someone give me a shake and help me out of this

[NoraNellie]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Need advice on how to stop feeling like this, because it's taking up WAY too much headspace.

Here goes. DH has a work colleague. About 18 months ago we started socialising with him and his wife. We all get on really well. Kids the same age etc.

As soon as we met, I felt a strong chemistry with DH's colleague. Without meaning to sound like a stupid, starry-eyed teenager - believe me, I feel like one! - it felt pretty full on. Haven't found anyone this attractive for many years. I think he's beautiful. We get on brilliantly. Same interests, make each other laugh, blah blah....

Over the course of various dinner parties and nights out, it became clear the feeling was mutual. Lots of low level flirting, long glances. Some crossing lines with physical contact when no-one else was looking. Suggestive words when no-one was listening. Not great, I know.

Neither of our partners noticed. I think they just think we get on really well and it's a fun 'foursome'. We are both in long, solid, happy marriages. I certainly don't want to embark on affair and I don't think he does either.

Obviously, we've seen these friends a lot less since the pandemic began. Once or twice for a walk when restrictions were lifted - and I didn't feel any differently. It's almost painful. During the summer, he and his wife invited us on a weekend away, and I made up some excuse about when I could take leave to my DH because it just felt too dangerous.

We live in the same town and last week I bumped into him, alone. We couldn't stop grinning at each other. And yet again, I can't get him out of my head.

I get all the stuff about hormones in midlife, the yearning for excitement, the psychology behind it. I'm trying to be an adult here, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's driving me completely insane. I feel about 15.

How do I get over this? I'm proud of myself that I swerved the weekend away (much as part of me was desperate to go), but there will only be so many excuses I can make to avoid them etc. Plus, I don't even want to avoid them! I love their company - both him and his wife. I just need to stop feeling like this.

Advice very much appreciated.

You're

Indulge* Jesus I can't even write, I shouldn't be giving advice, I'll see myself out

Overwhelming chemistry is just...aaargh, isn't it? I had one like this and I was obsessed. Fortunately I was single, but it was complicated in other ways. It took me ages to get over, I think the chemicals and hormones and emotions and fantasies can end up lasting longer when it's someone out of reach, too. I do think the only thing you can do is avoid him as completely as possible and work on thinking rationally about it even if your emotions are screaming at you. I know that's hard. It's a bit like coming off a drug I think. Real life can seem flat in comparison, for a while.
Honestly though, are you sure he's not the tiniest bit sleazy? With the little looks and touches? There's a good chance he's got form for this sort of behaviour.

I personally would NOT tell your husband or ask his help in this. Aside from opening up a can of worms it's not really fair on him. If my DP told me he was struggling with a crush on a friend that he couldn't control I just wouldn't know what I'd be meant to do with that information.

@Melminiani - yes, good advice. I'll try internally shouting 'dopamine!' ...it's such a big part of it, all these stupid pheremones flying about.

@ButterMeUpScotty and @HomicidalPsychoJungleCat - I get the logic but a) it would hurt DH so much. b) he still has to work with him.

@ravenmum - yes, he touched me. He was the first one to cross that physical line but in all honesty, it didn't surprise me because of how we'd been looking at each other. I also didn't stop him. Aware I should have done

I didn't mean to tell your dh you fancy this guy - if anything, say that you think the other guy is flirting and you find it creepy. That way your dh will be alerted to the danger and you have a good reason not to see them any more. Also if the story does come out, you will already have an alibi, in advance.

What was it, a hand on the waist? Or something creepier?

Gannett, it would be better than you subsequently telling him you had slept with someone else. If she tells the DH it stops it dead...because this isnt going to stop any other way than her telling her DH or further crossing the line. In her head she’s already being unfaithful, and there have been physical touches. In that obsessional phase every logical thought goes out the window and the oine is so, so easily crossed despite knowing what you can lose. Telling her dh is her only chance of not going there. Trust me.

@SandysMam

He sounds like a creep for flirting in front of his wife. He is probably already shagging his secretary. Anyone that would entertain this is not a good person, I would cut them off, lockdown is the perfect time. Tell your DH you find them boring and him a bit creepy...which in reality, he is!!!

Yeah it's all his fault.

Well, it's clearly not all his fault, but if OP sees him as a sleazeball it might be honestly offputting.

I agree it sounds like you are making excuses to keep seeing them - I get you can't completely cut it off, but it's your DH's colleague, not yours. Certainly make excuses to avoid anything like a walk, dinner party etc. etc. If you ever have to be in group situations, have an escape tactic ready in case you wind up alone with him.

Would it help to think of him as 'the one who got away' or 'the backup plan'? I have a good friend I've always had chemistry with but I'd already met DH at the time I met him. We don't flirt or anything though so maybe it's one sided. But anyway, I try not to feel bad for having chemistry/crushes, but instead think of him as a 'if I'd never met DH' or 'if DH and I ever split up' kind of person. Not as a 'maybe we'll accidentally kiss and shag and it will be so amazing and I want him so much' kind of person. Might reframing help?

@ravenmum

What was it, a hand on the waist? Or something creepier?

