Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

It's not about being "less maternal", it's about personality.

Some people enjoy being at home and really thrive with it - others need different things, need external stimulation and find it a depressing grind being at home. It doesn't mean they love their children less or are not maternal. What bullshit.

It doesn't benefit a child to guilt and pressure their mother into staying at home fulltime if they're likely to become depressed or become less emotionally healthy. A depressed mum is less likely to provide a happy healthy emotional environment for their child.

God there is some sexist shite on this thread.

Do not give up your job if you don’t want to. I think financial independence so I generally think that unless a child has a significant need there is no need for one parent to stay at home. I also think both parents working (preferably part time) sets a better example to the child/ren.

Your husband is actively choosing to be a bad parent, he is calling you crap and destroying your self confidence to make himself feel better.

If your husband wants you to give up work has he fully costed your pension contributions etc? Or is he ignoring both his financial responsibilities as well as his parenting responsibilities.

Being a SAHM is great IF it's what you want to do. As it isn't, then absolutely 100% go back to work. 3 days a week sounds ideal, basically he doesn't want to have to pull his weight and enjoys not doing so, but your job is just as important as his.

The biggest problem here is not whether or not to return to work, it's that you have an unsupported husband who is critical and unpleasant.

Unsupportive that should say.

Every accusation he hurls at you could equally apply to him. If your daughter needs a parent around, it can just as well be him as you.

As for the suggestion that you are being unmaternal, does that apply to the millions of working mothers that there are around the world? Does he work with any mothers, and would he care to tell them that they aren't maternal and are failing their children?

So he's controlling as well as being a nasty bully?

Please don't justify his behaviour with "but he's a good dad" when he's refused to care for his daughter in addition to treating his wife badly.

I hope you don't let him stop you from returning to work as planned.

@Respectabitch

Unless there were serious financial problems, why the rush to leave your tiny baby so quickly with strangers after a mere 6 months?? This is precious time with your child you'll never get back

Has it occurred to you that some of us don't want that time back, because it was fucking awful for us?

But, you know, that doesn't matter, because we have working uteruses and are thus no longer people.

@Respectabitch If you describe time with your own tiny precious baby as "fucking awful" then I don't think the issue is the baby. I don't know if you're talking about your own specific experience and if so, I'm sorry if that's how you perceive your own child.

There may also be issues going on with mental health etc. which can very understandably affect how some mothers feel about their child and it's important that they are given all the support and love they need. However the normal human and natural instinct of a mother is to want to bond to and spend quality time with her own child. It doesn't mean you enjoy every second, because of course having a tiny baby is hard (and is why the joint involvement of your husband/relatives is important).

I totally understand why some women wouldn't want to be permanent stay at home parents (I personally wouldn't either) but we're talking about a tiny baby who is literally just 6 months old. Not even 1 year old which is the common maternity leave period. I hate this rhetoric that having a maternal instinct and wanting to care for the baby they helped create somehow dehumanises women. It doesn't at all. And why is work automatically more important than an actual human person who's only a few months old?

Absolutely go back to work. It's so lovely to have work life balance and have the best of both worlds. Only 3 days a week is very easy and you are still home most of the week. I think, though, that your dh needs to consider taking those days off instead of your mum. Let him experience what it's like to be a SAHP! I bet he's loved things since you've been at home. Who wouldn't when it sounds like they haven't had to lift a finger? When I went back to work both times after my mat leaves, I was commuting to London part of the week. With my youngest, this was 18 hours a week of commuting, meaning I left before anyone got up and got home at 7:30-8pm. In between those times, our youngest did go to nursery 2 days (eldest in school), but dh did all the parenting from getting dc up, dresssed, off to school and nursery, and he did initially one day a week at home with youngest until we could get a place in nursery that day, he collected eldest from school every day at 3pm, did homework, dinner, bathtime and I was home in time to usually help with bedtime. That's what a partnership should look like. If your dh isn't willing do to that to support you having a career, honestly I wouldn't see much hope in the relationship going forward if your work and career is seen as a 'side hustle' instead of what it actually is. Men are just as capable as doing all that women do. In my case, dh is a company director and certainly makes more than me on a day-to-day basis. But he gladly cuts his days short, does the school runs, the bedtimes, etc to support me in my career.

This has nothing to do with maternal instinct - you have it in spades and still need or want to go back to work.

I have worked 3 days since both of mine were 1 with 2 in the office. They have always been with my parents (then preschool/school) and they have gained so much with their relationship with their grandparents and it is lovely to watch.

I have gained from being able to continue having a bit of me and an identity outside of being a mum.

So you are absolutely making the right decision in going back.

That said your husband sounds awful. He hasnt done anything with his daughter so where is his parental instinct. The problem is I think that he would like simply to work and not do anything else and you going back changes that.

