I need help processing wtf just happened

[Coffeetableconundrum]

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

[Beforethetakingoftoastandtea]

@Oblomov20

This thread is not nice. Poor OP. This is MN not at its best!

Plus as a diabetic, I'm not convinced by all the diabetes suggestions. It could be, but I doubt it. I think it's just a man who lost control.

Hope you get it all resolved OP in whatever way that turns out.

It seems like massive grasping at straws to justify yet another violent man. And why is the op responsible for an adult man’s health?! Madness.

I dated someone years ago, for a couple of years, who would faint during an argument. I was so convinced i even called 999 more than once. Guess who was faking and turned into a control abusive asshat? Clue? Not me.

[Someone1987]

Unhappiness!*

[Someone1987]

Mumsnet is horrible atm. Everyone is taking out their own happiness and frustrations on life to people on here.

[HighlightedTrees]

People are vile on here OP and there is A LOT of projection going on. I left a thread/let a thread die about being proposed to because the answers I received about it were starting to turn. People seem to forget it's a person behind the thread

[Cam2020]

Sorry you had such a horrible expeirence, OP, compounded by some of the responses here. I actually thought I'd wandered into AIBU becasue the replies were so brutal and out of line.

Nothing any more constructive to add, just that if your partner is serious about making amends, he needs to get himself to the Drs and be completely honest about what happened and how he's feeling.

[LJenn]

Wishing you the best OP. Jesus you can't reach out for comfort or advice any more without someone tearing you down. This forum has become a haven for nasty comments and bullies. Shame!

[Oblomov20]

This thread is not nice. Poor OP. This is MN not at its best!

Plus as a diabetic, I'm not convinced by all the diabetes suggestions. It could be, but I doubt it. I think it's just a man who lost control.

Hope you get it all resolved OP in whatever way that turns out.

[fluffygreenmonsterhoody]

Just come to this thread now OP and read in disbelief as people picked you apart.

I can’t believe the amount of victim blaming going on.

FWIW, I believe you.

[Radio4Rocks]

*are some vile trolls

[Radio4Rocks]

Just posting in support, OP. There ares ome vile trolls on this site and they seem to have been out in force.

[mrwalkensir]

might (sorry) need to push on the diabetes thing, or at least keep it at the back of your minds. I have friends who have only had diagnoses after ten years or so (by other friends who are gps as it happens) - it can be a complex issue with dots not being joined.

[conunundrum]

OP I think that if you want to stay with him, he does need to work out exactly what it was that triggered him, why he acted like that, well enough to explain it to you properly. Otherwise it is still there, subconsciously, and will come up again. Can you get him to think back and write down the conversation as he remembers it, to work out what he was reacting so strongly to?

As a totally different issue, my dc do similar things to what you described you doing, teasing and poking and withholding info and joking about withholding chocolate, and I do lecture them about not doing it and say "if the other person isn't laughing, it isn't a joke." Is it fair for you to "own" this and tell him that so that he can factor it in when he is trying to work out what triggered him?

And overriding both of the things above, I do think you need to think long and hard about your fear response, remember how you felt and work out if it was a fear response. AFAIK a fear response is a deep subconscious reaction to something, and is there to guide you. You might know rationally that this wasn't a sackable offence situation, but if you felt strong fear in the moment you do need to work out where it came from and heed it.

[Poppingnostopping]

Glad you are talking and that you are getting him investigated. If he has ongoing issues with fainting/getting angry, more investigations are warranted. Totally agree with what you are saying, I used to think of Relationships as a place which was softer and more helpful than AIBU and where women were never ever blamed for the aggression or violence of men.

[SuperHighway]

Well said OP. Your 'perfect victim' comment is spot on. So many posters piling on, making up their own narrative and filling in the gaps.. "you must have ..." "you're obviously...." "I bet you..." I was on the receiving end of a similar attack when I was new on here under a different name. I was weird, a liar, had a chip on my shoulder, all over the most innocuous post about the way I'd been spoken to by a male relative which had upset me. I was told what did I expect from AIBU? I was new here and had no idea it was a bear pit.

Sadly I think things have got worse on here rather than better.

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

So glad you have come back and really articulated how it feels to be in the end of such a thread. I think your comments about being a 'perfect victim' are spot on. It's not often an OP comes back and makes their case so clearly and you have spoken for many others who have had such mixed reactions to posts.

Brava for that. I hope you work though the incident with DP. Stay perceptive.

[YNK]

Do you think an eeg is sufficient OP?
I think a full range of tests are warranted considering what you observed, particularly since he has had turns before that he has attributed to 'panic attacks'.
Did you speak to your partners doctor since his consciousness was affected?

[Itstimetoquit]

It's a sad matter of affairs when op came here for support and got attacked,hope your ok op x

[user1467048527]

Good to see you back op and pushing back against the ridiculously unfair character assassination you’ve received. Also that this incident is being dealt with.

‘Perfect victim’ is right. So many times you see posters picked apart for not expressing themselves ideally or admitting to doing or thinking something less than perfect, and it tends to get quite mob-like. This thread is a perfect example of this: some posters queried some aspects of the OP’s behaviour, others were then critical, it soon became clear that some thought whatever op did was equally bad as what she underwent and finally there were posters saying op was the abuser.

I see this pattern again and again: minor ‘crimes’ (if that) magnified to justify nasty or scary behaviour from partners. It’s like people can’t compute that there is a sliding scale between perfect and unacceptable.

No perspective. Spiteful. Ignorantly jumping to conclusions.

Glad to see someone standing up to the bullies on here! And thank goodness for all the reasonable, balanced and empathetic posters.

[lulujuju]

Well said OP! I am stunned by the nasty comments you've received, particularly those who said it was your fault.
Sadly Mumsnet has become so popular that the supportive nature that used to exist is long gone. I hope things work out with your DP, if you want to continue the relationship.

[billy1966]

Well said OP.

I am so glad that he has confirmed that it was indeed him in the wrong.

That he knew well there was no malice in your behaviour and that he is ashamed of what he did.

That he wanted to be checked over by his GP after the episode.

I think you behaved very well and were absolutely correct to ask him to leave.

You feeling safe was of paramount importance.

I'm so sorry that so many posters are so fixated on victim blaming when a man lays a hand on a woman.

I wish you the very best going forward.

[TJ17]

This site is getting increasingly spiteful to be honest which is a bit embarrassing and disappointing from grown adults. Some people really need step back and look at themselves and remember there are real life people reading their comments.

The same people probably speak of what a tragedy it is when a suicide is committed.

I'm sorry you felt so attacked OP and I hope things work out for the best for you.

[cheeseandworcestershireontoast]

Very well put indeed OP, I hope you are ok

[Iamdobby63]

Well said OP. I hope you are ok. I’m glad to hear you and your partner are working through this issue and I hope it turns out to be a one off.

[GingerBeverage]

I'm glad you reopened it. I had to stop reading it as well, feeling that the torrent of nitpicking was decidedly gang-like.
In online forums there is a proclivity towards extremism (hence why LTB is almost a running joke here).