Does your DP contribute to household bills

[NC19012021]

Have name changed for this as do not want my previous threads discussing similar topics to be taken into account when answering.

My query is this, if you are a single parent/person whose DP does not live with you but stays 3 to 4 nights a week, has lunch, dinner, baths etc do they contribute to your household and food bills?

Thanks in advance

What did he say when you brought it up previously ?
Do you honestly believe he doesn't know what he is doing. Of course he does, please don't be completely naïve.

This is a guy who manages to live completely rent free, that is not an accident

I would be absolutely stunned if he pays his fair share and actually stays- most likely if you force the issue he will for a while and then move onto the next unsuspecting sucker who wants a man so much she is willing to pay for one!

I wouldn't ask someone to contribute to the bills but on the same note if they were staying 4 times a week and not offering any help I would be asking them to shower instead of bath I wouldn't be doing their washing and If I wasn't cold the heating wouldn't be on. If they moaned they would be told to go home or contribute. I think once or twice a week is guest status, 4 times a week is more and while I wouldn't expect nor want a weekly contribution (id feel obligated to let them spend more time there even if I didn't want them to) I wouldn't be spending more than i needed to to meet their expectations iyswim.
Also I'd expect regular food supplies bought. If they wanted to eat at mine 3 times a day four times a week Id expect basics bought by them at least. Or they shop one week I shop the next. Eating your food knowing it means you go without, not replacing stuff and laughing while he's doing it is royally taking the piss and he would be told so to. I'd make sure the cupboards were empty next time he came, devoid of all treats and simply contained MY basic meal ingredients, then when asked why hed be told you want to eat it's your turn to shop.

That being said I wouldn't be happy with someone spending rhat much time at mine anyway.
I could manage 2 nights a week on a regular basis maybe 3 nights but 4 every week, id be going mad lol.

I live with my two children. He lives with his brother and has no kids. He spends 2 nights a week at mine. He doesn't pay me anything towards my mortgage/ bills.

But if we go out, he pays for meals, drinks, taxis etc. He also generally pays for hotels when we go away.

If we stay in, he pays for takeaways and brings beers with him. Sometimes I cook but he doesn't expect it.

I think that our arrangement is fair.

I've just read your further update and remember your earlier thread. Thought it might be you but shared my answer to your original post as I think that's what you need.

I sympathise with your situation. These domestic arrangements evolve over time, and by the time you realise it's an issue, it's snowballed so you don't know how to deal with it. A friend of mine is in a very similar situation which developed based on circumstance with lockdown, him being made redundant, the distance between their houses etc. And now it's causing resentment.

I'm not sure I have any advice, but I hope seeing my PP helps you to be absolutely sure that your arrangement isn't acceptable.

Any fixes or solutions you put in place will be sticking plasters over the gaping hole that is his fundamental lack of care for you and your child.

He knows you and your son might be going short of food because he's greedy and he doesn't care. That's what his smirk told you. How can you bear to be with a man who would see your own child go without? And how do you think your son feels knowing that the cheese that was for his sandwiches has gone because your boyfriend scoffed it.

You can't fix that with a sum.

Thanks @fedupandfiredup I appreciate your calm response and sharing how you and your partner work things out and yes, it sounds like I'm in a similar situation to your friend where things have snowballed due to lockdowns etc and just needs to be addressed very firmly and for the last time now.

I've been single for a long time as I said, I've dated a lot but never met someone I've invited into my life before now. I'm really not a silly woman, I wouldn't think myself a mug, but I do think there could be a future with this man... only if this issue can be figured out. If not, I'll not be raising the issue a 3rd time, I'll just dump the relationship and while this would be disappointing, it's not something that would upset me too much if I felt I was being taken advantage of.

Thank you @ALittleBitConfused1 I agree with your post and to be honest, I'd be happier to see him less and will be reducing our nights together. I really do love my own space and company. I'll be taking your advice (and the advice of other posters) and hiding any potential snack items. I'll just leave basic meal ingredients in the fridge/cupboard, which I will say cannot under any circumstances be eaten as they are for planned meals. Shouldn't have to do this but it will be interesting to see what the reaction is nonetheless, it could be very telling...

He lives rent free at his parents. He has no responsibilities. And he comes round to yours, makes no or little contribution and nicks your family food laughing?

Who said chivalry is lost?!

I’m with Clymene. Sounds like he’s on a different page altogether. A casual fling sounds more appropriate than partner.

Dp pays £200 a month into my account for 'rent' which I have asked him not to. I don't have rent or mortgage to pay.

He also pays for at least half if not more of the shopping, every takeaway or meal out, alcohol, buys me clothes and stuff for my dc.

He is here for dinner 5/7 nights and I usually send him to work with lunch (soup etc)
We go to his most weekends up in the country so I'm really only cooking 3 or 4 nights

I know he is very generous and I'm very lucky.

@Clymene I really do hope it's a case of him being totally ignorant as to what it takes to run a house and raise a child as opposed to his lack of care for me and my son but you're right to point it out. My son won't ever be left without due to a man in my life, I'd sooner bin the relationship than have any resentment from my son, he really is my #1.

Fortunately/Unfortunately my son loves BF, constantly asking for him to come over... sitting here now thinking I should never have introduced the pair in case this all goes tits up... that's a thread for another day though 😩

My boyfriend stayed with me for the last Nov lockdown. I didn't charge him anything and we alternated paying for the food shop. However he still had the rent and bills at his shared house to pay and he is on min wage where I earn more than three times what he does. He did his share of housework but I did a bit more more as I wfh and he was travelling to work.

If he moves in properly in future, he'll pay a fixed amount toward 'rent' and bills. Not 50% since I earn more and I own the house.

