Fed up with work shy husband

[boopeep76]

Background - married 20 years with 2 teenagers (15, 17). 9 years ago DH made redundant. Didn't know what he wanted to do and I wanted to work a bit more. Decided he would take a some time to think about what he wanted to do, perhaps retrain etc (He never has). He was never a full SAHD - kids were at school, my job had flexi hours/term time only - so whilst he did so some schools runs/childcare - it was still less then me and not something a working parent couldn't do. He would be in charge when I have to work away from home, but he also (pre-covid) would have on average 2 x 2 weeks walking trips away every year. He also never stepped up to take on more home stuff really. Despite half heartedly saying he was waiting for the right thing, thinking about various etc things he had never looked for a job. Alongside this he has had terrible bouts of depression - so I foolishly never pushed it as we can live off of my wages. Things came to a bit of a head (with is moods and lack of effort) about 6 months ago. He thought I was going to leave and promised to get a job and be generally better. His mood has improved loads (suddenly he's the happy one in the house after years of us walking on eggshells) and has stepped up doing more in the house but no effort with the job (one of the big promises). I know it is hard with covid but I genuinely feel he is happy to do nothing and using this as an excuse. What has really got me is he has said he wants to work part time. I actually don't have a problem with this in theory if part time is 3.5 - 4 days a week - but then he drops in 1 - 2 days a week. I am literally fuming inside. We have 20+ years left until pension (with no private pension either). How the f**k does he think that even covers his living costs let along contribute to the family and our future? In fact I can't even picture a future with him at the moment. This would be such a shock to him as he thinks he is the perfect adoring DH (I do get lots of love and complements but I feel these are hollow words because of his lack of action). He thinks I am obsessed by money because we don't "need" more money. Please tell me I am not insane - being made to feel like I am in the wrong for asking this, and like a doormat (which I know is of my own making). Need some wise words to tackle this as it is effecting my mood, sleep etc

[DaphneBridgerton]

Over the last three years I have had major life trauma including a nervous breakdown, daily migraines, issues with my blood and a horrendous recovery from a lumbar puncture. Unsurprisingly anxiety and depression have come along for the ride. I am also 30 weeks pregnant now. Over this 3 year period I have had a total of 10 weeks "off work". Otherwise I have always worked whether that's part time (min. 2 days a week) or full time depending on what has come along as I'm freelance. There is absolutely no excuse for not working in your husband's situation.

[wildraisins]

I'm interested to know more about your husband's reasons for not working, OP.

Is it that he thinks you have enough and does not prioritise money as much as his time?

Anxiety/ depression/ other psychological or mental health issues around work? Sometimes these aren't very obvious and can come across as "laziness" when actually a person has huge anxieties about changing their lifestyle. 9 years is a really long time to be unemployed.

Also I wonder if he's worried about his ability to be successful in gaining employment. After 9 years, he is going to have to do some serious work on upskilling himself, volunteering and improving his CV before most employers will look at him.

I'm also wondering how he feels about it all. Is he truly happy with his choice not to work? It sounds like he has been quite depressed in the past.

I get the feeling there is probably a lot going on here with his mental health and motivation, and the fact that he isn't working is only the tip of the iceberg.

[bobbojobbo]

Problem is, it's virtually impossible to find work at the moment. My son is a graduate and has literally applied for hundreds of jobs with no luck

There are plenty of people finding work, every day. If you want to be a home carer or a shelf stacker, you'll find a job if you try hard enough.

[coldwaterfeed]

He sounds like a cocklodger and a hypocrite with ideals. Leave him, OP, don't waste your life on him.

[TillyTopper]

I think you need to decide what you want to do. If you are happy to have a career of your own and support him, then do so (I supported DP as a SAHD for several years and loved it that there was always someone at home for them when they were ill and stuff). But if you are not happy with it at all then I don't think he'll necessary change because he seems to have a track record of not working. In which case you probably need to get things in order to split with him.

[ParisJeTAime]

@TillyTopper

I think you need to decide what you want to do. If you are happy to have a career of your own and support him, then do so (I supported DP as a SAHD for several years and loved it that there was always someone at home for them when they were ill and stuff). But if you are not happy with it at all then I don't think he'll necessary change because he seems to have a track record of not working. In which case you probably need to get things in order to split with him.

I think the problem is that he ISN'T a SAHD though.

I would also love having a SAHD at home and think there is nothing at all wrong with that. (My ideal scenario would be us both working PT and sharing childcare, but DH not interested at all, as he'd rather be at work)!

But, it doesn't sound like that's what's happening here at all.

[ScaredOfDinosaurs]

OP is probably better off splitting up with him while her business isn't doing as well because of COVID. Ideally, after having pushed him into some kind of work prior to the split. The more she saves and builds up the business now, the more she'll have to give him if they split later down the line.

It does sound harsh but frankly, after 9 years of taking the utter piss he would have reaped what he has sown.

[willowmelangell]

I would be so tempted to set up a tent in the garden, telling him to move in and reminding him that this is what his pension will afford.

Absolutely outrageous that he plans for YOU to cut back on nice things to fund his retirement.
He is not a partner, he is a cocklodger and the sooner you sling him out the better for both of you.

[YourWurstNightmare]

He'll never change. He'll make noises, maybe even go through the motions of actually getting a job when pushed, but there will always be some excuse to quit or drop days.

Start planning your exit. Take legal advice, ducks in a row, etc. You deserve better than being forced to support someone who doesn't share your goals/values.

[themaskedsinger]

Don't waste your time on him OP.

My exDH got made redundant, he had been at his job for a number of years so got quite a large redundancy payout. However, rather than saving that for the future and looking for a new job straight away he decided he would take some time out of work "because you've had your 9 months maternity leave and now I want my time off too"

I was working mostly part time at the time. I looked at jobs for him, I spent my breaks at work printing off job adverts for him to absolutely no avail. He simply wouldn't look for anything. It was excuse after excuse.

