I need help processing wtf just happened

[Coffeetableconundrum]

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

@fastwigglylines

But she’s to blame.

Right. So if you do something that annoys me, I have the right to make you feel scared for your safety, do I, Boltonb?

If I was bigger than you and I grabbed your arms and shouted repeatedly in your face to the point you felt scared of me, you'd say that was OK, would you?

JFC where are all these apologists for male violence coming from?

Exactly The only way he could defend himself was to grab her wrists? You walk away.

@Coffeetableconundrum

He does have a history of depression (as do I) and has also had panic attacks in the past; I’ve witnessed one. He currently takes anti-depressant medication. What set this all off was so minor... I made a joke about him having been ‘bad’ recently, having sent a message to someone online that I thought was a bit cheeky/rude. He kept demanding to know if I’d told my parents about it (which I hadn’t, why would I?) I kept joking around saying ‘Maybe I did... if you don’t want them to know, does that mean you accept you were a bit rude?’ He just kept asking me ‘Have you told them? Have you?’ until it suddenly felt serious and scary and I said ‘No, of course not, why would I?’ Nothing like this has ever happened before. I can’t stop crying.

You teased him (I really want to say goaded him) he couldn't cope with it and you took it too far. You wouldn't answer him (obviously otherwise he wouldn't have asked over and over) and he became agitated and lashed out. It sounds like he literally had a panic attack and you told him to leave the house. FFS OP. Yes, he was wrong but Jesus OP.

You can't make your minds up without being there.
Exactly

This is all speculation
Exactly.

Nobody but the op and her dp knows what went on.

OP knows her relationship, she’s been in it for 3 years. Obviously they normally have a joke together in this way or she wouldn’t be surprised that he’d reacted like this. Fair enough if you knew your DP was a very serious individual who did not like being teased at all (still wouldn’t warrant this reaction though!) but I assume OP and her DP are like this?

And for the PP who said OP was being goady because she was ‘withholding food’ - she jokingly said ‘maybe I shouldn’t let you have a piece of chocolate’ whilst laughing! Are we seriously equating that to denying somebody food...

[quote Coffeetableconundrum]@whenthestarsgoblue to be clear, there was no playfighting. We were lying on the sofa cuddling and watching Netflix. We were chatting. I made the joke about being bad, he played along, I poked him in the side, he grabbed my wrists and kept saying the same thing again and again, it went from there.[/quote]
Well that's the edited version. What you described upthread is more accurate.

@Walkaround

People who have experience of abuse have concluded it is abuse; people who have experience of medical conditions have concluded it is possibly a medical condition and needs checking out. General conclusion: it could be either, or both, but after 3 solid years of loving, gentle behaviour, and previous indications of a possible health condition, the man deserves some leeway until he has sought medical advice, which is what the OP is giving him. The OP should also reconsider whether it comes across as harmless, loving, laugh-worthy behaviour to poke someone in the ribs and tell them they have behaved badly, especially when they have already had this conversation at the time of the sending of the message and he has admitted earlier that he had not behaved brilliantly and the OP had already made clear she didn’t approve of it, so he is hardly likely to find it particularly amusing to have it brought up again “in jest.” There was absolutely nothing whatsoever funny about any of it, so laughing at the man, poking him and calling him badly behaved was never, ever funny and in all honesty, albeit she was laughing while doing it, I don’t think the OP genuinely thought she was actually ever being funny, either, I think she was wanting to get him to agree he was in the wrong.

I agree entirely with this.

Great that he's going to the doctor but how can he describe what happened so he gets urgent help???
FFS, his consciousness was suddenly affected, he had repetitive speech, confusion and he behaved out of character, he was cold and clammy - all signs he at least needs some medical investigations done urgently.
OP you need to speak to his doctor and tell them what you observed. He is probably suffering a treatable condition but without treatment the prognosis could be tragic!

OP you need to speak to his doctor and tell them what you observed. He is probably suffering a treatable condition but without treatment the prognosis could be tragic!

This didn't happen out of the blue. I doubt the OP will explain to the Dr. what led up to him having what sounds like a huge panic attack.

As someone who has absences, you don't fall to the floor. You just stare blankly at the other person for two - four seconds. Having an absence doesn't mean you'll fall to the floor. They are two entirely different types of epilepsy. I don't know as I wasn't there but as someone who has both clonic seizures and absences it doesn't sound like that. Doesn't mean it couldn't be medical though and I'm staggered he collapsed and you asked him to go home on his own. Im really struggling to work out what happened to give impartial advice. Either you said something that triggered him, or he reacted badly to a joke. It sounds like you both need to grow up a bit and maybe talk it through, but if you did feel frightened then that isn't ok either. Also as someone who physically loathes being ticked, being poked in the ribs would set me off. You know he doesn't like being ticked but you still did it. He shouldn't have grabbed your wrists and became intense. Sounds like maybe you were both in the wrong in some aspects. Maybe give yourself time to calm down and approach it with him then and go from there on whether you want to be together. Also going on about something he posted wasn't on either. Your not his mother and bringing it up once was fine, twice seems a bit goady. If this advice seems all over it's only because I'm struggling to work out what actually happened OP but hopefully you'll get it sorted

OP it sounds as though you were winding him up and you didn't pick up on his cues that he was getting stressed and angry. If he had been a dick to someone else online chances are he did that because he was stressed and angry, and you then prodding him as though you were prodding a snake... He flipped his lid, he grabbed your wrists and asked the same question over and over. You could have realised well beyond this that he was not enjoying your joke and stopped.

So I think your takeaway here is that you were winding someone up and (?) enjoying winding someone up and you didn't know when to stop and didn't read his social cues that he was about to flip his lid. Even if other people wouldn't flip, many people wouldn't want to hang out with someone winds other people up on purpose and/or can't read social cues so that is something to think about.

