someone give me a shake and help me out of this

[NoraNellie]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Need advice on how to stop feeling like this, because it's taking up WAY too much headspace.

Here goes. DH has a work colleague. About 18 months ago we started socialising with him and his wife. We all get on really well. Kids the same age etc.

As soon as we met, I felt a strong chemistry with DH's colleague. Without meaning to sound like a stupid, starry-eyed teenager - believe me, I feel like one! - it felt pretty full on. Haven't found anyone this attractive for many years. I think he's beautiful. We get on brilliantly. Same interests, make each other laugh, blah blah....

Over the course of various dinner parties and nights out, it became clear the feeling was mutual. Lots of low level flirting, long glances. Some crossing lines with physical contact when no-one else was looking. Suggestive words when no-one was listening. Not great, I know.

Neither of our partners noticed. I think they just think we get on really well and it's a fun 'foursome'. We are both in long, solid, happy marriages. I certainly don't want to embark on affair and I don't think he does either.

Obviously, we've seen these friends a lot less since the pandemic began. Once or twice for a walk when restrictions were lifted - and I didn't feel any differently. It's almost painful. During the summer, he and his wife invited us on a weekend away, and I made up some excuse about when I could take leave to my DH because it just felt too dangerous.

We live in the same town and last week I bumped into him, alone. We couldn't stop grinning at each other. And yet again, I can't get him out of my head.

I get all the stuff about hormones in midlife, the yearning for excitement, the psychology behind it. I'm trying to be an adult here, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's driving me completely insane. I feel about 15.

How do I get over this? I'm proud of myself that I swerved the weekend away (much as part of me was desperate to go), but there will only be so many excuses I can make to avoid them etc. Plus, I don't even want to avoid them! I love their company - both him and his wife. I just need to stop feeling like this.

Advice very much appreciated.

Try to imagine the crushing reality of your husband finding out and what the reality of sitting there in your house knowing you have split your marriage up would feel like.
At the moment its a fantasy chemistry thing- back off from him and try to turn it into a crush on a famous person who looks like him.
I'm going through a break up now (a mutual amicable one) and its heartbreaking- think about the bleakness of that in real terms- daydream about that instead of this man and scare yourself a bit

He’s got faults just the same as anyone and you’re not seeing that side of him. You’re both married so you need to stop with the grinning and the secret flirting and if you can’t stop then stop seeing them. Make excuses and be done. Or focus on his wife and be her friend. Then you won’t want to hurt her or your husband in carrying this on. You’re right that it’s like a teenage crush but you’re not a teenager so you need to snap out of it by recognising that deep intimacy is better than flirty butterflies. And that after the sexual attraction went you’d be left having wrecked peoples lives and hate each other for it.

@crochetmonkey74 - thanks for the reply. Yes I've thought about that, and also how upset I would feel if DH was having these crazy feelings for someone else. It makes me feel guilty and awful.

I don't want to risk my marriage, and I'm really sure he wouldn't either. I just want to STOP feeling like this about him. I even dream about him ffs.

Foursome.

I do think no contact would help you and trying to turn him into such a fantasy (unreachable) that it becomes teenage in style (remember daydreaming about famous people when we were younger)

You cant maintain a friendship with him and his wife as its not real- its a conduit for your fantasy- it was great that you didnt do the weekend- think of it as a binge drinking session- it feels fantastic until it doesnt and you know you cant do it often.

Your real life people are not worth exploding for this fantasy figure

The grass may seem greener, but the bugger still needs cutting.

@Isadora2007 - thanks. I have my own friendship with his wife and get on really well with her too. I see her by myself etc. The thought of hurting her as well as my DH makes me feel sick. I'm aware how selfish and stupid my feelings for him sound....but it's honestly a completely overwhelming chemistry.

I'm also more than aware he farts and drops wet towels on the floor and gets grumpy just like any bloke - I've TRIED thinking about all those things, but it just doesn't stop me feeling like this.

If you seriously want it to stop, you're only actual option is no contact. That's the only one.

But, you don't want to do that, because fancying people is fun. It's more fun that real life.

As it is, you've got everything. Lovely marriage and some exciting thoughts and butterflies on the side. Pretty shit for his wife and your husband though. You know, the people you both 'love'.

He sounds like a creep for flirting in front of his wife. He is probably already shagging his secretary. Anyone that would entertain this is not a good person, I would cut them off, lockdown is the perfect time. Tell your DH you find them boring and him a bit creepy...which in reality, he is!!!

Try to picture your friend perhaps leaving sweaty socks on the floor,insisting he follows some utterly tedious hobby,being pro Brexit and never cleaning the kitchen surfaces properly.This will soon dispel all hormonal lust.

That applies to both of them @SandysMam

The farting and wet towels thing needs to be beefed up a bit.

@choli - ...somehow I think that might complicate things further!

I think a big part of this is that I can't really cut contact or just pretend he's a fantasy figure. He works with DH, we are in the same social group...even if I try to minimise 'dangerous' situations going forward (like the weekend away), there are going to be times we're together. So I need to work out how to quash my feelings.

