Fed up with work shy husband

[boopeep76]

Background - married 20 years with 2 teenagers (15, 17). 9 years ago DH made redundant. Didn't know what he wanted to do and I wanted to work a bit more. Decided he would take a some time to think about what he wanted to do, perhaps retrain etc (He never has). He was never a full SAHD - kids were at school, my job had flexi hours/term time only - so whilst he did so some schools runs/childcare - it was still less then me and not something a working parent couldn't do. He would be in charge when I have to work away from home, but he also (pre-covid) would have on average 2 x 2 weeks walking trips away every year. He also never stepped up to take on more home stuff really. Despite half heartedly saying he was waiting for the right thing, thinking about various etc things he had never looked for a job. Alongside this he has had terrible bouts of depression - so I foolishly never pushed it as we can live off of my wages. Things came to a bit of a head (with is moods and lack of effort) about 6 months ago. He thought I was going to leave and promised to get a job and be generally better. His mood has improved loads (suddenly he's the happy one in the house after years of us walking on eggshells) and has stepped up doing more in the house but no effort with the job (one of the big promises). I know it is hard with covid but I genuinely feel he is happy to do nothing and using this as an excuse. What has really got me is he has said he wants to work part time. I actually don't have a problem with this in theory if part time is 3.5 - 4 days a week - but then he drops in 1 - 2 days a week. I am literally fuming inside. We have 20+ years left until pension (with no private pension either). How the f**k does he think that even covers his living costs let along contribute to the family and our future? In fact I can't even picture a future with him at the moment. This would be such a shock to him as he thinks he is the perfect adoring DH (I do get lots of love and complements but I feel these are hollow words because of his lack of action). He thinks I am obsessed by money because we don't "need" more money. Please tell me I am not insane - being made to feel like I am in the wrong for asking this, and like a doormat (which I know is of my own making). Need some wise words to tackle this as it is effecting my mood, sleep etc

[icouldusesomehelphere]

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[Galectable]

I have been in this situation for years. I finally manoevred our lives so that he could take care of the domestic chores, once I'd realised that he would never work for someone else. He has worked part time for years, in various forms of self employment. He also talks about living in a hut in the woods from time to time. Our kids have left home and it's got easier, but I still resent the years of money worries that could have been avoided if he'd just been prepared to get a real job. And yet leaving him would have felt like chopping off my arm.

[DeeThree]

@boopeep76 I think you have amazing patience! Best of luck for the future, I hope the counselling is helping.

[boopeep76]

@Hairyfairy01- we are both realistic about the kind of job he can get at the moment - so yes supermarket jobs are in the mix (I have done my share of these over the years when needed also, and there is nothing wrong with them at all) - the proof will be if he takes a job like this if offered....

[boopeep76]

@CakeRequired - I won't accept these excuses. I guess in a way I am giving him rope to hang himself or prove himself - and to be fair I have not put my foot down and stated what I want until recently. Now I have he is on a last chance. His MH has been v. bad - it is not an excuse but it is a reason - only now I have come to the point that it is not something I can continue to live with - which means dramatic change from him (including seeking help) or the alternative is he will have to deal with this alone and we will separate.

[floofycroissant]

He's applying in the worst job climate in the last century, be prepared for that as an excuse, but it is genuinely tough atm.

Unless he has a solid career direction from his last work stint, he might want to explore apprenticeships (NHS, college, trades etc) as an option. Having something he's works towards might help him feel the value of his job and the training would be a confidence boost.

I'm not sure the career gap would necessarily be a major red flag if he spun it as having time off to be a SAHD, plenty of women have similar gaps.

[Hairyfairy01]

How is he planning on explaining his 9 year absence from the workplace to potential employers? Is he applying for jobs that he realistically has a hope of getting or is he purposely applying for jobs that he knows will never employ him due to his lack of recent experience? Why is he not volunteering in the meantime (whilst continuing to apply for jobs). At least by volunteering it gets him out of the house and the opportunity to develop skills and network. With 9 years out of the workforce I should think he'll have to take anything to be honest. Supermarket / delivery work?

[CakeRequired]

[quote boopeep76]@CakeRequired when I say limited he has until end of March with finding something he likes until end of May to find anything. As I said - this is more for me than him.

