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Original poster

I need help processing wtf just happened

462 replies

Coffeetableconundrum · 26/01/2021 20:39

NC for this, I’m so confused and bewildered.
My wonderful, loving, perfect DP of 3 years and I just got into what I thought was a silly joke argument about something tiny. I was laughing away, and tickling him, and next thing he was holding on really tight to my wrists and asking me the same question again and again. Suddenly I was afraid, and stopped laughing and told him he was frightening me and answered his question.
He immediately started to apologise and told me he didn’t know why he’d got so worked up and he should have just explained he hadn’t found it funny, etc etc. I couldn’t stop crying and told him I didn’t understand what had just happened. He kept asking me to forgive him and then said he thought he was about to pass about, before collapsing on the floor. He was pale and clammy, and out of it for about 10 seconds. I’ve never seen that happen before.
When he came to and felt a bit better I asked him to leave, which he did without any problems, apologising again and saying he didn’t understand why he had reacted in the way he had and asking to speak to me tomorrow.
I have no idea what to think. I can’t reconcile the loving, supportive person who feels like home with what just happened. It came out of no-where. But I was genuinely afraid. Is that how it starts?
Please please please can I have a handhold.

OP posts:
gutful · 28/01/2021 07:20

@SeahorseoramI hard to say, as the OP has changed her story several times Hmm

gannett · 28/01/2021 08:03

Absolutely bizarre thread. Pages and pages of posters hurling really quite nasty accusations at both parties, completely ignoring the occasional voice who pops up to say they've had or seen identical experiences that turned out to be diabetes or another medical issue.

OP's partner, who has a history of panic attacks, passed out and she's firm that he couldn't have faked it, so to insist that he was and that this episode was about his violent behaviour is vile.

OP maybe could have handled a couple of things better but it's unfair to blame some playful prodding for his passing out, and she was obviously in shock afterwards and neither of them thought it could be a serious medical emergency.

OP I hope your partner sees a GP very quickly, gets good medical treatment and this can all be managed easily.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 28/01/2021 08:27

Poking in the side IS tickling, and it is gaslighting to say “I’m not tickling you, I’m just poking you in the ribs repeatedly” If the genders were reversed, people would unanimously agree that poking in the ribs IS tickling

I have had a partner say and do exactly this to me. "Oh, it's not tickling". It's horrible.
If you are sensitive in the abdomen area, doesn't matter whether it's a "tickle" or a "poke". In fact pokes are worse. They're like electric shocks.
If someone does it to me I flinch as a reaction and there's a good chance someone will get an involuntary elbow in the eye.
If a partner "poked me playfully" in the ribs and thought my reaction was funny, they wouldn't be doing it a second time.

Otter71 · 28/01/2021 08:34

Is he OK? I am in nurse mode here but no matter how upset I was I would have at least checked OBS including blood sugar here. But then I guess I have also been nearer your partner's position. My ex husband never hit me but tickling me for ages despite repeated requests to stop was his regular form of torture. He couldn't get that laughing was an automatic response and it didn't mean I enjoyed it but did eventually stop when the kids told him to because they had worked out how long I would be in a bad place after... M

Silenceisgolden20 · 28/01/2021 08:36

Does anyone know how to report and delete a thread?
This is absolutely disgusting how this thread is going.
Pure attack on the OP

trevthecat · 28/01/2021 09:33

Can't believe some of the replies on here. The op has continually said the first post was rushed and has given updates. It does seem there is something medical gone on. As pp have said maybe diabetes. Hope you and him are okay.

Iamdobby63 · 28/01/2021 10:21

@Silenceisgolden20

Does anyone know how to report and delete a thread? This is absolutely disgusting how this thread is going. Pure attack on the OP
I agree
Iamdobby63 · 28/01/2021 10:25

I’ve just reported it. Hopefully it will be taken down as it does give out the wrong message.

Boltonb · 28/01/2021 10:52

It gives out the message that women can be at fault too. Yes, delete before anyone contemplates that women may ALSO be responsible for bad behaviour in relationships. Quick!!!

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 28/01/2021 10:57

Her 'updates' were changes in her story.

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 28/01/2021 10:59

@Boltonb

It gives out the message that women can be at fault too. Yes, delete before anyone contemplates that women may ALSO be responsible for bad behaviour in relationships. Quick!!!
This!! Heaven forbid women are ever accused of treating men appallingly.
AliasGrape · 28/01/2021 12:26

Fucking hell.

Yes if course women can be at fault. Yes of course hed be in his rights to tell her to stop if he didn't like it.

He didn't, he grabbed her wrists and scared her.

Now maybe it was a medical reason, in which case its worrying for him but the fact of the matter is OP felt unsafe and asked for HELP. Not a fucking character assassination.

It might have been medical/ PTSD- either way he needs to get to the bottom of it.

