I need help processing wtf just happened

[Coffeetableconundrum]

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

[OhCaptain]

@Silenceisgolden20 you can’t decide to get OP’s thread deleted.

[Silenceisgolden20]

I'm not deciding anything. I've requested they look at it by reporting it. I said I hope it's deleted.

You know this is why I hate the hashtag be kind crap on social media because this is human behaviour. This is what people are like.

We don't know the OP. We don't know her life. Leave her alone
You can disagree without attacking her.

[knittingaddict]

Ok, those castigating the op, why did he grab her wrists and shout repeated questions about whether she had told her parents about this online thing? That doesn't sound like the poking or tickling or whatever was his problem. Why didn't he just say "stop poking me".

My guess as a a mother whose daughter suffered domestic abuse, is that the man sounds possibly abusive here. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm not talking to him and he isn't reading this thread. If some of you are wrong and it is the op who is the victim, then you've basically made her the abuser. She may not seek the help she needs if all this is true. Maybe you do have your doubts, but none of you know. I don't know either, but just be careful how you treat someone like the op. You could do untold damage.

[knittingaddict]

@Silenceisgolden20

I'm not deciding anything. I've requested they look at it by reporting it. I said I hope it's deleted.

You know this is why I hate the hashtag be kind crap on social media because this is human behaviour. This is what people are like.

We don't know the OP. We don't know her life. Leave her alone
You can disagree without attacking her.

Yes.

[user1467048527]

Also support the thread being removed.

Posters leaping to conclusions and filling in the blanks in their own minds is dangerous. Amazing how some people know the dynamic of this relationship and what happened so well that they can confidently assert the op is the wrongdoer.

This isn’t watching a true crime documentary on Netflix and speculating whether someone is guilty - it’s someone living through this situation now. Who says they were afraid. It shouldn’t be lightly dismissed, let alone twisted around completely.

[user1467048527]

Absolutely @knittingaddict - what I mean to say, but so much clearer.

[gannett]

As far as we know there have been no other health concerns so it’s possible he had a panic attack when he realised what he had just done.

OP has said that he has a history of panic attacks.

[IamAporcupine]

[quote Coffeetableconundrum]@prawncocktailpringles When he said to me ‘I think I’m about to pass out’ I thought, yeah, right... And then he did. It crossed my mind it could be fake but he was so pale and his forehead was drenched in a cold sweat. The way he crumbled too was completely natural. When he came to and asked what had happened, he said ‘I mean, I remember apologising to you, I’m not trying to say I forgot what happened before, I just don’t remember after that or why I’m on the ground.’
I don’t think it was fake, he doesn’t deny what happened before, so it’s not like ‘And then he woke up...’ This wasn’t an out for him.[/quote]
@Iamdobby63 - the OP said it.

[JoMumsnet]

We're getting a lot of reports about this thread and have deleted a number of posts which were not in the spirit of the site. As the OP hasn't been back since yesterday morning, we're going to close it for now so we can go through the rest of the thread.

OP, if you'd like us to re-open it, please get in touch at [email protected]

[JoMumsnet]

UPDATE: The OP's been in touch and has asked us to re-open the thread so she can post. We're re-opening it now.

[Coffeetableconundrum]

I just contacted MN to reopen this thread.

I’d taken some time away because it became very upsetting to read here at a time when I was already confused and struggling to process what had happened. I have now read through all of the posts, and am disappointed at the direction that the thread has taken.

I understand that posters don’t know the whole story, and can only base their views on what I have shared myself. I also understand that by posting here, I invited people to share their views (and these could be negative as well as positive.)

My intention in starting this thread however was to ask for support and advice at a time when I was hugely shaken and tearful. I didn’t expect to be accused of being an abuser, a twat, a tit, a ‘Roxanne Pallet’, a liar, lacking empathy, immature, withholding food from my DP, attempting to minimise, or a gaslighter, all of which I have been labelled - amongst other things - by posters at various times.

As I updated, my DP and I have spoken and we are both upset at how events unfolded. He accepts that he was wholly wrong to react the way that he did, and that his reaction scared me. He acknowledges that he should have simply said ‘I’m not actually joking, I’m getting quite annoyed, can we talk seriously?’ which is what we would normally do. He also says that he doesn’t understand why he got so annoyed, because he knew I was joking and being lighthearted and it was totally in keeping with our fun and relaxed dynamic with each other. He was clear that he didn’t want that to change, and is concerned that I might feel I have to act cautiously around him from now on, which he doesn’t want. He has told me that he feels ashamed and embarrassed for what happened, and can’t explain it. He went to the GP yesterday afternoon, and there are no concerns, although they have referred him for an ECG to be certain. Obviously we’re both very relieved that nothing has been flagged with regards to his health.

I thought about just trying to forget this thread and leave it - after all, none of you know me, and I don’t know you - but I am surprised and disappointed about some of the vitriol that has come my way, and even though I should probably leave well alone, wanted to (probably misguidedly) defend myself.

It’s one thing to suggest that I should consider my own conduct here and whether I had played a part, and another to make the sort of nasty comments that I’ve quoted above. I posted in a moment of upset and vulnerability, and to have been so thoroughly condemned in the way I have has made that worse.

