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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I may need to choose between ds and dh....

296 replies

Dickorydockwhatthe · 25/01/2021 19:57

I've put many threads on mumsnet about their relationship. Dh and massively ds clash and this has worsened as ds has got older. It has led to some awful rows with me in the middle and even telling dh he's pushing his son away and I may have to choose. Dh is very authoritarian as a parent and doesn't know when to choose his battles which has resulted in ds 16 rebellion, lashing out, having no respect for dh and now wanting to go into Foster care. I've spoken to dh many a times and he's tried but it goes back to how it was. Now ds is 16 and rebelling his authoritarian approach is having no effect because he's so accustomed to dh shouting or getting annoyed nothing works. I feel like I've failed ds massively as he's so anti dh right now and I think I've let him down😔. Dh is a good man in many ways and a good husband. But for some reason he thinks kids should do as they are told and be respectful and ds isn't like that. Ds 2 on the hand is completely different. School are now involved and we are planning to have a family conference for meditation. Ds has expressed he wants to leave. I've looked into leaving dh not because I don't love him but because of the toxic relationship between him and ds. But coming from a broken home myself I felt we could try and work on it as we are a family and ultimately we love each other very much. But I've let ds down and now I may lose him. If I leave dh we have no where to live, I can't afford the mortgage on my own as only work part time and my pay isn't great. I'm financially dependent on dh and have no idea where I stand with raising two children alone. I just feel like this is going to break out family apart and have no idea what to do 🙁

OP posts:
Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 25/01/2021 20:04

I love my ds very much and also worried how his relationship with his father will effect him and whether it can ever be saved as. I know deep down they love each other. However there is no denying ds dislikes dh but I also feel that having got in with a group some of which his friends are in care he thinks he will have a cushier life in social care.

The battles we've been having recently have been with regard to him meeting groups of people, going awol and not doing school work. However the way dh approaches it isn't always the best waywhich leads to rows and the fact their relationship is already fractured just means its escalated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 25/01/2021 20:22

Please could really do with some advice and support right now 😔

OP posts:
Canigoonroblox · 25/01/2021 20:26

I don’t want to read this and not reply, the thing that sticks out in this, for me, is how much you are talking about how you can’t fix it. Does your husband accept he has a responsibility for his relationship with your son as well as you do?
To story struck a chord with me, my husband struggles with our oldest son and I have spent a lot of time caught in the middle, mediating and trying to sort it for them.

Canigoonroblox · 25/01/2021 20:27

I’m sorry that wasn’t much help but I really feel for you.

poppyzbrite4 · 25/01/2021 20:27

You say you've put many threads about this on MN, what advice were you given before?

When you say the school is involved, why? Is it because he is acting out at school or is it because he's spoken to the school about being unhappy?

I assume you and your DH have had a conversation about this, what's the plan going forward and what support do you have?

Clymene · 25/01/2021 20:27

Is there any sense that your husband recognises he bears some responsibility for his poor relationship with your son?

He sounds like a bully I'm afraid and your son is old enough to decide whether he wants to live with you.

How long has this been going on?

floopidy · 25/01/2021 20:27

Should your DH not be authoritarian?

ThePricklySheep · 25/01/2021 20:28

Can you give us an example of your DH’s authoritarian behaviour? It’s hard for me to imagine an exact situation.

mydinneristasty · 25/01/2021 20:28

However bad things are at home for your son they will be even worse in foster care. Also, l am doubtful whether social services would enable this move. They only accommodate children when there is a massive degree of risk. Also, your son is almost an adult so the care options are even more limited.
Your situation seems very difficult but l think you and your husband need to to whatever you can to keep your son at home.

bigbird1969 · 25/01/2021 20:29

i remember your previous threads. The situation has got worse as your DS has got older. You say your DH thinks kids should be respectful and do what there told. However from previous threads your DH is a shouting , aggressive bully and screams at his DC, trying to be the 'gorilla' in the house as he has to be seen as the alpha male. Your DH should be ashamed that his DS wants to go to foster care rather than staying at home with him. You cant fix this, your DH needs to seek some help to repair his relationship with his DS

LochJessMonster · 25/01/2021 20:29

Not much advice but for some reason he thinks kids should do as they are told and be respectful and ds isn't like that him meeting groups of people, going awol and not doing school work sounds like your DS is the problem, not your DH. Especially as you don’t have the same problem with your other son.

BlueThistles · 25/01/2021 20:30

what causes the clashes OP ?

what is the triggers in the home...

ie what is your Son not doing that his Father thinks he should be doing etc .. its not clear in your post ..

🌺

Unicornamy · 25/01/2021 20:30

Have you asked if they can both have some form of counseling?

floopidy · 25/01/2021 20:30

@LochJessMonster

Not much advice but for some reason he thinks kids should do as they are told and be respectful and ds isn't like that him meeting groups of people, going awol and not doing school work sounds like your DS is the problem, not your DH. Especially as you don’t have the same problem with your other son.
Yeah im with you on that.

