Does your DP contribute to household bills

[NC19012021]

Have name changed for this as do not want my previous threads discussing similar topics to be taken into account when answering.

My query is this, if you are a single parent/person whose DP does not live with you but stays 3 to 4 nights a week, has lunch, dinner, baths etc do they contribute to your household and food bills?

Thanks in advance

Another one who recalls your other thread - he might have done just enough back then to keep you onside, but he's clearly in the habit of living off others and has no intention of changing, so there's little point in "approaching this again"

Why bother, when you know all you'll get is a few fine words and then another smirk as he raids the fridge?

I think, that even though you had a discussion and his behaviour did improve, the fact that he's slid back into it so easily means that it's not going to go away. This is who he is. I would find it particularly galling that you've told him the cost of things he's doing/adding to your living expenses and he hasn't taken the hint, in fact he seems to find it funny.

It's nice that he managed to behave decently towards you for little while after your intervention but do you really want to be in a relationship where you keep having to pull your partner up on stuff like this? It will only breed resentment, on both sides, until you end up mutually hating each other

I would not want someone like this as a partner. Literally taking the food from your kids mouth.

Can you tell him to only come once a week? Why do you need him there 4 days?

Before I lived with dp I would bring food in and cook often but he paid for bills. (For practical reasons he didn't stop with me as much but would pay for dinners out if he did)

What exactly is the point of him?
Essentially, you're paying for sex - is he worth it?

@billy1966

OP,

Truthfully, I really don't mean to be nasty.

Harsh yes.
I think you need harsh, to have been accepting such appalling treatment from any man.

You have given multiple examples of utter meanness, disrespect and his snearing at you.

He's using you.

Why would you allow that?

Do you think allowing him to come to your home and eat you out of it, including food that you have asked him not to, indicates his respect and regard for you?????

Really?

You are working hard to provide a home for your child, and you are also clearly paying a cocklodger who lives free in his parents house, and lives off you, at your home.

Is that really what you waited for?

Is that really what you want in a man?

Someone who pays for NOTHING in his life?

I am harsh but not nasty.

You deserve better.
Your child deserves better.

Couldn't agree more

I remember your previous thread and it really isn't long ago so why you say it has improved, it was for about 5 minutes by the sound of things
He is 100% a cock lodger. He is never going to change, maybe for 5 minutes when you kick off until his old habits return. If you continue to push it, he will leave for someone who won't
Really its up to you whether you decide you want him so badly that you are willing to pay for the privilege , because make no mistake, that is what you are doing now

@Berthatydfil

Is he the Yeokens guy?

If it is, then get rid. That was ridiculous.

My query is this, if you are a single parent/person whose DP does not live with you but stays 3 to 4 nights a week, has lunch, dinner, baths etc do they contribute to your household and food bills?

Well, he is living with you 50% of the time, so he should be contributing. I read your updates and the fact he lives his other 50% of the time rent free at mummy and daddy’s house is probably why he is an entitled clueless twat.

So what you do is you add your wages to his wages...that number is 100% of the income. You then calculate what % of that you each earn. So say total income is £60k/yr, you earning £40k and him earning £20k. That means you earn 66.5% and he earns 33.5%. If he lived there full time, he would owe 33.5% of every bill (including rent, council tax, food, utilities, broadband). As he only lives there half-time, and has free housing with mummy and daddy, you’d cut 33.5% in half to get ~17%. However the savings he gets from visiting his mum and dad’s should be split between you and not all his to keep. So, add back 8% and I’d say he owes you 25% of your monthly bills for living there 50% of the time. (If you make double what he does, do the math using the real figures).

If the simple B&B rate is higher, go with that, but I fear it won’t be enough because he’s not just eating breakfast is he? He’s raiding your kitchen morning, noon, evening and midnight.

I agree too, if he won’t commit to paying a fair share or commits and then fails to follow through, time to show him the door. You’re not a sugar mama that he can live off in return for sex.

Why are you still with this disrespectful tosser?

If it's Yeokens guy, it's doomed.

He’s a greedy cocklodger. Get rid.

My DP stays here 2-3 nights a week and contributes a good amount per month to make sure I’m not disadvantaged. He earns a 6 figure salary so can afford it, while I’m on NMW. He also gets a takeaway once a week, as I ended up cooking for him 3 times a week and then he’d go home and get takeaway with his kids 2-3 times a week, so I felt the balance was a bit unfair in labour as well as money.

In your man’s position, he may not be earning big bucks but he’s saving a lot by living with his parents- especially if he’s furloughed, he should be helping you out around the house if nothing else. Lazy bastard.

He did enough to placate you.

I would question why on earth you continue to put up with it.

I would have not just fallen out of love but would be veering towards absolutely despising someone with behaviour like this.

As much as you are really not keen on some answers I am questioning why you think you deserve treatment like this and it does point towards low self esteem and or not being able to stand the though of being single.

