Fed up with work shy husband

[boopeep76]

Background - married 20 years with 2 teenagers (15, 17). 9 years ago DH made redundant. Didn't know what he wanted to do and I wanted to work a bit more. Decided he would take a some time to think about what he wanted to do, perhaps retrain etc (He never has). He was never a full SAHD - kids were at school, my job had flexi hours/term time only - so whilst he did so some schools runs/childcare - it was still less then me and not something a working parent couldn't do. He would be in charge when I have to work away from home, but he also (pre-covid) would have on average 2 x 2 weeks walking trips away every year. He also never stepped up to take on more home stuff really. Despite half heartedly saying he was waiting for the right thing, thinking about various etc things he had never looked for a job. Alongside this he has had terrible bouts of depression - so I foolishly never pushed it as we can live off of my wages. Things came to a bit of a head (with is moods and lack of effort) about 6 months ago. He thought I was going to leave and promised to get a job and be generally better. His mood has improved loads (suddenly he's the happy one in the house after years of us walking on eggshells) and has stepped up doing more in the house but no effort with the job (one of the big promises). I know it is hard with covid but I genuinely feel he is happy to do nothing and using this as an excuse. What has really got me is he has said he wants to work part time. I actually don't have a problem with this in theory if part time is 3.5 - 4 days a week - but then he drops in 1 - 2 days a week. I am literally fuming inside. We have 20+ years left until pension (with no private pension either). How the f**k does he think that even covers his living costs let along contribute to the family and our future? In fact I can't even picture a future with him at the moment. This would be such a shock to him as he thinks he is the perfect adoring DH (I do get lots of love and complements but I feel these are hollow words because of his lack of action). He thinks I am obsessed by money because we don't "need" more money. Please tell me I am not insane - being made to feel like I am in the wrong for asking this, and like a doormat (which I know is of my own making). Need some wise words to tackle this as it is effecting my mood, sleep etc

Can he work in your business? Or will that cause issues if you do split?

Basically he has no issues with you being stressed and working hard and he's now getting a token job as a "favour".

What do you actually lose by splitting? How much equity in the property? I'd speak to a solicitor to see if he'd try and take more due to the years of not working (this is what happened to my husband when he split from his work shy wife).

This is going to sound quite brutal but in your shoes I'd reduce his access to funds. Leave him a bit to spend each month for essentials but no luxury lifestyle items. I assume you've paid for these walking holidays?

@YukoandHiro - his issues are that he thinks the world is wasteful and greedy and he would like to live in a shack in the woods. Only briefly in 20+ years has he worked full time - and I have no problem with 4 days or a lack of ambition - I just want a contribution. I think another reason this is feeling so pressured for me is the realisation that I have to do something now - if putting my foot down ends in divorce I can see how I can survive okay and rebuild even if it went 50/50 - where as in another 10 years I wouldn't be able to build up my savings etc.

Being grateful broadly is one thing, but assuming you'll always be there to pick him up is taking the piss.
Have you talked to him about what would happen if, say, you got cancer and couldn't work for a year?

@boopeep76

He mentioned the part time thing again yesterday and I haven's slept all night with anxiety and rage. I know I am so lucky that I don't have immediate money problems, especially as things are for so many at the moment - and he will use this to say "we should be grateful of the position we are in compared to others"! I truly am, but that is not an excuse for him not to work

Tell him that ‘we’ are only in this situation because you work. He brings nothing but excuses to the relationships.

What did you say when he mentioned part time work yesterday? If you’re not telling him ‘absolutely not’, why not?

If be giving an ultimatum.
Get a job or we are done.

This is why my marriage ended OP, I was sick of my workshy husband who also did nothing in the house or garden and didn't maintain the car or do anything useful. I'd make it quite plain to him you are thinking of ending this marriage - you cannot live like this.

I think given how hacked off you are I would probably give him an ultimatum (as long as you are prepared to follow it up) I’d also get some legal advice regarding your assets.

Do you still want to be paying for him in 5 years time ?
I assume it’s your wages that pays for his walking holidays ?

" he thinks the world is wasteful and greedy and he would like to live in a shack in the woods."
From the sound of it, these are values that you don't share with him? In contrast (like most people!) you want retirement security, good shelter, healthcare and money for small pleasures?

If your indvidual visions of your future are so vastly different, it might be time to let him fund his own shack in the woods and live like a spartan, while you focus on providing a good living for you and your kids....

It’s quite hard to imagine this will seriously change after so long, especially as he won’t be that attractive to the jobs market.

However, change can happen - if he really wants it to. Give him a timetable OP. But in the meantime I would also consult a solicitor - you can’t carry him for the rest of your lives and you want to know how you’d separate your finances next year if needed.

