someone give me a shake and help me out of this

[NoraNellie]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Need advice on how to stop feeling like this, because it's taking up WAY too much headspace.

Here goes. DH has a work colleague. About 18 months ago we started socialising with him and his wife. We all get on really well. Kids the same age etc.

As soon as we met, I felt a strong chemistry with DH's colleague. Without meaning to sound like a stupid, starry-eyed teenager - believe me, I feel like one! - it felt pretty full on. Haven't found anyone this attractive for many years. I think he's beautiful. We get on brilliantly. Same interests, make each other laugh, blah blah....

Over the course of various dinner parties and nights out, it became clear the feeling was mutual. Lots of low level flirting, long glances. Some crossing lines with physical contact when no-one else was looking. Suggestive words when no-one was listening. Not great, I know.

Neither of our partners noticed. I think they just think we get on really well and it's a fun 'foursome'. We are both in long, solid, happy marriages. I certainly don't want to embark on affair and I don't think he does either.

Obviously, we've seen these friends a lot less since the pandemic began. Once or twice for a walk when restrictions were lifted - and I didn't feel any differently. It's almost painful. During the summer, he and his wife invited us on a weekend away, and I made up some excuse about when I could take leave to my DH because it just felt too dangerous.

We live in the same town and last week I bumped into him, alone. We couldn't stop grinning at each other. And yet again, I can't get him out of my head.

I get all the stuff about hormones in midlife, the yearning for excitement, the psychology behind it. I'm trying to be an adult here, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's driving me completely insane. I feel about 15.

How do I get over this? I'm proud of myself that I swerved the weekend away (much as part of me was desperate to go), but there will only be so many excuses I can make to avoid them etc. Plus, I don't even want to avoid them! I love their company - both him and his wife. I just need to stop feeling like this.

Advice very much appreciated.

What have you put in place to deal with this then OP? As you had quite a lot of advice and people shared experiences. You could have booked a session with a private counsellor maybe by now to get the ball rolling? You're waking up thinking about your husbands mate who touches you up under the table in front of him - willpower alone isn't going to cut it. I really think counselling would be a good idea.

My advice, for what it’s worth, is to acknowledge these feelings, to tell yourself they will pass, in time. Avoid situations when you are alone with him. Do NOT allow yourself to touch him under the table or whatever is is you were doing. Exercise self control. It’s bloody hard but you can do it, if you want to. You are not some giddy teenager with little life experience. You are an adult, married to someone whom you presumably love. Remind yourself of this. How would you feel if the tables were turned!!

[quote NoraNellie]**@AbbeyBelfast - I'm all here for people telling me how it is, and I'm more than aware that I'm hardly blameless here, but I'm not sure you have to be so cross! I could have gone away for a weekend with him and his wife and done my best to orchestrate more happening...but I didn't. I just want to stop feeling like this.

@tigerlily20 - did have to chuckle at 'walking talking flaps'! Maybe. I don't think we're star crossed lovers really, just a pair of middle aged parents who find each other annoyingly attractive.[/quote]
@AbbeyBelfast
Your right in your comments,but you are being harsh on op . If she was such a horrible woman she wouldn't be posting for help here I think she'd be after sticking her tongue down his throat by now. This sounds like you've been burned yourself as your very riled up 😤
Not having a pop at you At all btw xx

OP - have a read of AnotherVice’s posts on the APFree21 thread - the devastation she has caused with her affair is heartbreaking for her and her family.

Op this reminds me of a situation within my marriage, long time ago, we had been together over 10 years at that point.

My husband had arranged a buisness collegue to our home to discuss them venturing into a joint project/enterprise. This man knocked at our door and I answered, well can I say this man was the most attractive creature I've ever seen, apart from my husband. Seriously he should have been on the silver screen. Anyway he came they talked and he went away.
His second visit, same happened, I answered the door and upon saying hello, he winked at me.
That was it, for me, that one action showed me everything I needed to know about him, I never told my husband, didn't need to.

I suggested that going into buisness with him didn't feel right, I didn't trust him as a person. He disrespected my husband and me, he probably thought flirting with me would have cemented his joint venture as I would encourage the buisness to develop.
He was so self assured.

He was wrong, be the person who doesn't fawn over him, cease contact, there are ways of telling your husband he makes you feel uncomfortable without accusing him of being a letch.
But I don't think you want to do that do you? your excuses show how little you care for your husbands feelings.

You are being selfish, you have already been unfaithful, disloyal and disrespectful, I'm sure if your husband read this post it would break his heart.
Do you not care about that?