someone give me a shake and help me out of this

[NoraNellie]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Need advice on how to stop feeling like this, because it's taking up WAY too much headspace.

Here goes. DH has a work colleague. About 18 months ago we started socialising with him and his wife. We all get on really well. Kids the same age etc.

As soon as we met, I felt a strong chemistry with DH's colleague. Without meaning to sound like a stupid, starry-eyed teenager - believe me, I feel like one! - it felt pretty full on. Haven't found anyone this attractive for many years. I think he's beautiful. We get on brilliantly. Same interests, make each other laugh, blah blah....

Over the course of various dinner parties and nights out, it became clear the feeling was mutual. Lots of low level flirting, long glances. Some crossing lines with physical contact when no-one else was looking. Suggestive words when no-one was listening. Not great, I know.

Neither of our partners noticed. I think they just think we get on really well and it's a fun 'foursome'. We are both in long, solid, happy marriages. I certainly don't want to embark on affair and I don't think he does either.

Obviously, we've seen these friends a lot less since the pandemic began. Once or twice for a walk when restrictions were lifted - and I didn't feel any differently. It's almost painful. During the summer, he and his wife invited us on a weekend away, and I made up some excuse about when I could take leave to my DH because it just felt too dangerous.

We live in the same town and last week I bumped into him, alone. We couldn't stop grinning at each other. And yet again, I can't get him out of my head.

I get all the stuff about hormones in midlife, the yearning for excitement, the psychology behind it. I'm trying to be an adult here, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's driving me completely insane. I feel about 15.

How do I get over this? I'm proud of myself that I swerved the weekend away (much as part of me was desperate to go), but there will only be so many excuses I can make to avoid them etc. Plus, I don't even want to avoid them! I love their company - both him and his wife. I just need to stop feeling like this.

Advice very much appreciated.

@AbbeyBelfast - I'm all here for people telling me how it is, and I'm more than aware that I'm hardly blameless here, but I'm not sure you have to be so cross! I could have gone away for a weekend with him and his wife and done my best to orchestrate more happening...but I didn't. I just want to stop feeling like this.

@tigerlily20 - did have to chuckle at 'walking talking flaps'! Maybe. I don't think we're star crossed lovers really, just a pair of middle aged parents who find each other annoyingly attractive.

OP lots of good advice here. Your responses show how you've dressed this up in your head - he's a quiet man, a good man, a good husband, etc. And there's just this romantic love story of star-crossed lovers who sadly will have to meet in another lifetime, resisting the temptation of their true love for the greater good of their families...

I'd ask you to consider a different possible version of events:
He's a very charming, attractive man. He paints an excellent picture of the doting husband. On meeting you he's immediately picked up on the signals he's used to - a bit of lingering eye contact, he reciprocates with a secret smile for only you to see. You respond. You feel attractive, sexy, special. He knows how to work it. He reels you in. In a crowded bar, he tries his luck with a light stroke of your back, you don't push him away. Next time he plans a little brush of the hand, with a lingering look. If you respond well he'll ask you outside for a chat. You're intoxicated so you can't say no. He knows exactly how to kiss you to leave you wanting more. He's got you to cross the line now, fully, and he'll try his luck again with a message about a hotel room. He's got somewhere regular in mind.

You are one of many. He's a charming man, and he's got his game plan down perfectly. His wife hasn't said anything because she's well used to his routine, and suffers it knowing he won't leave. Once you start the full affair and the sex gets boring and you ask for more, he'll drop you and move onto the next - he's used to doing that efficiently now.

You feel like it's some great love affair waiting to happen, but be knows exactly how to behave to get you to think that so he can get you into bed. He's already proved it. He's a serial adulterer, and a womaniser, and he's played you for a fool.

Thankfully for you, lockdown prevented him executing beyond the first part. Count yourself lucky and, as PP said, control your actions first. Fake it til you make it.

Just tell your partner he kissed you on the lips when he said goodbye before and you feel weird about it and don't wish to have anymore social contact with them but you don't want there to be an atmosphere at work as you think it was an accident/he didn't mean anything by it. You don't have to mention you want to shag him too. Sorted.

@tigerlily20

Then tell me how does flirting with another woman infront of wife and fondling said woman behind wife's back come across? Loyal and genuine? You want to paint yourselves as star-crossed lovers, but the reality is men who do this type of thing usually see women as a pair of walking talking flaps. He doesn't care that you have similar interests that's just an opener to see if he could reel you in and shag you as a conquest. It's all part of the fun and games for cheaters.

This 100%

Well, if you don't see that touching and kissing as sleazy and creepy already, nothing I say is going to make you see it that way 😂

he just doesn't come across as some suave serial philanderer
My exh was flirting with various women before he started his affair - some things were eerily similar. He's the last person you would call suave. He wasn't even really a serial philanderer. Just gradually building his way up to an affair.

@mildlymiffed - ugh. I wish there was something I disliked.

And just to say with the physical stuff - I have questioned whether it's all in my head and I'm making a mountain of a mildly flirtatious molehill. It's not like he's pinned me up against a wall or anything.

I have questioned whether it's all in my head and I'm making a mountain of a mildly flirtatious molehill.
Yeah, right 😂 hands on your knee, kiss on the lips, nothing to see here ...

Don’t discount the fact that they are actually swingers and they are scoping you out.
Yes I had this happen to me with someone I met at work and considered her and her DP close friends. We went everywhere together as a four.

