I need help processing wtf just happened

[Coffeetableconundrum]

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

Not everyone who was abused is seeing it as abuse.

i was mentally and emotionally abused by my shouty ExH for years, and repeatedly threatened with violence.

I dont think this is abuse, one episode of rage/lose of temper does not an abuser make... everyone.. EVERYONE has gone 'over the top' about something once in their lives, and anyone who says they haven't is lying through their teeth.

Calling a single, questionably incident 'abuse' belittles those of use who've actually been through real abuse at the hands of our partners.

@prawncocktailpringles

WTAF is going on with this thread?

The MN minimisers and and victim blamers are out in force.

[quote BorderlineHappy]@Cadent I have RTFT,

Sorry, to clarify re: tickling - I poked him in the side twice, that’s all I meant by that. He does not like to be tickled and we have spoken about it in the past; I have taken that on board and do not do it anymore.

So rather than tickling she poked him in the side. Knowing full well he doesnt like it. And the op story keeps changing when people dont agree with her.

So maybe you reread the op post and you can see that.[/quote]
No, you said she tickled him. She didn’t. So you needed to RTFT not me. She is allowed to clarify things.

And tickling isn’t the same as poking once or twice in a friendly way. He has said no to ticking, not poking.

Why do you think OP should be a mind reader.

saying he’d been ‘bad’ and so didn’t deserve another bit of chocolate.

Anyone else thinking this sounds more like something you'd say to the dog rather than a partner?

This happened in the morning, why did OP bring it up again so much later - and to him no doubt out of the blue?

Was he thinking that the poking would lead to tickling (which it might have done)?

He asked OP a simple question - have you told your parents? Why not answer with an equally simple 'no' rather than stringing it out with 'I might have done'? And does his question imply that the OP regularly tells her parents all the details of their relationship?

People saying he should have walked away, alternatively she could have stopped being goady.

Unless there is a medical reason for what he did, I don't condone his behaviour. But the OP isn't blameless, she was winding him up.

I was laughing away, and tickling him

Thts what @Coffeetableconundrum wrote originally @Cadent

Sorry, to clarify re: tickling - I poked him in the side twice, that’s all I meant by that thats what she wrote at Tue 26-Jan-21 21:00:57.

So i dint change it,the op did.

There’s so much backtracking going on in this thread it’s hard to trust OP.

She tickled him but then another post that she didn’t tickle him, she poked him. Then she just poked him twice.

He passed out for ten seconds. Actually it was two seconds.

She felt frightened and asked him to leave. HE left. She called his flat mate to check he was home safe. Yet another update and somehow she’s now saying she walked him home.

It’s very difficult to believe that any of this is a truthful account.

She is allowed to clarify things. And tickling isn’t the same as poking once or twice in a friendly way. He has said no to ticking, not poking

Her “clarification” is actually changing the story of what she did. She sent him home, no actually to clarify she walked him home. Etc etc

Poking in the side IS tickling, and it is gaslighting to say “I’m not tickling you, I’m just poking you in the ribs repeatedly” If the genders were reversed, people would unanimously agree that poking in the ribs IS tickling

I would ask for this thread to be deleted OP.

This has gone much too far with responses.

And tickling isn’t the same as poking once or twice in a friendly way. He has said no to ticking, not poking.

Why the hell should anybody have to specify they don't want to be poked in the ribs?!

@Coffeetableconundrum

As I said, I spoke to DP last night. We were both very upset. He understood how scared I was and why, said that he never intended to frighten me but could understand that he had. He accepted that he was out of order. He said that he knew I was just joking around, but he was irritated, and rather than just tell me ‘Look, I’m not joking, I’m actually quite annoyed - can you answer my question?’ he got frustrated. We both agree the communication was poor. He’s going to call the GP this morning to discuss what happened and whether there might have been a medical issue. We’re giving each other space to work out how we feel.

Have people chosen not to READ the update?

He knew she was joking BUT he was irritated and HE CHOSE to restrain her hands rather than explaining he was irritated and ask her to just answer the question.

There is NO doubt from the above that he restrained her out of anger.

Absolutely NO EXCUSE for this.

OP, I think it is good that he has answered honestly that he acted out of irritation and anger.

I would be very wary of someone who acted as he did.

Focus on how you felt at the time and is this someone you will feel comfortable with again.

I can't imagine you'll tease him, poke him, or not answer his questions again.

Taking some space would be very wise.

I appreciate you may have been irritating BUT to restrain you and to frighten you was completely unacceptable.
End of.

For people like me, with firm boundaries, this would be it.
With regret.

I just wouldn't trust him again.
This would make me modify my behaviour so that I wouldn't trigger this behaviour again.

This is how abusers control and victims are controlled.

