Does your DP contribute to household bills

[NC19012021]

Have name changed for this as do not want my previous threads discussing similar topics to be taken into account when answering.

My query is this, if you are a single parent/person whose DP does not live with you but stays 3 to 4 nights a week, has lunch, dinner, baths etc do they contribute to your household and food bills?

Thanks in advance

Bump

I'm not in that situation but the answer is yes. Or at least contribute with the shopping.

Have you ever asked him to contribute?

We spend equal time at each other's, each have our own place, so don't contribute to each other's bills. If it were to become one-sided then I'd expect the grocery bills to reflect that.

Basically, wouldn't expect one party to be out of pocket/benefit disproportionately.

I'm not in that position but previously I was and he didn't contribute a cent.

However on reflection he was living off of me, a single mum despite him having a full-time job and I deeply regret allowing that.

I'm in a long term relationship living with a new partner.

If I were ever in that situation again that you speak of, I would want some sort of contribution. Somehow they need to pay their way. If I was the partner id make a contribution whether that be paying the weekly groceries or just giving a portion to cover electricity etc and a portion of rent etc.

is he refusing, or have you not asked?

my answer is very different depending on your answer!

I never stay with mine, he stays here 4 nights a week as he works here, his home is over 200 miles away. I charge him £25 a night, going rate for B&B is £34 so he is getting a discount and dinner thrown in 😊. He offered.

@Palavah thanks a mill for your reply. We do have our own places but as I am a parent and also working from home, have pets to care for we spend the vast majority of time together at my home.

@Ohalrightthen totally understand, just want to get a sense of what others in a similar situation do before explaining my own personal situation. We have had similar talk in the past when I felt I was disproportionately paying for groceries etc and it did improve but I think with lockdown I'm getting a bit peeved with the situation again

@ThisTooShallBe This is fantastic, this must make things so much easier and straightforward for both parties. Really wish my DP would even suggest something along these lines. Fair play for fantastic communication

In that case I'd definitely expect a contribution to groceries (I'd expect him to offer) and to the cost of a cleaner as well. I'd also expect him to be pulling his weight around the house - not waited on but washing up etc.
Does he do his laundry at your place?!

I think it's as much about showing willing as it is about the actual cost.

Not quite in your situation as we split out time between out houses so I buy food for mine and he buys for his. Neither contribute to bills. I know, however, that should we start spending a lot more time in one house the other would contribute more to shopping.

I’ve had 2 DPs ( obvs at separate times) who have stayed at mine regularly rather than us going to theirs and they always contributed to food. One DP did this by buying the shopping say once a month whereas the other would bring over food and wine; probably loosely alternately and was generally quite generous so it always felt fair. They didn’t contribute to bills as they still had their own place to pay for and apart from the extra shower I can’t think what they added to the bills that I wasn’t already paying

Contributions towards food absolutely.....he is running his own house though so perhaps have a chat and see what he could afford.

@user1493413286
Glad you clarified it was at separate times......it could have been 1 DP mon to wed and the other Thursday to Sat.....Sunday is the day of rest of course! :)

Mine stays at mine 4 nights a week. I never go to his. He doesn’t pay anything but gets supper sometimes and helps tidy and clean the kitchen etc. I would never ask him to contribute financially as I have my 2 kids here too so tbh he doesn’t add a lot to the bills. I am out of pocket due to food but I earn more than him so doesn’t worry me. If it did, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask for contribution to food bill though, but not for anything else.

@WB205020 that probably would have been a better arrangement!

Mine contributes when he's here, as I do when we're at his.

I would not expect a contribution to bills seeing as he is running his own place as well, that Mosul mean he is playing for 1.5 sets of household costs and you only 0.5 (or thereabouts).

But I would definitely expect groceries to be shared and him to pull his weight around the house as well.

