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Original poster

Does your DP contribute to household bills

188 replies

NC19012021 · 19/01/2021 10:27

Have name changed for this as do not want my previous threads discussing similar topics to be taken into account when answering.

My query is this, if you are a single parent/person whose DP does not live with you but stays 3 to 4 nights a week, has lunch, dinner, baths etc do they contribute to your household and food bills?

Thanks in advance Smile

OP posts:
comfycomfy · 19/01/2021 12:00

I have a feeling you've posted this before. Consensus was and still is that he's a freeloading git you should get rid of.

BlingLoving · 19/01/2021 12:01

Agh. It's not even just about him contributing financially, it's about his total disrespect of you. Eating food when you've explained its being saved for specific meals etc is just rude. As an example, I do all cooking and shopping but DH gets breakfast and lunch for himself and DD during homeschooling etc as he's furloughed. They like an avocado so this morning I mentioned there's only one ripe one left and we're having fajitas for supper so please don't have it at lunch. He said, "sure." That's the only acceptable response in these situations.

Before living together, DH was in shared accommodation on a very low wage. I lived alone and earned a fairly good, but not excessive, salary. He spent at least 4-5 nights a week at mine. He didn't pay bills but he absolutely contributed - did his share of cleaning/tidying up, was usually the one buying day-to-day things like bread and milk as he had shorter work days so would stop on way home and regularly insisted on paying for the bigger shop. It wouldn't have crossed his mind not to pay his way.

Your issue is not just financial but that he doesn't seem to respect that it's your hoe and he's taking the piss. He's acting like a teenager not a partner.

Original poster
NC19012021 · 19/01/2021 12:04

@comfycomfy Unfortunately you're right, I have posted before under a different t name. I might link the older thread in a while to give a full picture. Things improved at that time but unfortunately because of continuous lockdowns seem to have reverted again and I'm feeling a bit of resentment creeping in Sad

OP posts:
ThisTooShallBe · 19/01/2021 12:08

He doesn’t sound either mature or respectful. I think I may have seen your previous thread OP, it was certainly MN that inspired me to be b v wary of cocklodgerd, hence the deal I agreed with my DP (though he did offer first, which makes a difference to how easy the agreement is to live with).

What is stopping you from having a full and frank discussion with him?

Butterymuffin · 19/01/2021 12:09

He is taking advantage with the food. That's what I would address. Actually tell him not to eat your food now, don't just 'ask', and say you now expect him to either do some shopping himself or to pay you for meals and snacks. If he isn't keen point out that he would have to buy them for himself if he wasn't there and you're not a charity.

bigbird1969 · 19/01/2021 12:10

i cant believe your still with this free loader. I thought you had dumped him? He isnt going to change. But you can, stop letting this man treat you like a second mother.

mcmooberry · 19/01/2021 12:10

That would bug the hell out of me. Have another chat now and in fact I would advise he actually gives you a set amount of money every month towards bills/food etc.

Original poster
NC19012021 · 19/01/2021 12:20

Would it be ridiculous to say that I'm giving him a shelf in the cupboard and the fridge for his food now and that he can make his own meals from now on?
Really not ideal tbh, I honestly love to cook and in my family, sharing food is just a way of showing love - me, my DS, my Mum and her DH love spending days in the kitchen together cooking. But it's just a given we all contribute i.e for Xmas me and Mum sat down a few weeks in advance and split all the shopping equally.

Don't know how to approach this 😩

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 19/01/2021 12:23

He sounds utterly dreadful. He has zero respect or kindness based on the examples of him just helping himself to food etc. when asked not to.

I did a calculation with my boyfriend (LDR) - added up rent costs, utilities, travel expenses for him to drive here and back etc. per month to get a daily figure, then multiplied by number of nights he stays and divided that cost in two. He pays his half of that.

Heyha · 19/01/2021 12:29

Ever since I was a student the rule was if you are staying in someone's house, you deal with the food so the host doesn't have to (I commuted to uni so if I stayed a few nights at friends' say when we were receiving, I'd do a decent food shop to cover the time I was there with a bit left over but didn't contribute to bills as too hard to carve up) . I'd be less worried about this in your house if your DP actually followed your household routine but raiding your cupboards and not replacing stuff smacks of actively freeloading. You're obviously not happy with this (rightly so) so it's time to lay it out to him, I think. Does he bring his own toiletries etc or do you have to buy those for him too?

Candyfloss99 · 19/01/2021 12:31

It is not really his fault though that he always has to come to your house. It is you who can't be bothered going to his. I would expect him to buy some food and maybe the odd bill like buying heating oil as a gift. You can't charge him rent when he has his own house and only stays at yours because it is easier for you.

