Fed up with work shy husband

[boopeep76]

Background - married 20 years with 2 teenagers (15, 17). 9 years ago DH made redundant. Didn't know what he wanted to do and I wanted to work a bit more. Decided he would take a some time to think about what he wanted to do, perhaps retrain etc (He never has). He was never a full SAHD - kids were at school, my job had flexi hours/term time only - so whilst he did so some schools runs/childcare - it was still less then me and not something a working parent couldn't do. He would be in charge when I have to work away from home, but he also (pre-covid) would have on average 2 x 2 weeks walking trips away every year. He also never stepped up to take on more home stuff really. Despite half heartedly saying he was waiting for the right thing, thinking about various etc things he had never looked for a job. Alongside this he has had terrible bouts of depression - so I foolishly never pushed it as we can live off of my wages. Things came to a bit of a head (with is moods and lack of effort) about 6 months ago. He thought I was going to leave and promised to get a job and be generally better. His mood has improved loads (suddenly he's the happy one in the house after years of us walking on eggshells) and has stepped up doing more in the house but no effort with the job (one of the big promises). I know it is hard with covid but I genuinely feel he is happy to do nothing and using this as an excuse. What has really got me is he has said he wants to work part time. I actually don't have a problem with this in theory if part time is 3.5 - 4 days a week - but then he drops in 1 - 2 days a week. I am literally fuming inside. We have 20+ years left until pension (with no private pension either). How the f**k does he think that even covers his living costs let along contribute to the family and our future? In fact I can't even picture a future with him at the moment. This would be such a shock to him as he thinks he is the perfect adoring DH (I do get lots of love and complements but I feel these are hollow words because of his lack of action). He thinks I am obsessed by money because we don't "need" more money. Please tell me I am not insane - being made to feel like I am in the wrong for asking this, and like a doormat (which I know is of my own making). Need some wise words to tackle this as it is effecting my mood, sleep etc

[Redlocks28]

He thought I was going to leave and promised to get a job and be generally better.

I bet! He could see his cash supply was at risk! He sounds like a total waster.

Is the house in joint names? Where do you think he would go if you asked him to leave?

[ParisJeTAime]

I think YANBU to want him to get a job at this point, as the kids are at school. There is no reason not to. However, I am a SAHM to younger dcs. The youngest one is due to start preschool next term, so it makes sense financially for me to go back to work. My slight concern is...what in the actual fuck am I going to do? I have a decent degree from a v good university and years of admin work experience, but when I've tried in the past to pick up admin work since having dcs, it has been fruitless, due in part to the lack of recent experience. The only success I had was a minimum wage part time job in an arts company, which I couldn't take as childcare costs and commuting would have made us significantly poorer as a family. Not just a little loss, a huge loss for years to come. Most of the people in that company have now lost their jobs as theatre and the arts are fucked at the moment.

I did some evening and weekend work in hospitality after my youngest was born, which was great, as obviously there were no childcare costs. But that really isn't possible at the moment, as again, many people already contracted to work in those jobs are now out of work.

So, yes, great to tell him to get a job. I think I would feel the same as you do. But bear in mind, ultimatum or not, he may not be able to find anything at the moment. Sorry, not great to hear, but it may be the reality.

[ParisJeTAime]

Oh and FWIW, I also was made redundant while on mat leave (yes, they do that) with dc1. I'm trying to retrain, studying towards another degree part time. But the job market was already a nightmare for SAHPs, (or just the unemployed as you say your DH is). Now, with many well qualified and recently employed people suddenly out of work and desperate, don't hold your breath that he will walk into a job. Unless you are going to reveal that he is a qualified HCP or teacher maybe.

[CrotchetyQuaver]

Take legal advice before you do anything.
I suspect his non materialistic approach to life will evaporate in the event of a divorce.
You are right to push this and get him contributing to the pot. I had similar with my DH. If he'd pulled his weight at home then it would have been different of course. I ended up getting quite ill due to the stress of it all. Mine did eventually get a job and has stuck at it. My health will likely never fully get back to normal. So don't feel bad if you decide he has to go, but get legal advice first about what he is likely entitled to from you. I hope nothing, but I'm not so sure...

[user1493494961]

'Psychological issues'! He's a lazy bastard!

[Throwntothewolves]

Depression is not an excuse not to try. Is he really depressed? I mean you cant just switch it off like he has seemed to when you told him to sort himself out. Assuming he is at least a little depressed, maybe initially part time is the way forward if he thinks he will struggle. He doesn't need a job that fits around childcare responsibilities so he has choice. Don't let him say he won't do certain things because he is over qualified, he has been out of work for years so he may have to start again.

