I need help processing wtf just happened

[Coffeetableconundrum]

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

Sounds like he had a rage blackout.
Looks like he was really worried what your parents would think of him. It sounds like you were teasing him and while the words you used sound pretty innocent, we don't know about the tone. He wasn't reassured and kept asking. Anyway, the good thing is that rage blackouts can be controlled. You have been with him for three years. Think he would have showed his true self much sooner.
P.S. I hate being poked or tickled. It would make rage. When I was a child older, siblings used to tickle me. While they enjoyed my laughter I felt like exploding. It was a horrible feeling.

But she’s to blame.

Right. So if you do something that annoys me, I have the right to make you feel scared for your safety, do I, Boltonb?

If I was bigger than you and I grabbed your arms and shouted repeatedly in your face to the point you felt scared of me, you'd say that was OK, would you?

JFC where are all these apologists for male violence coming from?

I don't think you're totally innocent in this. As others say you gaslit him
.
He then had a medical episode which you did nothing about, it could have been diabetes related, panic attack, or other things.

Then you kick him out. Unbelievable.

You said you asked him to leave which he did with no problems, then phoned his flatmate to check he'd arrived safely.
After some criticism about sending a 'potentially ' sick person home you then say you walked him home?

I also thought she initially said that she had asked him to leave. She also said he lived less than 5 minutes away.

I just read your update and that seems very sensible. I am very zero tolerance on agression, but in this case the fact that he seems to have reacted as soon as you said you were frightened it is a good sign. I think some things are a one strike and you are out - e.g. hitting, pushing, etc etc. Other things such as shouting in a way that scares you I would let slip ONCE if they immediately acknowledged you were scared and changed their behaviour immediately and didnt do it again. I think holding your wrists is borderline because it is a low impact way of getting someone to stop doing something. It is complicated because I would understand it more if it was that he needed you to stop tickling him as seemed to be the case from your first post, but you later clarified you werent tickling him so hmmmm.
At the very least I think it is sensible to give each other a little space and to keep an eye on how things develop. At the same time if you find it difficult to relax around him after this incident then you are justified in ending the relationship. But I think your reactions all the way through (sending him home, telling him how he made you feel etc) have been the right ones.

You have been with him for three years. Think he would have showed his true self much sooner.

No, not necessarily. Violence is something that can manifest after a long time. My friend was violently assaulted by the father of her DC after nearly 20 years together. He was arrested and they're now divorced.

Looking back, she can see he was controlling, but it's only as she got older that she challenged him. The violence was 100% on him.

By the way, I think in the case were someone is tickling/poking their partner and they need them to stop (not saying this is the case with the OP necesarily), it is justified to use a small amount of physicality to stop it. But this depends massively on the size difference in the 2 adults. Someone mentioned being tickled as a child and biting to make it stop - that is actually proportionate for a child being tickled by a much larger adult. A small woman being tickled/prodded etc by a much larger man might be justified in hitting out in some cases (not necessarily advisable but understandable). Where the person being tickled is larger, then holding the wrists/hands of the person doing it is probably all they need to do in terms of force. So it should be the full extent of force they use.

That isnt double standards. It is taking into account the level of force needed to stop something you dont like when words havent worked.

@Boltonb who said she ‘whipped him up into a frenzy’?

@Silenceisgolden20

I think the women that have responded with it doesn't seem right have prob experienced similar with men. It is used as a tactic. Not saying that's what happened here but something's not right.

I think that is spot on. My first thought was did he put on the fainting spell. My daughter was a victim of domestic abuse and it is exactly the kind of thing her ex would have done.

He was excessively concerned about whether she had told us things that he had done. How people viewed him was an obsession of his. He would also have conveniently timed health crisis, which looking back I am incredibly suspicious of.

I have no idea what happened in the op's case, but the fact that she let him leave without seeking medical help suggests to me that she also had her doubts. If you leave a medical condition out of it, it looks like abuse to me.

I think the women that have responded with it doesn't seem right have prob experienced similar with men.

Or maybe just maybe we like to make up our own minds.

From what i have read,the op is at fault.She has to take some responsability.

And the people bringing size in to.That would mean that theres no female abusers.Cause you know men being bigger and stronger.
Which of course its bollocks.It just suits the narrative to paint all men abusive.
Plus the op is changing her story,why do that.

[quote Iamdobby63]@Boltonb who said she ‘whipped him up into a frenzy’?[/quote]
I’m saying that some posters here, are going to whip the OP up into a frenzy of believing her DP is abusive and scary, rather than the OP recognising that she caused the situation.

