Fed up with work shy husband

[boopeep76]

Background - married 20 years with 2 teenagers (15, 17). 9 years ago DH made redundant. Didn't know what he wanted to do and I wanted to work a bit more. Decided he would take a some time to think about what he wanted to do, perhaps retrain etc (He never has). He was never a full SAHD - kids were at school, my job had flexi hours/term time only - so whilst he did so some schools runs/childcare - it was still less then me and not something a working parent couldn't do. He would be in charge when I have to work away from home, but he also (pre-covid) would have on average 2 x 2 weeks walking trips away every year. He also never stepped up to take on more home stuff really. Despite half heartedly saying he was waiting for the right thing, thinking about various etc things he had never looked for a job. Alongside this he has had terrible bouts of depression - so I foolishly never pushed it as we can live off of my wages. Things came to a bit of a head (with is moods and lack of effort) about 6 months ago. He thought I was going to leave and promised to get a job and be generally better. His mood has improved loads (suddenly he's the happy one in the house after years of us walking on eggshells) and has stepped up doing more in the house but no effort with the job (one of the big promises). I know it is hard with covid but I genuinely feel he is happy to do nothing and using this as an excuse. What has really got me is he has said he wants to work part time. I actually don't have a problem with this in theory if part time is 3.5 - 4 days a week - but then he drops in 1 - 2 days a week. I am literally fuming inside. We have 20+ years left until pension (with no private pension either). How the f**k does he think that even covers his living costs let along contribute to the family and our future? In fact I can't even picture a future with him at the moment. This would be such a shock to him as he thinks he is the perfect adoring DH (I do get lots of love and complements but I feel these are hollow words because of his lack of action). He thinks I am obsessed by money because we don't "need" more money. Please tell me I am not insane - being made to feel like I am in the wrong for asking this, and like a doormat (which I know is of my own making). Need some wise words to tackle this as it is effecting my mood, sleep etc

[PlanDeRaccordement]

YANBU OP,
Since he seems to be emerging from long term chronic depression Bd his mood is now happy, it is time for him to put a recovery plan in place. 9yrs is too long a gap in employment for him to just write a CV and get a job. Fortunately there is free help for him. Have him contact
Richmond Fellowship
www.richmondfellowship.org.uk/employment-services/

They are a charity that helps people who have been out of work due to mental illness. They’ll set up a recovery plan on training and qualifications he can do to update himself. They can find volunteer roles to get him back into a work environment. And finally, help writing a CV and coaching on how to do interviews. It’s all about building up the self confidence and also getting him pointed in a direction towards work he would enjoy.

Hopefully, he will contact them and get going towards employment. He should contribute to your future. If he can’t even do that, then might be best to part ways. Although with him being father of your children, he will probably still be on periphery of your life anyway. But at least you will know you had the patience of a Saint and really tried to help him.

[billy1966]

@caringcarer

Stop paying for his walking trips. Stop all funding for him. Put your money.in your own bank account and if you don't have one open one. I think I would tell him I am also considering cutting back to 2 days work.a week. What would he say to that? If he did not sign up to an agency and start working by end of month I would.ask.him to leave. If you don't start building up your pension now you will have nothing when you retire. The longer you support him the less he needs to do for himself. By finding the walking holidays you are emailing him to not work. Your kids must see what is happening. They are almost grown. You can do better alone than being dragged down.

This.
There is no way I would be giving such a lazy waster a penny of my disposal income.
He expects you to continue working well into your late 60's to fund his choices.

How you can even look at him I don't know.

[MrsWaititi]

Divorce him sooner rather than later op. He's a dead weight.

[PurpleMustang]

What gets me about this is that you are self employed and had to alter your work due to Covid. Does this even register with him that he should be looking for work incase your work stopped? Or even what if you became ill from Covid and/or was unfortunate to get long Covid and affected your ability to work? And then there is the sheer fact that he doesn't even seem to register that he hasn't even contributed many years to his state pension, does he seem to expect you to pick up the slack in that too? And yes, I think you are right, and have been given lots of good advice. He needs a list of jobs, a list of deadlines else he is gone. And tell him you need to be saving just in case so no spending money or booking bloody holidays for himself.