@bettertimesarecomingnow your partner sounds like such a very thoughtful, respecting and generous man. Glad you found yourself what seems like real keeper x

Neither of us have or want DC if that makes a difference and are in our early 30s.

Hi OP. Firstly you sound lovely, but I do think your got yourself a grade A cocklodger here and it's only going to get worse. I did wonder for a second whether you've been dating my exH..

The points that are red flags to me are that you tell him specifically please don't eat that, and he does, smirking because he doesn't care he's inconvenienced you.

He doesn't think to offer, and I'm afraid to say, he never will because he doesn't think of other people, he only ever considers what he wants, or needs.

Any decent partner would be embarrassed to use resources, to cost their partner money and not offer to help out. I wonder whether this isn't just about money, does he ever help with the mental load and planning for life stuff?

This isn't a partner, he's a drain on your mental and emotional well-being as well as your finances. Find someone who contributed positively to your life, don't settle..

Thanks for sharing your set up @StarsonaString - it's a far cry from mine at the moment ☹️ It's very helpful to see the contributions other partners are willing to make even when they have bills of their own to look after, obviously not the case with my DP 😢

I'll just leave basic meal ingredients in the fridge/cupboard, which I will say cannot under any circumstances be eaten as they are for planned meals. Shouldn't have to do this but it will be interesting to see what the reaction is nonetheless, it could be very telling ...

But you already have done this, and the response was just a smirk - and call me dense but I'm not sure how the fact he was "oblivious and didn't care" fits with you supposedly having "a good relationship"

A decent man wouldn't have made a few days of effort because you said something; he'd have done it all the time because it's the right thing to do ... but he hasn't because, as PPs have said, he's a cocklodger

Sorry, OP, but I think you're just being too nice about this; he's treating you as a mug and only you can decide if you want to tolerate that

Thanks @Treacletoots - I am afraid of that some of your points will be correct, that he doesn't think to offer because it's not actually the kind of person that he is. This is a problem for me, I believe I'm a very generous person to the people I love and I would like the same in a partner.

In his defence, he does help with my mental load. He has been a great support mentally and emotionally to me (and I for him) as I said upthread. He doesn't help me plan my life stuff but I don't really want that to be honest, I want to and am capable of making big life decisions on my own

Answered after reading OP and have now RFT. I think he is a tosser and his 'ignorance' is carefully curated. He may not have experience of paying bills but he definitely knows how much food costs. At best he is childish and selfish. At worst, actively scheming to save money at your expense. Probably the latter since you have already had the chat and he relapsed once he thought he had appeased you enough. Not nice.

I've never met anyone like him - he sure is a keeper! He proposed to me after 9 days.

OP,

People never "not understand" that food, heating etc..costs money.

People never "just don't seem to get" that food has to be bought, snacks have to be picked up, heating and coal have to be purchased.

People never believe consumables just magically appear for their consumption.🙄

The "get" it very, very, well.

They are just mean. Plain mean.

They are just tight. Plain tight.

They just like to screw people over.

The like to take advantage of nice people.

They just don't care.

They just like to use people.

They just don't care about anyone beside themselves.

They just think everyone around them is a bit stupid, and they can get one over them.

They just don't care about anyone, because they are so determined to use anyone, and everyone, for as long as they can.

They feel that is their right.

They sooooo look down on those who are stupid enough to pay for their food and comforts.

The have no shame.

So despite dropping lots of hints, they will behave as if it has absolutely NOTHING to do with them......the dirty business of actually paying for stuff🙄.

Mean people are the absolute dregs, and they know EXACTLY what they are doing.

They are also very pleasant, charming people, because it's harder to make utter mugs out of those around you if you are very obviously a pig of a personality.

When really called out on their behaviour, they invariably act shocked, surprised, hurt, disbelieving, stunned, and confused 🙄.

I really wish you the best OP.

I stay at my partners more than he stays at mine. he buys the weekly food shop, I always bring things in or I often make us something nice at the weekends. I am the only one with a car and I uses that all the time if we go out or to go shopping etc. When he does stay here I make sure I have everything we need, so I feel like it works out.

Yes. People may tell you to talk to him, tell him what you need but the facts are, decent people realise that behaving like this isn't acceptable. He's doing it because he can, and is very unlikely to change because he doesn't want to.

My exH wouldn't cook because he was happy with microwaved pre cooked rustlers burgers. He didn't see why he should make the effort to cook when it was my issue that I didn't like the food he 'cooked'

He inherited several thousands of pounds, and when I asked him if he would help to pay off the debt accrued for the wedding - on my credit card he looks genuinely perplexed and tried to tell me that him paying off his credit cards / buying a new TV / other shite were benefiting me more.

I agree that I think he's well aware of what he's doing and that is worrying. There are decent people out there OP. My new DH is a legend and has never once behaved in a selfish manner. He's a fabulous.partner and father to our DD, and never has to be asked to do anything, he just makes the effort to bring back the shopping, put the clothes out, buy birthday presents, cook a lovely meal, and so on. Good people do exist, you just need to wheedle out the wheat from the chaff
.

@billy1966 so very well said. Nailed it.

Please stop blaming your kindness and your generosity OP! You are the victim of his disregard. He is not a victim of your love.

If you are so sure of his love and respect for you it's no biggy for him to bring a bag of groceries with him or pay you £10 a night. If he wanted to, he would.

You are guilty of something - enabling him to be a user. Of being too polite to stand up and say what's right. For allowing a man to walk over you. If the relationship is strong it will survive you tackling this. Please read back what you've written and see the excuses you make for why you put up with this unreasonable cocklodger.