someone give me a shake and help me out of this

[NoraNellie]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Need advice on how to stop feeling like this, because it's taking up WAY too much headspace.

Here goes. DH has a work colleague. About 18 months ago we started socialising with him and his wife. We all get on really well. Kids the same age etc.

As soon as we met, I felt a strong chemistry with DH's colleague. Without meaning to sound like a stupid, starry-eyed teenager - believe me, I feel like one! - it felt pretty full on. Haven't found anyone this attractive for many years. I think he's beautiful. We get on brilliantly. Same interests, make each other laugh, blah blah....

Over the course of various dinner parties and nights out, it became clear the feeling was mutual. Lots of low level flirting, long glances. Some crossing lines with physical contact when no-one else was looking. Suggestive words when no-one was listening. Not great, I know.

Neither of our partners noticed. I think they just think we get on really well and it's a fun 'foursome'. We are both in long, solid, happy marriages. I certainly don't want to embark on affair and I don't think he does either.

Obviously, we've seen these friends a lot less since the pandemic began. Once or twice for a walk when restrictions were lifted - and I didn't feel any differently. It's almost painful. During the summer, he and his wife invited us on a weekend away, and I made up some excuse about when I could take leave to my DH because it just felt too dangerous.

We live in the same town and last week I bumped into him, alone. We couldn't stop grinning at each other. And yet again, I can't get him out of my head.

I get all the stuff about hormones in midlife, the yearning for excitement, the psychology behind it. I'm trying to be an adult here, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's driving me completely insane. I feel about 15.

How do I get over this? I'm proud of myself that I swerved the weekend away (much as part of me was desperate to go), but there will only be so many excuses I can make to avoid them etc. Plus, I don't even want to avoid them! I love their company - both him and his wife. I just need to stop feeling like this.

Advice very much appreciated.

Ok op i’m going to let you into a secret of mine. Been married 12 years. Everything gr8 in my relationship, however my head turned just like your a few times. I have fancied guys along the way felt exactly like you, it passed with time. Never acted on it. Im ina stable marraige. Please dont sabotage what yo have for a passing fancybits not worth the hassle.

@gannett - thank you. I really hope it passes soon. Last week was the first time I'd seen him in months. I'd thought about him (too much) over that time frame, but since last week it feels like he's all I think about. Finding it hard to work/sleep/eat...

You have to find a way to end it,or it will end your marriage,a friend of mine went through this and eventually had an affair it destroyed her marriage,her kids were devastated,I also think your husband will have noticed xx

@AbbeyBelfast - I'm sure it does seem like a 'cringe fest' from the outside. Believe me, I didn't want to feel like this...but equally I'm not sure making my DH upset, and ruining a friendship and a working relationship for him, is the answer here.

@Crystalvas - thanks. I don't think there's anything wrong in finding other people attractive really - I think it's almost inevitable in a long term relationship. If I could dial this down to a fun 'appreciation', I'd like that.

if DH had noticed, he would have said. Similarly, his colleague's wife is far from a meek and retiring type...if she was unhappy about something, we would know about it!
Not when it's "just" flirting.
As the dp, you see it, and you file it away in the back of your mind for future reference. You think about it, and wonder. But because you don't have any proof - no receipts, no text messages - you aren't going to say anything.

Or maybe the wife has said to her dp that he seems to really like Jack's wife. And he's told her she's imagining it / "oh no, don't start with that again" / "you're paranoid/mad".

[quote NoraNellie]@AbbeyBelfast - I'm sure it does seem like a 'cringe fest' from the outside. Believe me, I didn't want to feel like this...but equally I'm not sure making my DH upset, and ruining a friendship and a working relationship for him, is the answer here.

@Crystalvas - thanks. I don't think there's anything wrong in finding other people attractive really - I think it's almost inevitable in a long term relationship. If I could dial this down to a fun 'appreciation', I'd like that.[/quote]
Upsetting him?

That screams self preservation if I ever I heard it! How upset do you think he would be if he found out about this further down the line? You've shown the man zero respect by carrying on as you have and your reluctance to tell him is 100% about your own cowardice and 0% about upsetting him!!!

As for ruining a friendship... WHAT?! What sort of friend actively flirts and pursues his friends wife? Your husband sounds better off without both of you, frankly.

You're making a mockery of him, and rather than do the right thing you're posting on a public forum like a delusional besotted school girl rather than actually doing the adult and morally right thing.

Makes my skin crawl.

I thought about the guys i fancied alot, got excited when i saw them just like you. Your happy in your marraige as am i. Believe me it will pass. Just focus on your marraige and making it work. Believe me you wont regret it. I think its perfectly natural to fancy other people but just to let it pass like i did.

There's lots of good TED talks on overcoming limerence. Brene Brown is quite good

I don't understand the physical thing you mentioned. As in he touched the small of your back or something?

Ok... I've think I've got the answer... imagine you have the affair, respective partners never find out, but he gets bored of you and finds a new side piece, how do you feel? I think that's how it'll play out. Wouldn't be surprised if he's done this before... explains his confidence in flirting with you in front of his wife and "friend"

@tigerlily20

Ok... I've think I've got the answer... imagine you have the affair, respective partners never find out, but he gets bored of you and finds a new side piece, how do you feel? I think that's how it'll play out. Wouldn't be surprised if he's done this before... explains his confidence in flirting with you in front of his wife and "friend"

100% she is one of many he's "flirting" with. Men like that don't become as easily besotted and obsessed with one person as middle aged women seem to 🙄

Time.

