Think I may need to choose between ds and dh....

[Dickorydockwhatthe]

I've put many threads on mumsnet about their relationship. Dh and massively ds clash and this has worsened as ds has got older. It has led to some awful rows with me in the middle and even telling dh he's pushing his son away and I may have to choose. Dh is very authoritarian as a parent and doesn't know when to choose his battles which has resulted in ds 16 rebellion, lashing out, having no respect for dh and now wanting to go into Foster care. I've spoken to dh many a times and he's tried but it goes back to how it was. Now ds is 16 and rebelling his authoritarian approach is having no effect because he's so accustomed to dh shouting or getting annoyed nothing works. I feel like I've failed ds massively as he's so anti dh right now and I think I've let him down😔. Dh is a good man in many ways and a good husband. But for some reason he thinks kids should do as they are told and be respectful and ds isn't like that. Ds 2 on the hand is completely different. School are now involved and we are planning to have a family conference for meditation. Ds has expressed he wants to leave. I've looked into leaving dh not because I don't love him but because of the toxic relationship between him and ds. But coming from a broken home myself I felt we could try and work on it as we are a family and ultimately we love each other very much. But I've let ds down and now I may lose him. If I leave dh we have no where to live, I can't afford the mortgage on my own as only work part time and my pay isn't great. I'm financially dependent on dh and have no idea where I stand with raising two children alone. I just feel like this is going to break out family apart and have no idea what to do 🙁

Your DH is a bully and you ds has now widen up to it.

I’m not sure how you can have any respect to an adult that has no control over themselves and thinks it’s ok to bully a child just because they are smaller (of course, now that said child is just as big, it doesn’t work.... surprise surprise).

FWIW I wouod be worried that you have also lost any respect your ds could have for you too.
He isn’t asking to live with just you, or not to see his dad again. He is asking to go into foster care. To go away from BOTH of you.
You have delayed making that decision. It sounds like your ds is now making it.

So your DS didn’t do his school work, smashed up his laptop and then went AWOL.
And apparently people think your DH is the problem??

@Terminallysleepdeprived I believe the op corrected to say that ds had smashed his laptop when questioned about school work, to the DH.

Though I agree from the little description we have had the DH is less authoritative and more ‘bully’.

And please don’t have a go at your ds saying his behaviour is unacceptable when his FATHER has done even worse and very clearly showed him how to behave as an adult man, aka by smashing things.

You can’t a your ds to behave perfectly, to stay calm, not go AWOL or destroy things when his dad is clearly unable to behave in that way AS AN ADULT.

How do you discipline your DS? Do you ever back DH up or do you not get involved? I am only asking because I am probably more like your DH in terms of losing my rag but that was only because DH never backed me. He's changed now and things are easier.

It was DS who smashed the laptop BTW not DH.

That’s not what the OP said. In her last post, she clearly states that it’s the DH who smashed the laptop....

Sorry missed the update about it being da who smashed the laptop. But he learnt that behaviour somewhere, he learnt to lash out as a way to manage his anger.

And as above, he isn't asking to live with you or another family member, he wants away from you all because in his eyes none of you are protecting him

Normally I would say that I would always "pick" my child, but I feel there is a lot more to this.

There is supported living in my area for kids in care or unable to live at home for any reason. It's for 16-21 year olds, and it's horrible. My friend stayed there in her late teens, and was sharing accommodation with drug addicts and violent teens. It was horrible, and honestly, I think your son would have a massive wake up call in council care at his age.

The thing is, your ds has no control over his life at the moment, hence smashing things. He has no other recourse, apart from giving up. I have always thought that when the government changed the law so that 16 year olds could not just leave education and become financially independent and therefore leave home, that it would cause a problem for some 16 year olds. Some need to leave home because they do start squaring up to their parents, particularly where those parents are a bit 'authoritative'. Girls as well as boys.

I'm not sure what the answer here is, but what I can say is that I have seen a lot of badly behaved children and once you know the backstory, there is almost always a problem with the parent(s).

Your dh needs to sort himself out, and then you will see that your ds will follow suit.

[quote Terminallysleepdeprived]@Dickorydockwhatthe please please...stop excusing your dh's behavior. Smashed up your son laptop...that's not normal behaviour. That is massively out of control anger. What if next time it is ds he smashes his fists into instead of a laptop?

You are saying ds has taken to smashing things...well he appears to be copying his dad doesn't he.

You need to see this for what it is. Abuse.

Please make him leave and protect your sons. Now. Before it is too late![/quote]
I wrote that wrong ds smashed his laptop not dh. Dh then took ds phone off him. Dh loves ds1 very much but for some reason he just couldn't choose his battles.

@TonMoulin the op said ‘*meant ds smashed lap top not DH’ shortly after the post about the laptop.

I don’t think there is ever any need to act like this @Twinkie01. And I’ve done my fair share of shouting too.

But if you arrive at the point where you have driven your child away so much they want to go in foster care, then it’s you, the ADULT, that for it wrong.

Does you DH accept he is anyway accountable?

@LochJessMonster it was the DH that smashed the laptop not the DS.

Ds and dh argued over him not doing his school work and dh smashed his lap top

One of the last post from the OP.

The confusion doesn’t help....

@LochJessMonster apologies it was me that got that wrong.

@Terminallysleepdeprived

Sorry missed the update about it being da who smashed the laptop. But he learnt that behaviour somewhere, he learnt to lash out as a way to manage his anger.

And as above, he isn't asking to live with you or another family member, he wants away from you all because in his eyes none of you are protecting him

He can't live with other family members due to covid. His GPS are old and he is not sticking to covid rules which has been a cause of arguments. Dh has not been violent towards him.

@dickorydockwhatthe no he doesn't, not if he is bullying him to that extent. Please read my post properly. I was your ds, please listen to me.

@TonMoulin the post you quote did at 20.41. Directly after it, at 20.43 is when op posts and corrects it.

Would your DH agree to family therapy? Do you think DS would do it? You should be able to find someone offering it remotely at the moment.

I think you and dh would probably benefit from a parenting course.

Is he year 11? What’s his plan for year 12?

Shouting is violence. Please stop making excuses for your bully of a dh. You need to protect your kids.

Wtf is it about these men that make women excuse their every move and put them above their kids.

@Dickorydockwhatthe, nothing to do with ‘ hosing his battles’.

You now have a ds who has no computer to do his school work. And no phone to access at least some of the stuff (like many do atm because they don’t access to a computer....)
Having an argument nd been unable to step down and stop when you see the other person is getting so worked up isn’t normal. Do you really think your DH EVER acts in this way when he is at work?
Your ds is now close to be an adult. It’s time to start treating him as such. Md for your DH to start acting like an adult who can control himself.

Sorry messaging fast that typo hasn't helped. Ds smashed it Not dh.

Violence isn’t just physical violence.

And not hitting his son is not making him the best after in the world....