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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need help processing wtf just happened

462 replies

Coffeetableconundrum · 26/01/2021 20:39

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

OP posts:
DailyCandy · 26/01/2021 22:18

You didn’t answer him when he asked you if you told your parents because he had already frightened you and you were worried about his reaction, right?
He thinks you owe absolute loyalty to Him and have to maintain his image with your parents.
Fuck that. He’s a control freak who fakes fainting episodes...Bin.

NameChanged294749 · 26/01/2021 22:18

Sorry, hadn't read the thread. But I see others have said the same. Good luck op, a trip to the doctors is definitely in order.

SunshineCake · 26/01/2021 22:19

My take on this would be not to contact him tomorrow to see what he says first. I'd err on the side of caution and back away for a bit tbh.

Caswint · 26/01/2021 22:20

Whatever the cause, whyever he did it: you can't help him. He was aggressive and violent in that moment. It is not your job to diagnose the cause.

It's not your fault. He wan't yelling, Stop poking me! Or, Stop insulting me! Those things are not what bothered him.

Bottom line, you can't fix him. He needs to head off on his own and find out what went wrong, then come back to you with answers and a way forward. You can decide then if you feel safe enough to try again.

sunnyzweibrucken · 26/01/2021 22:22

the hairs on the back of my neck stood up reading this post. the fact that he basically "snapped" and was so concerned about if you had told your parents about it gives me a weird vibe. it seemed to be what set him off and where it went from playful to weird.

i would've been afraid of him too. and i HATE to be tickled or poked. however my usual reaction is to try to get away from the person. sometimes i have a knee-jerk reaction and may elbow them or something but never turn the tables on them and hold them down and ask questions over and over. this whole situation is bizarre to me.

NiceGerbil · 26/01/2021 22:26

My first instinct would be that he was putting it on to draw attention away from what he just did/ don't know what came over me etc etc

I wasn't there though.

cheeseandworcestershireontoast · 26/01/2021 22:28

OP you haven’t done anything wrong which warrants that reaction. You were being a playful wind up. Just earlier my DP took the last mouthful of dessert we were sharing and when I turned back round I said ‘you greedy bugger!’ and playfully pushed his shoulder. Anybody who tries to equate these sorts of events to inciting violence is being obtuse. It was a teasing, wind up moment between OP and her partner - yes some people don’t like being teased but it didn’t warrant that reaction?! And to say ‘I can’t believe you kicked him out’ should we just accommodate all violent men who say they feel ill?

VanGoghsDog · 26/01/2021 22:28

Sounds like this:. www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/vasovagal-syncope/symptoms-causes/syc-20350527#:~:text=Vasovagal%20syncope%20(vay-zoh-,blood%20pressure%20to%20drop%20suddenly.

I get it with some things. Worth seeing the GP just on case.

cansu · 26/01/2021 22:28

Sounds like he pulled the illness card when he realised you were calling him out on his shitty behaviour

Reinventinganna · 26/01/2021 22:30

He needs to see a doctor. Both this being unusual behaviour and the passing out are concerning.

Is he taking any medication that you know of?

toocold54 · 26/01/2021 22:30

We all have a fight or flight reaction to things and you backed him into a corner and he ‘fought’ which a lot of us would do.

However his reaction was extreme for such a small issue and unless he was triggered in some way then it could be a red flag.

The fainting alarms me the most.
If it was true then I think he could be ill but if it was fake then he is definitely someone you should watch out for as his mask slipped and he panicked so needed to figure out a way for you to feel sorry for him and ‘forget’ what just happened.

mrwalkensir · 26/01/2021 22:32

Friend was on the verge of divorce due to her husbands continuing (new) aggressive behaviour. Thank goodness GP twigged he was diabetic. Back to being happy ever after...

partyatthepalace · 26/01/2021 22:33

[quote Coffeetableconundrum]@partyatthepalace thank you so much, the support really means a lot. I am desperate to speak to someone but don’t want to tell anyone I know what has happened because I’m afraid they’ll judge him or think badly of him. Hence posting on here.
The number of people saying blood pressure does make me wonder... He seems to have low blood pressure, is always wobbly when he stands up too quickly (at least 3 times a week.) Maybe a panic attack.[/quote]
I think you should call a friend or family member if you have someone.

There may well be a medical explanation - or there may not. But you shouldn’t feel you need to cover for his behaviour or not get support - if there’s an explanation, no one is going to think badly of him.