Before we lived together, dh and I would spend several weeks to a month or two living with each other (long distance relationship, different countries). I never expected him to contribute to bills and I never contributed to his but definitely we would each contribute to food shopping and other costs when we were with each other.

My DP stays here 3/4 nights a week and it hadn't occurred to me to ask for a contribution towards bills. He does always pay for take aways twice a week so we are pretty even.

Thanks so much for your replies.

This is my set up in a nutshell:

I am single parent to DS aged 11, I have a nice comfortable home and earn a good wage. I don't necessarily struggle financially but am definitely not flush either.

Have been with DP 2.5yrs, he lives rent free in a house his parents own. He earns less than I do and is currently furloughed. I do spend maybe a night every 2months at his, maybe less given the year that was 2020. I also think my house is far more comfortable, is warmer (he has open fire but rarely will turn on heating) and always stocked up. It's also much easier for him to come here than for me to pack make up, work stuff, clothes, sort out the animals so they are okay while I'm away etc. We live 15min drive apart.

There has been a couple of instances the last few days that I've kind of snapped at - lights, heaters, electric blankets left on. When I've pointed this out he hasn't seen it as a big deal so I snapped and said "It's all very well when you're not the one paying the bills".

Cooked a lovely Sunday roast recently and he had not even finished his plate when he said "Did you get snacks and nibbles for later?"

He took an item of food out of the fridge and had a piece in his hand and I asked him not to eat it as I have a strict meal plan in place every week to make my shopping delivery last and he threw it in his mouth with a smile.

Had to tot up my electric/heating and broadband bills for 2020 for my tax return this week and when I told him I was shocked that it was c.£2,500 he barely batted an eye. He doesn't seem to understand the enormity of my outgoings, my monthly bills exceed what he earns in a month.

There are evenings when he will just snack and finish things in the fridge cupboard and it just bugs me because I've already given him dinner and he knows I am keeping a strict meal plan.

Knew I had run out of milk and eggs yesterday (mostly consumed by him) and even though he was out of the house yesterday didn't consider stopping at the shop to pick some up as a thoughtful gesture.

He does occasionally bring the odd meal/takeaway but it's not consistent at all. He will tidy up a bit, empty dishwasher but nothing that makes any huge dent in my housework to be honest.

My DS is with me 50% of the time and to be honest, I would just throw on a jumper and a pair of woolly socks when I'm on my own 😂 but when DP is here I like to keep the house nice and warm so heating is always on when we're together.

I don't know what I expect from him really, I just wanted to see what other couples do in similar situations so thanks for the replies so far

I’d be binning him. Yes you could ask him to contribute but you shouldn’t have to. I couldn’t be with someone who thinks that’s ok

The comment about him putting food in his mouth with a smile after you asked him not to eat it is enough to make me say bin him

My partner basically lived with me at one point (always there but no official chat of moving in) while keeping their own place. I had a nice city centre flat and DP had student digs. Bills were less of an issue as bills were included in my rent. However DP definitely contributed fair share to food and paid for occasional treats for me and the housemate as a thank-you. Housemate quite liked DP being around so no issues there!

I think he’s taking the piss if not contributing to food at all! I would expect him to bring food for both of you for the days he’s there to make up for the extra bills etc. Although if he’s used to living off his parents then he’s not quite got to the point where he needs to put his big boy pants on and pay his way! Definitely needs a discussion with a fair outcome decided.

It sounds like at best he’s being thoughtless and at worst he’s taking advantage. If he’s not going to be proactive with contributing then I’d ask him to pay for the shopping at whatever frequency seems fair.

@TeapotCollection I know, this did piss me off big time tbh.

I'll be cooking dinner sometimes and he'll be snacking, say getting a platter of crackers and cheese together, I'll ask him not to as it will spoil his dinner (when really I just want him to bloody well wait and be thankful he's getting dinner). His response is "When has it ever spoiled my dinner? When I'm not able to eat the dinner you've made that's when I'll stop snacking"