Thousands of messages between them

[Shockedupsetscared]

It's such a fucking cliche. I found out yesterday my DH has been messaging a woman. He doesn't know I know, I saw his phone while he was using his indoor bike. Some app I'd never even heard of, I looked at it because I was curious. I don't know how long it's been going on, I couldn't even scroll back far enough to the beginning but it's months. There are literally thousands of messages between them. Lots of them explicit, photos and videos, but lots of them not. In a weird way it's the ones that aren't that are worse, is that stupid? They're messaging every single day, there are dozens of messages between them while he's at work. He's told her about stuff going on at his office that he hasn't told me yet, mundane stuff. Stuff about the kids, we have two teenage DC. I work a couple of evenings a week and he tells her when I'm due to work so they can plan their "playtime" together when they swap photos and videos. From what I can see they're planning to meet when Covid allows. He's told her he loves her but they talk about not breaking up their marriages. I've pretended I have a migraine since yesterday because I can't face him but I don't know what to say or do. What the fuck do I do?

@davidsSchitt

Oh come on, none of this is OPs doing. A few months living day to day life between sex doesn't mean he gets to go off sharing intimate details and photos and sneaking around planning to put his wife's health at risk by having sex with some random.

He's a creep and a coward and a selfish bastard to boot.

OP don't be distracted by these questioning your confidence etc. You've been completely lied to and betrayed.

Take photographs of the explicit messages so you can't be convinced it "wasn't that bad", "wasn't serious", "meant nothing" etc.

Then do as a pp suggested. Block her number on his phone, delete her number and delete the thread so he can't just click reply.

Exactly, exactly this.

You need a strategic plan, of all the objectives you would need to achieve if you were to split, too see how you need to proceed forward, then a similar plan for how you would handle the marriage going forward, if you do not split.

It's understandable you feel like that, you are grieving for everything you held true. I wish you well approaching this with him.

On the surface, yes he sounds a supportive and caring man. I'd like to say that this is probably just an online infatuation which has got out of hand and he has no intention of pursuing things further once Covid is over, but I'm not so sure given the months of messaging, building of intimacy and declarations of love you've seen. My advice would be to keep that uppermost in your mind when you raise this. Gaslighting and minimising as you'll know if you've spent much time on here are common responses to those who are caught out.

Did he not have much luck with women before you met, OP? Has he become more confident and now wishing he could make use of that new confidence?

If he says he loves her, and you delete her number, it could turn this into a star-crossed lovers stuation with you preventing them from meeting and them having to find new ways to communicate. If he stops meeting her I'd personally say it should come from him.

The Esther Perel podcasts are good, partly as you can tell which couples love each other so much and have something so good together that they are really willing to try properly. And as it shows ways to communicate.

The trouble now is him realising something is up, before you have had time to process things at all - and tbh this sort of thing can take years to process properly.

What you might consider, if you're up to it, is a kind of amnesty; saying that you think something could be up and offering a deal where he can tell you what it is, without you going ballistic.

Almost guaranteed they’ve “met” on Ashley Madison or Illicit Encounters. Really devastating OP I’m sorry. If you click on “media” or images on their chat you’ll see only photos etc sent and date of first one of those will show you pretty much when it first started.

Here’s what I did OP when I found out about my intelligent, ‘not at all the type’ husbands infatuation (which had happened 20 years before but I found all his scribbling about it) . I sat down and calmly said ‘you are a deceitful grade A c (I don’t recommend that) and then said you have 15 minutes of my time to tell me what was going on with xxxxxxx . I want the full story, no lies and then I will have a think- if I find out afterwards you have lied it will 100% Be divorce. I didn’t tell him either how I knew before so he couldn’t minimise it as he didn’t know how much I knew. You will have to bite the bullet OP, be prepared for the white faced startled rabbit in the headlights look and the tears and the ‘I’m such a twat’ protestations. I found it immensely upsetting having to be calm and cold but there’s no way you can go on without ‘having it out’ you will explode !

Sorry that should have said 10 years before- not20

Sorry, have I stepped back into the 1950s?

Some of the 'advice' here is awful.

A husband who isn't having sex doesn't have to cheat.
A husband whose wife is struggling with intimacy doesn't have to cheat.
A husband who feels emotionally unconnected doesn't have to cheat.

There is a reason we have fucking divorce and that is so people don't have to cheat.

He has been duplicitous and unfaithful. You are not to blame.

@yetmorecrap

Here’s what I did OP when I found out about my intelligent, ‘not at all the type’ husbands infatuation (which had happened 20 years before but I found all his scribbling about it) . I sat down and calmly said ‘you are a deceitful grade A c** (I don’t recommend that) and then said you have 15 minutes of my time to tell me what was going on with xxxxxxx . I want the full story, no lies and then I will have a think- if I find out afterwards you have lied it will 100% Be divorce. I didn’t tell him either how I knew before so he couldn’t minimise it as he didn’t know how much I knew. You will have to bite the bullet OP, be prepared for the white faced startled rabbit in the headlights look and the tears and the ‘I’m such a twat’ protestations. I found it immensely upsetting having to be calm and cold but there’s no way you can go on without ‘having it out’ you will explode !

What happened? Did he admit it and did you get divorced?

So sorry pp

Great advice from pp
Take pictures of the chat. Block her number and delete her. Delete the app.

Then tell him to tell you all about (insert name)

Gosh I’m so sorry you must be hurting so much that’s really tough. Are you going to confront him? Do you think you could forgive him?

