someone give me a shake and help me out of this

[NoraNellie]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Need advice on how to stop feeling like this, because it's taking up WAY too much headspace.

Here goes. DH has a work colleague. About 18 months ago we started socialising with him and his wife. We all get on really well. Kids the same age etc.

As soon as we met, I felt a strong chemistry with DH's colleague. Without meaning to sound like a stupid, starry-eyed teenager - believe me, I feel like one! - it felt pretty full on. Haven't found anyone this attractive for many years. I think he's beautiful. We get on brilliantly. Same interests, make each other laugh, blah blah....

Over the course of various dinner parties and nights out, it became clear the feeling was mutual. Lots of low level flirting, long glances. Some crossing lines with physical contact when no-one else was looking. Suggestive words when no-one was listening. Not great, I know.

Neither of our partners noticed. I think they just think we get on really well and it's a fun 'foursome'. We are both in long, solid, happy marriages. I certainly don't want to embark on affair and I don't think he does either.

Obviously, we've seen these friends a lot less since the pandemic began. Once or twice for a walk when restrictions were lifted - and I didn't feel any differently. It's almost painful. During the summer, he and his wife invited us on a weekend away, and I made up some excuse about when I could take leave to my DH because it just felt too dangerous.

We live in the same town and last week I bumped into him, alone. We couldn't stop grinning at each other. And yet again, I can't get him out of my head.

I get all the stuff about hormones in midlife, the yearning for excitement, the psychology behind it. I'm trying to be an adult here, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's driving me completely insane. I feel about 15.

How do I get over this? I'm proud of myself that I swerved the weekend away (much as part of me was desperate to go), but there will only be so many excuses I can make to avoid them etc. Plus, I don't even want to avoid them! I love their company - both him and his wife. I just need to stop feeling like this.

Advice very much appreciated.

I have a (male) friend who went through something similar. He and a friends wife were going a bit of flirting, touching etc. There were a couple of kisses but no more than that. They thought they were being subtle but of course they weren't really and both his wife and the other husband noticed.
It eventually split him and his wife up. He now lives on his own, sees his kids every other weekend and never sees his former friend or his wife. The whole thing is a mess.
That is what lies ahead for you if you don't control yourself. Please don't do this. It will end very badly.

You are in control and you won’t change it until you want to

Try to figure out why you don’t want to?

I’m being serious. Why don’t you want to stop doing something that is immoral and would hurt people you claim to love (your husband) and care for (his wife)?

Why are your crush emotions and sexy feelings more important?

Are you actually deeply insecure? Are you unsatisfied sexually? Are you in a rut with life? Are you running away from adult responsibilities?

You’ve got the answer and the solutions. In you. Find them.

Try thinking about all the things you love about your DH. Focus your feelings on him instead. Think about everything you've gone through together. If you can't & you are enjoying the illicit crush too much go and talk it through with a counsellor / therapist before you take it too far. Avoiding him isn't going to work & in any case he's taken up a fantasy role in your imagination - you need to separate that from the real person who is no doubt as imperfect as everyone else. Put yourself in his wife's shoes and see him through that lens for a second - flirting with his best mates wife right under her nose. Not such a great guy from that pint of view.

@arethereanyleftatall - no need to apologise at all. Brutal is what I really need right now. I'm sorry to hear about your ex. I'm totally aware of what I stand to lose should this escalate. I'm not willing to let that happen, but I'm feeling pretty angry with myself for feeling like this. It's just such a waste of time and headspace, but I can't seem to shake it.

@Robin233 - you might well be right and he behaves this way with a lot of women. That said, he generally seems quite socially shy and works in a pretty male dominated industry, so....

@michaelbaubles - I've thought about this. Of course a very long relationship (been with DH 20 years!) isn't going to have the fluttery excitement of a new one. But I'm not sure there's anything 'missing' from our relationship as such. We've had our ups and downs and share of stress and disagreements like any couple, but I still fancy him, the sex is still good, he's a great dad etc.

@MrsVogon - it sort of feels like we both have a crush on each other. Know we've crossed lines. Not proud of it.

@gannett - brilliant advice, thank you. Self control and willpower certainly aren't my best qualities in general, so this is testing for me Very aware I have no choice here though.

@MrsMoastyToasty - tried that. Still desperate to kiss him.

Tell your husband that you think he fancies you.

@NoraNellie
No need to be sorry. Turns out being single is blooming marvellous. Means I get to indulge in crushes like your one guilt free!

Good luck. Another thought I had for you was to maybe google more stories like my exes, ie people who bitterly regret folllowing through with their crush. don't something like 95% of relationships which start from affairs fail?

Also, read some stories about affairs from the POV of the people who are cheated on - how they had to go on anti-depressants, how they thought about killing themselves. That sort of thing.

@TwoSwans - yes. I've thought about the kids. Thought about what their faces would look like if I told them me and daddy were breaking up, how it would devastate them. I know what the reality of this getting out of hand would be. I try to focus on that - but it doesn't stop me finding this other man so attractive. I just want to stop feeling like this.

@Isadora2007 - I don't want these feelings to be more important, and I'm really trying for them not to take over. I've thought a lot about the 'why' here. I don't think I'm insecure or stuck in a rut, but I'm sure there's a big degree of perimenopausal hormones kicking in and enjoying the spark 'in the moment'. However, I really dislike how much I'm thinking about this. It seems very hard to turn my feelings off, however hard I try.

@ravenmum. I did think about telling DH. I actually thought about telling him how I felt (but then couldn't bring myself to, as I KNOW it would hurt him immensely). I also thought about telling him I think that his colleague finds me attractive - less hurtful, but still seemed unfair. Why should I burden him with this?

