someone give me a shake and help me out of this

[NoraNellie]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Need advice on how to stop feeling like this, because it's taking up WAY too much headspace.

Here goes. DH has a work colleague. About 18 months ago we started socialising with him and his wife. We all get on really well. Kids the same age etc.

As soon as we met, I felt a strong chemistry with DH's colleague. Without meaning to sound like a stupid, starry-eyed teenager - believe me, I feel like one! - it felt pretty full on. Haven't found anyone this attractive for many years. I think he's beautiful. We get on brilliantly. Same interests, make each other laugh, blah blah....

Over the course of various dinner parties and nights out, it became clear the feeling was mutual. Lots of low level flirting, long glances. Some crossing lines with physical contact when no-one else was looking. Suggestive words when no-one was listening. Not great, I know.

Neither of our partners noticed. I think they just think we get on really well and it's a fun 'foursome'. We are both in long, solid, happy marriages. I certainly don't want to embark on affair and I don't think he does either.

Obviously, we've seen these friends a lot less since the pandemic began. Once or twice for a walk when restrictions were lifted - and I didn't feel any differently. It's almost painful. During the summer, he and his wife invited us on a weekend away, and I made up some excuse about when I could take leave to my DH because it just felt too dangerous.

We live in the same town and last week I bumped into him, alone. We couldn't stop grinning at each other. And yet again, I can't get him out of my head.

I get all the stuff about hormones in midlife, the yearning for excitement, the psychology behind it. I'm trying to be an adult here, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's driving me completely insane. I feel about 15.

How do I get over this? I'm proud of myself that I swerved the weekend away (much as part of me was desperate to go), but there will only be so many excuses I can make to avoid them etc. Plus, I don't even want to avoid them! I love their company - both him and his wife. I just need to stop feeling like this.

Advice very much appreciated.

Grow up and get past the fantasy.

So you get the fantasy and you have the most amazing sex. It likely would be incredible. What’s next...

Most likely, you will feel very short term elation, he will have sex with you until he is bored and then he will go back to his wife.

You will feel used and rejected. Your marriage will likely be over and your husband irreversibly hurt and devastated.

Some day dreams are best kept as just that, day dreams. Save your dignity and behave.

Imagine him as a player, after many women. If he’s flirting with you then he’s likely flirting with or shagging others.

He's enjoying the buzz and isn't sat at home beating himself up on his behaviour believe me...
No, he's beating himself off. Probably also got his own thread going!

@BeTheHokeyMan - possibly! That said, I have sometimes picked up on when DH has found other people mildly attractive, and in those instances we've had a laugh about it and moved on. I don't detect that here.

@MaelyssQ - hmmm. He might well be a sleazy creep who does this the whole time, and like I've repeatedly said - I dislike how I feel here and I'm trying to move on from it.

But isn't it possible that two happily married people might find each other uncomfortably attractive? And cross lines after a few drinks but regret it and know that they wouldn't go further? Does that make us both total monsters? Again, I'm not justifying anything here but I'm not sure we can be quite so black and white about things all the time.

[quote NoraNellie]@BeTheHokeyMan - possibly! That said, I have sometimes picked up on when DH has found other people mildly attractive, and in those instances we've had a laugh about it and moved on. I don't detect that here.

@MaelyssQ - hmmm. He might well be a sleazy creep who does this the whole time, and like I've repeatedly said - I dislike how I feel here and I'm trying to move on from it.

But isn't it possible that two happily married people might find each other uncomfortably attractive? And cross lines after a few drinks but regret it and know that they wouldn't go further? Does that make us both total monsters? Again, I'm not justifying anything here but I'm not sure we can be quite so black and white about things all the time.[/quote]
Jesus Christ, you don't want to listen, do you?

You say you're two grown ups who find each other attractive but know it would go no further...

Earlier you were waxing lyrical about squirming out of weekend plans with them in the summer because you essentially couldn't trust yourself!

This whole thread is some bizarre fantasy ego stroking thing.

You're delusional. I pity your husband.

