Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

Do not stop your part time work. You will regret it.

Genuinely, children do not suffer in any way by being apart from their parents a couple of days a week if they have loving parents the rest of the time. Some of the closest families I know have both parents working. Do not feel guilty. You never know what the future will hold and maintaining a career these days is so important.

Ah, so he wants you to be unemployed because he’s an utter deadbeat and failure of a father and husband. Did he impregnate you to keep you under control, I wonder, cause it obviously wasn’t because he wanted to parent a kid. Do you not want a better life than with that horrible man?

Oh, and do remember the tired but true mantra, ' a woman's/mother's place is in the wrong'. Whatever you do, there's always going to be those that judge you, and find you wanting. 'To thine ownself be true'.

Don't pay any attention op. London has basically just said that in 9 years she's never comforted a crying infant. If 'noone' ever did. Fact. then how could she have. 🤷‍♀️ That's really not someone whose opinion you should get upset over.

Just for the benefit of the OP & London ( who sounds utterly charming) childcare doesn’t have to be a nursery it could be a childminder 😱. ( or nanny share if you can afford it) My DD went to a lovely childminder just around the corner from my house and had a better social life than me. She went out to baby groups in the morning or to country parks / farms with other childminder friends then back for lunch and a quiet play and a nap. My DH and I split the drop off and pick up as we have always done ( because he’s not an arse). I worked for 3 days until she went to school and loved it

Quite apart from any emotional side, you going back to work makes financial sense. You earn more than childcare so as a household you are up. What if he has an accident or serious illness and can't work? It's not vanishingly unlikely, it happens to lots of people - and if you can just walk back into FT as a household you'll be much better off.

Unless there were serious financial problems, why the rush to leave your tiny baby so quickly with strangers after a mere 6 months?? This is precious time with your child you'll never get back

Has it occurred to you that some of us don't want that time back, because it was fucking awful for us?

But, you know, that doesn't matter, because we have working uteruses and are thus no longer people.

While you have 1 dd I think part time work is very sensible. It may get more complicated if you have more children. Keep in mind that being SAHP may be a good idea in a different time in your life, but sounds like now is not the time for it.

It shouldn't need saying but it obviously does! Being a good parent isn't just about being at home or not working. I've met great parents who work full time and absolutely horrendous ones who are home all day every day with their children and of course vice versa. I went back when dd was only 6 months op, in the first lockdown. My role is a key worker and work were struggling so I went back early. My Dd is very bonded with me, still breastfeeding at 1+ she's also very bonded with Dp who was the one looking after her and Ds when I went back. He's actually so pleased it worked as it did as he got that extra time with them he wouldn't have and didn't get with Ds. So my suggestion is for your Dp to take the next 3 months off while you go back to work, if he cares about his daughter that is.

I can never get my head around the concept that mothers should stay home but fathers don't have to.
We planned for us both to work after our first child but in the event we decided we would both go part time to spend more time with them. We both worked the same number of days per week, just the opposite ends of the week. It would never have occurred to me to give up work entirely.
If your oh wants a parent at home full time then either he could do it or you could take it in turns.
Your second post worries me though. If he's never done bath time etc then he sounds like a bit of a d**k and as though he's stuck in the 1950s so I'm guessing he wouldn't agree to go part time.

Tell him he can go part time and cover the childcare

It’s both parents responsibility. You have a right to a career just as much as he does, being a SAHM doesn’t suit anyone and you could end up resenting the fact

Cross post, just seen the baby's grandmother would be looking after the baby, instead of them being dumped in a nursery at 6 months old, which is actually a lovely arrangement. I do still wonder if there are no drastic financial reasons, why at 6 months when baby is still so tiny and not after some more months, but I do understand that some women are less maternal.

Or alternatively, some women very sensibly balance their lives, have made good careers for themselves that it would be a shame to throw away (particularly if their DH is a misogynistic arse), and don't feel the need to make their children their whole reason for being. I wish I'd been that sensible, lol.

I didn't 'dump' my children at nursery as I'm sure most people don't. Most people choose their childcare carefully.

No harm done in spending 4 days out of 7 with your child while someone else cares for them the rest of the time. Sometimes I think people have to put others down because actually they are insecure about their own choices and lack of career.

@MixMatch It is quite sad that the babies Dad chooses not to raise his child when he could be using SPL for six months. Thankfully we no longer live in the 1950’s, but it seems a few people are stuck there and thinking parenting is only for women.

Why doesn't DH go part-time?

Going to back to work does not mean you have no maternal instinct, just ignore the Mrs America posters, they probably think you shouldn't vote either.

Yes sorry for any misunderstanding @MixMatch. I was a bit frazzled when I wrote my OP and probably didn't really explain the situation properly. I had only just had a big argument with DH where he told me I was not maternal and horrible for not wanting to be a SAHM for my DD.

I always planned to go back to work part time when my DD was a year old before COVID hit. In this new world, my DM has been furloughed with very little hope of going back to work as it stands. She has been my support since my DH never stepped up and she would love to look after her while I am working 3 days a week. My work are also very eager for me to come back 3 days a week (when I told them my change in plans) so it just made sense. My DH really has not taken this news well and originally I thought it was because she is so young - although I must say my DM lives locally and does such a good job looking after her and I find that it helps my DM's mental health as she does not see anyone except my DD at the moment.

After questioning it turns out my DH doesn't want me to return to work at all and wants me to be a SAHP for the next few years which really is not what he agreed.

I also forgot to add, I would like to help my mother financially during this hard time so again it makes sense for me to go back to work and give her what I would have given a nursery. She really does not want anything from me but really wants me to ensure I keep my job and career especially in this current crisis.

If you were both interested in you being a sahp, that would be great. Since you are not, if he doesn’t want Dc in child care, he needs to look at going part time himself.

After reading this update OP, I strongly recommend that you tell him to shove his mouldy ideas where the sun doesn’t shine.

Also what counts as 'not maternal'?
I'm maternal, I love my children, however I'm also not stupid enough to assume my husband won't ever get ill, lose his job, run off with someone else etc, and I'm happy knowing I could provide for my family if necessary, which to me is more important than a few extra days of my children's lives changing nappies - which they won't ever even remember!

Oooooooooh boy. . . he needs a bit of a reality check, doesn't he?! It sounds to me, like it's not his child he's thinking will benefit from you being a SAHP, it's all about him. . .

Stay employed

Stay financially independent

He can pay half the childcare

Protect your future always

Would he give up his job to care for his child ?