Does your DP contribute to household bills

[NC19012021]

Have name changed for this as do not want my previous threads discussing similar topics to be taken into account when answering.

My query is this, if you are a single parent/person whose DP does not live with you but stays 3 to 4 nights a week, has lunch, dinner, baths etc do they contribute to your household and food bills?

Thanks in advance

Y9u have tried approaching it and nothing has changed.

I recognise this as well and I think the advice was last time he wont change. You gave him a chance and he didnt.

So why are you still trying?

Argh. My beautiful friend has this issue. Two children and a house to run, her vile boyfriend stays there most nights and pays fuck all. He does fuck all around the house , eats her out of house and home and doesn't give her a penny as "he's saving" to fix his own house up. She rents and really struggles. I know and I think she knows too, that he will be off when it's done. I fucking hate him. I wish she'd ditch him.

Tell him straight If you want to stay with him cannot imagine why you would or tell him to fuck off if he won't pay.

Just to address a few posters:

@Shehasadiamondinthesky if you do remember my last thread then you will remember that I did take advice and was very grateful for it. No, I did not LTB but I did have a frank and honest discussion and things improved greatly. I also took advice regarding my own personal issue and provided an update weeks later thanking posters and saying how much everything had improved. Unfortunately, things appear to have backtracked which is why I am asking what other couples do so that I can approach this again.

@billy1966 my god your comment is horrendous. I am most certainly not a desperate woman or desperate for a man. I was single a long time and was very happy to be. I am a strong, independent woman, always have been. I am currently having an issue I've asked for advice on. You actually sound like such a nasty individual. I would never speak to a person looking for advice in the way you've spoken to me. Despite the issue that I am seeking advice on, he does have a lot of redeeming qualities, I would like to understand how other people navigate this so I can asses whether or not we can work something out or I need to rethink the relationship

A cocklodger is what you have there.

Well said OP, there were some very nasty comments posted - seems to be happening a lot on MN recently, people must be bored. I hope you work it out.

Have you got somewhere he can't access, a shed, wardrobe? hide all your food in there. when he looks in the cupboards you say, 'Oh I had a clear out, if you want a snack go to Tesco'.
Or just tell him to come to yours at 8PM, make sure you and DC have already eaten, when he asks for food say, 'you know where Tesco is'.

The problem is that your examples show a lack of respect to you and the situation.

Last time you laid it out what you wanted and he didnt follow through so where can you go this time.

I think you need to say that in order for this to work he needs to send through 30% of the bills especially food per month and take responsibility to buy things otherwise it is over

@Bluntness100 to clarify, he lives on his own in a house which is owned by his parents so does not pay rent

@ThisTooShallBe thank you, I can't understand the awful comments I see on here sometimes. I think this is such a valuable community to seek advice, share stories, support each other and raise each other up etc It seems there are people who go out of their way to be downright rude and vile and it just baffles me. They obviously have their own chips on their shoulders.

He sounds awful and I'd bin him.

I have not had to opportunity to read all of the replies but I thank you all for them, must collect my DS so will review the comments later and respond. Thanks so much to everyone who has taken time from their day to help me with this.

I see no point in anyone else responding further to this thread. The OP is one of those people who asks for advice, knows the solution and won't act upon it. End of.

OP,

Truthfully, I really don't mean to be nasty.

Harsh yes.
I think you need harsh, to have been accepting such appalling treatment from any man.

You have given multiple examples of utter meanness, disrespect and his snearing at you.

He's using you.

Why would you allow that?

Do you think allowing him to come to your home and eat you out of it, including food that you have asked him not to, indicates his respect and regard for you?????

Really?

You are working hard to provide a home for your child, and you are also clearly paying a cocklodger who lives free in his parents house, and lives off you, at your home.

Is that really what you waited for?

Is that really what you want in a man?

Someone who pays for NOTHING in his life?

I am harsh but not nasty.

You deserve better.
Your child deserves better.

@NC19012021, it's time to re-think the relationship. You've given it your best shot.

He's regressed, back to type.

You can't change him, and he will always 'revert to the mean' (literally!) It will become ever more exhausting and annoying until one day you start to wonder who you really are.

This isn't a good relationship and you deserve better

I think the comments are blunt because you've posted about this before, and seem to be just putting up with the same lack of respect - people are incredulous that you just accept this. You say you are a 'strong and independent woman' so why do you want this greedy, free loading cock lodger around. What exactly does he add to you life - and that of your DC's?

