Fed up with work shy husband

[boopeep76]

Background - married 20 years with 2 teenagers (15, 17). 9 years ago DH made redundant. Didn't know what he wanted to do and I wanted to work a bit more. Decided he would take a some time to think about what he wanted to do, perhaps retrain etc (He never has). He was never a full SAHD - kids were at school, my job had flexi hours/term time only - so whilst he did so some schools runs/childcare - it was still less then me and not something a working parent couldn't do. He would be in charge when I have to work away from home, but he also (pre-covid) would have on average 2 x 2 weeks walking trips away every year. He also never stepped up to take on more home stuff really. Despite half heartedly saying he was waiting for the right thing, thinking about various etc things he had never looked for a job. Alongside this he has had terrible bouts of depression - so I foolishly never pushed it as we can live off of my wages. Things came to a bit of a head (with is moods and lack of effort) about 6 months ago. He thought I was going to leave and promised to get a job and be generally better. His mood has improved loads (suddenly he's the happy one in the house after years of us walking on eggshells) and has stepped up doing more in the house but no effort with the job (one of the big promises). I know it is hard with covid but I genuinely feel he is happy to do nothing and using this as an excuse. What has really got me is he has said he wants to work part time. I actually don't have a problem with this in theory if part time is 3.5 - 4 days a week - but then he drops in 1 - 2 days a week. I am literally fuming inside. We have 20+ years left until pension (with no private pension either). How the f**k does he think that even covers his living costs let along contribute to the family and our future? In fact I can't even picture a future with him at the moment. This would be such a shock to him as he thinks he is the perfect adoring DH (I do get lots of love and complements but I feel these are hollow words because of his lack of action). He thinks I am obsessed by money because we don't "need" more money. Please tell me I am not insane - being made to feel like I am in the wrong for asking this, and like a doormat (which I know is of my own making). Need some wise words to tackle this as it is effecting my mood, sleep etc

[C0NNIE]

@ParisJeTAime

On a side note, it's really reassuring to read there are still jobs out there. I'm happy to stack shelves or clean buildings. I'll be job hunting when dc2 starts preschool and I was totally dreading there just being absolutely zero available. So thank you got giving me some hope!

Yes there are jobs available. But not so many that fit in school hours for 39 weeks a year.

So you probably will need childcare and for your children’s other parent to do their share.

[notapizzaeater]

Wow, I'd have to kill him. What does he actually do during the day
. Anything practical ?

[boopeep76]

@Underpaidsnackbitch @notapizzaeater Yes he does grow veg, but this is a summer thing - we are not self sufficient or anything and his choice as he likes to do it. We have a "normal" house and lifestyle. He has in the past few months taken on a lot of the cooking and laundry, and does do general diy - he thinks this is a lot (even though for years I cooked virtually every night, did the washing, shopping, most other joint things and worked)

[Grimsknee]

He hasn't worked for 9 years, and only RECENTLY has taken on "a lot of" the cooking and laundry? Who does the rest of the cooking and laundry? (Wait let me guess: the female breadwinner). Why isn't he doing 100% of it; and why hasn't that been the case for 9 years? What does he do all day???

[ParisJeTAime]

Thanks for the reality check @C0NNIE!

This is why I have only really done zero hours type jobs since having dcs; you can pick and choose what shifts you take. Problem is obviously, no guaranteed income and no benefits etc. The last place I worked, they paid better wages to cover benefits too, which was good.

[C0NNIE]

@ParisJeTAime

Thanks for the reality check *@C0NNIE*!

This is why I have only really done zero hours type jobs since having dcs; you can pick and choose what shifts you take. Problem is obviously, no guaranteed income and no benefits etc. The last place I worked, they paid better wages to cover benefits too, which was good.

I understand why you’ve done that - it seems easier in the short term. But it’s not a good long term strategy . You need to get back into decently paid work / training / education and build up your earning potential and your pension.

Your children’s other parent needs to do their share if you have been doing everything for years.

BTW I’m assuming that you are not independently wealthy / a multi millionaire - before some smart arse comes along and says they are and why should they work when they have millions in the bank blah blah blah.

[Bananalanacake]

He wants to live in a shack in the woods, great. Fill a bin liner with some of his clothes then kick him out of the door saying 'Bye, see you at Christmas if Covid restrictions allow it'.

[BeakyWinder]

Crikey, I'd have been having this conversation 8.5 years ago!!

Convenient of him to oppose greedy capitalism by not working, but happy to live off the profits of your business? Massive hmmm at that one.

I'd be sending him to live in his shack the lazy shite.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

[quote boopeep76]@Dashel no he needs to work quite a few more years to even get basic state pension. Had plenty of gaps of not working before this big one also. Dismisses this completely when I bring it up. Thinks we can just "cut our costs" - we lead a comfortable but in no way extravagant life and I don't intent to scrimp around in retirement more than I have to.[/quote]
Sit down and think this through.

Check your options, all of them.

Because basically, there really is no we in there, is there?

Your kids are old enough, you won't woe him anything. You only need to consider the house...

... I am not sure I could have any repsect forhim, or want to stay married to him, or sharing my living space. He sound ineffably selfish!

[NovemberR]

"we should be grateful of the position we are in compared to others"!

