I need help processing wtf just happened

[Coffeetableconundrum]

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

[Gilly12345]

When he left where was he planning of going? I would be concerned for his welfare/safety.

[LadyStarlight]

I'm also a bit surprised that you asked him to leave after he'd passed out! I get that he'd frightened you and it was likely a knee jerk reaction, but have you spoken since? Do you know if he got home ok?

[Lucieintheskye]

I think he's either had a panic attack or this is a physiological issue relating to blood sugar/pressure. It certainly doesn't sound like it's usual for him to become very angry over nothing.

When you're ready could you speak to him and encourage him to speak to his GP? It could be a sign of a more serious issue, or even a side effect of the medication he takes perhaps?

Yanbu to feel you can't trust him, but until you can find out what caused the outburst (whether it's stress or a medical issue), I think you'd be sensible to keep your distance from him and work on processing the situation. It may be that there's an underlying issue that's caused this and you'd be right to not trust him going onwards, or there will be a reason that suggests it's safe to slowly work with him to build up your trust. It's okay to keep neutral at this point.

Try to use any anxiety reducing relaxation techniques like breathing methods or meditation if you use them. Keeping yourself calm will help you process this better. If it helps you may choose to write down what happened, or even say it as a voice note to yourself. Try to open a window and get some fresh air and have a glass of water. Whatever happens you will find out what caused it and you will have a solution. You will feel better than you do now. It will be okay.

[WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo]

You handled the situation perfectly and don't listen to people with no boundaries saying otherwise.

Have you had any serious arguments or disagreements previously and how did he react then? No one knows how another person is going to react in situations of stress, arguments or even when the power differential between them changes. People reveal themselves in these situations.

[RhubarbTea]

@prawncocktailpringles

I feel like I am reading a different post to most other posters. That situation sounds really scary and like his mask slipped to me. Not an expert but I would have been scared. And I do wonder if the episode was faked.

I felt the same reading this, he went all funny when he realised you'd clocked him behaving abusively and then suddenly you're all worried and asking him if he's okay, focus is off his behaviour and you're on the back foot. Neat.

[ProudAuntie76]

Have you phoned him to check he’s still conscious?

You really should have sought medical attention.

As I say I’ve been aggressive ONCE in my life. Luckily my family recognised it wasn’t typical of me, along with shaking, drowsiness, cold sweat. I pushed them out the way. Went to bed without dinner. Woke up with paramedics over me. I’d had dangerously low blood sugar levels and was about to go into a coma.

I do hope he’s ok.

[flowers08]

if I'm really stressed or getting worked up about something, my chest goes tight and I get really lightheaded. there are times when it is so extreme that i need to sit or lay down or I could easily hit the deck. I also suffer with panic attacks, sounds to me this is what it is related to.

it is clearly important to him what your parents think of him if that and you tickling him was that much of a stressor. I have mixed feelings about this though - if someone was tickling me, I'd probably grab their arms/wrists to get them to stop.

[Catty1720]

@prawncocktailpringles

I feel like I am reading a different post to most other posters. That situation sounds really scary and like his mask slipped to me. Not an expert but I would have been scared. And I do wonder if the episode was faked.

I agree did he put the episode on to get sympathy because he realised he’d lost his temper

[justilou1]

I think you did exactly the right thing, and he did to by leaving. I don’t know if he has some kind of ptsd or a disorder which allows him to disassociate, but I would agree that in that moment, you weren’t safe. I would be thinking seriously about whether you want to be in a relationship with this man after this event.

[Shoxfordian]

Yeah I agree with @prawncocktailpringles as well
I don’t think he’s a good man for you to be around

[NameChange84]

I suffer from syncope when I’m tickled (and other things). I’ve got an autoimmune condition which causes dangerously low blood pressure amongst other things and since childhood tickling has been a trigger for blackouts and irregular heartbeat. It’s awful, I can remember being little and not being able to breathe and feeling everything going black and complete twats others thinking that was a cue to tickle me harder. I bit someone once to get them to stop.

If it’s totally out of character I’d go with it being medical.

[suggestionsplease1]

I think he should definitely speak to his GP just on the small off chance that there's an underlying heart condition as much as anything else. That episode coupled with unsteadiness when standing up should probably just be checked over.