@Cosyjimjamsforautumn - I am lucky my children take after me with work ethic and ambition. They love him but can't understand him not having a job and totally think he should get one.[/quote]
As I say, I wouldn't even give him that. He won't find one. He's had 9 years, he's taking the piss out of you and hoping you'll feel sorry for him still. Next will be 'do you want me sleeping on a park bench' when he can find no work. No one is going to employ him in work he's interested in unless he starts at the very beginning again, which he won't do because he 'knows the job'. Then the excuse will be he's too good for shop work. Then it will be the covid excuses. Is he using any of these already?

He's predictable sadly, because we've seen it on here before. He's not original, he's not special, he's a lazy shit who has taken advantage of his wife and made excuses.

[boopeep76]

@CakeRequired when I say limited he has until end of March with finding something he likes until end of May to find anything. As I said - this is more for me than him.

@Cosyjimjamsforautumn - I am lucky my children take after me with work ethic and ambition. They love him but can't understand him not having a job and totally think he should get one.

[Cosyjimjamsforautumn]

He's the same as my X-BIL who latched onto another mug of a woman to "keep" him within 3 months of my DSis kicking him out!
Sadly Dneice and nephew have the same lack of drive as their dad, no drive/ambition to find (or keep at) paid work since Uni and both lazy, arrogant and entitled (and TBH who'd want to employ them!)
Line up your ducks and make him get any job. Then leave before your kids model their life choices and drive on their father.

[CakeRequired]

I would be kicking him out. He can go live in his shack in the woods. Or he can get a job, any job, until the good one comes along. That's how it works, he has to work. Might not be what he wants to do, but let's face it, he's been unemployed for 9 years, his skills are gone. He can't be sat around all day doing fuck all, not even household stuff. He is a pisstaker.

[boopeep76]

@Mix56 Not yet. He is applying for jobs and is waiting to hear on several. I know some people will think I am too soft but I have said that I will give him a short period of time to apply for jobs he thinks he might like, but after that he needs to take any job. This is partly due to the fact we are okay on a day to day basis with money, partly that I know after so long it will be a (mental) struggle for him, and partly that if we do end up splitting up then I know I have been more than reasonable (this is for my own self-worth and the children not anybody else).

[Mix56]

Has he found a job?

[YukoandHiro]

That's great OP - it will really help you focus on what YOU want now, rather than just accommodating his desires

[Sssloou]

I am glad that you have found one to one time and space to express and process your thinking around this and that you found it useful.

[boopeep76]

The proof as they say will be in the pudding. Is this the wake up call he needed or will things slip back in a few weeks or months after a spurt of effort? After such a long relationship (with lots of love and shared experiences over the years) means that I am prepared to give it some more time to see if it changes. So whilst not giving a "get ANY job right now" ultimatum I have made it very clear that he needs to be applying now to reasonably acceptable jobs and committing financially and time and effort if he wants a shared future (and that we also need to have some honest conversations about what that future looks like as I am not sure we want the same things aside from the money/work thing). The counselling session was really helpful - a space to say 100% how I feel without wondering what someone else will think (this goes for how much I would tell friends etc not just my DH). I feel I am moving forwards for the first time in a long time, I just don't know yet which direction it will go in, but one thing is for sure it will NOT be staying like it has been.

[YukoandHiro]

OP, I think some of the posters are being unnecessarily negative. I can only speak from my own experience but sometimes people with depressive tendencies go "withdrawn" when they are processing things. And the fact that he's actively started looking for work does show more motivation to improve and save the relationship than others are giving credit for.

Yes he might be struggling with the idea of his very unchallenging life changing - who wouldn't be after almost a decade - but that doesn't mean he hasn't heard you clearly. The fact that he instigated the chat is a good sign.

I agree that counselling for you will be great and help you find your own way forward. It's up to him now to prove to you that he's worth bringing along for the ride

[Sssloou]

@Puzzledandpissedoff

The suicide angle is v important. Sometimes it’s a manipulative tactic

I can't pretend I've not wondered the same, especially as the "withdrawal" could be any number of things - a genuine "wow, I need to get my head together", an attempt at sulking to get OP back into line, shock at the ATM perhaps closing, a genuine descent into further MH problems, who knows?

Unfortunately, after 20 years of this and allowing for her excessive tolerance, it may be that OP isn't best placed to see t'other from which - and of course, if she allows it she'll be right back where she started

The answer is to flush it out / shine a light in it.....put it in the hands of professionals - if it’s real they will help much more than you can - if it isn’t the bluff is called and they can’t keep using it as a threat hanging over you.