What do you want to gain from this thread? Affirmation that he fancies you? That's it's all harmless? What has happened is already harmful, you are minimising what has happened, deflecting because dp has previously found other women attractive and you have joked about it. There's nothing wrong with thinking other people are attractive, there's everything wrong with playing footsie under the table especially with partners present. Honestly, I would leave someone over this, your disrespect and selfishness is telling. What about your so-called friend? Fuck me. With friends like you, who needs enemies.

You are also relishing talking about him and your attraction to him and his obvious attraction to you. That in itself is sleazy.

You are unwilling to accept this man is a manipulative creep, taking massive advantage of your obvious infatuation.

You want to believe this is something beyond your control, that you need help fighting those feelings.

Actually, all you seem to want is to talk about him more and more.

Imagine if he was 25 years older than you with brown teeth and a skullet - if he put his hand on your knee or kissed you on the lips, you'd be horrified.

@Cavagirl - that's a really good way to look at it. Somehow missed your post initially. Thank you.

@AbbeyBelfast - again, not quite sure why you're quite so angry. I came here for advice about how to stop feeling like this - and I've had some excellent advice which I've thanked people for. But in response to @MaelyssQ, I was simply just challenging the notion that he must be a vile creep that does this to tons of women. Yes, he might be. It might also be possible - in the cold light of day after any inappropriate flirting - any feelings he has will have made him as uncomfortable as it's made me. Not really sure where you get 'bizzare fantasy ego stroking' from either.

[quote NoraNellie]@BeTheHokeyMan - possibly! That said, I have sometimes picked up on when DH has found other people mildly attractive, and in those instances we've had a laugh about it and moved on. I don't detect that here.

@MaelyssQ - hmmm. He might well be a sleazy creep who does this the whole time, and like I've repeatedly said - I dislike how I feel here and I'm trying to move on from it.

But isn't it possible that two happily married people might find each other uncomfortably attractive? And cross lines after a few drinks but regret it and know that they wouldn't go further? Does that make us both total monsters? Again, I'm not justifying anything here but I'm not sure we can be quite so black and white about things all the time.[/quote]
You're wanting to normalize this OP.

But why? Your attempts to normalize it in your head are continued efforts at giving yourself permission to feel / act this way.

If you want to shake yourself out of it why are you on a mission of giving yourself permission?

If you go further down this normalising route you will likely selfishly indulge further. If you remind yourself of the horrors and fall out it will cause your family, and yes, yourself, you might take a step back.

What so you want to do? How prepared are you to think of others rather than yourself? What outcomes do you want?

@tigerlily20 - no, I'm more than aware it's not 'harmless' and I didn't come here looking for affirmation that he fancies me - I think I already know that I came asking for advice on how to get past my feelings.

I wont tell you how to feel but I will say this. Do not have an affair. If it turns out you aren't happy in your marriage and want to be with this guy, leave your husband first. I fell for someone else and began something before I had the guts to say something to my husband..let's just say it turned my life upside down, I lost nearly everything. I'm rebuilding my life now and am actually very happy with the man in question, but I have been through hell to get here and I still cry about what happened some days. And it's been two years since it happened ! I lost friends, people I thought of as family, my home, my pets and my child I now have joint custody of. I really was close to suicide. Just think twice, please.

@suggestionsplease1 - thanks. Maybe I'm being misunderstood here. Not trying to 'normalise' or 'justify' anything at all - I KNOW it's not okay.

Google 'limerance'.
You've overstepped the line already, go and find your excitement somewhere else that doesn't involve destroying lives, because that is what you are going to do if this continues, and you know it.

Then do you want us to say you are special and what you have is special, he doesn't act like this with all the other women? Do you want sympathy for being in a marriage but lusting/fondling/kissing another man, who is married and is a friend of your husbands and who's wife is your friend? Because all reasonable advice given to you has been rebuffed, if you honestly did you want to change how you feel/think about this man you would keep all contact to a minimum but you keep making excuses not to.