Alternatively, see him for what he is and wise up to your situation. He's a lazy user. Why should he work when he doesn't need to? What's the point? Realise that you do it all, so you do not need him. If it comes to it you could separate and you will cope just fine with the practical side. Know that he will never voluntarily leave though.

[MacDuffsMuff]

He's absolutely taking the piss OP and you clearly know it.

I'm not a fan of ultimatums but I think it's clear you've reached that point. No, the choice of jobs may not be great at the moment but there are jobs out there. Two of my friends were made redundant in the last 6 months and both got other jobs pretty quickly, one as a delivery driver and one in a supermarket. Not what they were used to or wanted but they are at least working.

He's not exactly a great role model for your boths either is he.

[MacDuffsMuff]

*boys, not boths.

[cushioncovers]

I suspect his non materialistic approach to life will evaporate in the event of a divorce.


^^this

[diamondpony80]

You shouldn’t have to “cut costs” in retirement just because he’s too lazy to get off his arse. You deserve better because you’ve worked for it and should be able to enjoy your retirement rather than just survive. What if something happened where you couldn’t work for a while? What would he do then?

[79andnotout]

Hi OP, I agree with your husband in that I think full time work is awful and no one should have to do it, that the world is wasteful and greedy and we should all just consume less, which would be a lot easier if we worked less and had more time to plan and prepare.

However, I do not expect my DP to fund my approach to things. I am working fulltime and banking my earnings and paying off the mortgage and hitting my pension heavily so that I can quit my job aged 45 (in a few years) to pursue however much or little work as I like. He seems to want to have his cake and eat it. There's no way my DP would let me get away with that, he's made it clear I can make whatever lifestyle choices I wish to make as long as it doesn't impact on his lifestyle, which is fair.

[mummabubs]

That does sound really infuriating. My ex from my twenties was similar, his parents used to give him a credit card, he'd spend thousands each month living exactly as he wished to and subsequently never saw any need for a job. Occasionally he'd get a job leafletting for friends (but after going out once or twice and asking me to come along and help he took the money and then dumped all the leaflets in a skip, so that shows his work ethic(!)) This, amongst many other things was enough to make me leave. Like you, I don't expect everyone else to have a life plan but when a partner lacks basic ambition or expects someone else to support them indefinitely I find it really unattractive. Add in kids and more years to the mix and I can't imagine how frustrating this is for you.

Given you said that he's had periods of unemployment before he wss made redundant I agree with others that it sounds like the only thing you can do to evoke change at this stage is to make changes yourself. Maybe this means setting some clear boundaries with him (ie limiting his access to extra funds if he doesn't actively look for jobs, or saying you won't fund his walking trips etc) or saying you need to see him applying for jobs (now!) that have a minimum of 3 days a week you don't see the relationship surviving?? I wonder if a good first step is sitting him down and showing him your monthly earnings, and outgoings, how much your wage can fluctuate, the taxes etc and explaining plainly to him that you're not as secure as he might think you are (and pensions etc) so you know that he's got all the hard facts presented to him in black and white.
I also wonder if his mood has at times been linked to lack of employment? It can be a vicious circle but if he's been sat at home and not even doing any voluntary work for 9 years I wonder how this has affected his identity, self-esteem etc?

[SummerBlondey]

Problem is, it's virtually impossible to find work at the moment. My son is a graduate and has literally applied for hundreds of jobs with no luck. Post pandemic though, I agree, he HAS to step up and find a job.

[user1471538283]

Funny how it's always the one without a job that thinks that the one with one and funded everything is "money obsessed". And those same people think they should follow their dream and look down on the person actually working!

I would tell him, he either gets a full time job and keeps it or you leave. Whilst you are keeping him you are not able to save or do lovely things that you want to do. He clearly thinks that you are not entitled to a comfortable retirement because that would mean he would have to work. I honestly couldn't have come as far as you have ... nine years!

[Bananalanacake]

I hope the house is in your name, can you make him leave without having to give him any money at all, seeing as he can't be bothered to contribute.

[Robbybobtail]

he’ll say "we should be grateful of the position we are in compared to others"! I truly am, but that is not an excuse for him not to work

Have you told him it’s not just about money - you’ve lost respect for him?

his issues are that he thinks the world is wasteful and greedy and he would like to live in a shack in the woods.

Maybe tell him to start looking for suitable shacks then?

