Thousands of messages between them

[Shockedupsetscared]

It's such a fucking cliche. I found out yesterday my DH has been messaging a woman. He doesn't know I know, I saw his phone while he was using his indoor bike. Some app I'd never even heard of, I looked at it because I was curious. I don't know how long it's been going on, I couldn't even scroll back far enough to the beginning but it's months. There are literally thousands of messages between them. Lots of them explicit, photos and videos, but lots of them not. In a weird way it's the ones that aren't that are worse, is that stupid? They're messaging every single day, there are dozens of messages between them while he's at work. He's told her about stuff going on at his office that he hasn't told me yet, mundane stuff. Stuff about the kids, we have two teenage DC. I work a couple of evenings a week and he tells her when I'm due to work so they can plan their "playtime" together when they swap photos and videos. From what I can see they're planning to meet when Covid allows. He's told her he loves her but they talk about not breaking up their marriages. I've pretended I have a migraine since yesterday because I can't face him but I don't know what to say or do. What the fuck do I do?

did he explain why he said he loves her if it was just for sex

thats the bit i dont understand

On this forum in this relationships section and the general chat section there seems to be a lot of relationships hitting the rocks and lots of men and women facing affairs. It's an epidemic.

Hardly. It's only people who have problems with their relationships who start threads in here. People in contented relationships wouldn't be writing !

@Hailtomyteeth

Do: Shark mode. This bastard is cheating on you. Keep your mouth shut, for now. Let him think your migraine is exceptionally bad. Think through legal and financial issues. See a solicitor. Don't tell him yet. Read Chump Lady and all the MN posters past advice on ducks in a row. Don't forget a share of his pension. Get angry. Get seriously, silently, blazing mad. Make your plans. Then tell him. Don't accept any blame or listen to excuses. Don't minimise. Don't delay. It costs us money. Go straight for the divorce and be ruthless. He will show himself to be 'not the man you knew'. Get in first.

This.

Please try and get his phone again and take pictures from your phone.

What a shit thing to go through. Really sorry you're having to go through this.

@Bumblebee1980a

RTFT he's already admitted to everything and they've spoken at length about it.

Thanks for the charming update @Pechanga.

Apologises for not having time to read the 230 threads 🙄😆

@Bumblebee1980a

Thanks for the charming update *@Pechanga*.

Apologises for not having time to read the 230 threads 🙄😆

After a thread has been going a while, it is prudent to at least take the time to select 'See all' and read the OP's updates before offering advice.

@KatherineJaneway

Not sure how to do that (see all) but thanks for the advice 👍🏼

Op your posts focus on your discomfort in addressing awkward issues, your concerns about your self image, your low sex drive, your lack of interest. Hardly a word about your husband’s needs, even when you knew fine well he was trying. You prioritised yourself and your comfort over his. And now he’s doing the same.

[quote Bumblebee1980a]@KatherineJaneway

Not sure how to do that (see all) but thanks for the advice 👍🏼 [/quote]
@Bumblebee1980a

At the bottom of an OP is a line that says:

OP’s posts: See next | See all

Click 'See all' and a new page loads with all of the OP's posts on the thread. On a long thread it is a wise move to check OP's updates as threads can move on quickly.

Fundamentally, it sounds like you are just housemates/siblings with no intimacy in your relationship. It is soul destroying to not receive attention from your partner/be considered attractive/for you to not know whether you fancy them or not (if you don’t know then you just don’t). Whilst you have only been considering your feelings here, it’s clear you haven’t considered his, and it sounds like he has brought it up a few times and now has given up, as he probably feels that his feelings have been invalidated and there is no point.

Clearly his following behaviour and the way he has gone about this though is very wrong as he should have sat you down and had an open conversation with you before going online and sending dick pics. And I wouldn’t be feeling like I wanted to have sex with him either at this point.

It sounds to me that whilst he obviously loves and cares for you, that he does need that level of connection with someone; and as he feels that it’s not going to be with you he has sought it elsewhere. This in no way belittles or ignores your feelings and they are also very valid.

I think that if you both have a determination to stay together and move forward then you will need counselling-individually at first to start to deal with your own issues, then when you both feel comfortable with that, then seeking counselling together. Change clearly needs to happen within your relationship if you both wish it to continue but unless you both are ready to do this and be open to doing this, then I would suggest that your relationship has reached the end and an amicable split is best. It’s unfair otherwise to expect someone to live without their needs being met for some human connection or for someone to have sex if they just don’t want to.

That's excellent advice!

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

Great post. Can I add to this piece.....

It’s unfair otherwise to expect someone to live without their needs being met for some human connection or for someone to have sex if they just don’t want to.

That’s exactly where the crossroads was before the online physical affair.

Now we need to add - “that it’s is also unfair to be deceitful and betray your partner by cheating emotionally and physically online. It’s unfair to have expectations that not only do they accept this but they then grant further open marriage rights so the intense online emotional and physical affair can now progress to a real life emotional and physical relationship.

I see what SSlou is saying, but it barely seems that there was a marriage to be cheated on , it's more of a housemate & financial arrangement. Can one cheat on a roommate?

Fidelity goes both ways. Each spouse has to make an ongoing effort.