I tried to leave OH last night and ended up back home!

[tiredandfrumpy]

Last night felt like the final straw for me however I ended up back home. It all started by me asking for the phone charger so I can get a bit off charge so I can set my alarm so I can't get up in the morning.

He wanted the charger back after 5 mins so wouldn't of been enough charge! This spiralled buy him pushing me of the bed into the wardrobe. Screaming in my face.

I packed mine and the kids things up managed to finally get past him and get them into the car this is when he shows me that I'm no longer on the car insurance he took me of weeks ago and forgot to add me back. Ive been driving round for weeks with no insurance. I ended up driving round the corner and just sat in Asda car park baring in mind this was 3 in the morning.

I came home at half 5 now I'm WFH on 2 hours sleep I'm so angry but I managed to get myself a charger so he no longer has that control over me now.

I just want out!! I'm so desperate my poor poor kids having to witness this shit all the time. It's my payday today so he goes to be hanging round me like a fly on shit.

I need to make a plan and leave this weekend as I'm off work but I have no where to go.

@RandomMess

I would also see if his abuse extends to coercive control which is now a criminal offence and if it does get him charged.

Again this is for longer term do you can have the DC reside with you. It sounds as though there is a high risk of him using the DC to continue to control you.

You will need a minimum of 50% care in order for you to qualify for UC help towards housing the DC as well as yourself in a 2 bed.

Get him charged? It's really not that easy.

In my relatives case it took over a year from going to the police to the CPS making a decision. The decision was no to charging and prosecution. This was despite a far bit of evidence and the police taking it very seriously. The CPS still deemed it a "he said, she said" situation.

It's a huge step forward that coercive control is now illegal, but there aren't the resources and understanding to back up the law.

I do think the op should report it and domestic abuse advisors may well tell the op to do this. I agree with them. If nothing else it might help with any family court cases and gets the abuse on record for any future events. It can also open doors to more support, which is no bad thing.

He doesn't work.
But decided to take you off the car insurance and not tell you? And let you drive around uninsured?

Honestly rented property in his name. I would leave him to it.

Do you have anyone you can take the kids to and stay with them until you can figure out what to do?

Do not be his cash cow for a moment longer.

[quote tiredandfrumpy]@LawnFever I have heard if you stay in a refuge and work full time you have to pay the rent fully and they are usually quite expensive,if you receive benefits they pay it for you. Not just that I couldn't work full time with the kids with me all day at home I wouldn't get anything done.

He doesn't work he was nearly in tears crying last night that if I leave him he's just going to kill himself he's got no money or anything how do I expect him to pay the bills blardy blah going on and on.

[/quote]
Yep, manipulation at its best there, with his fake tears over money and killing himself 🙄 why doesn't he work?! Then how on earth has he got all these things in his name?!

Yes I agree with a pp, no there are no points hearing both sides to the situation and ignoring the negatives but contact those who really know, and go through your situation with them, I was put off by the council as they said I would have to use my savings, as I wasn't claiming as I couldn't, was over the threshold. Which is appalling as they have done that to put me off, the same with emergency accommodation, tried to keep making excuses, then gave me somewhere for the weekend until other accommodation was put in place, and I didn't even have to pay for it, so it just goes to show what you are told and what actually happens are two different things sometimes.

In a way it’s good that the house is in his sole name it means you can do a flit and not be liable.

OP, I know it's difficult to think straight when you are being abused and when you've had next to no sleep.

My XH went through the whole "I'm going to kill myself" thing when I left him. He is still very much alive and kicking.

There is an awful lot to unscramble here. Presumably this man has physically assaulted you on previous occasions? Have the children witnessed this? How has he been with them?

I think you need proper legal advice. If he has been to all intents and purposes the SAHP (albeit a crap one), he could reasonably claim that the children need to live with him for the majority of the time. He might not bother, because it's a lot of effort to look after children and he could well decide he can't be arsed - but if he went down this route in order to penalise you, you would have to be able to show that he has constantly exposed them to violence and abuse.

Even if you don't take legal advice, you need everything to be documented. If it did come to a court case and the children's father went for a residence order, nobody would listen if you said at that point: "But he's violent and abusive". Everything violent/abusive that he says and does needs to be reported from now onwards. I reported stuff to my solicitor, but I imagine there are other agencies to whom you can report (other MNers will know more than I do).

I fear it would be difficult to get him charged with anything. My XH did some awful things, but was never charged.

As for the car: how did he 'trick' you into making it his?

@Gilead

My ex would threaten to kiko himself? Did he? Did he fuck. After 23 years of being with me, he had a new girlfriend in less than three months! The suicide trope is just another way of control. Make your plans and get away, it’s fabulous on the other side.

