Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

If you want to go back and would benefit from it in c. 5 years in terms of career directions, go back.

It takes some compromises from him even to drop off/ pick up from childcare (if this is an option that comes with the work plans). He's hoping that will all be handled by you. Don't set that precedent as primary school means a lot more of the same.

, @London1977. The 1950s called, they want their attitude back. I see her husband gets a free pass even though he hasn’t taken any leave.

I think the point is that the op’s DH is pressuring her to go back to work and she loves her job. It’s literally in the title of the thread and the op.
Sure if she hates her job and wants to be a sahm, I’d say go for it , good for you but that’s not what the op is saying.

So I'll go against the grain. It's up to you. It's your choice. You're the mum, you gave birth, you have the maternal instinct. But if you're happy leaving someone else to raise your baby, you go for it. I will say this though, a someone who spent 9 years working in some of the 'best' nurseries, when your baby cries they will not pick them up and cuddle them. Fact. So you enjoy your independence. If you can't even wait until they're a year old before gagging to go back to work, i don't think maternal instinct is your strong point. Of course everyone here will disagree with me, but then they all work don't they.

I work @London1977 firstly I'm still raising my own children thanks!
Also as part of my job I have close links to nurseries and your post is untrue or you worked in rubbish nurseries. Also being a stay at home parent doesn't make you a good one at all, in fact I've seen quite the opposite in my line of work.

He needs to 'stop being selfish and put his daughter first' and go part time or SAHP then!

He likes having you at home because everything gets done i bet!my dp hated me being on maternity leave cause the house was always a mess 🤷‍♀️

@London1977 just because that’s your experience of work place. That’s not everyone’s and in case you didn’t notice some of can’t afford to be a SAHP let alone in a pandemic

@London1977
My dd went to nursery once a week for a few hours from 11 months. The baby room at her nursery was lovely. It’s what attracted me there. I don’t believe they left the babies. The staff used to rock the babies to sleep if they couldn’t sleep. I would sometimes arrive to see a sleeping baby in someone’s arms etc.

@London1977

Well i can see the 'you must go back to work' brigade are out in force.

So I'll go against the grain. It's up to you. It's your choice. You're the mum, you gave birth, you have the maternal instinct. But if you're happy leaving someone else to raise your baby, you go for it. I will say this though, a someone who spent 9 years working in some of the 'best' nurseries, when your baby cries they will not pick them up and cuddle them. Fact. So you enjoy your independence. If you can't even wait until they're a year old before gagging to go back to work, i don't think maternal instinct is your strong point. Of course everyone here will disagree with me, but then they all work don't they.

You were clearly a shit nursery worker and shouldn’t have been working there.

I have friends who work in nurseries and they really adore working in the baby room and they do cuddle babies who cry. My daughters nursery one baby was crying lit so the nursery key worker was taking it in turns to carry the baby and soothe him.

My dc went and go to nursery they’ve thrived at nursery really enjoying playing with other children, having a structured child focussed day constantly, they have a varied palate as they try different foods at nursery, they have amazing vocabularies and love playing with their friends.

My dc clearly do not go to the nursery you work at. Thankfully.

Oh and they stroked the toddlers backs it they were struggling to sleep.

London if every word of what you say is true, then yes, one of them need to be a SAHP. OP doesn't necessarily think that's best, her DH does. So it's his turn, yes? Then everyone's happy.
FWIW my two went to nursery pt from four and five months. They're now teens and it's the single best decision I ever made. All bonded well enough and no lasting damage.
And my pension is great.

@whattodo202000

How secure is his job, especially with Covid?

Have you discussed with him in detail what all the underlying reasons are for him preferring you to look after your child full time? Some people are assuming the worst, regarding his motivations (perhaps due to their own bad experiences) but they don't know your husband OP and there could be much more to this.

Especially at your DD's age, having one of her own parents looking after her is so much better than leaving her in childcare if possible. That parent could be him or you, or both of you going part time.

Absolutely would not give up my career and your mum is 100% right.

I agree with the other posters, about financial independence etc and your sense of identity and self worth, if that is connected to your career. If your husband really did change his mind because "he enjoyed" you being at home it sounds even more selfish.

To add (if it were me and my daughter), I would think it is beneficial for her to spend time with other children her age and to have a working mother as a role model.

@London1977

Well i can see the 'you must go back to work' brigade are out in force.

So I'll go against the grain. It's up to you. It's your choice. You're the mum, you gave birth, you have the maternal instinct. But if you're happy leaving someone else to raise your baby, you go for it. I will say this though, a someone who spent 9 years working in some of the 'best' nurseries, when your baby cries they will not pick them up and cuddle them. Fact. So you enjoy your independence. If you can't even wait until they're a year old before gagging to go back to work, i don't think maternal instinct is your strong point. Of course everyone here will disagree with me, but then they all work don't they.

What an unkind post.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am really lucky that in the interim (while COVID is out in force) my mother will me looking after my DD while I am working. She lives locally and has been furloughed and might be about to be made redundant which is worrying.

