC. I work a couple of evenings a week and he tells her when I'm due to work so they can plan their "playtime" together when they swap photos and videos. From what I can see they're planning to meet when Covid allows. He's told her he loves her but they talk about not breaking up their marriages. I've pretended I have a migraine since yesterday because I can't face him but I don't know what to say or do. What the fuck do I do?

Telegram is like Whatsapp right ? you need to know the persons mobile number ... so he knows her OP ? yes ? 🌺

So sorry op it's devastating.
There is no right or wrong answer to give you. I'd love to say LTB, but that can be easier said than done.

I have no idea BlueThistles, I don;t know how it works. I'd heard of Kik but not Telegram.

Op, my ex husband did similar except it was a (significantly younger) woman at his work.

I told hi to leave that day as I knew I couldn’t ever unread those messages I found. He broke us forever.

I got proof of the messages but didn’t really need to. He didn’t deny it when I confronted him, although I didn’t give him chance to as know what I saw.

He was a “good guy” too. We had a great marriage and family (or so I and everyone else thought), pretty decent sex life for 13 years of marriage and 2 kids, etc.

I think sometimes men do it because they can and because they want an ego boost. Simple as that but heartbreaking. Hope you are ok, whatever you do x

I personally don't believe that this kind of thing means that they have hidden their inherently evil personality from you for years, and have now revealed their true self. I personally think that someone can be averagely nice, but do something stupid that hurts other people because they manage to convince themselves that it's not that bad really, an exception, they can't help it, it's because of special circumstances, or just stick their head in the sand and ignore the fact that they are doing something horrible that will hurt other people.

Once they've hurt you, though, the damage is done imho.

@TheCakeDiet is right that you need to be very sure what it is you want out of any confrontation. If he hadn't done this, did you defiinitely see yourself staying with him indefinitely, or did you have any doubts about the relationship anyway?

He isn't the man you married, he made promises to you he didn't keep and he doesn't deserve you any longer.

How awful for you.

Make sure you take loads of screen shots, check your bank accounts in case he’s been buying gifts for her and get your ducks in a row.
Then, and only then, confront him. Have an idea of how you intend to respond to different scenarios. For example if he is genuinely sorry and takes the blame and promises no more would you want your marriage to continue?
In your position I would make him move out for a few days to concentrate his mind on what he stands to lose. It is possible for a marriage to survive this. Only you know your situation plus how he responds to being found out could help you make up your mind.
Be kind to yourself and wipe the floor with him. You may become a closer unit or you may be better off without him. Stay strong. 💐

Telegram is like WhatsApp but encrypted. Used by criminals, drug dealers and the like.

WhatsApp is also encrypted.

What do you want to do OP? Do you think he’s planning to leave you? When is he planning to meet her in person?

It does sound like your marriage hasn't been particularly in great shape for a while.

Is there anything between you to save?

@Shockedupsetscared ..He is still here ! My plans to kick him out have not worked out for me. He has no job, no family here , no friends . I cant leave as I am carer for a relative. I was also a SAHM for years and am now too old to start working.
He too had an online long distance thing going. I think he enjoyed the attention but she called his bluff by coming to the country he was working in. And they met up and yes , they had sex.

When I found out , I did agree to go to couples counselling to see if I could get over it . But I didn't think I could and I was right. I will never forgive him and can't wait until we can seperate somehow.
I hate him now. No respect , think he is disgusting, no trust and shocked at what a liar he had become.

Maybe , if you are sure it has not gone further, you can get over these messages. It is still a huge betrayal , he has crossed so many boundaries.
But only you know what you can tolerate .

I just wanted you to know that I do understand how you are feeling at the moment. It is an awful shock to find out that the man you thought you knew , has turned out to be capable of such deceit . Disgusting of him.

Ok, I heard a marriage guidance counsellor say that when there is relationship where one party does not want sex or they both want sex but not longer with each other, she suggest they consider whether they could take other sexual partners. To some this is not an option ( I could not do this) but others do and for some it works and saves an otherwise happy marriage.

For you I guess its different as you husband has gone ahead with this without discussing it with you and you have already found out more than you want to know.

But I just suggested it in case it could be an option.

I am in no way defending your DH’s scabby behaviour, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it must be so painful, but I am wondering if your lack of intimacy is at the root of it. Sex isn’t just about the physical act is it ? The way you describe him, he sounds like the kind of chap who would value that connection, the intimacy of sex. It really is the glue that holds relationships together. I loved my husband so much, but due to illness, we couldn’t have sex for years, medication took his desires away also, so he didn’t even miss it, whereas I was miserable. A huge part of my life was over. I wasn’t unfaithful and loved him until he died, but our sex life was a massive loss and I craved that kind of intimacy more than I can say.
I’m not suggesting you should be emotionally blackmailed into doing anything you don’t want to do, I’m just wondering if you had ever really addressed the issue ?

What an arse he is. He's having an emotional affair OP. As others have said, get your ducks in a row. Paperwork, finances- speak to a solicitor. Know your rights. Forewarned is forearmed.

Also might be worth reading up on the 180. So when shit hits the fan, you are I the drivers seat not him.

Thank you for sharing that Stillfunny, I'm so sorry you're so unhappy. I hope you are able to get the future you want for yourself even if it's not the one you originally planned.

ElspethFlashman up until yesterday I would have said the exact opposite. The sex issue never really rears its head these days and out of bed we get on great. It's our 20th anniversary in late spring and if Covid allows we were planning a Caribbean holiday to celebrate sometime this year.