HellonHeels · 19/01/2021 12:31

@NC19012021

Would it be ridiculous to say that I'm giving him a shelf in the cupboard and the fridge for his food now and that he can make his own meals from now on? Really not ideal tbh, I honestly love to cook and in my family, sharing food is just a way of showing love - me, my DS, my Mum and her DH love spending days in the kitchen together cooking. But it's just a given we all contribute i.e for Xmas me and Mum sat down a few weeks in advance and split all the shopping equally.

Don't know how to approach this 😩

No, it would be ridiculous to stay in a relationship with this freeloader.

As if he'd stick to those rules, he'd be helping himself constantly to your stuff anyway.

You could approach it by telling him to leave.

EKGEMS · 19/01/2021 12:36

You needn't post previous links-I'm sure you received sterling advice at that time-It boils down to what you're willing to tolerate-how much you enjoy "welcome" stamped across your forehead. You're dating a freeloading manchild.

comfycomfy · 19/01/2021 12:37

Op this man doesn't even like you. Don't you like you? Why would you have someone in your home who treats you with such contempt?

mindutopia · 19/01/2021 12:39

Given your update (and the fact that he doesn't pay rent or presumably other bills living in a place that his parents pay for !!), I would ask him to contribute to 1/3 of the weekly shopping. Surely, he is there 3-4 days a week (not all week), but he is a grown man and is surely eating more than your 11 year old. Tell him each week what the food costs were and he can pay in cash or do a bank transfer on a set day. I would also look at your monthly bills in terms of internet/tv/electric/water/whatever, and ask for a contribution to those, maybe slightly less (25%) as he won't be using as much as the two of you are. If he bulks at that, I'd definitely be re-considering this relationship. I think it's a bit different if it's mutual (for example, dh and I both used to stay weeks at a time with each other, so wouldn't pay bills because it evened out, but would contribute to food, day to day costs, meals out, etc.). But it sounds like this is definitely not a situation of mutual give and take - made all the more ridiculous that he isn't really paying to keep another house if it's paid for by his parents.

Berthatydfil · 19/01/2021 12:41

The fact that after you asked him not to eat that food he smirked and ate it anyway boils my blood on your behalf.
He just doesn’t care, he doesn’t even pretend to care. You exist to serve him, his wants and needs are all he cares about . So what if he eats food you have earmarked for a meal this week ??

Ask yourself is his company and the sex worth this level of disrespect ?

Dump him

Dery · 19/01/2021 12:42

“You needn't post previous links-I'm sure you received sterling advice at that time-It boils down to what you're willing to tolerate-how much you enjoy "welcome" stamped across your forehead. You're dating a freeloading manchild.”

This.

Serenity45 · 19/01/2021 12:46

I think I remember the previous thread OP. He sounds like a pisstaking greedy prick. An ex moved in with me years ago (mortgaged property my sole name). Looking back he was a twat for other reasons hence being ex. However he was keen to check what he needed to pay and went out of his way to buy nice shopping/not want me to pay for any drinks etc when we went out. Your 'D' Ps attitude is so disrespectful especially as you've already raised this with him.

Honestly? I wouldn't do the separate shelf thing - I'd be letting him use his own shelves in his own house the tight bastard.

MrsVogon · 19/01/2021 12:47

He's a massive cocklodger - get rid!

Wheel0fF0rtuneC00k1e · 19/01/2021 12:48

How unattractive, munching on snacks before a lovingly homemade meal

Not contributing to food shopping or chores

He is literally eating what you should be spending on you & your child

Stop feeding him

He buys his own snacks

jellybeanteaparty · 19/01/2021 12:48

I think offering fridge and shelf space for the all of the snacks he wants to eat that from now on he will buy plus a contribution to his meal deal.....

Nousernameforme · 19/01/2021 12:50

Why do you want to stay with him?

Wheel0fF0rtuneC00k1e · 19/01/2021 12:51

He needs his own food shelf - yes in his own home !

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/01/2021 12:51

I'm pretty sure I've seen your posts before and our advice was ignored. If he does not contribute don't let him eat anything at your house or have baths there.
I would not have had anyone sponging off me when I was a single parent because my spare cash was for my DS not some random bloke.
I wouldn't have a sponger for a boyfriend full stop because I have standards. You need to have this conversation with him.

Bluntness100 · 19/01/2021 12:52

I’m fairly sure the advice last time was the same as this time

He’s taking the piss. You’re literally paying for cock. Is he worth it? If he can’t treat you with respect and pay his way food wise, then end this.

I don’t think he needs to contribute to bills, he will feel he’s more of a right to be there, and I wouldn’t give him a shelf, you’re not students.

Work out thr cost and ask him to pay his share.

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