One thing that has stood out for me in this thread is the requirement to be a ‘perfect victim’ (note – I’m not saying I think of myself as a victim, just highlighting the requirement to be one.) Yes, I originally wrote tickled, and that was inaccurate and I should have said prodded or poked. I also wrote he was out for 10 seconds, when really it was 1 or 2. I tried to clear these mistakes up. Similarly, I wrote that I asked him to leave and he did, because I didn’t think it was necessary to spell out ‘I asked him to leave, and he agreed, so I walked him home to his front door because there are stairs on the way and I was concerned he wouldn’t be steady on them given that he had fainted. I left him at his front door, and then when I returned to mine, phoned his flatmate to check he was safe.’

I can see that some people have seen this as me being inconsistent, or that ‘the story’ has changed, but I would have thought that people could accept that I hurriedly wrote the first message within 15 minutes of the event, when I was shaken up and tearful, and have since tried to clarify things. I didn’t expect my posts to be so throughly interrogated, for there to be over 400 replies, and for any mistake or vagueness chalked up to me lying or minimising rather than to simple error at an emotional time. I wrote this asking for help, not as a witness statement.

I don’t understand the certainty with which some posters said that I must be changing my story because I didn’t like the response, that I must have provoked him, that I must be lying.

I’m not asking for this thread to be deleted, but to those of you who have responded so harshly, maybe just think about the real person on the other side of the screen who you have repeatedly kicked while they were down, despite knowing nothing of their life, who has sat here and read about what a horrible abuser they must be.

To those of you who gave constructive advice and words of wisdom - whether I agreed or not - and tried to help and support, I am really grateful.

[HeronLanyon]

Support op. So sorry for you that the thread was difficult just at a time you were in some shock and trying to process things (as your title said).
Really hope things resolve in a way you are happy with and feel confident about.

[GingerBeverage]

I'm glad you reopened it. I had to stop reading it as well, feeling that the torrent of nitpicking was decidedly gang-like.
In online forums there is a proclivity towards extremism (hence why LTB is almost a running joke here).

[Iamdobby63]

Well said OP. I hope you are ok. I’m glad to hear you and your partner are working through this issue and I hope it turns out to be a one off.

[cheeseandworcestershireontoast]

Very well put indeed OP, I hope you are ok

[TJ17]

This site is getting increasingly spiteful to be honest which is a bit embarrassing and disappointing from grown adults. Some people really need step back and look at themselves and remember there are real life people reading their comments.

The same people probably speak of what a tragedy it is when a suicide is committed.

I'm sorry you felt so attacked OP and I hope things work out for the best for you.

[billy1966]

Well said OP.

I am so glad that he has confirmed that it was indeed him in the wrong.

That he knew well there was no malice in your behaviour and that he is ashamed of what he did.

That he wanted to be checked over by his GP after the episode.

I think you behaved very well and were absolutely correct to ask him to leave.

You feeling safe was of paramount importance.

I'm so sorry that so many posters are so fixated on victim blaming when a man lays a hand on a woman.

I wish you the very best going forward.

[lulujuju]

Well said OP! I am stunned by the nasty comments you've received, particularly those who said it was your fault.
Sadly Mumsnet has become so popular that the supportive nature that used to exist is long gone. I hope things work out with your DP, if you want to continue the relationship.

[user1467048527]

Good to see you back op and pushing back against the ridiculously unfair character assassination you’ve received. Also that this incident is being dealt with.

‘Perfect victim’ is right. So many times you see posters picked apart for not expressing themselves ideally or admitting to doing or thinking something less than perfect, and it tends to get quite mob-like. This thread is a perfect example of this: some posters queried some aspects of the OP’s behaviour, others were then critical, it soon became clear that some thought whatever op did was equally bad as what she underwent and finally there were posters saying op was the abuser.

I see this pattern again and again: minor ‘crimes’ (if that) magnified to justify nasty or scary behaviour from partners. It’s like people can’t compute that there is a sliding scale between perfect and unacceptable.

No perspective. Spiteful. Ignorantly jumping to conclusions.

Glad to see someone standing up to the bullies on here! And thank goodness for all the reasonable, balanced and empathetic posters.

[Itstimetoquit]

It's a sad matter of affairs when op came here for support and got attacked,hope your ok op x

[YNK]

Do you think an eeg is sufficient OP?
I think a full range of tests are warranted considering what you observed, particularly since he has had turns before that he has attributed to 'panic attacks'.
Did you speak to your partners doctor since his consciousness was affected?

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

So glad you have come back and really articulated how it feels to be in the end of such a thread. I think your comments about being a 'perfect victim' are spot on. It's not often an OP comes back and makes their case so clearly and you have spoken for many others who have had such mixed reactions to posts.

Brava for that. I hope you work though the incident with DP. Stay perceptive.

[SuperHighway]

Well said OP. Your 'perfect victim' comment is spot on. So many posters piling on, making up their own narrative and filling in the gaps.. "you must have ..." "you're obviously...." "I bet you..." I was on the receiving end of a similar attack when I was new on here under a different name. I was weird, a liar, had a chip on my shoulder, all over the most innocuous post about the way I'd been spoken to by a male relative which had upset me. I was told what did I expect from AIBU? I was new here and had no idea it was a bear pit.

Sadly I think things have got worse on here rather than better.

[Poppingnostopping]

Glad you are talking and that you are getting him investigated. If he has ongoing issues with fainting/getting angry, more investigations are warranted. Totally agree with what you are saying, I used to think of Relationships as a place which was softer and more helpful than AIBU and where women were never ever blamed for the aggression or violence of men.