someone give me a shake and help me out of this

[NoraNellie]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Need advice on how to stop feeling like this, because it's taking up WAY too much headspace.

Here goes. DH has a work colleague. About 18 months ago we started socialising with him and his wife. We all get on really well. Kids the same age etc.

As soon as we met, I felt a strong chemistry with DH's colleague. Without meaning to sound like a stupid, starry-eyed teenager - believe me, I feel like one! - it felt pretty full on. Haven't found anyone this attractive for many years. I think he's beautiful. We get on brilliantly. Same interests, make each other laugh, blah blah....

Over the course of various dinner parties and nights out, it became clear the feeling was mutual. Lots of low level flirting, long glances. Some crossing lines with physical contact when no-one else was looking. Suggestive words when no-one was listening. Not great, I know.

Neither of our partners noticed. I think they just think we get on really well and it's a fun 'foursome'. We are both in long, solid, happy marriages. I certainly don't want to embark on affair and I don't think he does either.

Obviously, we've seen these friends a lot less since the pandemic began. Once or twice for a walk when restrictions were lifted - and I didn't feel any differently. It's almost painful. During the summer, he and his wife invited us on a weekend away, and I made up some excuse about when I could take leave to my DH because it just felt too dangerous.

We live in the same town and last week I bumped into him, alone. We couldn't stop grinning at each other. And yet again, I can't get him out of my head.

I get all the stuff about hormones in midlife, the yearning for excitement, the psychology behind it. I'm trying to be an adult here, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's driving me completely insane. I feel about 15.

How do I get over this? I'm proud of myself that I swerved the weekend away (much as part of me was desperate to go), but there will only be so many excuses I can make to avoid them etc. Plus, I don't even want to avoid them! I love their company - both him and his wife. I just need to stop feeling like this.

Advice very much appreciated.

@Onthedunes

The problem is with your theory *@samyeagar* is that feelings change.

Lust nearly always plays the part initially in an affair but then emotions change, along with that can come feelings of a different future.

You say nothing will change op's mind until she's shagged him, surely some people have the capability of seeing the consequences of their actions?
Can you imagine the fallout of this little scenario, because I really don't think the op can. Her husband works with the guy, his wife is friends with her, the children probably know one another, their work circle of friends, family, the list goes on.
Apart from the fact it will be the biggest humiliation for her husband, I just don't know what could stop this juggernaut of feelings she has for him escalating.
She has mentionitus, she has it bad.
Other than calling her salacious names she seems adamant on ruining everybodies lives.

Op grow up and let him destroy someone elses family, so what he's attractive, other women probably feel the same about him, what he thinks of you though could be quite different.
He probably thinks your just a desperate 50 year old whose exceptionally easy to pull.

Why not respect yourself if you can't respect others.

To the OP's credit, she has repeatedly stated her fear of the fallout and consequences, were she to act on these feelings... losing her marriage, hurting her husband, acknowledging the complication of the other man being a coworker. Her consideration of the consequences is the only reason she hasn't acted on her feelings and shagged him yet. The consequences certainly haven't been enough to remotely ease the feelings though.

@Aspiringmatriarch

Honestly, infatuation can run and run! I think there's some biochemical explanation to do with intermittent rewards and their effects on the brain.

The addiction to ones own bodies chemicals is very real, and can be very addictive in the same ways any other drug is addictive. That is at least in part why some people can't break free from roller coaster relationships for example. Why going cold turkey no contact is so difficult for some people. There are very real physical withdraws because it is partly a chemical dependence.

That's also why things like infatuation tend to die down after a while for some people, and others tend to escalate. The body builds up a tolerance to its own chemical cocktail, much like how people build up tolerance to alcohol. Some people will escalate more and more into alcoholism and further, while others will just level out.

It's so nice to have a man come along and explain these things to us...

Bring it down to chemistry if you like, it's still not balanced

Ok the chemicals involved in having an affair are thrilling.
Those same chemicals or lack of them are what causes betrayed partners to spiral into depression and commit suicide.

I've never heard of suicides reported because someone was in the thows of falling in love and shagging someone they shouldn't.

Ultimately its about empathy, do you care not to cause other people pain.

Fortunately, so far, the OP's empathy and desire not to cause pain has kept her from acting on her feelings.

@samyeagar

Fortunately, so far, the OP's empathy and desire not to cause pain has kept her from acting on her feelings.

Except when she didn't shut it down the first time he touched her inappropriately... in the same room as her husband. Grim.

Don't know if you're still reading this OP, but I'm going to go back to your original question, which is how you actually deal with this and stop feeling like you do. Personally, I think there is only one thing that's going to stop your feelings for this guy, and that is time. It's a crush - a very intense crush - and in the end, it will diminish. But it could take months or longer, and YOU need to decide what happens in the meantime.

You have options. You could go NC - but you've already explained that that would be very difficult - and it may not actually stop the way you feel (though it would at least stop anything from happening). You could tell your husband how you feel - but you have to accept that that would be very hurtful to him and could risk your marriage.