You don’t have to put up with this.

Get him to look at this www.gov.uk/check-state-pension
And start paying into a private pension now.
Due to my first marriage break up being when it was, I wasn't entitled to half my first husband's pension, and I came out of that marriage with nothing. I'd fostered and childminded, and hadn't paid a stamp, so I wasn't entitled to a state pension on my own. When I remarried my new husband's private pensions were shared with his ex wife, and I was then entitled to a small state pension of £482 per month, based on his contributions during his working life. Luckily we have no mortgage, but we can't afford holidays abroad or other luxuries.
Your husband needs to get work, or get out. If he isn't working he should be doing everything at home. He has two walking holidays a year? So you pay for that as well? Do you get four weeks holiday by yourself too?

I totally know what you mean about not being fussed about ambition - it's just about sharing the responsibility for keeping your family going. Perhaps he really doesn't see how imbalanced the effort is? I really think couples counselling might help him understand that you're not trying to turn him into some corporate drone, but do expect a life partner to be a partner not a scrounged

You are totally right to be furious - he should be working full time! He should be contributing properly. I would give him an ultimatum otherwise your marriage will break down anyway as you cant respect a man who is willing to let you do everything that is not fair. He says you dont need the money but what about working to help your DCs future, life is not going to be easy for them and he should see that.

Teenagers will be going to university potentially in the next couple of years. That will exert pressure on your finances. Unless he expects that they work all hours to fund themselves when he’s happy to be a drain on your family funds.

Me personally, I would far rather try and help my dcs make ends meet at university and in kick starting their independent lives. As a good father would he not want the same? Or is it Ok for him to not contribute at the expense of them having a slightly easier start in their adult lives?

Oh OP from your last post seeing yourself in 10 years time you're going to be stuck with him. You said you could manage financially by splitting now? Don't waste any more precious years on this user. It sounds like you have lost all respect for him, no wonder you couldn't sleep.

Cut your losses and separate now.

I wonder if he sees some of the things that "you" spend on - ie household costs - as expendable, if he is very attached to his values. Does he realise how much of these costs are non negotiable because they involve giving DC stability?

I know this type, they always want to go and live in a shack in the woods, but someone else has to pay for the shack, pay the water bills for it, and then clean it themselves!

That person is you. It's not even like he does an amazing job running the home to the point you might say- well- less money but he does all the wifework so I don't have to so that suits us all.

I don't see what options you have left, he doesn't want to work, he wants you to work! He's not even trying to relieve your load one tiny bit. Sorry OP.

Why does he do all day while your at work and kids at school? Has he applied for any jobs?
I think it’s time for another ultimatum, either he gets a job in the next 6 months or it’s over.

Is he learning how to make a shack? Is he working and saving up for a plot for the shack? Is he working out how your children can go to uni and come home for the holidays...to a shack?

I know he doesn't really want a shack but you see my point. This 'I'd like to live in a shack in the woods' is actually laziness, pipe-dream stuff. He's not actually got it in him to build and live the self-sufficient life, it's very hard going!

He sounds like an entitled teenager and sorry to say OP but you have totally enabled this by staying with him.

What possible excuse could he have for not taking over everything at home with the children and chores if he has not worked a day in 9 years? How has he been able to afford solo walking holidays if he contributes not a penny to the pot?

This is who he is, you need to accept that and decide if you can continue to live with this waster, since he's already made and broken various promises to change.

Sounds like my XH, right down to the ‘happy to live in a shack’ thing. I got rid when I was 53, actually gave him more than he was legally entitled to as I didn’t want assets depleted by lawyers’ fees. Got rid quickly once I’d made the decision, so I could regroup and work on my plan. Man it’s good to not have that deadweight heading into retirement! 58 now, planning a good retirement from 67 (I love my work, self employed like you, happy to stay working for as long as the clients will have me), mortgage will be paid off soon, private pension should be ok, income from renting out a room tax free too. I no longer feel angry or frustrated at his lack of contribution, so I’m even more productive than I was and soooo much happier.

He’s found some other poor woman to sponge off 😂. And I’ve found a gorgeous younger man who is fulltime, steady employed. Quite a revelation, having a partner who works!

Argh, it may all go tits up but my life is my own now, I can make my own mistakes, not just deal with someone else’s.

Get rid OP. Quick.

Gosh can I come live with you, sounds like he's got it made. I'd get rid, he's already had 9 years to start pulling his weight he's had enough time.

I would leave him. If he was a proper SAHP and organised the house/life admin, kept the house etc then I would say he's doing his fair share.

Being parents is a partnership. I work part time, but I do more house/admin stuff.

I couldn't be with someone who was not an equal partner.

He won’t change. So you’ve got a decision to make.