[quote NoraNellie]**@Prettybubblesintheair* @youvegottenminuteslynn* - physical? Okay. Stuff like running a hands down my back, stroking my arm, touching my knee under table, leaving his hand on mine a moment too long, moving a hair out of my face. Kissed me on the lips saying goodbye once (though not a snog). Some stuff out of sight of others, some stuff would barely be noticed as inappropriate....[/quote]
Good grief, this gets worse the more I read ! Basically you need to grow the fuck up, you're not a daft teenager nor are you and this supposedly good man Romeo and Juliet. You're both behaving shockingly to your partners , how you can say he's a good man when he's behaving this way is beyond me. If you really want to be with this man (and I bet he would run a mile if it came to it ) leave your husband and start a new relationship. This teenage angst is just ridiculous

It sounds like you've made your mind up(and you do actually want to be with this man)if you didn't surely to god you would've said something when he was touching you under the table (I know I would've stopped that dead! Even if both partners were present at the time)You need to tell your husband,how would you feel if your husband was doing this?It's the worst form of deceipt! By what you have already wrote on this thread it sounds like an affair already !

OP if you really think about it, how would you feel if you found out that your husband had behaved how you and this guy have done so far? If you're really honest with yourself about it?

I’m not sure why people are trying to put this all on him? People are saying he’s a creep who obviously does this to everyone, but we don’t know that, and in this they are equally at fault. The OP is no better than he is. Essentially the OP is a creep who is spending time flirting with and touching a bloke who isn’t her husband, it’s as much on her as it is on him.

OP, has it perhaps occurred to you that his wife and your DH are already either having an affair or have discussed the fact that you and this man are having an affair. Bear in mind it doesn’t have to include sex to be an affair. You’re already having an affair, how does that make you feel? Excited? Happy?

Clearly you don’t want to forget this bloke or you would have done something about it. There’s no such thing as “it just happened,” it takes a conscious effort.

So with that in mind you need to tell your DH that you’re in love with another man and give him the choice whether he wants to stay with you or not. You’ve already crossed the line, there’s no going back now.

We are both in long, solid, happy marriages

Nope. Suggestive words and physical touch? No. Thats not what people in strong marriages do.

@Kittykat93 - thank you. I don't want to have an affair. I know what I stand to lose. I'm sorry you went through all that.

@SadSausage44 - yes, I've been reading various articles on limerence. Annoyingly though, I can find a lot about what it IS, but less on how to get over it.

@tigerlily20 - I'm not 'rebuffing' any advice, I'm grateful for all of it. The only thing I said I don't think is the best idea is telling my DH about how I feel because I think that would do more harm than good.

@Mydogmylife - more than aware I'm not a daft teenager. I've said repeatedly, I hate feeling like one!

@Itstimetoquit - The knee thing was fairly fleeting - he wasn't stroking and groping my thigh at length or anything. It just felt like it crossed a line. And I have NO idea how you get from anything I've said to 'I've made up my mind and want to be with him'.

@Takingontheflab

*We are both in long, solid, happy marriages*

Nope. Suggestive words and physical touch? No. Thats not what people in strong marriages do.

Agree. Your marriage wouldn't be happy if your husband knew about all these oh so romantic lingering looks and under the table touches... same goes for this guy's marriage.

Jesus why are people acting like the op has been shagging him?? Yes she's crossed a line but she's admitted that and wants advice to ensure it doesn't go further. People cant help how they feel, some mumsnetters are just vile and cant wait to stick the boot in.

@Kittykat93 shall we wait til she's shagged him and then slate her?

- I'm not 'rebuffing' any advice, I'm grateful for all of it. The only thing I said I don't think is the best idea is telling my DH about how I feel because I think that would do more harm than good. harm to who? To you when your DH realises you’ve been fantasising about shagging another man?

Maybe you can break the spell by telling your husband? It sounds weird but I'm being serious.

One of my friends had a work crush that she found ridiculous (not her type, had no idea why she was attracted to him) - she told her husband and it soon turned into a joke between them basically, and this made the idea of crush totally unsexy! Helps that crush and husband are miles apart physically so I don't think husband ever thought it was a crush that would threaten their relationship.

How would your h take it do you think? Cause it could ground the whole thing in reality and switch the whole sexy secret vibes off