It sounds as though he has some issues from his past and you might have triggered him. If that is right, you both need to do some work on things, and you probably aren't suited?

Maybe he is an abusive person who had a medical episode at the same time. Or had a medical incident and chose to use it to be violent. Or maybe it is one and not the other. Gut feeling.

FFS, his consciousness was affected!!!!
Does no one recognise this as a medical 'red flag'????
He wasn't making informed choices - his consciousness was fading to the point of collapse!
It might be something easily treated or it could be an opportunity for doctors to prevent a stroke!

I have been with my husband for 18 years. We have had all kinds of arguments and lots of shouting during that time. I have been extremely annoying at some points during that time no doubt. But I have NEVER felt physically frightened during that time. OP i would not want to gloss over that physical fear you felt. It’s not “nothing”, you felt that, don’t ignore it. Your update sounds quite sensible.

No, not necessarily. Violence is something that can manifest after a long time. My friend was violently assaulted by the father of her DC after nearly 20 years together. He was arrested and they're now divorced.

Interesting. Maybe he didn't like his wife anymore and flipped although it's a bad excuse to be violent.

WTAF is going on with this thread?

Who knows how significant the actual dissing of someone on line was to this situation.

I don't know many parents who would be remotely interesed in his online activity unless it affected them directly or someone they knew.
Only you know that op.

But I sense you are trying to minimise the actual facts of what led up to his outburst, you were provoking him physically and emotionally, you didn't pick up the cues to stop.

That to me is someone who is not too socially aware, lacking in empathy and has a habit of turning round and saying "whats up can't you take a joke ?"

Yeah, OP, I'm not ruling out that this could have been abusive behaviour on his part, although its third on my list behind physical illness and trauma, but what you were doing was really pass-agg and invasive, and anyone would have been wound up. The poking, the threatening to tell your parents, the framing it as "being bad" and not letting it drop, all for an issue that really had nothing to do with you when he was arsey with someone else online? However this ends up, don't do that to someone else again.

@prawncocktailpringles

WTAF is going on with this thread?

Thinking the same

I would also love to know what he posted. Because whatever it is was clearly niggling you to the extent that you raised it later (albeit in an indirect way). So the first sign of him acting out of character wasn't this incident but the way he treated a stranger on an anonymous forum. I wonder what he said.

Look, even if it is medical, you don't have to stay with him. You can end a relationship for any reason.

But yes, it sounds medical and he really should go to a GP asap. If if ever happens again, GO TO A WALK IN CENTRE IMMEDIATELY.

@Walkaround

People who have experience of abuse have concluded it is abuse; people who have experience of medical conditions have concluded it is possibly a medical condition and needs checking out. General conclusion: it could be either, or both, but after 3 solid years of loving, gentle behaviour, and previous indications of a possible health condition, the man deserves some leeway until he has sought medical advice, which is what the OP is giving him. The OP should also reconsider whether it comes across as harmless, loving, laugh-worthy behaviour to poke someone in the ribs and tell them they have behaved badly, especially when they have already had this conversation at the time of the sending of the message and he has admitted earlier that he had not behaved brilliantly and the OP had already made clear she didn’t approve of it, so he is hardly likely to find it particularly amusing to have it brought up again “in jest.” There was absolutely nothing whatsoever funny about any of it, so laughing at the man, poking him and calling him badly behaved was never, ever funny and in all honesty, albeit she was laughing while doing it, I don’t think the OP genuinely thought she was actually ever being funny, either, I think she was wanting to get him to agree he was in the wrong.

This is exactly what I wanted to say and put very much better than I ever could! @Walkaround

Who actually has ever had a conversation with their partners about not liking being tickled, it obviously is an occurance that happens quite often for him to broach the subject.

He lost his temper as you havn't taken his requests seriously, his reaction sounds disproportionate to the situation, but I suppose now you know, he finds it annoying.

Maybe you are not compatible, he may find your behaviour immature.
If he has never acted in this way, it could indicate his patience is wearing thin.
Tell him to get a health check, whether he used it as an excuse is worrying, but if you say he definetely passed out then he needs this investigating.

I’d be very wary indeed of stating with certainty that the OP caused this. Mainly because as others have pointed out, nothing excuses aggression and causing fear in return. But also because there is just no way of any of us knowing where OP sits on the spectrum of harmful-messing-about through being an irritating tit all the way on to intentionally nasty and goading behaviour. We don’t know how they usually joke and interact. We don’t know what’s really going on with the tickling thing. We know nothing really about the forum post argument that set all of this off. He might have done nothing wrong. Or maybe she got a glimpse of something nasty.

We don’t know. OP herself isn’t clear on what this is all about.

And yet some posters have not a doubt in their minds that the OP was behaving very badly (even abusively) and the poor DP simply reacted uncontrollably. It’s supposition.

The poster saying DP was ‘terrorised’ (not stated by the op) and gleefully saying that the OP now knows that poking isn’t ok should be ashamed. What if she hasn’t learnt and playfully nudges him on the shoulder or something in future? Would more aggression be the answer? Maybe fists next time?

I say be wary because although the op in this case seems to be clued up, others may not be. I worry about someone in a more vulnerable situation being told on here that they are the abuser when in actual fact their partner is the aggressor.

I also think it’s the right thing to get someone out of your home if they’ve made you afraid. Again, chiding op for this is assuming this guy is no threat. Her instincts weren’t so sure.

Well, I had a no-tickling chat with a previous boyfriend. I was very young, immature and silly and thought it was hilarious that he was so sensitive.

He managed to get the message across without frightening me!

I'm rather confused by this thread, and I've no idea how I feel about the situation to be honest. I do feel like there's more to this.