Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

I've done both and me a my daughter are much happier me working part time.

Our time together is better quality, I have more patience.

And yes, if that's what he feels she needs he can do that.

"My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave."

I mean he just sounds utterly selfish from that, doesn't he?

Wow 100% of posters think he is being unreasonable!! Listen to the wise women of mumsnet OP.
I got made redundant when on mat leave - dh had said there was no rush for me to get a new job, he liked me being at home but it was my choice and as soon as l decided to get a job, he was 100% supportive and shared the childcare, absolutely no question. World of difference. Don't give up the job!!! Mum was right!!

If you can keep your career going part time, that’s the ideal. It really helps as well build up momentum for the future - by the time my children were in school, I’d built up to a senior role and so things like taking time off fit school events were much easier for me because I had more autonomy over my working hours.

You must do what YOU think is right. Never allow anyone to pressurise you into doing things you don't want to.
3 days is hardly going to make a dent in the time you spend with your daughter.
I'd question his motives for suggesting this, is it because you do everything and he doesn't have to?
I'd never give up work, it puts you in an extremely vulnerable position and also when you have children you need to be doing something that isn't never ending childcare and housekeeping for your own sanity.

Don’t give up your career! Wise advice on here 👍🏻

Go back to work!! You don't sound comfortable with the idea of being a sahp and it also sounds like getting back to work would be quite difficult should you have a career break. You wouldn't want to be in an situation where you get trapped at home, especially if another kid comes along and retraining becomes a lot more awkward. Fwiw I do three days a week and DC get a good balance of time with me and the variety of being in nursery or with GP. 😊

IF you were to choose to be a SAHP he needs to pay into your pension the equivalent of what your own contributions would be PLUS the equivalent of what your employer contributions would be. Even consider this for returning PT. I pay extra into my pension from "joint family money" to account for the reduction I took in going PT. Obviously works both ways if your DH goes PT. You might save on childcare costs but there are other expenses in giving up paid employment.

Its absolutely your choice, if you think you are best placed back at work a few days, go for it, its not his decision.

He wants you to be a Sahp. Does he not think he could become one as he has a penis?

Quote: "I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night."

When you return to work, sort out childcare arrangements (why can't he do drop off/pick up?) and the distribution of household chores. Pre-COVID I went to the gym/evening classes x 3 nights a week so DP did bath/bedtime (once breastfeeding had stopped). If you prepare baby's dinner, he needs to do the adult dinner etc.

Your mother gave you great advice. Hats off to her!

You enjoy your job and want to go back to it. You will continue to earn money and put into your pension, I'm assuming you'll have more disposable income than if you didn't work.

If your DH feels so strongly about it, he can take the other 3 days off and look after the baby.

I hope you're splitting childcare costs and it's not coming out of your income only?

Think you have your answer OP! Your mum was a very wise woman. I never gave up my career and I have instilled in my daughter the same wise words of absolute financial independence from any man whether married or not, children or not. I am reaping the rewards for never being financially dependent on any man or anyone. Dont ever give up your career. Work with you husband to support your career and his career.

I love my DH and all that. But I’d sooner chew off my left arm than voluntarily become financially dependant on him.

He’s a good bloke but nobody knows what’s round the corner and especially currently with covid and brexit, I would not leave my job. You said it makes sense financially for you to return to work. I’d hang on to a job I loved.

While I totally support anyone who wants to be a SAHM, I would never want to be financially dependent on a man.

My SIL stayed at home for 18yrs, my BIL left her for another woman and financially she is screwed. He is paying maintenance for her 2 DC but now has to sell the house so he can buy another property for himself.

She is late 40s and can't afford a mortgage on her own so although she will get half the proceeds of the sale for a new property she is really going so struggle.

When my DC were small and I was working it was bloody hard work juggling anything but now they're older, my salary has increased and I have much more flexibility in terms of wfh etc. I'm so glad I carried on working even though there were many occasions when I wanted to Jack it all in!

It's fairly obvious what's in it for him, if you stay on as a SAHP - which is to say, quite a bit. However, what's in it for you, particularly if it is not what you want to do, or what you feel is right for you and your family, is not so apparent. As someone who did SAHP, at first voluntarily, and then reluctantly as a result of circumstances, I would say, do not be guilt-tripped or manipulated into this by a person with their own bias and agenda.

As a SAHP, you really shouldn't do it if you don't want to.

Question though, what about the rest of your 52 weeks leave?

If you can afford to live on one salary why not take the rest of the year / do shared parental leave and then re evaluate the decision together. Is that the compromise? You share the rest of the leave and then see what works

You need to make that decision yourself.
I gave up my 1st career to look after my DS for too long for me to go back to this so I retrained and did something totally different. Although i enjoyed my 1 st career I don’t regret being a SAHM for 8 years as I loved being a full time mum when the boys were young. There are always options, go with what you feel is right.
Could your husband perhaps work part time too so you share childcare? Good luck

Happy mum.
Happy baby.

Sounds to me like the work-parent balance will be right for you and DD just Dad with the problem.

If you never said you would give up work to be a parent then don't. You can make it work.

Enjoy what ever your choice.

Oh dear. He's already showing his hand that he's a selfish prick. Of course he wants you completely reliant on him, at home to do all the woman work and he continues his life as it has always been.

What fucking century is this? The reason men treat women like this, is because we let them. Women go part time or SAHP because their partners couldn't possibly do the nursery run with their high powered all important job. Utter bollocks.

DH and I both went back full time after 6 months and we split the drop offs and home chores and night feeds equally. As it should be.

My career took a hit just because I was less employable, apparently by the very fact I had a young child (although sleep deprivation, they probably had a reasonable point) and it's taken 4 years to get back to the same position I was in before DD.

Working full time, in decent careers with a young child is possible, bloody hard, but possible. Your DH just wants to make it so that he doesn't have to do the grunt work, and gives zero fucks about you, your career, your mental health. He'll be able to pass every night waking, every bath time, every doctors appointment and sick day onto you without it affecting him in the slightest.

Listen to your mother. Don't do it. Don't put another working career women back into the 1960s. You can have a family and a career, as long as you have a supportive partner.

@Twizbe

As a SAHP, you really shouldn't do it if you don't want to.

Question though, what about the rest of your 52 weeks leave?

If you can afford to live on one salary why not take the rest of the year / do shared parental leave and then re evaluate the decision together. Is that the compromise? You share the rest of the leave and then see what works

Not a bad idea re: SPL. If he thinks being a SAHP will be so great for the child, why doesn't he take the remaining 4-5 months as SPL? He'll even get some pay. I'm sure he'll love it.

my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first

Yet is he considering being a SAHP or going Part Time himself so he is there for your daughter?? I imagine not...

You are entitled to an identity outside that of DDs mum, and if you don't want to be a SAHP then no-one has a right to try and push you into it. I suspect he just likes it because it's easier for him, he doesn't have to worry about pesky issues like childcare and cleaning because he has you to do all of that, so I'd question who is truly the selfish one in this conversation!

Go back!!

I'm gonna mirror what alot have already said on here. If he cared about his child having a stay at home parent he would reduce his hours or give up his job.
Equally as the child is only 6 months why has he not yet taken shared parental leave to look after his child?