[quote Coffeetableconundrum]**@Aquamarine1029* @Someone1987* No, not to a woman, and not flirty or anything. Sorry, I’m upset and I’m not being clear. I just thought it was a bit rude, as in argumentative. It was on an online forum (like this, I guess) so to a stranger. I was just surprised to see him send it, it was a bit unnecessary I guess, hence why I joked that he’d been ‘bad’.[/quote]
Sounds as though what he posted online was also out of character.

You mentioned that he is on antidepressants - could a dosage or prescription change have been a factor? Also, alcohol if relevant to the situation could be a contributing factor to mood and reactions.

Was he already wound up by the online discussion therefore didn’t enjoy the banter about it with you and snapped?

Only you know him and have the ability to reflect on your relationship as a whole and decide.

Hope you’re feeling better today, OP.

@Silenceisgolden20

I would ask for this thread to be deleted OP.

This has gone much too far with responses.

OP won't be back...

I hope the poor guy is ok.
He urgently needs checked over by a doctor!

I've not read all the responses as it feels like things have descended but in case OP returns - am glad someone mentioned diabetes as this behaviour could easily be an undiagnosed diabetes-induced episode. (used to work for emergency services and aggressive hypo outbursts are much more common than you'd think). Could also be side effect of the medication. The cold/clammy/loss of consciousness doesn't indicate a panic attack in my experience.

I do think it's unlikely a man who for 3 years has had no indication of aggression would suddenly turn violent. Possible of course, but unlikely.

@MrsHusky

Not everyone who was abused is seeing it as abuse.

i was mentally and emotionally abused by my shouty ExH for years, and repeatedly threatened with violence.

I dont think this is abuse, one episode of rage/lose of temper does not an abuser make... everyone.. EVERYONE has gone 'over the top' about something once in their lives, and anyone who says they haven't is lying through their teeth.

Calling a single, questionably incident 'abuse' belittles those of use who've actually been through real abuse at the hands of our partners.

I agree with this, I have had a seriously abusive partner and what is described here could be one thing or the other, it is impossible to tell. My ex intended to cause harm, he purposeful acted in a way to cause fear many times, he played endless games, there was a sustained intimidation - this isn't what is being described here.

This isn't to say the OP's partner will definitely not become abusive, there isn't enough info and the OP has changed her story during the thread so that makes it harder to know.

The OP doesn't "deserve" poor treatment or to feel afraid - no one does - but as a completely separate issue, her behaviour sounds problematic, so I think my advice based on her posts would be to have a break from the relationship, encourage partner to seek medical advice and also consider whether he was triggered and to get appropriate help. If she was scared I do think she needs to get some space to give some proper thought to that. But also for OP to give some thought to her own behaviour, respecting other people's boundaries, being respectful generally.

Hi OP
Not trying to scare you but I have seen someone behave aggressively and out of character then pass out, turns out it was a mini stroke and acting like this beforehand can be one of the symptoms. I do think he needs to get checked out and find out medically what happened first before you make any decisions

@conunundrum

I tend to agree with your post, how long would you say your partner showed any signs of his cruel behaviour, the poster said he had been a perfect partner for 3 years up until this point?
She asked is this how it starts?

I'm sure every abuser if different, but that is her question... is this the actions of an abuser in the early stages.?

I hope he is not, but if she was so fearful maybe it is best not to take the chance with him and move on.

The victim blaming on this thread is unbelievable. Man grabs woman's wrists and frightens her, MN tell her to check he's ok.

@wagsthedog

The victim blaming on this thread is unbelievable. Man grabs woman's wrists and frightens her, MN tell her to check he's ok.

The victim in this is most likely OP’s partner

Man grabs woman's wrists and frightens her, MN tell her to check he's ok
That’s not exactly the full story though is it?
A woman can say and do whatever she likes can she? You can edit what the OP says to your heart’s content but it doesn’t make it true.

I’m very pro LTB for a consistent, obvious abuser, but there’s something weird about what happened in this initial post. Occasionally illness can bring on something like this and personally I’d want to know more if it happened to me. For example I watched my mild mannered vicars wife of a mother in law turn into a banshee during her early stages of dementia and I’ve seen diabetic people become fairly aggressive at times.

Io he needs to see a doctor amd together with you so you can explain what he was like when he collapsed.
Please check he's okay .

A woman can say and do whatever she likes can she? You can edit what the OP says to your heart’s content but it doesn’t make it true.

Lucky I didn't then. She didn't actually do anything. Annoying someone isn't an excuse to be physical.

*He's the victim.
*
Oh wonderful. You're a special kind of misogynist.

@wagsthedog The OP was physical first - poking him repeatedly when he already said he hates tickling & they have already had to have a serious conversation not to tickle.

Do you consider repeated pokes in the ribs to not count as unwanted physical contact?

Have been in abusive relationships. Had to leave with what I could carry & stay in a women's shelter. I am not a male apologist - I do believe both men & women can behave poorly in relationships.

If anyone is being an abuse apologist, it's the people who think that just because you have lady parts means you're somehow exempt from being seen as abusive or wrong.

The OP was physical first - poking him repeatedly

How many times?