If those options are too unpalatable, then you need to keep seeing this guy as much as is necessary, but change your mindset. You need to decide - today, forever - that nothing further is EVER going to happen. I'm going to give you both the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are not awful people, and that he's not a serial cheat, and that you have genuinely just been blindsided by each other. In which case, you have to effectively accept and grieve for the loss of what this fling/relationship could have been if you weren't married. You really like him, you really fancy him, and in different circumstances you'd have had a great time together - but you value your marriage and your family more. So that's it - you mentally say goodbye, you internalise your feelings, and you deal with it.

In terms of how you deal with it, I think a previous poster pages ago gave some good advice - you don't try to stop feeling the way you do, but you make this guy into a total fantasy figure. Fine, allow yourself to daydream about him, in a 'parallel universe' kind of way - the way that other women might fantasise about shagging a celebrity. But you don't ever allow that fantasy to translate into your actual behaviour. You kill the flirting dead, and you send a very clear signal to him that it has to stop. And you just sit it out and wait for the intense feelings to pass.

If you can't do that, then you're left with one of the first two options above - there is no other way. (Except carrying on as you are, which will eventually lead to you shagging him, which will destroy your marriage.)

OP, what if he’s really crap in bed? Or has sexual expectations that would make you uncomfortable? Or is just a really selfish lover who doesn’t care whether you’re satisfied? There’s no way to find out without risking everything for one potentially crap shag. Focusing on the fairly high potential for sexual disappointment might help you manage your feelings about this man.

You can't just change your feelings- but you can change how you thinknabout the way you feel and control what you do about your feelings.
At the moment you are likely projecting too much onto this man - assuming he feels as you do. He may not be quite so infatuated- he may do this a lot - or he might just enjoy your attention and interest with no more than vanity.
It is a crush and these are often embarrassing to look back on. Distract your feelings and don't validate them by feeding fantasies of how perfect he is - he really isn't! Find a better space to appreciate your DH?

Pull yourself together @NoraNellie.

We get it: you fancy him.

This is not the great love attraction you think it is. This is 100% related to how you are feeling about yourself right now. You need to address sub-conscious feelings which are probably related to your age.

You're not sixteen years old. You have agency.

Wow, didn't expect this to generate quite so much conversation! Apologies not to reply at all yesterday...internet issues and caught up with work.

There's been some really excellent advice given here and I really do appreciate everyone's advice, food for thought, and shared experience.

Some responses do seem a bit one-track - I've repeatedly said I don't want to have an affair with him and understand just how devastating the consequences of that would be. I've also said his I know his behaviour so far isn't 'okay', and neither is mine. I know this.

I'm not saying the virtual 'slaps round the face' and harsh judgements aren't beneficial - they are. But, to re-iterate, what I've really been struggling with is the impact of this attraction and chemistry on my own feelings. But as one poster usefully pointed out, feelings aren't facts. I just have to learn how to manage them and stay strong.

I think it's really easy to judge harshly if you've never been in this position. For me, it's the first time in my whole life that I haven't been 'allowed' to act on a rare attraction like this, if that makes sense. I've been with DH a very long time and have never ever had my head turned. With DH (obviously), and previous lovers/boyfriends (even longer ago!) this kind of chemistry always led somewhere. But that's what monogamy is, I know that obviously. It's just thrown me and it's hard.

Thanks again for all the advice

After being with one man for so long it must be a good feeling to know someone (who you think is attractive) finds you attractive....that needs to be 'enough' for you. That after all these years with one man you're still attractive and desirable, you haven't lost it! But the core if who you are is a faithful wife, DH is your family and that's where your value and energies must stay.

It is perfectly possible to starve a crush...you've been quietly feeding it up until now.

If you had the courage to talk to DH about it, and together cut contact with this couple it would completely end these feelings. (It's what you would want DH to do if he felt this way about another woman) However, I understand your reluctance to hurt him unnecessarily.

It is perfectly possible to starve a crush...you've been quietly feeding it up until now

I think this is spot on. OP when I said earlier you sounded passive you agreed you did feel passive wrt your feelings. But feelings are something you can control and manage and eventually change.

The fact that you've been fantasising about this guy and then wondering how you stop feeling this way towards him is the issue.

It's like you have a massive bear in the garden and you're feeding it steak every day, and then you've started a thread asking how can I get rid of the bear.

You need to treat thoughts of him as unwanted intrusive thoughts. Use lockdown as an opportunity to do this. Do not allow yourself to think about him. Google intrusive thoughts and distraction techniques. And then you'll eventually be able to see him socially again and be icily indifferent - of course you'll have to avoid being alone with him or seeing much of him at all until he's got the message.

You can do this but you have to be disciplined with yourself and determined to beat it.

@Cavagirl - thanks so much again. The bear analogy is spot on I think. The thoughts really are intrusive. Over the past week I pretty much wake up thinking about him, and I just want to it STOP. I will google techniques. I need them!