I am not going to lie, I read @London1977 and felt like crying - my husband says exactly the same thing and tells me that I have no maternal instinct and am selfish for wanting to go back to work

I am normally so strong and decisive but being a FTM is so hard especially with COVID and no groups. I am going to keep posting here.

My DH has never done a bath time, nappy change, anything to do with DD's upbringing. His contribution as he puts it is going to work which is probably why I am also keen to go back to work so that he hopefully steps up and does more with our DD. Financially what I earn exceeds childcare costs so it really does make sense for me to go back. I would like my DD to go part time to nursery to see other children hopefully after this current lockdown when she will probably be nearly a year old.

Stick to your guns. If you SAH you'll never get back to work and will get stuck with 100% of the shitwork of raising kids and keeping a house. You've already got a misogynist for a husband, don't give away your power.

I was a SAHP, for far too long. I also had my children in ece part time from around 18 months, because I was studying. Because I had the luxury of more time than some, I was able to spend a lot of time at that nursery, observing how the children were treated - heck the kids got to know me so well, they'd rock on up for a lap and a story, lol. At our nursery, which became our extended family, the children were most certainly comforted when they cried, supported when they were shy, and soothed as they went down to sleep. I only ever saw one bitch of a worker who laughed at a child's tears and refused to pick her up, and she got her comeuppance in very short order. If that's not the way you or your nursery operated, then that's an indictment on you and them, London1977, no more, and no less.

I have known far too many 'SAHP's', who used that time to do sweet fanny adams, including parent their child who spent far too much time strapped in a stroller, glued to a screen.

Staying at home with your child is not the one true measure of how good a mother you are, that measure simply does not exist.

Ok with your update, definitely you must go back to work OP. But I do wonder if your DH has never done a bedtime, changed a nappy or done a bath, what the actual point of him is.
He won't step up when you go back to work btw, not unless you threaten to leave him in the interim.

"my husband says exactly the same thing and tells me that I have no maternal instinct and am selfish for wanting to go back to work"

OMG!

He's not just selfish he's down right nasty!

And a shit father.

My DH has never done a bath time, nappy change, anything to do with DD's upbringing. His contribution as he puts it is going to work

Next time he mentions selfishness or maternal feeling, hold your hand up and say 'I'm not taking any more parenting lectures from someone who's never done bath time or changed a nappy. Come back when you know what you're talking about'.

Don’t listen to her OP. Terrible advise. Unless she’s had a genuine bad experience I’ve no idea why that poster wrote that.

Years ago my mum put my sister in nursery from young in order to save for a house. One of the nursery workers didn’t want children but she became so fond and attached my mum let her take my sis home for the weekend!! A couple of years later the nursery worker had her own child.

Just because someone isn’t over maternal doesn’t mean you love your child any less!!

How old will your DD be?

@whattodo202000 it seems you have a serious DH problem. He does not have a paternal instinct and is a misogynist - he sees parenting and domestic charges as the woman's job.

He is likely to strongly resist doing any of it even when you return to work...

I found it easier to return to work when my DC were younger before their separation anxiety had developed.

@London1977

Well i can see the 'you must go back to work' brigade are out in force.

So I'll go against the grain. It's up to you. It's your choice. You're the mum, you gave birth, you have the maternal instinct. But if you're happy leaving someone else to raise your baby, you go for it. I will say this though, a someone who spent 9 years working in some of the 'best' nurseries, when your baby cries they will not pick them up and cuddle them. Fact. So you enjoy your independence. If you can't even wait until they're a year old before gagging to go back to work, i don't think maternal instinct is your strong point. Of course everyone here will disagree with me, but then they all work don't they.

I agree. Unless there were serious financial problems, why the rush to leave your tiny baby so quickly with strangers after a mere 6 months?? This is precious time with your child you'll never get back. No matter how much you love your career is that really so much more important than that time with your own child, that you voluntarily choose not to spend some more time with the little baby who's uniquely bonded with you. I actually find it quite sad

Why isn't he interacting with his own child? Why did he want a baby if he's not engaging with her?

I found being a SAHM awful for my mental health. It's honestly better for the whole family for you to go back if you want to and are finding it difficult being home fulltime - it's not good for anybody if you end up depressed or struggling.

I would not count on him stepping up tho.

I am not going to lie, I read @London1977 and felt like crying - my husband says exactly the same thing and tells me that I have no maternal instinct and am selfish for wanting to go back to work

I am side eyeing your husband pretty hard here. London's post was some pure bitchy sexist bullshit. Has he shown any signs of this before?

I have great maternal instinct and am a great mum, and I practically skipped back to work at 8 months with both of mine. I work 4 days and find it a great balance. Anyone that gives me shit about it can go and talk to DH, who went back to work when DS1 was three weeks old and has worked FT ever since (and then FOTTFSOFATFOSM). Incidentally both DC adore DH and DS1 has recently decided DH is his favourite parent.