Absolutely 👌☺️

@AdventureCode

Op if you will need to rely on universal credit when you leave him, UC will be more generous if you are in work. Please keep your job. You are entitled to parental leave from work for any reason, at any point for up to 4 weeks a year i believe until your children are 18. Its unpaid, but if you need time away from work whilst you sort things, use what you are entitled to rather than leaving your job.

Why is that? I ask in a nice way, is it because of the part, unless it's not related to that, where you get money back for children if in day care etc? Otherwise I was trying to work out why it is more generous? 😀

Definitely speak to Women's Aid, they were a great support when I left my ex. I was offered a refuge place but in the end I arranged to rent somewhere with support from my parents, to keep the kids in their school and with their friends around them. School knew the situation so were supportive and I was lucky that my ex was one of the few who didn't really continue the abuse beyond being difficult with maintenance after I'd left.

@knittingaddict Mmm I fear this in my case which is currently still on going, statement done, exP on bail, with conditions, and police have already said they are doubtful that there would be a sentence, but could still be charges, but as wrong as it is, I can totally understand how can one expect charges even, when there is no proof!

I’m another one whose ex used to threaten to kill himself.
He’s still alive and also moved on spectacularly quickly.
You are not responsible for him, his decisions are his own not yours. You should not be manipulated to stay because of him. Is yours and your kids life worth less than his? Hell no.
My ex learnt a lot of behaviour from his dad, it was history repeating itself with me. Don’t let your kids be brought up thinking this is normal.

My guess is today he’s going to be on best behaviour to keep you there. You know it’s only for show. You know it won’t last

Sorry you’re going through this OP - what a shitty situation but it WILL be ok flowers 💐 Lots of good advice on here!

Please don’t give up your job to have a cheaper place in a refuge. You usually aren’t there for long, and its easier to get a new place to live if you’re not on benefits.

Do not give him ANY money from your wages! If he wants control over finances (Car Insurance, house being in his name, etc) then he will need to find the funds as you've had enough!

Hope you and the kids are ok x

Find the V5 Document and change the car back into your name? (not sure if this is legal)

Make plans to leave asap- even a small rental- work from home and juggle the children, it will be tough, but they and you will be happier in the long run!

I left an abusive relationship years ago, I tried to leave many times, they feigned suicide. They're alive today and remarried. I was happier the moment I "escaped"/ "got out".

Good luck

Does he go to work, OP?

If so, could you pack his things and put him out?

Could you afford the rent on your own? Or with single parent benefit?
If so, speaking to the landlord would be a good idea, especially if you go through a letting agent. They can remove him from the tenancy and replace your name. I know this as I used to work in one and have seen this happen. They may also be happy to assist in changing the locks.

Do you have a family member or friend who could come and stay with you for a week or so? He sounds rather volatile and controlling so I doubt he's going to accept your decision to split easily.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. Lots of people been through this here, they'll help you do this.x.

Another person echoing not to give up your job and apply for UC. I would also find out whether you have a local domestic abuse charity or women’s centre. My local charity have a fund which helps you set up home and supplies some household goods.

This is your third thread, in approximately two weeks, about this waste of space 'DP'.

LTB, ASAP.

Find the V5 Document and change the car back into your name? (not sure if this is legal)
The name on the log book is not the owner of the car. The person on the invoice / who paid for it is

Don’t panic do anything. Don’t panic sign anything or panic give up your job. You need sleep and to think with a clear head. Has he got anywhere else he can go? To parents? If he has then say to him we need a break can you go somewhere else for a week please. That then gives you breathing space. Right now you’re clashing and you are panic driving around at 3am. Would he go? Try that first? Then once he’s gone you can see about transferring property into your name. He’s not working so he can’t afford the place anyway. He might as well transfer it to you surely?

You don’t have to speak to him face to face either. You can message him and ask him to leave and for you to have a week of no contact to see if that helps. You need to create breathing space and sort out the rest once he’s gone

I assume its your money paying the rent, if he's not working?
Look for something to rent for you and the kids and leave him to it.
Ignore his threats to kill himself. It's bullshit.
Try not to give up your job, it could make things harder.

He makes no contribution to the household financially or otherwise you are the breadwinner you have all the power and you are letting this man dominate you?

I suggest you act normal say whatever you need to to reassure him that you're not going to leave, and then make a very water-tight plan in the background.
don't tip him off and make sure everything is sewn up before he even realises that you're gone

@Yohoheaveho

He makes no contribution to the household financially or otherwise you are the breadwinner you have all the power and you are letting this man dominate you?

He does contribute to the household by being a SAHP (albeit a shit one, by the sounds of it, and to judge by the OP's other threads).

This is potentially a very big deal, in terms of child arrangement orders. He actually has the power to say that as he has been a SAHP, the DC stay with him. Even if he doesn't want that to happen, he could well use it as a weapon against the OP.