Fed up with work shy husband

[boopeep76]

Background - married 20 years with 2 teenagers (15, 17). 9 years ago DH made redundant. Didn't know what he wanted to do and I wanted to work a bit more. Decided he would take a some time to think about what he wanted to do, perhaps retrain etc (He never has). He was never a full SAHD - kids were at school, my job had flexi hours/term time only - so whilst he did so some schools runs/childcare - it was still less then me and not something a working parent couldn't do. He would be in charge when I have to work away from home, but he also (pre-covid) would have on average 2 x 2 weeks walking trips away every year. He also never stepped up to take on more home stuff really. Despite half heartedly saying he was waiting for the right thing, thinking about various etc things he had never looked for a job. Alongside this he has had terrible bouts of depression - so I foolishly never pushed it as we can live off of my wages. Things came to a bit of a head (with is moods and lack of effort) about 6 months ago. He thought I was going to leave and promised to get a job and be generally better. His mood has improved loads (suddenly he's the happy one in the house after years of us walking on eggshells) and has stepped up doing more in the house but no effort with the job (one of the big promises). I know it is hard with covid but I genuinely feel he is happy to do nothing and using this as an excuse. What has really got me is he has said he wants to work part time. I actually don't have a problem with this in theory if part time is 3.5 - 4 days a week - but then he drops in 1 - 2 days a week. I am literally fuming inside. We have 20+ years left until pension (with no private pension either). How the f**k does he think that even covers his living costs let along contribute to the family and our future? In fact I can't even picture a future with him at the moment. This would be such a shock to him as he thinks he is the perfect adoring DH (I do get lots of love and complements but I feel these are hollow words because of his lack of action). He thinks I am obsessed by money because we don't "need" more money. Please tell me I am not insane - being made to feel like I am in the wrong for asking this, and like a doormat (which I know is of my own making). Need some wise words to tackle this as it is effecting my mood, sleep etc

[boopeep76]

@Mix56 Not yet. He is applying for jobs and is waiting to hear on several. I know some people will think I am too soft but I have said that I will give him a short period of time to apply for jobs he thinks he might like, but after that he needs to take any job. This is partly due to the fact we are okay on a day to day basis with money, partly that I know after so long it will be a (mental) struggle for him, and partly that if we do end up splitting up then I know I have been more than reasonable (this is for my own self-worth and the children not anybody else).

[CakeRequired]

I would be kicking him out. He can go live in his shack in the woods. Or he can get a job, any job, until the good one comes along. That's how it works, he has to work. Might not be what he wants to do, but let's face it, he's been unemployed for 9 years, his skills are gone. He can't be sat around all day doing fuck all, not even household stuff. He is a pisstaker.

[Cosyjimjamsforautumn]

He's the same as my X-BIL who latched onto another mug of a woman to "keep" him within 3 months of my DSis kicking him out!
Sadly Dneice and nephew have the same lack of drive as their dad, no drive/ambition to find (or keep at) paid work since Uni and both lazy, arrogant and entitled (and TBH who'd want to employ them!)
Line up your ducks and make him get any job. Then leave before your kids model their life choices and drive on their father.

[boopeep76]

@CakeRequired when I say limited he has until end of March with finding something he likes until end of May to find anything. As I said - this is more for me than him.

@Cosyjimjamsforautumn - I am lucky my children take after me with work ethic and ambition. They love him but can't understand him not having a job and totally think he should get one.

[CakeRequired]

[quote boopeep76]@CakeRequired when I say limited he has until end of March with finding something he likes until end of May to find anything. As I said - this is more for me than him.

@Cosyjimjamsforautumn - I am lucky my children take after me with work ethic and ambition. They love him but can't understand him not having a job and totally think he should get one.[/quote]
As I say, I wouldn't even give him that. He won't find one. He's had 9 years, he's taking the piss out of you and hoping you'll feel sorry for him still. Next will be 'do you want me sleeping on a park bench' when he can find no work. No one is going to employ him in work he's interested in unless he starts at the very beginning again, which he won't do because he 'knows the job'. Then the excuse will be he's too good for shop work. Then it will be the covid excuses. Is he using any of these already?

He's predictable sadly, because we've seen it on here before. He's not original, he's not special, he's a lazy shit who has taken advantage of his wife and made excuses.

[Hairyfairy01]

How is he planning on explaining his 9 year absence from the workplace to potential employers? Is he applying for jobs that he realistically has a hope of getting or is he purposely applying for jobs that he knows will never employ him due to his lack of recent experience? Why is he not volunteering in the meantime (whilst continuing to apply for jobs). At least by volunteering it gets him out of the house and the opportunity to develop skills and network. With 9 years out of the workforce I should think he'll have to take anything to be honest. Supermarket / delivery work?

[floofycroissant]

He's applying in the worst job climate in the last century, be prepared for that as an excuse, but it is genuinely tough atm.

Unless he has a solid career direction from his last work stint, he might want to explore apprenticeships (NHS, college, trades etc) as an option. Having something he's works towards might help him feel the value of his job and the training would be a confidence boost.

I'm not sure the career gap would necessarily be a major red flag if he spun it as having time off to be a SAHD, plenty of women have similar gaps.

[boopeep76]

@CakeRequired - I won't accept these excuses. I guess in a way I am giving him rope to hang himself or prove himself - and to be fair I have not put my foot down and stated what I want until recently. Now I have he is on a last chance. His MH has been v. bad - it is not an excuse but it is a reason - only now I have come to the point that it is not something I can continue to live with - which means dramatic change from him (including seeking help) or the alternative is he will have to deal with this alone and we will separate.

[boopeep76]

@Hairyfairy01- we are both realistic about the kind of job he can get at the moment - so yes supermarket jobs are in the mix (I have done my share of these over the years when needed also, and there is nothing wrong with them at all) - the proof will be if he takes a job like this if offered....

[DeeThree]

@boopeep76 I think you have amazing patience! Best of luck for the future, I hope the counselling is helping.

[Galectable]

I have been in this situation for years. I finally manoevred our lives so that he could take care of the domestic chores, once I'd realised that he would never work for someone else. He has worked part time for years, in various forms of self employment. He also talks about living in a hut in the woods from time to time. Our kids have left home and it's got easier, but I still resent the years of money worries that could have been avoided if he'd just been prepared to get a real job. And yet leaving him would have felt like chopping off my arm.

[icouldusesomehelphere]

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