@arethereanyleftatall - you are brutal, but rightly so. It IS shit behaviour, from both of us. I know that. I am trying though. There have been times we could have gone further (than we have already), we could have embarked on something. I don't think either of us wants to. It's just really hard to control this stupid level of attraction, and I can't stop thinking about him.

Foursome 😂

No seriously though I know it’s hard but just stop . Put him out your head when ever you think of him and put your efforts into your relationship . Use lockdown as a good time to minimise any in person contact

Imagine the devastation it would cause to your dh if he knew

Imagine dh behaving like you are with another woman

Imagine actually ending up with this guy n realising you’ll never trust him as he’s the sort of man to be married and flirt with other women

Imagine the absolute embarrassment If something happened and when it all calms down you realise you were behaving like an absolute dick who wrecked everything based on ultimately wanting a new shag

Glad I’m single tbh can enjoy these exciting new shags as and when I like but I absolutely hate to see people who decided to commit to someone making fools of their other half .

You need to go no- contact with him & his wife.

If you continue to see him then you will both slowly give yourselves permission to push the boundaries further. You must continue to look further down the line as to where this could go, hurt husband, hurt children, hurt friend and a marriage irrevocably changed.

The crush will pass and you’ll feel embarrassed & relieved you stopped it when you did.

I think you are just enjoying it- i think maybe channel this imagination into the reality of you finding out your husband was talking like this about a woman not you- you'd be devastated. Either you love your husband or you don't. This thread is feeding your fantasy as you can tell us all about this 'amazing chemistry' you have.
I think the day to day love and support you have in a long term relationship is the real fantasy here- and you are living it so give your head a wobble, dont give it any oxygen. when DH comes in, hug him and really breathe in having him there in your arms - you would miss him if he wasn't there any more

@SandysMam - not sure it's really feasible to cut contact tbh. DH works with him, we are all friends. I couldn't just announce I'd taken a sudden dislike to them.

@randomer - yes, if he was pro Brexit my attraction to him would wane pretty fast unfortunately nothing he says or does (so far) has done much to curb my feelings.

Stop focusing on how to quash your feelings and start focusing on how to quash your ACTIONS.

Finding people attractive is normal. Getting a little crush on a sexy new person is normal. That's the case even if you're in a committed monogamous LTR or marriage. Involuntary sexual desire is not, itself, a moral failing.

What would be a failing and what IS in your control is taking any action on it. I've noticed that people often start talking about themselves as passive bystanders when it comes to their feelings - being overcome, or unable to help oneself. No, you can still control your actions! Every action is a choice - to make the innuendo, to make the flirty eye contact, to let your hand wander. Don't make those choices.

Own the feeling - don't spend your energy wrestling with it or trying to think yourself out of it. But make the active choice to keep it in your head. And counter it by making the active choice to think about your husband in that sort of way - maybe remember how he used to make you feel.

Imagine you've arrived at a work event ahead of time and you're ravenous. Your favourite snack is laid out on the table. You want to stuff your face desperately. But you don't, because you can control your desires and feelings.

[quote NoraNellie]@arethereanyleftatall - you are brutal, but rightly so. It IS shit behaviour, from both of us. I know that. I am trying though. There have been times we could have gone further (than we have already), we could have embarked on something. I don't think either of us wants to. It's just really hard to control this stupid level of attraction, and I can't stop thinking about him.[/quote]
I know that was brutal and I apologise - I was trying to be cruel to be kind. It is so difficult though. Because you'll continue to fantasise about him all the more that you can't 'have him'. It'll just intensify. Imagination is far more piquant.

What about if you think of it the other way round? Would that help? Ie you're married to him, but fancy your dh?

I don't know: it's an impossible situation.

I would just say - my exh had an affair which started from feelings like yours I'm sure, like all of them do. Four years down the line and he is beyond gutted. Lost his kids, lost his wife, his home, his friends. And turns out, the affair which he's now stuck with - she's an idiot. If he could turn back the clock, I think he'd do whatever he needed to do to stop it before it started.

I would use it as a chance to brutally analyse your life and what is missing from it that this crush fulfils.

Is it fun, novelty, sex, emotional attachment...many "good" marriages have a weak spot, and this can be something you could work on improving. Does your DH not laugh at your jokes, or criticise you a lot, not pay you compliments...is there something in your behaviour that is belitting to him or martyrish? There's something niggling at you that you can't quite face and this is taking the place of dealing with that. The key is to find that thing.

Try and imagine him having a poo/farting/picking his nose and eating it.

Doesn't sound like a crush to me. You are both already breaking boundaries by covert physical contact etc.

I agree with @gannett. It's called self control.

Start fantasying about your dh.
@arethereanyleftatall is right.
And I assure you he's like this around most attractive women. To know you are one of a crowd won't make it seem as romantic. His poor wife.

So far no-one seems to have mentioned your kids, and neither have you. Surely the thought of them losing their family, or witnessing you doing this is enough to put you off?