Been where you are. You can't control how you feel, you can control how you act. I would make excuses not to see them, avoid them, and when you can't. Avoid speaking to him directly or alone. Do not engage, do not indulge this.

And then wait for it to pass.

@justchecking1 - thank you. I will check that out.

@AbbeyBelfast - I get that I sound pretty pathetic and as I keep saying, I'm not proud of how I feel OR what has gone on. That's why I came on here for advice about how to stop myself feeling this way, because it's driving me crazy and I'm not enjoying it.

But I don't think it's fair to say that by not telling DH I'm simply being cowardly and self-preserving. I just don't see the benefit in telling him something that's going to make him feel uncomfortable and sad. So I tell him that I fancy his colleague and I'm pretty sure he fancies me back? Not only does he have to continue working with the guy but it also instils doubt into our (broadly very happy) marriage! I'd rather work out ways to manage this privately so he doesn't get hurt and I can move on.

@NoraNellie

I think people have hit the nail on the head with how you'd feel if it was the other way around here.Imagine if it was was your DH and this blokes wife.

The only way is to go low contact with this man.Minimise the amount of time you spend with him,do not sit or stand next to him,no individual conversations with him,remove him from social media,no messaging and absolutely do not put yourself in a position where your alone with him;if you accidentally find yourself alone with him;leave the area immediately;use any excuse you need to.

He's an itch you just can't Scratch.If you want to kill that urge when you think of him picture the faces of your devastated children as you tell them mum and dad are getting divorced.

You've avoided answering a few times re what the physical contact involved (totally your prerogative) so I get the feeling you've underplayed that a bit so this sounds more like a crush and less like two people betraying both of their partners...

What do you mean by “he touched me”?

[quote NoraNellie]@justchecking1 - thank you. I will check that out.

@AbbeyBelfast - I get that I sound pretty pathetic and as I keep saying, I'm not proud of how I feel OR what has gone on. That's why I came on here for advice about how to stop myself feeling this way, because it's driving me crazy and I'm not enjoying it.

But I don't think it's fair to say that by not telling DH I'm simply being cowardly and self-preserving. I just don't see the benefit in telling him something that's going to make him feel uncomfortable and sad. So I tell him that I fancy his colleague and I'm pretty sure he fancies me back? Not only does he have to continue working with the guy but it also instils doubt into our (broadly very happy) marriage! I'd rather work out ways to manage this privately so he doesn't get hurt and I can move on.[/quote]
I'm sorry, but everything you say seems so disingenuous. You are nothing short of obsessed with this man, "grinning" at each other, sly touching of one another in the vicinity of your poor respective partners?

I've no sympathy. Your husband deserves to know what you've been doing/feeling.

I'm quite sure you know that deep down, but of course playing the tortured poor woman suits you better than doing what's right.

If you were that concerned about him, his feelings and his career then that motivation would be enough for you to nip this nonsense in the bud immediately, long before it even got to this point... but it wasn't enough was it? His feelings and what's best for him aren't enough for you to stop playing silly beggars with your marriage.

So say what you like about not wanting to upset him, your actions speak far louder than your words and show you for what you are. Self serving and a coward, frankly.

that isn't possible @popsydoodle4444
she must go on country walks and weekends away and dinner nights and actively flirt in front their partners and touch each inappropriately in secret as DH works with him.

@Almostslimjim - thanks. I hope so. It's killing me.

@AbbeyBelfast and @tigerlily20 - maybe he is a complete creep and I'm one of many middle aged women he's merrily flirting with! But that's honestly not the impression he gives. I'm not trying to suggest I'm so special here...but he just doesn't come across as some suave serial philanderer.

Tell your husband how you feel. Most of this feeling is because he's off limits and it's all a big secret feeling etc. Trust me, this man is just a human who farts and annoys his partner probably, like we all are and do. You need to climb down from the fantasy. Tell your partner, honesty is best policy 🙂

Yeah something more definitely happened on the physical side or you'd have explained what it is. Flirting and touching in front of your partners is grim.

Then tell me how does flirting with another woman infront of wife and fondling said woman behind wife's back come across? Loyal and genuine? You want to paint yourselves as star-crossed lovers, but the reality is men who do this type of thing usually see women as a pair of walking talking flaps. He doesn't care that you have similar interests that's just an opener to see if he could reel you in and shag you as a conquest. It's all part of the fun and games for cheaters.

@Prettybubblesintheair @youvegottenminuteslynn - physical? Okay. Stuff like running a hands down my back, stroking my arm, touching my knee under table, leaving his hand on mine a moment too long, moving a hair out of my face. Kissed me on the lips saying goodbye once (though not a snog). Some stuff out of sight of others, some stuff would barely be noticed as inappropriate....

There must be something, something tiny that you don't like that much about him? Something physical, something in the lilt of his voice, his laugh etc.? Focus on that, and blow it up a million times!! I had this with a work colleague once, however when I noticed he mispronounced a (relatively) simple word (think malapropism), it put me right off! Did the trick and now I just think of him as nice, but a bit dim!

[quote NoraNellie]**@Prettybubblesintheair* @youvegottenminuteslynn* - physical? Okay. Stuff like running a hands down my back, stroking my arm, touching my knee under table, leaving his hand on mine a moment too long, moving a hair out of my face. Kissed me on the lips saying goodbye once (though not a snog). Some stuff out of sight of others, some stuff would barely be noticed as inappropriate....[/quote]
Honestly what planet are you on...

So you've kissed 😂 and you are still playing it all down lol.

Tell your husband, stop this nonsense and show him some respect.