Runmybathforme we've talked about it a few times in the past in the past but it's never really got beyond he'd like more sex, I'm not bothered. He doesn't sulk or blackmail or put pressure on me. Once or twice he tried some different things, massage oil and candles and stuff like that and it was nice enough but I was still self-conscious about my flab and my stretch marks and I wasn't bothered about trying those things again. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times a year now, I know it's not great but he doesn't pressure me, we just don't talk about it. As much as I ever thought about it I assumed he sorted himself out with porn and because it never really reared its head as a problem any more I was happy not to have to think about.

I need to go and do stuff with the kids now but thank you, I am reading the replies.

we've talked about it a few times in the past in the past but it's never really got beyond he'd like more sex, I'm not bothered. He doesn't sulk or blackmail or put pressure on me. Once or twice he tried some different things, massage oil and candles and stuff like that and it was nice enough but I was still self-conscious about my flab and my stretch marks and I wasn't bothered about trying those things again. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times a year now, I know it's not great but he doesn't pressure me, we just don't talk about it

But he's been trying hasn't he? He sounds like a really great guy and he had been trying in a really nice and gentle and supportive way to rekindle that intimacy between you both - and it does sound like it is the emotional as well as sexual intimacy of sex that he craves. And, this will sound harsh, but you have been prioritising your self-consciousness about your body, over the intimate part of your marriage and over the importance of that to him. You've put your head in the sand about what this would mean. The fact that he stopped trying with you, because you never responded, didn' t make the problem go away.

You need to decide what you want now. Whether to allow him to have a relationship with this woman but stay in this marriage, or whether you ask him to try again with you and you rekindle that intimate part of your relationship. But I really don't think that expecting him to stay in a sexless marriage is going to be an option for you.

Although I won't condone for a second what he's doing it's bloody hard to live without sex. He sounds like a good husband in many ways but inevitably has allowed his sexual yearnings/fantasies to spill over into real life. You haven't been bothered about it and because he didn't pressurise you you've thought it was all hunky dory. It sounds like you're relatively young so you both have decades possibly of living without sex which is a big ask. Once you're over the shock and have discussed what you've found I'd strongly recommend couples and sex therapy.

How has he met this woman ?

From a man:

I know what a sexless marriage feels like and I feel that it was more than that missing from my marriage, it was also a lack of emotional connection as well as the intimacy.

I don't think anyone gets married/gets in a relationship and then expects the spouse to become celebrate and withdraw emotionally from the relationship.

I think it's a lot to expect a man or woman to accept not only a sexless marriage but also have the other person withdraw on them emotionally as was as physically.

I believe you have a point there @daddyshark1976 . So many people seem to think men have an affair because of sex whereas it is often quite simply the feeling of being needed or valued. The chit chat is just day to day as well and not just sex . It's all part and parcel of it .It goes without saying that both partners deserve to feel valued but that is not always the case .

I was trying to explain this recently and this article was quite a good read:

www.mamamia.com.au/why-married-men-cheat/

My next revelation was equally enlightening; of those married men, there were only two or three who I believe would be seeking an affair regardless of the effort their wife did or didn’t put into the relationship. The remaining men made it very clear that in an ideal world, their sexual and (usually) emotional needs would be met by their wives. There was no-one they’d prefer to be intimate with than their wife. Under no circumstances did they want to jeopardise their marriage or leave their wife. But their wives didn’t want them. Their wives not had not only lost interest in sex, but (often) treated these men like they were a bother. Yet one more demand on them.

And this one:

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-8545377/Tracey-Cox-reveals-men-affairs-love-WOMEN-sex.html

Why we're cheating now
Fast forward to 2020 and the opposite is happening.
Women are having affairs for sex, men for love.
Men have affairs for love
Dr Tammy Nelson, author of 'When You're the One Who Cheats', thinks men are more likely now to cheat for companionship and intimacy than sex.

How upsetting for you, especially as he sounds like a good man.

Years of a happy relationship but he has had his head turned.
You must be heartbroken.

I think you need to think about what you want.
Does it read as if he is going to leave you?
Get your finances sorted.

But I think you should try and see if this can be fixed, if he is willing to give things a try.

Awful to lose a marriage and a man you loved, even though he has betrayed you.

Get support IRL.

There’s another thread where the OP discovered her Mum had deliberately injured her child but previously been a really good granny.

It’s very common for people with an untrustworthy side to also behave very well a lot of the time.

What I’m trying to say is if you found that someone apparently nice was doing something awful in secret or on occasions you’d change your picture of them very substantially. Shock plays a part in your ability to process the new information of course.

I know this is obvious in a way I’m just remembering how much I didn’t want to believe exH had always in some ways deceived me.

You mention he's a cyclist OP, does that take up a lot of his time?

@daddyshark1976

From a man:

I know what a sexless marriage feels like and I feel that it was more than that missing from my marriage, it was also a lack of emotional connection as well as the intimacy.

I don't think anyone gets married/gets in a relationship and then expects the spouse to become celebrate and withdraw emotionally from the relationship.

I think it's a lot to expect a man or woman to accept not only a sexless marriage but also have the other person withdraw on them emotionally as was as physically.

Agree with this.

Clearly he is in the wrong for lying and cheating. If he was unhappy enough to want someone else, he should have left the marriage first.

However, he is clearly feeling unloved and it sounds like he has tried to communicate this and tried to improve it without pestering you. If you want to fix this (you may not), it will involve him cutting her off then a lot of work on restoring your intimacy - emotional and physical. This would be helped by relationship counselling. You will need to work on this too and accept how both your actions led to the marriage potentially failing.