I had a MH prof tell a dear friend that this was exactly what her DH was doing - he was sectioned at the time after his MH “spiralled” after she decided she wanted to move on.

She was been kept an emotional hostage. Same thing her DH never worked, he was far to special / precious / fragile.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

The suicide angle is v important. Sometimes it’s a manipulative tactic

I can't pretend I've not wondered the same, especially as the "withdrawal" could be any number of things - a genuine "wow, I need to get my head together", an attempt at sulking to get OP back into line, shock at the ATM perhaps closing, a genuine descent into further MH problems, who knows?

Unfortunately, after 20 years of this and allowing for her excessive tolerance, it may be that OP isn't best placed to see t'other from which - and of course, if she allows it she'll be right back where she started

[SimplyRadishing]

OP glad you had the good chat but honestly if he doesn't shape up in the next 6 month's start divorce.

You will be dumbfounded and amazed at how quickly this man who "wants to live in a shack" realises actually he doesn't want to do that but does want over 50% of the house and half your pension and maybe even some spousal support as he gave up his career to be a stay at home husband.
Tread carefully and decisively or you'll be working into your 70s due to facilitating his lifestyle.

Re suicidal tendencies you have good advice from others here.

[Sssloou]

@Student133

I'm in my early 20s so didn't have the marriage aspect of this, however I was very unwell mentally, and one of the things that MASSIVELY helped was working in a warehouse, and potentially something menial and physical (it is menial) like this where your husband is up exercising will probably help him if hes able to do it. It also fulfilled my need to show I had done something, even of it was minimum wage, as your depression cannot argue against a wage slip. Even if it's just a couple of days, find an agency near you and get your husband to give it a shot, there were some properly useless cases came through where I worked, so there won't be much expectation. Just the routine alone would be so good if hes been like this for years.

@Student133 well done to you personally and your contribution here is important.

We all have to take responsibility for managing chronic illnesses the best we can for ourselves and also our families. Whether it is diabetes or depression we need to be accountable for trying to add in lifestyle efforts to help us through. I wonder how involved with healthcare professionals this guy is / was and how much responsibility he takes for improving his MH?

The suicide angle is v important. Sometimes it’s a manipulative tactic. At these times it’s important to call an ambulance, insist he goes to A&E - because if he is actively suicidal he needs urgent medical intervention.

[Ilady]

To be honest he is thick because he has been finally told that he has to get a job after 9 years of doing fuck all. You have supported him,you and 2 kids all on your own for that length of time. Your always carrying the load re money - working out how to stretch it, which bill to pay next and then trying to have money aside to pay the unexpected bill.
I would get legal advice about what would happen if you got divorced because you might be better doing this soon after he gets a job. Let him see the reality of managing on X amount of money a week or a month.
I have a friend who has been out of work a few year's not in the uk. She has done some courses. Last year she started to do some volunteer work in a charity shop and it gave her experience and confidence. Where she lives is in lockdown. She is currently getting her CV ready to apply for jobs once the lockdown ends. She is getting a welfare payment each week and is is keen to work out because she would be far better off.

[gutful]

I agree that he is likely withdrawn & quiet because he is resentful that the gravy train has ended.

[Speakeasy22]

I had a very similar ex-husband - even the "live in a shack" type of comments. He was always critical of anyone else's aspirations, life styles etc. The marriage died a long, slow death. I spent so much time cajoling, persuading, pleading with him to change for his benefit and for the children. I wasted over 10 years doing this before divorcing. Then he wouldn't move out of the house (my house) for another 4 years. It all seemed so difficult to actually end it even though I was desperate to. My advice is not to believe that he will change. It is very unlikely and, frankly, not worth the effort. The only regret I have in life is that I didn't manage to end the marriage much sooner for my sake and that of the children. I doubt you need counselling tbh. Are you sure that isn't just an easier option than actually ending your marriage and moving on? Good luck.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

He may be withdrawn because even though he knows he has taken the piss for years, he is annoyed at being called out on it

My very thought - I'd have hoped he'd be sweetness and light after "the talk" but apparently not

Excellent news about the counselling though; as a PP said, someone who'll focus just on you will be hugely valuable, clarify your thinking, and hopefully help you to find your way out of this