Backbee · 26/01/2021 22:34

All sounds a bit odd to be honest. But if it is genuinely our of character and he as actually clammy etc them he should get himself checked out by a doctor asap. If you don't feel comfortable round him then don't see him again.

Neversleepingever · 26/01/2021 22:36

You did the right thing, OP. See what his next actions are. In terms of 'is this how it starts' I really don't know. If I were in your position. I'd talk it through with him when I was ready and express how it made me feel. See if he can give some kind of explanation and then be on guard for any red flags but ultimately, put it down to a really strange reaction that I would need an explanation for.

However, you are the only one who can know for sure. I'd totally support you if you wanted to end the relationship here.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 26/01/2021 22:37

@Caswint

Whatever the cause, whyever he did it: you can't help him. He was aggressive and violent in that moment. It is not your job to diagnose the cause.

It's not your fault. He wan't yelling, Stop poking me! Or, Stop insulting me! Those things are not what bothered him.

Bottom line, you can't fix him. He needs to head off on his own and find out what went wrong, then come back to you with answers and a way forward. You can decide then if you feel safe enough to try again.

He was aggressive and the OP was absolutely right to protect herself but sometimes aggressive behaviour is genuinely due to disorientation, and is not deliberate. There are quite a lot of medical conditions when this can happen, including some already mentioned by PPs. (I'm a doctor). Diabetes doesn't cause low blood sugar unless you are on medication for it, but people can have low blood sugar for other reasons, and sometimes high blood sugar can cause similar effects.

None of us was there, and none of us can say for sure whether he fully in control of what he was doing or not. But, from the OP's description, it does sound at least possible that the grabbing onto her and asking the same question repeatedly were due to him being disorientated and confused. It was aggressive, but it may not have intentional aggression.

ZoeTurtle · 26/01/2021 22:37

Funny how he got his first ever hypo, conveniently, in a situation where he was probably hoping the ground would swallow him up, wasn't it?

If you believe in this level of coincidence, you're daft.

Talking of daft... If it was a hypo then it was the cause of the situation, not something that just happened to occur at the same time. No coincidence.

Mimipo · 26/01/2021 22:44

Does his name begin with T?

Mimipo · 26/01/2021 22:44

An ex did something similar to me and it was terrifying

He got worked up and held and shook my wrists

Pollaidh · 26/01/2021 22:46

A few thoughts -

  • Trauma trigger. Something very bad happened as a child, the telling the parents thing could have been something an abuser said to him? The lack of bodily autonomy during tickling combined with this specific phrase have sent him into a flashback and he was scared and fought. I know he said the repeated phrase, rather than you, but it could fit.

Other possibilities that immediately came to mind include some kind of seizure, diabetes, very low blood sugar combined with low blood pressure (I get both and my pancreas doesn't work properly, and I get horribly hangry, acting completely out of character). Has he changed his meds recently? That can also cause weird reactions.

In your position I would investigate medical issues/solutions first, before considering abuse. But I would at the same time keep a watchful eye out for any abusive behaviour.

MrMeSeeks · 26/01/2021 22:47

I think you massively overreacted.
You poked him him even though you know he doesn't like it, was teasing him and he then got annoyed.
If this is so out of character i’d be extremely worried about him Confused
He sounds very unwell.

You also need to remember boundaries.
He is also allowed to not like something.

Goldieloxx · 26/01/2021 22:50

There are some really judgey horrible comments on here trying to blame a woman who is shaken and scared.
OP, sleep on it, listen to your gut, speak to him tomorrow and make sure he books a GP appointment. Good luck

bogoffmda · 26/01/2021 22:50

Can I just point out that being aggressive is NOT indicative of being a diabetic - so could people please stop conflating the issues here.

if it is a hypo the that is LOW blood sugar and not indicative of undiagnosed diabetes

fastwigglylines · 26/01/2021 22:52

@MrMeSeeks

I think you massively overreacted. You poked him him even though you know he doesn't like it, was teasing him and he then got annoyed. If this is so out of character i’d be extremely worried about him Confused He sounds very unwell.

You also need to remember boundaries.
He is also allowed to not like something.

JFC.

Another apologist for male violence.

What about the OP's boundaries around not being attacked?

Is she not allowed to not like being shouted at aggressively and restrained?

And people say we don't need feminism any more...

Chocolateraincloud3 · 26/01/2021 22:53

He needs to contact his gp tomoro. Cold/clammy and collapsing is not right