It might have been a nasty/ aggressive side to him being shown for the first time. It's perfectly possible. Many many men are nasty, aggressive and abusive. Far more so than women, whatever you want to argue about us all being manhaters. Is it 2 women a week killed by a partner or former partner in the UK?

Now we can't from this story say categorically he's an arsehole or abusive. It might be a one off and it might have another explanation. But when a woman reports being physically restrained by her partner and scared do those posters so keen to defend the man and make it the woman's fault ever stop to think? Think that they might just be wrong, that this could be the start of something more sinister and you've just prevented that person from reaching out again, you've told them it's their fault and they won't be believed anyway? Or that someone else reading whose partner gets a bit physical with them in ways they don't like, and they're questioning whether its actually wrong and see posts like that and it makes them doubt themselves and blame themselves.

How can you say it's ok to grab someone's wrists really tight and bark questions at them in an intimidating manner? How can you read that and think 'well it's your fault for teasing him' or whatever justification you have? I get thinking it could be medical- fair enough, but to immediately poke holes at the OP and begin a complete character assassination is fucking bizarre. You better hope you're right and the OP is actually an awful witch because the alternative is that an upset, scared and confused woman has been completely bullied and potentially made to feel she has to accept something that isn't actually acceptable. But hey, at least you've made your point that 'women can be wrong too' so that's good.

Boltonb · 28/01/2021 13:00

@AliasGrape or said “upset, scared and confused woman” will self reflect and see that gaslighting is abusive, whatever gender it is from and directed to.

I would physically restrain (if I could) and shout at anyone who was repeatedly tickling me when we’d already had serious conversations about how triggering I found it. If someone was sitting there poking me in the sides saying “but I’m not tickling you” I’d lose my fucking temper too.

AliasGrape · 28/01/2021 13:13

repeatedly tickling me when we’d already had serious conversations about how triggering I found it. If someone was sitting there poking me in the sides saying “but I’m not tickling you” I’d lose my fucking temper too

Except that didn’t happen did it? Nowhere did she say she’d done that? She said tickling and then changed it to sort of poking twice - ok if some people have an issue with changing but I can accept that the op was upset and not totally clear. There is absolutely nothing to say she repeatedly tickled him or poked him whilst saying ‘I’m not tickling you’. Everyone has just decided she must have been doing that because that makes it easier to blame her I guess?

Whitecup4 · 28/01/2021 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IamAporcupine · 28/01/2021 13:46

To me what is fucking bizarre is that some people think that going pale, clammy and drenched in cold sweat can be faked?!
I can't get past that

OP - hope you are well

Silenceisgolden20 · 28/01/2021 13:52

I've reported this thread twice now.

I hope they close it.

Iamdobby63 · 28/01/2021 13:59

@IamAporcupine

To me what is fucking bizarre is that some people think that going pale, clammy and drenched in cold sweat can be faked?! I can't get past that

OP - hope you are well

As far as I can see the OP only mentioned ‘pale and clammy’, please direct me to the update that added ‘drenched with sweat.

As far as we know there have been no other health concerns so it’s possible he had a panic attack when he realised what he had just done.

No one has said women do no wrong, but I’m stunned that people believe his over reaction and being more concerned with her answering his question is acceptable and actually completely her fault and that she is an abusive person.

Iamdobby63 · 28/01/2021 14:05

@Silenceisgolden20 Apologies, I have found the reference to sweat. I still stand by everything else.

MrsHusky · 28/01/2021 14:09

she's said she's of no doubt that he didnt fake passing out.

but people seem convinced that she's lying.. but we have to believe everything else she's said.. even though she's changed her story 3 times now...

yeah, right.

yes holding her wrists and scaring her was absolutely 100% not ok, and he's apologised, repeatedly and profusely for doing it.

But the OP also needs to hold her hands up and admit that her own actions weren't without reproach either.

Getting the thread deleted because you dont agree with the general consensus, and calling us all victim blamers is reprehensible behaviour.

Grabbing wrists/scaring her = 100% NOT OK.

Thats not in any way equal to painting him as a degusting abusive monster and her as some kind of innocent angel.

Silenceisgolden20 · 28/01/2021 14:15

Getting the thread deleted because it has become a vicious burn the witch thread.

@lamdobby63 I'm not the correct person you are referring to.

Viviennemary · 28/01/2021 14:17

This reply has been deleted

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Iamdobby63 · 28/01/2021 14:20

@Silenceisgolden20

Getting the thread deleted because it has become a vicious burn the witch thread.

@lamdobby63 I'm not the correct person you are referring to.

Stupid jumpy device... was meant for @IamAporcupine
Seasaltyhair · 28/01/2021 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - quotes a deleted post.

Cadent · 28/01/2021 14:23

I second getting this deleted, @MNHQ it’s a vicious thread. I hope OP is ok.