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Original poster

Being pressured to become a SAHM

526 replies

whattodo202000 · 17/01/2021 16:10

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

OP posts:
Gwenhines · 17/01/2021 16:12

Would he consider going part time to look after her the 3 days you are working? If not then isn't he being selfish too?

Cockenspiel · 17/01/2021 16:12

If he thinks it’s selfish, why doesn’t he go part time and look after DD when you’re working?

MiddleClassMother · 17/01/2021 16:13

I think he's the selfish one, why doesn't he become a SAHD so you can have the career and go out for work. Put your foot down and go back to work.

BillMasheen · 17/01/2021 16:13

Why isn’t HE putting his daughter first, if it is so important to him?

(And it’s irrelevant if he’s the higher earner, if he genuinely cared, he would find a way to make it work.)

Push the problem back to him. Ever time. Sauce for the goose and all that.

Moirarose2021 · 17/01/2021 16:13

If he wants your dc to have a stay at home parent then he can do it

ThePlantsitter · 17/01/2021 16:13

Has he considered going part time?

As somebody who was a SAHM for a while I would NEVER advise somebody to do it if they weren't sure or knew they didn't want to. You sound pretty sure. Don't do it. I can elaborate of you want but I'm sure you're going to get universally the same answer on here

workingfortheclampdown · 17/01/2021 16:14

Why doesn't he become a SAHP then, if it's so great? You did your time with the baby, now it's his turn. He could at least go part time.

Or is it just your life that should change now that you have a child?

Don't do it. Why would you, what's in it for you?

Newwayofthinking · 17/01/2021 16:15

Why doesn't he be a SAHP?

Why isn't he being a selfish parent staying at work?

Does he want you tied to the kitchen sink, meals on the table like a good little woman?

Edgeoftheledge · 17/01/2021 16:15

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Very sensible

category12 · 17/01/2021 16:15

Stick to your guns and go back to work.

Username7521 · 17/01/2021 16:16

Surely the answer is for him to be a SAHP if he feels so strongly about it?

BaronessVonCake · 17/01/2021 16:17

Ugh why do people think the mother who should stay at home with the kids.

They have 2 parents don't they?

OhDear2200 · 17/01/2021 16:18

I did this and though it’s hard it’s manageable. Please don’t give up a career you enjoy.

You are not being selfish at all.

Tell him you’re thinking of the long term benefits for the whole family.

Listen to your mother, wise words.

Persipan · 17/01/2021 16:19

The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.
When in all of this does he look after her? Why is it all on you?

Absolutely go back to work. No question.

StephenBelafonte · 17/01/2021 16:19

I agree with all the rest, the obvious solution is for him to be the stay at home parent.

user1493413286 · 17/01/2021 16:21

If he feels strongly that your DD should be looked after by a parent then he should look at staying at home or going part time.
I agree that it’s really important to keep financial independence; I’ve seen too many women both on here and in real life stop working and then find that their DH doesn’t actually see their income as a family income or at some point split up and they’re stuck financially

PanamaPattie · 17/01/2021 16:22

Your mother is right. Always earn your own money and never be dependent on a man.

VettiyaIruken · 17/01/2021 16:25

Does that not also mean he is selfish and not putting his daughter first? 🤔
Put that to him.

BumbleBiscuit · 17/01/2021 16:27

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job

This advice is spot on!! If your DH is so keen on your daughter having a parent at home he can stay at home!!

category12 · 17/01/2021 16:28

If it's really about one parent being at home with the dc, as pps have said he could consider being the SAHP - or you could do it between you - he could look at his options to work flexibly, compress days, go part-time, so he could do his share.

But it's not really about your dd's welfare, is it? It's about liking having the wifey at home, dependent.

HeyJackKerouac · 17/01/2021 16:29

If you have the opportunity to work part time then you should grab it with both hands. Do not give up your career.

I suspect he's been enjoying all the benefits of you being home all the time and coming home every evening to dinner ready and he's worried about having to step up and do more.

And how dare he call you selfish for wanting a child and a career? It's what he has. Why isn't he the selfish one? Infuriating!

partyatthepalace · 17/01/2021 16:29

All your reasons are sound and sensible, so stick to your guns. He’ll get over it.

It’s hard to get away from the feeling that what he enjoys is a housewife at home. It’s understandable but better to acknowledge that, than dress it up as a concern for your child who will clearly be fine.

I think rather than get into a debate with him, the best thing is to crack on with your plans, which may involve him doing more childcare and housework as you return to work. However if you get any more pushback from him, you might want to point out that he will not enjoy you being at home when you are down and depressed, or when he suddenly gets ill and you need the second income, or when you have to pay uni fees and you’ve lost all your earning power, etc. Also, he can always look to reduce to 4 days, as other PPs have said.

DrRamsesEmerson · 17/01/2021 16:29

What he means is that he likes not having to shoulder any of the responsibility! Keep your job, you’re going to need it n a few years when you get fed up with being married to someone who doesn’t pull his weight.

Thewithesarehere · 17/01/2021 16:30

Why can’t he go back part time to see how you and DD enjoy him being around more to do all the thankless jobs he is hoping for you to do for the foreseeable? The cheek...Hmm

candide47 · 17/01/2021 16:31

Don't give up your financial independence by throwing away your career, if you can go back to work part time do it. Your DD will be in school in a few years and you may struggle to get back to work. As others have said, if he feels strongly about it - he can go part time and be at home.

Do not be guilt tripped about putting DD in childcare, you are with her for the majority of the week and it's good for kids to have contact with others too.