I've been thinking about this a lot this morning. The thought I've been having is that most of us probably only expect to have to make the decision to have a monogamous marriage once - ie when we get married. And at that point it's easy - you're head over heels in love, and concerns about ageing seem a long way off. But perhaps many of us will actually have to make that decision twice (or more) in our lives. And maybe that second decision is harder - when we're not quite as giddily in love as we were twenty years previously, and when the reality of going to our grave without ever kissing another man is a bit easier to comprehend. I think you're at the moment of that second decision now, OP. And although you've sort of made it (because you say you don't want an affair), you need to really make it in the full consciousness of what you're deciding, and then live by it.

@lemonleaf - thanks, and for your advice earlier in the thread.

You're right - over the course of long term relationships we might face decisions like this.

On a more general level, it's interesting. I'm not someone who runs around finding loads of people intensely attractive - it's really rare for me. Years back I had a work colleague made a big move - I was engaged at the time, he was single. I flatly turned him down, though I did find him attractive - and that felt easy enough to do. This feels about a billion times more difficult, even though the stakes are much higher.

I'm not sure if that is due to the chemistry being even more intense here or it simply being to do with the point I'm at in my life - both, probably. I wonder how often people experience situations like this in midlife. We might hear about affairs but not the attractions. Just thinking aloud now...but interesting.

Does knowing that he's a bad husband not help? He's being sleezy with other women behind his wife's back. That's deeply unattractive.

I'm not sure if that is due to the chemistry being even more intense here or it simply being to do with the point I'm at in my life - both, probably

I think you have a point here.

• It's decades (?) since you were sexual with another man.

• You're not getting any younger

• It's decades since you felt this kind of sexual desire for someone new

• You're well aware that you only have X number of years left in which you will be sexual and/or desired

• On your deathbed will you wish that you lived a more exciting life?

• You're a long time dead....

Yada yada yada

Not suggesting you are consciously thinking the above, but I'm sure as people hit mid life, that these feelings are floating around in there somewhere. That's why so many people have a mid life crisis.

The thing is, you have no limitations. You can leave your DH and have loads of sexual partners if that's what you want. Do you want that? Or do you want to grow old with your DH?

I do think this guy is a sleeze though. Like I said before, I was married to one just like him.

Yes, I agree. It's happened to me only once, a couple of years ago. Never been remotely interested in anyone else during my marriage. Like you, it was a colleague of DH - which is perhaps why I felt the urge to post. There were some differences from your situation - he was single, it wasn't so obviously reciprocated (though I'm pretty sure the attraction was mutual), and nothing ever 'happened'. But the feelings were intense, and the whole thing shook me. But the advice I gave above 'worked' in my case - the feelings didn't go away, but I was able to live with them. I never told DH, partly because it would have tainted the job that he loves, and I couldn't bear to do that. I'd say it took about a year for the feelings to fade - I still think about the other guy occasionally, but those thoughts aren't remotely intrusive any more. If it's any comfort, my relationship with DH is stronger than ever. It's almost as if the experience of meeting the other guy reawakened a part of me (let's call it the horny teenager part ) that had perhaps been a bit worn down by 20 years of marriage, and I was able to channel that back into my relationship with DH. It was hard for a time, but I've never doubted that I made the right decision in not acting on my feelings.

@SummerBlondey

Does knowing that he's a bad husband not help? He's being sleezy with other women behind his wife's back. That's deeply unattractive.

The difficulty with using this line of thought to try and break the attraction is having to internally reconcile the obvious disconnect in viewing him as sleezy while at the same time, not viewing yourself as sleezy.

@lemonleaf - thanks so much for your wisdom on this. Interesting you had such a similar experience. Do you ever see your DH's colleague socially now, and how do you find that? I'm absolutely intending to see this man less (lockdown has helped with that already), but there will be times in the future when I do.

@SummerBlondey - many ticks to your list there! It's definitely mid-life crisis stuff for sure. Interestingly over the past year or two I am pretty sure I've entered perimenopause...still having regular cycles etc but various things have changed. I'm not blaming this all on hormones but I'm sure they play a factor somewhere...

I suspect that if there was a law saying that you couldn't marry until you had had sex with at least 10 people and at least 3 previous relationships, that things like this would hardly ever happen.

Unfortunately @SummerBlondey - the number of previous partners or long term relationships prior to marriage don't seem to reduce infidelity- but I think there is more chance of marriage not ending in divorce for those that marry when older, and the younger the age when married the greater the chance of divorce - not sure about age and infidelity tho

The problem here OP is you see yourself as the victim, as though something has happened to you which you didn't want to happen and had no choice in the matter.

This fact would be true if your dh's attractive colleague had made these subtle moves (in the presence of your spouses) and you'd felt uncomfortable or declined. But fact is you've indulged in his behaviour towards you, in front of your dh, which is why there is zero sympathy.

@CherryCherries - I think quite a few posters have been sympathetic, actually - as they've either related to the situation or empathised with what's been difficult about it.

Not sure I 'see myself as a victim' either. I've said that I feel overwhelmed by my own feelings, yes, but have also repeatedly said how I take full responsibility for myself and my own actions here.