I would be questioning why you are with him

OMG just seen your updates about the dinosaur father still stuck in the fifties who has never done anything for his daughter and expects you to stay at home and do everything. This does not bode well.

Stick to your guns OP. Go back to work .Don't become financially dependent on him.

I forgot to say that he should absolutely contribute half of the childcare. There is a pretty strong chance he is creating this scene to get away with not paying his part of childcare. He will simply shrug his shoulder and say that it’s you who wants to do the job so it should be you who should pay the cost.
Do not let him get away with this.

How is he a good dad? You say he does nothing at the moment and you rely on your dm... so he earns money, so do you. He obviously likes you at home doing all the hard work of raising children because it makes his life easy. I worked similar hours until school and then 5 short days so I could drop off to school and pick up some days, it was perfect and my career is doing ok, my 17yo and 15yo are both doing well at school and socially. I’d be wary, some men become arses when babies arrive as they think they’ve’got’ you. Stay financially strong and make him parent. Hope it all works out!

I really hope you're giving some serious consideration to the future of your marriage. Being employed is much better for you.

I think you are extremely wise
His change of heart when he also has never done any bath time, nappy change just tells you what is happening. He is worried that you have no matera, instinct (nice attach there too - basically telling you you’re not a good mum).
No what is happening is that he enjoys to be waited on hands and foot and wants you to keep that. No matter the cost to you.

It’s nothing to do with your ability to be a mother. After all, if there was anything wrong with you being a mum, he would want to either be the one at home looking after dc OR send dc to nursery so they are looked after appropriately. He wouldn’t be insisting you spend even MORE time with dc if you are not good at it!

He has never changed a nappy? Says it all about whose welfare this is really about, and it isn’t you or your child. Go back full time now and tell him he’s taking shared parental leave for the next six months. After that you will figure out how to split childcare equally. His reaction will tell you everything about how he sees the future of this marriage. Then you can decide if you want to stay in it.

Btw I agree that seeing his comments, I’d be EVEN MORE determined to go back to work.

Otherwise, you’ll end up stuck as a SAHM, him expecting to have nothing to do at all in the house ‘because it’s your job now’ and you wondering how on Earth you can get out of there wo living in poverty.

Been there and got the tshirt. Don’t do the same than me.

It sounds like your DM has probably done more parenting than your DH. Your DD will be completely fine with your DM. She presumably already has a relationship with her so it will be easier than leaving her at a nursery.

Your DH needs to update his ideas and stop being insulting. It is fine to prefer your child not to go to nursery and to consider ideas. It is not fine to try to dictate what you do and insult you. It is also not ok to not do any parenting. It sounds like your DH sadly has a 1950s wife work view of things.

@MixMatch
Women today are fortunate that they can take a year as mat leave if they want to. When I was a new mum (DD's now 19 and 21) we only got somewhere between 4-6 months off. Both my DDs went to childcare at 6 months old, primarily to my mum and then a nursery after a few months. They turned out fine and weren't emotionally damaged by the situation.

As far as the OP is concerned, If this was me I'd be telling my DH that he either supports my decision or he would become a part-time dad himself when I left him, and then he'd be doing half the childcare too.

My DH has never done a bath time, nappy change, anything to do with DD's upbringing.

Your DH doesn't seem to be very paternalistic. He's obviously stuck in the 1950's and wanting to come home to a tidy house, dinner on the table, kids in bed and his slippers and pipe all waiting for him.

There's no fucking way I'd stop work with a DH like this.

OP your dm has sussed out your dh better than you.
She absolutely has his number.
Listen to your dm because I’d put a tenner on you being a single parent in 5 years time.
And if he doesn’t step up don’t have another dc with him.

@MixMatch

I've been a sahm for over 20 years. Despite this choice I think you are talking utter rubbish.

Op your husband is telling you and showing you who he is. I really hope you are strong enough to go back to work.

Imagine what he'd be like if you split up......

I agree with the majority - if he doesn't want to use childcare yet he can take some time out. Why doesn't he take shared parental leave if he feels the baby is too young to be away from parents? I think I know the answer....

What does your twat of husband know about being a good mother or being maternal? I’m going to guess that his mother was SAHM and he thinks you should act like her. As if.

I think you are being ver sensible.
I went back 2 days a week when first Ds was 10 weeks, MIL did a great job till she moved out of town just few months later and I had no consistant childcare. Had I still had her I would not have taken a short career break. But at 18 month I found good care and went back. Dh would do nursery pick up on those days and feed him and put him to bed as I'd get in late.
You are supposed to be a team, he needs to support you with your career not undermine you. Having your Mum care for the baby is ideal.