[ParisJeTAime]

@SummerBlondey

Problem is, it's virtually impossible to find work at the moment. My son is a graduate and has literally applied for hundreds of jobs with no luck. Post pandemic though, I agree, he HAS to step up and find a job.

I agree with this.

I also would rather people who have no need of work and have no desire to work, (not the OP's dh as they don't have a pension), wouldn't be forced into work, unless they want or need to. People will hate me saying that, but , as I would love to be at work and have not been able to find a job despite good qualifications and years of experience, I think that if you're lucky enough to be able to stay at home and you have no desire to work, I'd rather they left the jobs for people like me who want and need them, please ! So, in that regard I do agree with the idea that people shouldn't all have to work, as there aren't enough jobs to go round. But the OP's dh does need to work for their future.

[Onedimension]

I think you are right to call it a day now and secure your future before it gets to the stage where you feel it wouldn’t be worth starting again without him.

Also agree that they never change. My exh never worked full-time, then pottered around making cash in hand and still doesn’t work to this day and he’s in his 50s. He’s not worried about pensions as he’s got half of mine .

[Brefugee]

get advice from the SAHM threads, as should he re. protecting assets and making sure he has a pension etc etc.

[Underpaidsnackbitch]

I've been you OP. Met a man, moved in together and within 3 months he had walked out of his job. He was in and out of work after that, could never keep a job. There was always some excuse. I'd had savings in the bank, which took a massive dent as I didn't earn enough. He would continuously get into his overdraft and I'd have to bail him out. It came to a head when I fell pregnant. I was so poorly but continued working against medical advice because he just wouldn't pull his weight. That did it for me. I chucked him out when out child was still a toddler and never looked back. He is still the same now. Can't keep a job, goes from one stupid money making scheme to another. I'm actually much better off without him. I'm not having to pay for a giant man child to live and could access some benefits. I'm also self employed so it is totally doable. Looking back I can't believe I put up with it for so long, but he made me feel awful if i bought it up, he was depressed, there were no good jobs, i had more opportunities than he did. There was always something. A man that has no drive or self respect is a huge turn off. His sense of entitlement was shocking, and it sounds like your DH is the same. Allowing you to pay his way in life, fund holidays, watching you struggle. Would someone that truly cared about you continue to treat you like this? You need to look to the future and plan for your DCs and your later years. He is just going to drag you down

[Birdladybird]

I had one of these. I made lots of excuses for him. In the end I got rid. It was an instant turn off to be with someone with no ambition. He just lazed around all day. I worked full time hours plus sorted kids/childcare/school runs.

I the. met my lovely DH who is the complete opposite.

And guess what....when I kicked him out he went to his sisters house for a few months. Still there 8 years later. Best decision I ever made!!

Don’t waste your life with a waster.

[thebabessavedme]

I think I would get rid OP, he dosent see your marriage as a partnership, does not contribute anything ( I bet he is loving, who wouldnt be in his situation) and sees you as a cash cow.

For your part, I foresee more resentment and loss of any respect you have for him growing over the years, Once you have retired can you really imagine being happy at home everyday with him, unable to do all the things you have looked forward to doing because you supported this useless lump for bloody years?

You have a right to look forward to a happy and rewarding retirement, you have earnt it, dont let a lazy bugger ruin it for you.

[HelloMissus]

What does he do all day?
Does he volunteer? Does he cook?

[StarsonaString]

I had an ex that didn't work for years on end. Said he was applying to things but think he either exaggerated or outright lied. Had a streaming 'business' that made either no money or very little money each month. Was always on the verge of 'making it big'.

I kicked him out and he was heartbroken but it was the best thing for both of us. I have absolutely thrived without him and he has managed to find OK work and complete some more studying which might lead to better work. He was a millstone around my neck and I was enabling his laziness since he didn't have to worry about housing or eating thanks to my salary.

[C0NNIE]

There’s no point in the Op saving or paying into a private pension now as her husband will get half of everything if they divorce.

The more she works hard and builds up her business , the more he will get on divorce ( if it’s a limited company - or are you a sole trader OP? ).

In your situation @boopeep76 I’d expect him to either contribute by getting a job or by doing ALL the housework / wifework. It’s not as If there’s any childcare .

However it’s clear that he’s not willing to do either, so I’d be ending it. It’s clear he doesn't love you or even respect you.

You need legal advice of course. I’d be doing that now, so I know where I stood. As a PP said, I’m sure his non materialistic attitude will disappear fast when you tell him it’s over.