Then they started laying the groundwork, Ex DH and I said no, and they completely ghosted us after two years of friendship. Swinging had been the aim all along. Never saw them again

@ravenmum - it honestly wasn't 'kissing'! It was just a peck, really. It COULD just be slightly over tactile and not grossly inappropriate (though I acknowledge that no other male friends have touched me like that), and I'm making a bigger deal about it because I find him so attractive.

Is this thread just so you can talk about what you've been up to?
Have fun with that.

I have questioned whether it's all in my head and I'm making a mountain of a mildly flirtatious molehill.

Really? because if a man kissed me on the lips while I was in a long term relationship, he'd get a knee in the bollocks, whether I fancied him or not.

I actually had some sympathy for you before you wrote about the physical stuff that has happened between you

I feel like this about other men sometimes but I'm a grown up and I don't act on it.

@StormBaby oooh plot twist, do you think the wife is secretly making moves on your DH op? How would you feel?

@ravenmum that's what I thought, mentionitis. Not taking onboard/rebuffing any advice

[quote NoraNellie]**@Prettybubblesintheair* @youvegottenminuteslynn* - physical? Okay. Stuff like running a hands down my back, stroking my arm, touching my knee under table, leaving his hand on mine a moment too long, moving a hair out of my face. Kissed me on the lips saying goodbye once (though not a snog). Some stuff out of sight of others, some stuff would barely be noticed as inappropriate....[/quote]
Thought so. Plenty more than the sort of doe eyed star crossed lovers picture you tried to paint.

You're both being vile to your partners.

Maybe focus on how horrible his behaviour is to make him less attractive.

And also focus on how horrible yours is to try and not break your husbands heart.

Imagine if your husband was doing this with one of your mates. How would you honestly feel? Would you feel devastated and betrayed? If no, leave your husband. If yes, find some way of not spending time with this man.

If you two were alone in a room together then something would happen.

You say your husband has picked up on people flirting with you before but hasn't with this guy. Presumably that's because he trusts you and this guy to not be flirting and touching each other.

That probably all sounds really harsh but you're being so shitty to your husband.

Honestly if you found out his wife or your husband was doing this how would you feel? He is doing this under his wife's nose. How do you not find that creepy. And why the heck do you seem to think you are the first? If he would so easily do this under his wife's nose what is he like drunk on a night out? That is not the sign of a solid marriage when he is touching up another woman in the kitchen. Get a fucking grip. You ain't the first and you won't be the last. But it may be the last of your marriage

I wish there was something I disliked.

Maybe that he's a prick?

@stormbaby - interesting angle! I can't see it somehow.

@Summerstorms - the 'kiss' thing honestly sounds worse than it was. I have female friends who might peck me on the lips goodbye at the end of a boozy night, it actually didn't seem like that a big deal. Tbh the other stuff felt more edgy.

Lol at foursome whoever said that!

OP, he farts and shits like everyone else - this crush only feels so intense because long term, solid relationships can feel boring, and covid is the most boring thing ever, so that's not bound to shake off the unwanted crush!

Also I love how you think he wouldn't normally do this or this is the first time he's been a flirt outside his marriage as he's shy and quiet. In my experience the quiet ones are just as bad 😁

Someone who is unfaithful/disprespectful to their wife is unattractive in my opinion, regardless of looks. People who flirt with others whilst in a relationship usually do so with multiple people, I learned that their behaviour did not make me special, I was merely a statistic and I'm so glad I learned this in my early twenties. This whole thread smacks of a mid-life crisis.

@NoraNellie neither could I with this couple until the man started dropping hints! I was shocked. If I’d fancied him, I’d have been in the exact same position as you I’m sure.

This bloke is playing you like a violin. You won't be the first middle-aged woman he's dabbled with, and once he's shagged you, the secret lingering glances and clandestine touches will all stop and he will treat you with derision and possibly ridicule. You're NOT star crossed lovers, you're nothing to him beyond the vague chance of a bit of extra marital fun. Stop glamorising the man and thinking he is a worthy individual. He's a sleazy creep and so are you.

Very strange that your husband and his wife haven't picked up on any of these 'subtle' physical interactions or the chemistry between ye. Perhaps they are at the same thing ?!

@youvegottenminuteslynn - really not sure that I tried to paint us as 'doe eyed star crossed lovers'. I said in my OP that we crossed physical lines and it wasn't great and I wasn't proud of it.

@beantrader - you might well be right there. I don't know - I guess I mean he doesn't exactly act like a player ALL the time. It's not like he's doing this if we're out on a walk with our kids etc.

@tigerlily20 - he could well be flirting with lots of people, of course. It could well not be the same for this guy - however, in a way I don't really care about that. I just want to stop feeling like this.

From my side, this chemistry feels horribly unusual. Over the course of my (long) marriage to DH I've only ever had eyes for him. And - I don't mean this boastfully - I've come across the odd flirtatious colleague or whatever. One expressed his feelings/ made a move at an Xmas party, and I told him gently to get lost. So I don't think it's just about me relishing the attention here, but yes I think perimenopausal hormones come into it, as does pandemic boredom possibly (though this started a while before the latter happened).

Op did he put his hand on your knee whilst all four of you were sat at the table?

If so then that's awful! A man who puts his hand on another womans knee at the table whilst his wife and her dp is present is just shit behaviour and not someone to be desired! Imagine if your dp put his hand on his friends wife's knee!

Op he's enjoying the thrill and the secrecy. As soon as there's no thrill in it men like that disappear fast! I'll be blunt and say gain some self respect and stop playing into the hands of a player! He's enjoying the buzz and isn't sat at home beating himself up on his behaviour believe me...

How would you feel if your husband felt the same way and had behaved the same way with this man's wife?