You seem determined to find a way to paint it as all on him.

@Bluegrass - that's a good analogy there. It does feel really intoxicating and I'll be totally honest, it took a lot of strength to make an excuse about that weekend. Because - a big part of me WANTED to go. Part of me is absolutely desperate to sleep with him. But none of me wants to hurt my DH, my kids, or ruin the friendship I have with his wife. I just want to stop the wanting.

@ravenmum - a good point. Though from everything I've seen between him and his wife, I don't think he wants to have an affair either. Honestly. I do genuinely think he's a good man, and they have a good solid marriage.

Op, ive been you. I didn't tell DH. Ive destroyed my family and my security. I never believed myself capable of such selfishness or cruelty, and yet here i am. I don’t recognise myself, and its broken the people i love, and me. Though i deserve everything I’m going through...my family doesn’t. My dh has met someone else, im hoping she treats him better than I did. I know her. Its beyond painful, but I put myself there. Ive lost a lot of friends. It happened so shockingly easily, and id been telling myself for ages to forget it, to resist it. It only takes one encounter. If i had told DH we could have worked things though, or at least parted fairly for him. I will never not regret that.
Please realise, its so dangerous the ground you are on now...you are already essentially having an affair if you have admitted feelings and there have been physical elements...its so easy to slip each tiny step forward...even for people who consider themselves moral and loyal and faithful. I’d never even looked at another guy in 20 years...and suddenly BAM. It was overwhelming. Now my life is fucked.please dont be me.

In terms of unwanted crushes something that's helped me a few times is to give into the fantasy - entirely in my head. Let my brain go there with them.

Sometimes this means seeing them in the flesh afterwards is underwhelming, because my brain fantasised something greater than the reality. Sometimes it's awkward, like when you have a sex dream about someone - though this is good in terms of avoiding any actions. Sometimes my brain actually interrupts the fantasy because I suddenly feel guilty about DP and pours cold water on it all.

I hesitate to recommend that as I can see how it might backfire though.

But anyway, I try not to feel bad for having chemistry/crushes, but instead think of him as a 'if I'd never met DH' or 'if DH and I ever split up' kind of person. Not as a 'maybe we'll accidentally kiss and shag and it will be so amazing and I want him so much' kind of person

Yes I've done this a couple of times as well.

Yes I had a situation similar, luckily nothing happened, turned out he had lots of form for it and was seeing someone else during his wife’s pregnancy.
Some people are serial flirts.
Avoid.

@notalwaysalondoner - interesting. I'd like to reframe it. I don't think there's anything fundamentally terribly wrong with finding another person attractive - we're married, not dead. I'd be happy if this were just a fun breezy flirtation, but in my head, it feels a lot more preoccupying.

I also don't think it's remotely 'all his fault' - and it's entirely possible that (despite the flirting and crossed boundaries) that he hasn't given this a fraction of the headspace I have.

@HomicidalPsychoJungleCat - thank you so much for your honesty. It is what I need to hear. I'm sorry it's been a difficult situation for you.

You seem determined to find a way to paint it as all on him
Nonsense, read my posts if you're that interested in what I'm saying.

@gannett - hmmmm. I've definitely gone there with the fantasies. Not sure it's helped in all honesty

One thing I think that IS a help - without meaning to sound like I have no control over this - is that I don't think there will be too many opportunities for this to escalate, if that makes sense. Inappropriate flirting at a party is one thing, a full on affair is another...if we were the ones working together, I think it would be a LOAD more dangerous.

But I just want to stop thinking/dreaming/fantasising, argh...how can I switch this off?!!

in all honesty, it didn't surprise me because of how we'd been looking at each other.

Yeah. Your respective spouses have noticed. Believe me.

@ravenmum - I don't think you're painting it all on him, don't worry. I think I'm just as much to blame

I've definitely gone there with the fantasies. Not sure it's helped in all honesty

Yup, forget I said anything then. Definitely not a one-size-fits-all technique, that.

Honestly the best thing might be to just accept that this IS difficult and to trust that it will pass - just like a teenage crush. These chemicals are devilish things and you can't expect to switch them off just like that.

But I've never known or heard of this kind of crush, if not acted on, stay at this kind of peak of intensity for a really long period of time. Just keep up with the self-control in terms of your actions, keep reminding yourself that's what matters and you're in control, and let it burn itself out.

@MarylinMonrue - honestly, if DH had noticed, he would have said. Similarly, his colleague's wife is far from a meek and retiring type...if she was unhappy about something, we would know about it!

Aware we're all in lockdown and nights like this feel very remote - but think about parties/nights in a crowded bar or restaurant/dinner parties with a bunch of people, particularly when a lot of booze is involved! - you're not watching your partner's every move. I think it's possible to have a conversation or 'moment' without drawing attention.

Not saying it's right, but it's possible.

What an absolute cringe fest.

It's simple:

Tell your husband what you've told us, apologise, and both of you cut back contact.

But you won't do that, because you are so thirsty you can't bare to think about going without the attention.

It's pathetic. Grow and do the right thing, this fantasy nonsense will only end in tears.