[AcornAutumn]

[quote boopeep76]**@Underpaidsnackbitch* @notapizzaeater* Yes he does grow veg, but this is a summer thing - we are not self sufficient or anything and his choice as he likes to do it. We have a "normal" house and lifestyle. He has in the past few months taken on a lot of the cooking and laundry, and does do general diy - he thinks this is a lot (even though for years I cooked virtually every night, did the washing, shopping, most other joint things and worked)[/quote]
The past few months? Not years?

[NeverDropYourMoonCup]

[quote boopeep76]@YukoandHiro - his issues are that he thinks the world is wasteful and greedy and he would like to live in a shack in the woods. Only briefly in 20+ years has he worked full time - and I have no problem with 4 days or a lack of ambition - I just want a contribution. I think another reason this is feeling so pressured for me is the realisation that I have to do something now - if putting my foot down ends in divorce I can see how I can survive okay and rebuild even if it went 50/50 - where as in another 10 years I wouldn't be able to build up my savings etc.[/quote]
Buy him a flat pack shed, then.

He can sleep in there until he gets a fulltime job.

[livefornaps]

I would chuck him on his arse out into the garden shed. There's your shack, you bone-idle fucker

[Mix56]

He wont walk away & chew on wild roots if you throw him out though will he?, he will want half the house,savings, & half your pension.
The best plan is to stop funding him, to oblige him to work, then get rid.

[Isthisit22]

This is not about money anymore. His lazy selfish behaviour is making you ill and has killed your live for him.
Make him leave and I bet you feel much better

[FlyNow]

his issues are that he thinks the world is wasteful and greedy and he would like to live in a shack in the woods.

This philosophy isn't bad, and most of us probably agree to some extent, but it actually takes quite a lot of work to live this way. Meal planning, batch cooking vegetarian meals from in season ingredients, making your own cleaning products (and using them!), shopping at second hand/low waste stores, borrowing tools/equipment etc instead of buying. Sounds like he isn't doing any of this. Just sitting at home consuming and complaining.

[NoPrivateSpy]

I sympathise, OP. The pressure of being sole earner (or main earner) is huge. It's all very well and good him saying you can afford for him to go part time, implying you already have enough material things blah blah but that's not his choice to make - it's a joint decision. It's the mental load in addition to the financial one.

It's possibly a cop out too. A way of justifying his choices by taking a moral high ground. I'd find it really annoying.

He needs to find a job he actually wants to do. That would help the depression too I bet. Is there anything he misses?

[C0NNIE]

He needs to find a job he actually wants to do. That would help the depression too I bet. Is there anything he misses?

He’s been out of the labour market for 9 years - he doesn't have the luxury of only doing a job he really likes. He needs to take any job he can get and work up from there.

[8obbingabout]

Wow 9 years without a job. Thats terrible. You are not insane at all OP. This would really get to me too.

Why doesn't he want to contribute to your family and life you have built together? I wouldn't stand for it OP - You deserve better and you know it.

[LannieDuck]

I would give him three choices:

i) He gets a job (at least 4 days/wk)
ii) He becomes a housewife, which means 100% of the housework (I wouldn't have said 100% if childcare were required too, but your kids are older) - all the life admin (incl organising dentists / hairdressers / drs appts when needed for the whole family), all the shopping, cooking, washing, cleaning. Also any taxi-ing that the kids need.
iii) He leaves

[PussGirl]

He needs to shape up or ship out.

What a lazy bastard.

[EarthSight]

OP, what does he like doing? Has he ever talked about running his own business?

[Sssloou]

He thought I was going to leave and promised to get a job and be generally better. His mood has improved loads (suddenly he's the happy one in the house after years of us walking on eggshells) and has stepped up doing more in the house but no effort with the job (one of the big promises).

This tells you all you need to know.

He is a manipulative and exploitative wanker.

He carefully calibrates exactly the minimum he needs to do to keep you working away to fund his lifestyle (yes it’s a lifestyle he has unilaterally chosen and pursued on your sweat) - know this.