To be fair to the OP, she acted previously. However, he sounds as if he was doing the bare minimum till he could let it slip and get back to how ge likes it. He's so disrespectful of you OP, how you can continue to put up with that is a puzzle. This isn't fixable because he knows he just has to go along with it for a bit. And he didn't do that out of respect for you, he did it so he can cobtinue to have his easy life. It doesn't matter that he earns less, he has next to no outgoings!

You need to sit down and have a proper adult conversation about it, write your outgoings down so he sees it in front of him. Tell him you expect he pays for all food whilst at your house especially if it's exceeding 2 nights per week.

The top and bottom of it is op is that your rattled by this and your going to carry on having digs here and there until you ultimately explode. Unless you nip it in the bud now he won't offer (without sounding harsh a nicer man would as they would want to contribute).

If you do want it to work then you need to talk to him now, some men unfortunately having lived alone for long lengths of time can become particularly selfish with money

From your posts above it sounds like youre lookimg afteran adult child and not a partner. Has he ever lived onhis own? It doesnt sound like he has as he has little appreciation on the running of a house.

Jsut seen below - so he lives alone but without the financial worry - how cushty for him. Then he comes round to yours and eats your food and generally acts like an adult child. It homestly sounds like a grown up child coming home from uni.

Text him and say 'Can you pick up the following from the supermarket on your way here tonight' with a list. It's easier to start that off not face to face. If he then shows up empty handed you can then say 'that was food for tonight so you'll need to go back out, it's your turn to buy food'.

Ive got the same problem. I ended up very angry and resentful. I eventually addressed it by demanding he give me money each month (£10/ day for each day he stayed). That was a nightmare, I had to chase it, made me feel sick each time.

Eventually I ended it with him as couldn't face dealing with it anymore. The break certainly helped him to understand what he had and lost and after some time we started seeing each other again.

The issue is still there, but now I am very open and forward about it. I don't let him wiggle out of not discussing. He complained part of the problem was I don't stay at his enough and that wasn't fair. So I agreed and compromised and I now stay at his at much as he stays at mine - exactly 50/50. If I cant stay at his because of kids etc, then he's not invited to stay at mine. I tell him, the heating better be on and the house warm. And I ask him what are you making us for dinner? I help myself to snacks, complain if there's not enough food and do nothing at his that he doesn't do at mine.

Obviously this is not perfect - but I dont want to live with anyone else right now, or possibly ever. And having a reason for him not to spend loads of time at mine suits me. Aside from this one thing there are lots of positives about the relationship that I enjoy. Also I think he is used to getting away with this kind of thing and doesn't even really notice, so this has been a good training exercise for him. And in my experience all men need training on some issue or another (cleaning, sex, money etc). And its been good training for me too in a way with developing strong boundaries and saying no. He knows now I am prepared to walk away, and he also knows he doesn't want that.

I appreciate this might not be a long term strategy, but right now in the middle of lockdown and a pandemic, LTB is not quite as easy as it normally would be. Its your home, so your rules - develop a like it or you know where the door is attitude.

I (male) have never treated a partner like your DP is with you and I’ve always had my own place to run as well.

As a bare bones minimum, I’d either be buying groceries regularly or giving you an amount (on the generous side to factor in for bathroom products too) towards them. It’s not just food he’s consuming is it? He’ll be using loo roll, soap and shampoo, toothpaste etc. Washing powder etc too, for the towels he uses and if his clothes end up in your machine. That’s a LOT of extra expense.

Like some other PPs, the impression I get is that he’s got himself over-comfortable and is now taking the piss. Maybe he can’t see that it’s annoying you and thinks it’s just banter when you tell him, but if he won’t stop then I don’t see much alternative to saying LTB.

Because, whatever good character traits he has, his lack of basic consideration and manners will keep grating on you and you’ll get the ick.

Also, I want to know what he took out of the fridge and shoved in his gob.

My ex never contributed and it got to the point where even on days he didn't stay here he happened to call in on his way home from work for his tea. Soon realised I was running a restaurant and ended that relationship.

Current DP doesn't contribute to bills but does contribute to food and fills my car up sometimes. He makes me protein waffles for breakfasts and protein cookies for snacks and is really helpful around the house and makes sure him being here is never a bad thing, and doesn't make more work for me.

Is he the Yeokens guy?