[overnightangel]

“ He's been up to no good and he freaked out about it, it seems. Who is this "someone?" Another woman?”

Oh fuck off will you

[tatutata]

I don't understand the situation. You were being weird, so he was a bit weird, then he collapsed. And that means he's abusive. OK.

[BookFiend4Life]

Can't believe some of the responses here. His response was completely disproportionate to whatever OP did, regardless of whether the two light pokes felt like tickling or if he's tired of how much she talks to her parents or if she saw a post that he made online and made an extremely mild comment about it. I agree the fainting sounds weird and maybe he did have some kind of fit, but as you say, it was an extremely mild trigger for the level of his response and it scared you. He meant to intimidate you and it worked. You did right to send him home (after giving him a glass of water ffs all posters that are SO concerned about his five minute walk home.) He should probably go to the dr but I do think it's possible he could also be dangerous to you, I agree clamminess indicates maybe he wasn't fully with it but he could also have been sweating from rage? If it needs to be said, no one should ever forcibly restrain you for not answering a question, except maybe a police officer in some kind of crisis situation. The gift of fear is a good book about our survival instincts and why we have them.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP, I would be scared and teary too. I would tell your most trusted friend, especially if it's someone who can come over and cheer you up. If you think you can recover your sense of safety with him him (and does he need to do anything in order to make you feel safe?) then of course it's your choice whether to carry on seeing him, but it's probably a good idea to look back over your relationship for any red flags and think about if your friends or family would have a problem with any previous interactions.

[roses2]

You asked him to leave when he came round? And it was a first time offence for which he profusely apologised?

Do you have some history where you've been abused before which caused you to freak out?

[BeautifulStar]

At first I thought it sounded like some kind of episode but then with your subsequent posts:

That situation sounds really scary and like his mask slipped to me. Not an expert but I would have been scared. And I do wonder if the episode was faked.

I think this

Sounds like he faked it afterwards to try and excuse his behaviour. I reckon he had a surge of rage. Be very careful OP and don’t forget this.

[SeahorseoramI]

You didnt feel safe. You dont feel the same now. You can just walk away.

[LynetteScavo]

You irritated him physically and mentally and then for some reason he became aggressive and then fainted.

Hmm....it doesn't sound right. There's surely must be something physically wrong with him, and if not, you really need not to be with him.

However, if I were him I wouldn't be returning anyway, after you irritated me and then let me walk home alone after feinting. I hope he has boundaries too.

[littleloopylou]

This is frightening, OP. I would encourage him to seek medical attention and then take a 'wait and see' approach before deciding what to do.

[MaxNormal]

Blood sugar? That can cause people to behave in very uncharacteristically angry ways.

[BeautifulStar]

And the fact you feel very scared and teary shows how much this has upset you - don’t minimise your feelings - our gut reaction is there for a reason. YOU know what happened in the moment and how it made you feel.

[prawncocktailpringles]

Do you know anything abouit his relationship history OP?

[Vtech]

OP, if you look back at your posts you will see your position develops from your initial post where you’re quite generous / forgiving of him and looking for an exonerating explanation to your most recent ones where it’s clear you think he did something very wrong and frightening without justification.

I think this is you working through your feelings about this. None of us were there, we can’t explain why he behaved that way or tell you whether he has a justification for it.

What matters is how you feel about it - and it’s clear from your posts that you were frightened, and that you don’t think his behaviour was justified or explicable. It’s ok for you to listen to your instincts on this. You don’t need permission from anyone else - if it feels wrong to you, it’s wrong. You don’t have to put up with feeling this way because you’re worried your feelings aren’t justified.

[tolerable]

op. i understand youre upset. Feeling frightened is horrible.feeling , to be honest-i hate being tickled. i dont think id ever react well,what the world would consider appropriately...so a wee tiny bit of me can understand if your idea of funny was adding fuel to a serious request /panic response to stop-diffusing might have resulted in otherwise unusual wrist hold.and step back.It could potentially be a trigger /rection/fear and honestly i could probably be over zealous in making it just stop...however. ..its pretty much
cancelled out completely by the repeat demand had you told your parents being his dialog tho.
something shady right there.
have you told them thishave you heard from him since?are you ok?