I need help processing wtf just happened

[Coffeetableconundrum]

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

[quote Coffeetableconundrum]@whenthestarsgoblue to be clear, there was no playfighting. We were lying on the sofa cuddling and watching Netflix. We were chatting. I made the joke about being bad, he played along, I poked him in the side, he grabbed my wrists and kept saying the same thing again and again, it went from there.[/quote]
I apologise if I have misunderstood - but there's a lot of conflicting information. To be frank, neither of you are covered in glory in this situation.

@ProudAuntie76

My father has been diabetic since he was 40. This was one of the first signs. Rages, coldness, clamminess, shaking. He was very placid but when his sugars were all over the place he’d be violent and argumentative.

This was also my first thought. I'm not diabetic myself but had insulin dependent gestational diabetes when pregnant. When my blood sugar was low I could get bad tempered and aggressive, which was not like me at all usually.

Has he history of substance use OP?

@marinaloves Yes, I accept that I haven’t been clear. I shouldn’t have said tickling in my initial post - that isn’t what I was doing. As I said, he hates to be tickled, we have had a serious conversation about that previously where he made it clear how uncomfortable it made him, I took that seriously and haven’t done it since.
I poked him in the side twice (he didn’t seem to mind that, it was the fact that I wasn’t answering his question that seemed to escalate things.)
I see that I’ve cause confusion by initially saying I was tickling him. To be honest I think I was trying to cast it in more of a joke-y ‘we’re both as bad as each other’ light because I was so shocked at what had happened. I think that’s coloured perceptions here.

I feel like I am reading a different post to most other posters. That situation sounds really scary and like his mask slipped to me. Not an expert but I would have been scared. And I do wonder if the episode was faked.

@prawncocktailpringles When he said to me ‘I think I’m about to pass out’ I thought, yeah, right... And then he did. It crossed my mind it could be fake but he was so pale and his forehead was drenched in a cold sweat. The way he crumbled too was completely natural. When he came to and asked what had happened, he said ‘I mean, I remember apologising to you, I’m not trying to say I forgot what happened before, I just don’t remember after that or why I’m on the ground.’
I don’t think it was fake, he doesn’t deny what happened before, so it’s not like ‘And then he woke up...’ This wasn’t an out for him.

I find it interesting when you went from being scared of his behaviour to worrying about him. Seems like deflection.

@RosesAndHellebores

He doesn't like being tickled so you ignored him and goaded.

He felt under attack and responded accordingly.

There's certainly a red flag op.

What? Playfully laughing and joking = both wrists being grabbed tightly and demanding she answers questions to the point she is scared?

Hell no it doesn’t. Nice try on victim blaming on victim blaming though ..

OP only you know what happened as you were there. Your take away feeling is that now you feel scared. Your feelings are the only ones that matter - not some random people on MN. If you feel scared - listen to that feeling. It’s there to protect us.

So sorry this happened, you must feel worried and upset.

• speak with him in the morning and see what he says
• definitely make sure he sees his GP as it may well be something medical

I think it's entirely possible that this will never happen again but I would definitely have my antenna up until i felt reassured.

@RantyAnty This is completely off base, but hey, I’m sitting here with nothing else to think about and feeling like shit so why not respond?

I did not hurt him. He didn’t say that I had or in any way express that I had. He was angry at me because I wouldn’t answer his question.

I don’t monitor what he posts online. I was sitting next to him when he posted it. I turned to him after he clicked ‘post’ and said ‘that was a bit dickish, no?’

Yes, he has depression and anxiety. So do I. We both take medication, and both support each other. Having anxiety and depression is not an excuse to act in way that leaves your partner feeling threatened and scared.

I think he needs medical help. However the trust is broken, unfortunately I think you need to end it

I like your DH hate being tickled
And poking me in the side or middle is exactly the same as tickling - it gives the same reaction - makes me extremely anxious and liable to hit out.

As others have said. Only you really know what happened
If he entirely unprovoked tried to hurt you, then just leave. You don’t live together, you don’t have kids. No point in feeling scared.

People can have physioligical responses for emotional as well as medical reasons. Regardless of his episode, the wrist grabbing and scaring you still happened. I would be wary. This was a very small trigger. What if the trigger was something bigger? What if you said "the wrong thing" in front of his parents?

Mumsnet is strange. So many times people see red flags where I don't. In this case I absolutely do.

I can't believe he passed out and you chucked him out!

Is he diabetic?

The one comment that jumped out at me is "did you tell your parents".

Do you tell your parents everything op. Are tehy in your life a little bit too much.

Also hate being tickled,jabbed or anything of the sort. Really annoys me.

@DimidDavilbyn
I asked him to leave.
After he passed out.
After he gripped my wrists tightly, harangued me and made me feel afraid.

That was what I needed to do at the time to feel safe and protect myself. I’m not going to be made guilty for that.

I feel there’s a bit of backtracking and minimising going on. It does seem there might have been some goading and tickling - maybe he asked you to stop, you continued and then he lost his shit with you? Couldn’t get past the bit where you asked him to leave after you said he was ‘out of it’ for 10 minutes.

@prawncocktailpringles and @Seasaltyhair have it I think.
He scared you and now you’re worried about him. It’s convenient.
I don’t see there’s necessarily a link that he was “out of it” when he scared you to be honest. Sounds like it happened afterwards.
If it really was a medical issue he’ll be at the doctors and looking for answers. If he doesn’t address it seriously then as a best case he’s happy to risk it again....

OP I think you're minimising what you did. You know he doesn't like tickling, so much so that you've had to have a conversation about it before. It sounds like it's triggering for him for some reason. Then you're goading him and tickling him - which he has asked you not to do previously. It sounds like you've brought on a panic attack to me.

It should be you apologising, and leaving.

I don't like being tickled either. I would stand up and move. Regardless the guy didn't say his problem was with the tickling but with the OP telling other people about something he did.

@DimidDavilby

I can't believe he passed out and you chucked him out!

Fucking bonkers on here sometimes. He got kicked out because what he did to her. He used excessive force.

OP his reaction and behaviour is got to be very revealing in the next few days. If he goes to the GP about his violent outburst he might genuinely had had some thing very strange happened to him ( still very scary for you) if he doesn’t I’d give him a wide birth.

Sorry of this is a repeat post but my phone is playing up.
OP, could you do a Clare Law's request?

I'm not medically trained but look up vasovagal syncope - fainting caused by triggers such stress or extreme emotion. Sounds like it could apply to this situation.