After 8 months he's burned through all of the redundancy payout money and his sister was bailing him out for our bills each month. This went on for another 3-4 months until his sister said no more and he was forced into looking for a job.,

I don't know why I didn't leave right then, I suppose because I was worried about the DC and the financial situation but looking back I wish I'd run a lot sooner.

I know I've rambled but there is a reason he's now an exDH and this is one of the reasons.

[AcornAutumn]

@Poppingnostopping

Is he learning how to make a shack? Is he working and saving up for a plot for the shack? Is he working out how your children can go to uni and come home for the holidays...to a shack?

I know he doesn't really want a shack but you see my point. This 'I'd like to live in a shack in the woods' is actually laziness, pipe-dream stuff. He's not actually got it in him to build and live the self-sufficient life, it's very hard going!

I was going to say, I genuinely understand the shack thing, but if he believes it, he should do it and not take a penny from you.

I was just on another thread where it said there is a major shortage pf cleaners for commercial premises. I am surprised but I would suggest that to him. Apparently there's a carer shortage as well.

[ParisJeTAime]

I also get the snack thing, but not sure you get to take that option if you have kids...

Also the SAHD thing only works if you can afford it / if it makes sense financially, ie it would be more expensive to pay for childcare and work than to stay at home. The OP's dcs are almost fully grown and neither of the op or her DH have pensions, so they can't really afford to have a SAHP.

[makinganavalon]

Came on here feeling slightly irked at my own DH, who is self employed and works outside and took the day off because was raining and could, and I thought Oooh I wonder if OPs husband like mine.
But really, 9 years?!
I think he is really really taking the mickey.
I know mental health problems can come and go for no reason whatsoever but surely his lack of purpose (and possibly self respect, certainly respect for others) is adding to his mental health problems.

[ParisJeTAime]

Shack*

[MoltenLasagne]

I'm not surprised he's had periods of depression if he's been out of work for 9 years.

You say that he doesn't pick up the running of the house, and even that you were still doing half the school runs, so what is he doing all day?

[wizzbangfizz]

I would feel very angry about this - if he was doing the lions share of everything else I could maybe accept that as a partnership but that is not what this is. I am another one who wants to know what he actually does all day and what his reasons are for not thinking he should work.

[harknesswitch]

It's all very well him willing to live in a cabin in the woods or survive on little, however he's only happy to do this as he knows you'll be bringing in the money to do this. It takes a lot of money to be able to live without it.

He's also banking on you earning enough in a pension and savings to see him through retirement too - this would really piss me off. He's happy to let you do the donkey work and he benefits from it, more than you do!

I'm sorry op but I couldn't stay married to someone who can see how unhappy and anxious you are and isn't willing to change their behaviour. Working is making a living. It's not an option to people unless they come from wealthy families

[Heartlantern2]

I understand completely.

He may or may not be right about not needing money now, but like you say, what about the future, what about pensions, what about savings. It’s that what you need the money for and why he has to contribute now, before shit hits the fan.

I would day he needs to work until he can put £950 in the pot, wether that takes him 4 working days or one, as long as £950 is in the pot monthly for savings I would be happy- with him doing most of the house and child work too though as you work full time

[Poppingnostopping]

The longer he is out of work, the harder it is to get back in, so he probably would have to take a more unskilled job than someone who had a good job history.

It's not true that there are no jobs though, I have two friends who have been made redundant or can't work their old jobs, both women, both got new jobs within about 3 months because they are main wage earners and can't, just can't, not have work! Not their pick of jobs, not their favourite jobs, but jobs- and once you have that you can jump to a different job. If he wants to escape the ratrace, then a job which you leave behind when you go home might suit him, if he's caring in nature, I met an amazing male carer recently who did hours to suit himself and it was great for male clients who might enjoy chatting with another man/having care done by them. It's not his dream job, but we are beyond the dream job stage.

[Bluesheep8]

He hasn't worked for 9 years? By choice? He's not exactly an attractive prospect to potential employers is he?
I think he'll really struggle to get a job now tbh. And it's a struggle of his own making.

[Poppingnostopping]

If he set up as a domestic cleaner, tonnes of work in that! Prices for cleaners are spiralling around here, not enough good cleaners to go around.

Or he gets back into his old profession, retrains, teaches online, tutors, anything!

I would find this exceptionally annoying as you can probably tell.

[ParisJeTAime]

On a side note, it's really reassuring to read there are still jobs out there. I'm happy to stack shelves or clean buildings. I'll be job hunting when dc2 starts preschool and I was totally dreading there just being absolutely zero available. So thank you got giving me some hope!

[ThinkingIsAllowed]

you are absolutely not being unreasonable. He's is beyond cheeky! Not concerning yourself with money - money which he seems to think is about greed etc - is a privilege that he only has because you concern yourself with it.

[91divoc]

Op I can't be with a man like this ok if there's illness and mental illness is real but 9 years takes the piss. You've supported him on his quest "to find the next thing thing" for 9 years, wow you must be a saint. I think I would give him the ultimatum because your dc are now 15 and 17 so really you don't need him to be at home anyway. He either finds a job or he leaves and has to find a job anyway. The police recruit and there are other public roles were he could train. Show him the door!

[Underpaidsnackbitch]

Also OP, as your DH is an advocate for off grid living, I'm imagining he keeps the home supplied with an abundance of home grown veg and that your garden resembles a small holding? Perhaps he makes things to barter with other like minded people? Or is he just one of those individuals that detest capitalism and consumerism from afar and prefers to spend their time living a quiet life, and following their own interests (cock lodgers hobbies)?