I would have the rage at this. I'd be saying bluntly, well yeah - you should be grateful, because let's face it - I carry you! I'm finding it difficult to be grateful for the fact that I'm supporting a work shy layabout. I would be in an excellent position without you sponging off me.

It was the sanctimonious tone of that whilst contributing nothing to the position you are in that got me!

[ParisJeTAime]

@C0NNIE fingers crossed I can find ANYTHING at the moment tbh. Beggars can't be choosers and I've been fortunate to get those jobs and actually am pretty proud of myself for getting them after redundancy, relocation, two dcs with no family help (shit dad and in-laws and a dead mum),the youngest of whom isn't yet three. If you were in my position and still managed to insist on top notch benefits the minute you got back to work, good for you.

[sadie9]

What did he work at when you first met? Was he always a part-timer, a day dreamer, a couch-surfing, 'living back at my Mom's for a while, thinking I might write a book, wouldn't it be great to be off-grid, I won't flush the toilet after I take a piss to combat climate change' type of guy?

My point is, will a leopard changes his spots? I suspect a lack of ambition and motivation is your problem here. All his life he has taken the stance that he's a defenseless kid who needs someone to look after him. First he had his mother. Then he hoped Princess Charming would come and offer to look after him. And she did!

My advice - if you want him to change try being sympathetic and understanding, acknowledge that having time to himself is important to him AND we need another income, so why don't you see a life coach and see what can be done?

He needs objective support and some type of ally outside of the home because he's too long out of work to be just able to go and get a job tomorrow. The self confidence just isn't there. He's emotionally painted himself into a corner.
The more you use power against a person like this the more they will get defensive and take the victim/poor me stance.
If you can find a reputable life-coach that might help him.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You told him what you needed, he did under the bare minimum.

I would start making plans to leave him.

He thinks I am obsessed by money because we don't "need" more money. That would boil my piss. He gets to be all anti-consumer and right on because someone else is doing the heavy lifting. And you do need more money because no one wants to be poor in their old age.

[billy1966]

You are too patient OP.

I wouldn't ever find an even vaguely lazy man attractive.

Awful example for your children.

You would have had a better run as a single parent.

Are you really going to allow this continue into retirement?

[GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom]

he would like to live in a shack in the woods.

He could. He isn't. Why is that?

[user1493494961]

Stuff the life-coach, it would be National Express for him pretty quick.

[3rdNamechange]

Bloody hell , get rid of him. Lazy sponging twat. So you'll have to be worried about bills when you're a pensioner because he can't be arsed to work.
I don't particularly like work but , guess what ? you've got to pay your way in life. I couldn't live like this and then hope your children aren't going to go out into the world thinking it's ok.

[HollowTalk]

Get him out and start to pay for a private pension or invest some money somehow, OP. He's very, very lazy and you deserve much better. What kind of man wants to work only one or two days a week and leave the rest to his wife, ffs?

[Lordamighty]

You both need to get a state pension forecast. The more detailed one where you submit your NI number so it is accurate.
He really needs to work for the minimum number of years to qualify for it otherwise it will seriously affect your income when you are older.
I think you just lose all respect for people who refuse to work for no good reason.

[MsConstrue]

I would have such an issue with such a lazy unambitious not to mention cocklodging attitude.

I'd leave personally as I'd have no respect for such a person.

[caringcarer]

Stop paying for his walking trips. Stop all funding for him. Put your money.in your own bank account and if you don't have one open one. I think I would tell him I am also considering cutting back to 2 days work.a week. What would he say to that? If he did not sign up to an agency and start working by end of month I would.ask.him to leave. If you don't start building up your pension now you will have nothing when you retire. The longer you support him the less he needs to do for himself. By finding the walking holidays you are emailing him to not work. Your kids must see what is happening. They are almost grown. You can do better alone than being dragged down.

[caringcarer]

What job did he used to do OP? Could he go back to that or not? If he had looked after children, done laundry, cooked, cleaned house, kept garden tidy, did painting and decorating and took care of time consuming home paperwork at home it would not be so bad. Then you could come home and rest.

[ExtraSettings]

So ... he grows a few lettuces in the Summer.

You provide financially and do everything else in the grunt work dept, pretty much for a decade?

Landed on his feet - but he’s happy to see his wife wear herself out, basically. Unforgivable IMO for a grown man to do that.

Boil my piss doesn’t come close.Do you know why you put up for this for so long?

I’m a kind of idealist shack in the woods off grid woman (in my dreams, I think I’d find the reality too hard and need a base. The idealistic young usually go home to mum and dad ! or it’s a shared dream in a couple and they are in it together, or else they are genuine spiritual monastics (rare but they usually give back in some way).

Whatever the situation, I wouldn’t expect my partner to pay for it unless millionaire territory! Otherwise needs a real understanding of his role and contribution. He’d be doing the house, working casually, saving the world, something. I’m speechless tbh. What are his qualities OP? I’m just wondering there must be something that kept you in this place for so long.

Whatever you decide, before you do anything either way, I would advise to see a solicitor to find out where you stand legally/financially. Very important.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

his issues are that he thinks the world is wasteful and greedy and he would like to live in a shack in the woods.

Off he fucks, then!

[Techway]

If you are both not paying into a pension, look up the % for your ages then you can't afford for him not to work.