Interestingly DH has picked up on other men's flirtations once or twice in the past and would always mention it. It's interesting/odd he doesn't seem to see this - but I'm pleased he doesn't.

It seems very hard to turn my feelings off, however hard I try.
If you are honestly unable to control yourself, cosider leaving your husband first.

When I thought my dh just had a crush on his colleague, I actually told him to leave me first, if he wanted someone else. Turned out later they'd been sleeping together for months by that point, but if he had left me, I wouldn't have had to go through months and months of seeing what was probably going on, and him denying it. Even our dd guessed.

I bet your husband already suspects something's up. How old are your children? Are they likely to guess too?

(And yes, it is "interesting" that he hasn't mentioned it in this case, when you've been flirting too.)

@arethereanyleftatall - lovely that you're enjoying being single again! Good advice to look up the impact. I'll do that.

I suppose the real problem is though - I know all the reasons why having an affair would be devastating and wrong. I'm not going to have an affair. I know all that...and it's enough to stop me DOING anything with him (or anything else - I know we've already crossed lines and it's NOT good). But it's not enough to stop me feeling the way I do.

Every time you see him, sit and imagine your dh on ADs, your children telling him the messages they saw on your phone, his wife calling you a slag - or just think of a big pile of shit - maybe, like Pavlov's salivating dogs, you can train your brain to associate him with something disgusting.

I'm so sorry that you feel like this. It must be really hard for you. It's easy to get addicted to the rush of lust, that's for sure. No advice, just some sympathy.

@ravenmum. Hmmmm. DH really isn't the type to keep stuff in, particularly if he's feeling worried or insecure about something. I think he just sees his colleague as a good guy and a friend.

Colleague is a bit older (not decades but a few years) and I don't know if that has an impact. It just doesn't seem to occur to DH that I might find him attractive...

I know you mentioned chemical attraction up thread and I wonder if it would be helpful to focus on this a little more. What you (both) are feeling is just chemicals. That’s all it is. Chemicals bouncing around and off each other. Nothing to compare to the deep long lasting love and commitment that you and your husband have for each other, the lovely family you have worked so hard to build together.

Every time you think of the friend, let off a little alarm in your head and internally shout out something like ‘it’s nothing more than chemicals!’. I know it sounds slightly odd, but it might help de-mystify him and the feelings that you have for him; they currently seem to be inhabiting a slight internal shrine, so maybe this will help to shift that worshipful feeling...?

@jellington - thanks. I just want the feelings to GO. It feels closest to an unrequited teenage crush, even though the feelings seem to be mutual and we are far from being teenagers. But it feels painful in a similar sense - nothing can happen here.

How did this physical contact come about? Did he touch you?

Do tell your husband, and then you can stop having to make excuses about why you can’t meet up. You need to focus on your marriage. I was you once and thank god saw sense in the nick of time-I feel sick to think what would’ve happened if I hadn’t. It would have destroyed my lovely, kind and generous husband and he doesn’t deserve it. If you have a wedding video, watch it. Replay the vows over and over. They mean something.

Its a completely overwhelming chemistry that will, if you allow it, completely destroy your life as it is now. I have been there. Please talk to your dh now about this before it becomes something else. Be honest with him, tell him you are explaining because the alternative would be 1000 times worse, and then work through it together. I can promise you it is easier than the alternative.

And you keep telling yourself that you're not going to have an affair. But you've already admitted crossing lines. Its where it starts, tiny steps you know are wrong but you feel so overwhelmed by the feelings. Honestly op, you are right on the brink, please, please talk to your dh.

@ravenmum - I'm trying. Really. I've been trying ever since the first evening we met...and there have been times where the four of us have been together and everyone acts 'normal'. I thought lockdown would help too - a bit of distance blah blah. But since I saw him the other day I just feel....OH GOD

The reason you can’t get him out of your head is because he reciprocates. The world is full of attractive people but most of the time we don’t think twice about them because as far as we know they don’t feel the same about us, or there is no chance of ever getting to know them well enough to find out. No possibility- brain moves on.

The problem here is that you both signalled to each other how you felt. That was a bad idea. Now, instead of just moving on your brain keeps saying “but it could happen, if we both decided to, it could really actually happen”.

Possibilities like that can feel intoxicating. It’s like the moment you stand near the edge of a cliff and suddenly realise that there is nothing to stop you throwing yourself off apart from your own decision not to do it. That thought can give you a weird rush of adrenaline and power, it can leave you shaky just at the thought of that terrible possibility, narrowly averted by nothing more than a decision.

I think your brain is hooked on that same rush, it wants to keep exploring it. It is enjoying the excitement and adrenaline of realising that it is only your decision that is stopping something massive from happening in your life. But it’s a thought that is also all wrapped up in rather self indulgent fantasy (like the heroine in a novel you are just swept away by passion, caught in a storm not of your own choosing... etc etc).

Until you really believe, heart and soul, that the consequences of flirting with this possibility are just as disastrous for you as stepping off that cliff (at least in terms of the damage you will cause to your family) you won’t move on.

Or did you touch him?

Remember that you know that you don't want to have an affair. But you don't know what he's thinking. You've led him on, what if he boils your bunnies? Or what if he starts writing you sexy messages?
If the stuff so far comes out, and he says you've been flirting with him too, could you deny that realistically?

I think you're making excuses to keep in contact, which is worrying. I also think your downplaying the intelligence of your husband and friend, they've definitely noticed. You're probably not that subtle, don't flatter and indulgence yourself anymore than you already are by pretending that only you and the other man are of the emotional intelligence to notice these nuances between the two of you. If your husband really hasn't noticed, the wife of other man has, it's like a sixth sense with most women, self-preservation. If you don't want to tell your husband your true feelings then tell his wife, she'll sort it.