Please don’t waste anymore time or money or piss away your chance of a comfortable future and retirement because you are carrying this manipulative and exploitative fool.

You are exactly right when you recognised that you are at important financial junction to decide whether to continue funding this donkey or prioritise your own future.

I would do lots of research and get your ducks in a row around separating. I wouldn’t let him know but insist that he starts work doing anything. I would also set him to work in DIY projects with an eye to selling the house or buying him out.

Lots of depressed people continue to work in various capacities - that’s just another excuse and manipulation.

He is not being kind or respectful to you or your family unit.

[billy1966]

@Sssloou

He thought I was going to leave and promised to get a job and be generally better. His mood has improved loads (suddenly he's the happy one in the house after years of us walking on eggshells) and has stepped up doing more in the house but no effort with the job (one of the big promises).

This tells you all you need to know.

He is a manipulative and exploitative wanker.

He carefully calibrates exactly the minimum he needs to do to keep you working away to fund his lifestyle (yes it’s a lifestyle he has unilaterally chosen and pursued on your sweat) - know this.

Please don’t waste anymore time or money or piss away your chance of a comfortable future and retirement because you are carrying this manipulative and exploitative fool.

You are exactly right when you recognised that you are at important financial junction to decide whether to continue funding this donkey or prioritise your own future.

I would do lots of research and get your ducks in a row around separating. I wouldn’t let him know but insist that he starts work doing anything. I would also set him to work in DIY projects with an eye to selling the house or buying him out.

Lots of depressed people continue to work in various capacities - that’s just another excuse and manipulation.

He is not being kind or respectful to you or your family unit.

This.

He thinks you are the greatest mug that ever walked putting up with this bullshit......and he's right OP.

Are you really going to work yourself into an early grave while he sits on his arse and lives off the assets YOU worked for aftet you are dead from carrying him?

Stop being a mug.

[thenewduchessofhastings]

@boopeep76

I'm sorry to say but could he be autistic/have ADD?

MH problems as an adult,inability to cope with work,being disorganised,not able to handle responsibility,having bizarre notions such as living in a shack in the woods etc could possibly point towards this especially when you mention he's only held one full time job in 20 years.

Is he a loner?,socially awkward?,fixated on certain things?,have any behaviours that are also strange?,doesn't shower?,emotionally immature?,not very empathetic or affectionate?,upsets easily?

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

He's depressed...so what? I have a serious lifelong medical health condition and depression and yet somehow I manage to work full time.I have to, I don't have a mug to bail me out or pay my mortgage.
Has he looked into getting the right medication?

[ExtraSettings]

newduchess never thought of that, maybe some form of ADD could be strong contributing factor, as it’s unusual for someone to be so passive. But OP not been back. understandably perhaps, as lots to mullover.

[wibblewombat]

Blimey, I'm not great at employed work (ND) and it's agreed that I'm better at home doing the food, etc but I wouldn't take the piss with 4 WEEKS of holiday a year. Do you pay for that?

Plus we have decent pension stuff sorted out, which has come from a joint effort. People are right about this, you're going to have to work double-time for donkey years. My misogynist mum is aghast I'm getting DH to do more mental load stuff now he's retired but I'm not doing all the drudge whilst he is bored...

I have a friend in a similar position and she's killing herself whilst her H stargazes...

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

He thinks the world is wasteful and greedy and he would like to live in a shack in the woods

Ah, one of those - funny how they're prepared to subsidise this with other peoples' money isn't it?

Clearly he's got a good thing going and knows it; if he's not even worked enough to qualify for a state pension it looks like he expects to live off you in retirement too

Only you can force any change here, OP, and personally I'd be forcing it ... like right now

[mcmooberry]

Agree with @livefornaps, he's a lazy fucker! 9 years for crying out loud!!

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Has he ever talked about running his own business?

Dear god, don't even go there. Those of us who've done it know the initiative, commitment and sheer hard graft it takes, and it sounds as if the chances of this coming from him are nil

It could be a good delaying tactic for him though; "please fund my business - if you invest just a bit bore it'll all come together and we'll have loadsamoney this time next year"