Don't have much time so only popping in to say he is not the yoghurt coupon guy!!! I followed that thread too, totally shocking. Might go back and ready that lady's thread again before responding in more detail just to see how dissimilar my situation actually is...

@NC19012021

Don't have much time so only popping in to say he is not the yoghurt coupon guy!!! I followed that thread too, totally shocking. Might go back and ready that lady's thread again before responding in more detail just to see how dissimilar my situation actually is...

Small mercies, I suppose.

But please don't sell yourself short, OP, just because your boyfriend isn't quite as bad as Mr Yeokens.

It does sound crap. My bf spends more time with me than I do at his and whilst I don't ask for a contribution because he doesn't have much business coming in, he has offered and when he has a bigger income, I will ask for a share.

In your circumstances, I would ask for 30% of the shopping bill to be paid by him and for him to pull his weight when he's at yours. I think that is fair.

I get you're asking for advice on how to fix this but some things just aren't fixable. This happens to be one of them.

He's got Yeoken potential.

You have 2 options with him.

1. get rid
2. Put up with it.

Is he this miserly and greedy in bed?

Why not just tell him he needs to contribute to the food he is eating. Honestly how could he refuse a straightforward request to pay towards the food he is stuffing his face with?

@Berthatydfil

Is he the Yeokens guy?

Not the "Food shop day is the best day of the week" guy?! The freeloading was just the tip of the iceberg with how disrespectful and unappealing a "partner"!he was... wasn't he obnoxious to your child?!!!

If it is you then you may as well just hand him your bank card and keys to your house (not that you ever got his copy back I'm guessing?!)

Why do you think this situation is salvageable? He is so obviously never going to change. Because he knows there are no consequences to his actions. You need to take responsibility for allowing him to do this. He's taking the piss out of you, and your child.

Cross post, as you say it's not the yoghurt-tosser. But still, that's your future....

What was your previous thread then?

Yeoken potential.

A useful new Relationships label here from @RantyAnty.

I'm married now but yes, my husband used to contribute when he came and stopped over several nights a week. He eventually moved in.

What are you finding so difficult to work out?
You work out an appropriate amount eg energy, food etc and tell him he must contribute or not come round.
You sound like an intelligent woman. What is the massive dilemma here?
I think deep down you know he will refuse and possibly leave you, as he is clearly a selfish cocklodger. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't sponge off you and treat you with disrespect.
Hope you find strength to face up to this.

Thanks again all, have had a bit of time now to read through all the replies

Just to note that outside of this issue (which is obviously a big one) we do have a good relationship. We laugh a lot, enjoy spending time with each other, he's very good with my DS, we both came to the relationship with some serious issues from our pasts which we have supported each other immensely with and I think we've both grown and been able to deal with these issues better with each other's support so it's really not all bad but this issue keeps reading it's ugly head.

Thank you @PlanDeRaccordement this is exactly the type of advice I was looking for. To be honest, it's been so long since I've had to share my space with someone I just wanted to know what is reasonable to expect and ask for before tackling this situation again.

@Notanotherfreak I think he's just been spending more time at mine due to lockdowns this year and last. He only met my son 1yr ago and prior to that we were both working, he was training the evenings etc so we really only saw each other 1 or 2 eves a week and mostly that would have been late in the evening I.e. after dinner so it wasn't an issue. I think I'm gonna have to pull back on the amount he's here. Tbh I've had to say to him a few times over the past year that I needed a few days to myself because I felt like I was never alone in my house. I'm a person who enjoys my own company so think I'm gonna suggest 1 or 2 nights max a week for now.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo thanks so much for sharing your situation. Yes, it's not ideal but I'm definitely going to take a leaf out of your book. Even though it's more of a pain for me to go to his I'm gonna start doing this. Maybe one night at his and one night at mine a week maximum. I'll make a point of saying I'm cold when I am and leave him to do the cooking, cleaning etc on those nights.

@Allispretty will definitely be having the conversation with him, because you're so right that it's rattling me and I will eventually explode. I have tried in a roundabout way to get him to see how huge my outgoings are but he's either oblivious or doesn't care... I'll soon find out. And you're also right in saying another man would just offer. I don't need looking after.... but it would be nice wouldn't it 

@SixesAndEights thank you, I did have this conversation with him but it was more of a general "I really think you should pitch in with food more, I feel taken for granted". This time it obviously needs to be more along the lines of "I'm feeling really effing pissed off now, you're taking the piss and if you want this relationship to continue then I need X, Y and Z to happen or I'm out".

Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to share advice and their own situations. As I said above, it's been a long time since I've had someone in my space so I don't know what's acceptable to expect and demand,. I don't expect him to pay any rent (and really don't want a live in boyfriend in the foreseeable future at all) , I don't even really expect a contribution to the bills, even a bloody acknowledgment when I told him how much it had cost me last year would be nice but the food is non negotiable now because it's just taking the piss. I'm gonna take a few days to myself, gather myself and my approach and have the conversation. I'll update when I can - Thanks again All x