The cheting scum bag.
Take some of the content on there and keep slipping it in to conversation, especially the stuff from work, it will take him a time to realise and will fuck with his head.
When the penny drops with him, give him his divorce papers.
Dirty bastard.

OP, if you have only just discovered this, you will be in an awful place and feeling utterly broken. I am so, so sorry that you are in such pain.

Do not feel that you have to justify your weight, feelings about sex, or the state of your relationship here!

You are clearly asking for help in your thread. You did not ask who was to blame or what you might have done wrong or what caused this. None of the comments in this vein are helpful at this stage and some are verging on victim blaming.
Everyone is responsible for their part in their relationship, yes, but everyone is also responsible for their choices in responding to issues.

You are NOT responsible for his deciding to cheat. His choice, his responsibility. There were many things he could have done instead, and if he had already tried with no response from you, he should have honourably ended the relationship or at least let you know that it was so bad that he was on the verge of finding someone else.
There is never, ever a justification for cheating. People might say “It’s not that simple” or “life isn’t just black and white”. It isn’t. But one black and white fact is that cheating is never right. It is always wrong.
Look after yourself now and decide what you want to ask. Whether you decide to stay or go, screenshot the messages if you feel you will ever need to know the details or ask him questions. You can always delete them later. I can guarantee you that he will, the second he realises you know. Then you will only have his minimised and edited version of events. Take care OP, this is horrible and my heart goes out to you.

@MMmomDD

OP - most posters here will tell you to divorce your H immediately. However - it’s your life and only you can decide what is right for you. And in reality - based on what marriage counsellors say - most marriages don’t break upon discovery of an affair. Many do, but not most. Some of those staying together end up living in some sort of perpetual unhappy state. Some - manage to figure out what led to an affair and find a way to rebuild their marriage. Marriage ‘2.0’, as some call it. (Look up Esther Perel - she talks and rights about it a lot and can be of help)

Which path to choose is completely up to you. And you probably need time to even figure out what it is that you want. And, what your H wants and whether he is willing to put in a lot of hard work on the relationship.

Take care of yourself first. Take your time - and then talk to him.
While it’s not an excuse - but lack of sex is the most common reason why people end up seeking others while in a relationship.
By the sound of it - this is what happened and it went to a bit further to a form of virtual connection. It’s not really real - most of what they think they know about each other is their fantasy and a projection. But still hurts.

Good luck.

This...

Unless you get to the angry stage, then plan like mad.

Wishing you happiness

💐💐💐

I am in a marriage like this too (male) and whilst I haven’t cheated, I now no longer look at my wife in a sexual way at all. I look at other women in that way now and know it’s only a matter of time before I leave as it’s no way to live thinking like that. Whatever you decide, you also have to accept that he may not want you anymore now even if you want to stay married. It’s tough.

Sorry OP, it doesn't sound like you're compatible. He probably loves you and doesn't want to break up the family unit, are either of you dependent on the other financially? Finance is often a reason to stay, long after the romantic relationship has ended and it has become a friendship.

It could be escapism, for him, and possibly both of them. They may talk about meeting up, but if they really wanted to, it would have happened already.

Not to say I'd necessarily be able to forgive and forget. I would have blown up by now.

Sorry OP.

You spoken to your DH, OP?

Regardless of the sex situation at home, he's cheating on you. If he had an issue with the lack of sex he should have either discussed it, in depth, and then made a decision or left, so he could enjoy sex elsewhere. He's having his cake and eating it at the moment, his lovely wife at home and all the perks that brings along with getting his kicks sexually elsewhere.

@BertieMagoo

I am in a marriage like this too (male) and whilst I haven’t cheated, I now no longer look at my wife in a sexual way at all. I look at other women in that way now and know it’s only a matter of time before I leave as it’s no way to live thinking like that. Whatever you decide, you also have to accept that he may not want you anymore now even if you want to stay married. It’s tough.

Pathetic.

Can you download telegram on your desktop and export all the messages from his phone? This will give you the opportunity to know exactly how it all started and give you the full scale of it all. You won’t get honesty from him.

gadgets.ndtv.com/apps/news/telegram-export-chats-notifications-exceptions-passport-encryption-1906903

Thank you to the poster who recommended Esther Perel I’m going to look up that too.

I’m not going to say leave him. Good people do bad things then get caught up in it. Only you know if it’s worth trying to work on. Intimacy is something you do need in a marriage otherwise it is only a matter of time before one party seeks it elsewhere. Ideally yes ending it all first- but unfortunately it often takes heads to be turned and temptations to be offered to make people realise what they need.

@SecondStageIgnition why is it pathetic? People need sexual attraction in a marriage or long term relationship or you just have a friendship

[quote wetasstenalady]@SecondStageIgnition why is it pathetic? People need sexual attraction in a marriage or long term relationship or you just have a friendship [/quote]
Seriously? You cannot see what's pathetic about that post?!

Poster no longer looks as his wife in that way.

Poster knows it's only a matter of time before he leaves.

[quote wetasstenalady]@SecondStageIgnition why is it pathetic? People need sexual attraction in a marriage or long term relationship or you just have a friendship [/quote]
Seriously? You cannot see what's pathetic about that post?!

Poster no longer looks as his wife in that way.

Poster knows it's only a matter of time before he leaves.

The poster is planning to leave, not have an affair. Sounds like a sensible plan if he no longer finds his wife sexually attractive.