I see it's been mentioned already, but my first thought was 'diabetes'. We had someone at work with type 1 diabetes (sadly he died of it in the end). The first we knew of it was when he was talking to someone in a meeting room. He suddenly started asking the same question over and over again, then he collapsed. In his case he kept getting up and then collapsing. It was very frightening for the other person.

How rubbish for you OP.

Clearly the responsible thing to do is to rule out underlying medical causes first.

I hope you find it is something that is (a) medical and (b) curable or entirely managable.

all the best.

@fastwigglylines

But she’s to blame.

Right. So if you do something that annoys me, I have the right to make you feel scared for your safety, do I, Boltonb?

If I was bigger than you and I grabbed your arms and shouted repeatedly in your face to the point you felt scared of me, you'd say that was OK, would you?

JFC where are all these apologists for male violence coming from?

If you told me that you are triggered by being tickled, and I’d promised not to do it. I then tickle you but gaslight you by saying “it’s poking in the side, not tickling” and I won’t stop, and keep doing it over and over...

If you restrained me, to stop me, that would be reasonable. I’d be pissed off you’d restrained me, but that doesn’t change the fact that you have a right to defend yourself from perpetual physical contact that is making you uncomfortable

@boredinthouse

RTFT, she says

Sorry, to clarify re: tickling - I poked him in the side twice, that’s all I meant by that. He does not like to be tickled and we have spoken about it in the past; I have taken that on board and do not do it anymore.

My darling DP had a massive (and totally unexpected, and completely out of character) rage fit, not directed at me, and was shaking and pale and clammy, and afterwards understandably horrified at himself and couldn't understand what had happened or where it had come from.

We were still wondering what had happened when he died of a massive sudden heart attack less than a week later.

Please encourage him to see a doctor as a matter of priority.

I can't see any medical issue that would involve him gripping your wrists firmly, and repeatedly asking the same question. A medical issue would cause you not to be able to grip, and demand an answer to a question surely

Really? Where did you go to medical school?

I have been a doctor for over 20 years, including many in A&E. People who are unwell due to low blood sugar, low oxygen levels, infections, reactions to medication and about a million and other medical conditions often behave combatively. They are disorientated, frightened and can lash out or be verbally aggressive. As I explained above, even a minor stress can tip someone with a medical problem from just coping to not coping, and lead to them behaving in this way.

It is perfectly possible that the OP's DP's behaviour was due to a medical condition of this sort. It's also perfectly possible that he was in full control of his actions, and only felt faint afterwards, as a result of realising how badly he had behaved. None of us knows. But anyone saying that his behaviour definitely isn't medical, or that it's minimising abuse to suggest this might be medical, is talking out of their arse.

@Coffeetableconundrum

Sorry, to clarify re: tickling - I poked him in the side twice, that’s all I meant by that. He does not like to be tickled and we have spoken about it in the past; I have taken that on board and do not do it anymore. *@WINKINGatyourage* - he came round so quickly and seemed fine. I got him a glass of water and he sat on the floor until he felt better. Then he left for his place, which is less than a 5 minute walk away.

So you know he doesn’t like being tickled and you’ve spoken about it in the past and yet you poked him. All sounds a bit immature to be honest.

Use your instinct when it comes to his reaction. If it feels like this is an aggressive or violent streak then that’s a red flag.

On the other hand. Being tickled or poked by someone who thinks it’s funny and doesn’t give a shit that you’ve asked them not to is horrible. I endured a lot of this growing up (usually accompanied by being verbally teased) and if I experienced this again the least the person would get is me grabbing their wrists and telling them firmly to fuck off.

@BorderlineHappy

I think the women that have responded with it doesn't seem right have prob experienced similar with men.

Or maybe just maybe we like to make up our own minds.

From what i have read,the op is at fault.She has to take some responsability.

And the people bringing size in to.That would mean that theres no female abusers.Cause you know men being bigger and stronger.
Which of course its bollocks.It just suits the narrative to paint all men abusive.
Plus the op is changing her story,why do that.

Not what I said at all.

If he didn't like the tickling, he walks away.
Not become aggressive.
You can't make your minds up without being there.
This is all speculation.
I'm saying that men do use this as a tactic.
That's all. And to be careful.

@Boltonb Even if you believe that the OP caused the situation it is no excuse for him grabbing her by the wrists and asking her the same question, over and over. From the OP’s post he seemed more focussed on the question being answered than to stop her poking/tickling.

@Cadent I have RTFT,

Sorry, to clarify re: tickling - I poked him in the side twice, that’s all I meant by that. He does not like to be tickled and we have spoken about it in the past; I have taken that on board and do not do it anymore.

So rather than tickling she poked him in the side. Knowing full well he doesnt like it. And the op story keeps changing when people dont agree with her.

So maybe you reread the op post and you can see that.

*some men.