You need to stick by your DH and let him discipline...

BlueThistles · 25/01/2021 20:31

aahh ok I see the issues ... ignore my post OP 🌺

fruitypancake · 25/01/2021 20:32

I think you should seek professional help, there are counsellors who specialise in family relationships and will help you and dh to work together to fix things. I think the biggest thing that needs to happen is for dh to explain to ds that despite all he loves him

bigbird1969 · 25/01/2021 20:34

The younger son isnt an issue 'yet' although he is likely passive after witnessing his fathers behaviour to his older brother. He probably lives with heightened anxiety. Sounds awful for both boys

Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 25/01/2021 20:35

The fact he thinks kids should do as they are told, almost nit picking about little things. Shouting when ds doesn't do as he's asked straight away. It's little things in the past and dhs reaction that have damaged the relationship. And now ds is older he's squaring up to dh and I'm worried things will get violent. Ds has spoken to school about his relationship with his dad before he said dh hit him to a friend (he didn't) but school obviously rang me. He's also been getting in trouble, going awol and blaming it on dh relationship. He's told school he wants to go into care. School are now involved.

OP posts:
Terminallysleepdeprived · 25/01/2021 20:37

@Dickorydockwhatthe I was the child in this situation, many years ago. I am sorry but you need to leave your dh. And then you need to pray like hell that you can mens your relationship with your ds.

I am not trying to be mean I promise, but my dad was exactly like your dh and worse as he was emotionally abusive and violent as well. It went on from as early as I cam remember, maybe me being 4 until well into my 20's. Whilst I have an OK relationship now it has taken a further 15-20 years to get to a point where I cam be in a room with my dad. And I can never forgive my mum for standing by and letting it happen or for staying with my dad time after time.

I am begging you to stop trying to balance both of them, you need to protect your ds because by your own comments in your post you haven't done that so far. Arguing with your dh but remaining there whilst he brow beats and abuses your son to the point your son has no respect for him and is rebelling is not protecting him, it is protecting your dh. If school are involved there is a good chance that they will involve social services and you will have some pretty difficult questions to answer.

Please minimise that risk by protecting your son and either taking them both and moving out or kick your abusive dh out. Like it or not that is what he is. Abusive to a child.

Sorry I know this is what you want to read but please please protect your kids and pray it is not too late.

Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 25/01/2021 20:41

Ds recent behaviour has been out of line. But previous to that he would be telling ds off for not getting changed after school, hanging bag up, not being ready on time. It's almost he would ask once then be shouting the next. It's the tone and manner. Thank for the replies it's hard to explain. My minds frazzled and I'm so scared of losing my son. Ds and dh argued over him not doing his school work and dh smashed his lap top, dh took his phone off him and he went awol Saturday we had to track him down Sunday. This morning he was fine and cuddly until he asked for his phone and dh said no. Next thing he's smashing pictures and ringing school to go into care.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 25/01/2021 20:43

**meant ds smashed lap top not dh

OP posts:
MegtheShark · 25/01/2021 20:43

Going to need examples before I weigh in here op.

Because being an authoritative parent is not a negative. I was raised that way and I’m raising my dc that way.

There is never screaming or physical punishment of any sort BUT there are some basic red line rules and the dc must follow them. Manners, kindness, no violence or swearing, never putting someone else or yourself in danger, appropriate ways of dealing with anger etc.

Battles are chosen carefully and punishment discussed before, during and after. My older nephew says my low disappointed voice (very rarely used) was terrifying Grin

But if your husband is screaming, bullying, punishing constantly for every little thing and for very normal dc behaviour (noise, bit of cheekiness, spirit etc.) or even worse physically punishing them then I agree you should have left. I don’t see that as ‘authoritative’, I see it as abuse and crushing of dc’s spirits.

BlueThistles · 25/01/2021 20:45

Destroying and smashing up things is now his new normal ... violent behaviour .. the boundary has been crossed..

what is the next one to be broken ... will he assault You his Father it his sibling ?

you need help and fast because this has escalated 🌺

Terminallysleepdeprived · 25/01/2021 20:46

@Dickorydockwhatthe please please...stop excusing your dh's behavior. Smashed up your son laptop...that's not normal behaviour. That is massively out of control anger. What if next time it is ds he smashes his fists into instead of a laptop?

You are saying ds has taken to smashing things...well he appears to be copying his dad doesn't he.

You need to see this for what it is. Abuse.

Please make him leave and protect your sons. Now. Before it is too late!

evenBetter · 25/01/2021 20:47

What a disgusting environment to make your kids endure. Violent scumbag male produces damaged, angry young man. And on, and on. What advice have you been given on all your previous threads?? What are you hoping will be different about this one?