Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

Thanks for the replies. Leaving my DD unattended is the last straw, there is no coming back from this! I can't believe this thread has been going on so long, I have come such a long way since that first post. In the last few weeks I have made sure I have moved all important documents to my DM's house and made copies of bank statements, etc when he has been out.

I got so annoyed, last night I told him I would like a divorce and there was no coming back from this. He keeps apologising for everything, for leaving DD and has been crying his eyes out. He packed up and went to his DM's last night. She called me earlier today and told me that he has done nothing wrong and that DD can entertain herself for a few minutes! WTF?

A poster mentioned everything unravelling when their child came along, that is exactly what has happened to me. We have known each other for years, got married, were happy and within months of having DD are getting divorced.

Only positive I can take from this is that I am hopefully going to be able to give my DD a good life and am young enough to start again (not that I am anywhere near ready for another man in my life)!

I just keep getting text messages with him proclaiming his love for me. Not sure how he things that is going to change my mind. For those who have been through this, do they normally turn nasty? My "DH" doesn't like conflict to is unlikely to shout and scream but will probably do it by text or through his mother. She's already called me twice today.

My DS is 9, I went back FT when he was 11mo. He was full time in nursery, save for the occasions where he was unwell and Dad worked from home on those days. He's also an only child as we were unable to have another after him.

Because he was in nursery, he's sociable, confident, makes friends easily, is a brilliant friend, is great in groups or one to one and the experience for him has been far more educational and varied to what he may have had at home with me. He's on track to turning into a wonderful young lad and I could not be prouder - but I can't take all the credit - his 'village' that helped me look after him all contributed to how he turned out. And he's super close to me and his dad, so no bonding issues there either.

You made the right decision to leave. It's far better to call it quits early than to stay when it's bad - my own Dsis is proof of that. She thought she could wait until her children were older to separate and did when they were in their teens and it's been hell for her and the kids. She should have left back when they were toddlers. But she says herself she was too proud to admit the marriage wasn't working.

He'll threaten 50/50 but he will only go through with it if he's got a willing SAH person to foist your DD onto - his mother perhaps? But for the moment I'd not be showing him a fucking thing about DDs routine, likes, dislikes so he can swot and try to pass himself off as some sort of parent.

@whattodo202000

I just keep getting text messages with him proclaiming his love for me. Not sure how he things that is going to change my mind. For those who have been through this, do they normally turn nasty? My "DH" doesn't like conflict to is unlikely to shout and scream but will probably do it by text or through his mother. She's already called me twice today.

He's panicking now. But that's not your problem. He had years to drag his arse out of the 50s and to listen to his wife instead of his mother. And chose not to. Because it suited him to treat you like a household appliance.

Now if he's nice and doing dishes and changing nappies, it proves that he knew he was being a shit all along but didn't care and that he was actually capable but chose not to, until it starts to affect him. That shows a marked lack of respect.

You sure he's not got keylogger/spyware on your devices or in the home?

He was only doing this to lure you into changing your mind.

Actions speak louder than words. By your not so dear H, leaving a 14month year old unattended and just walking out the house, just proves what an entitled self serving arse that he is.

His mother is a flying monkey and is trying to emotionally manipulate you into forgiving him.

Put you phone onto aeroplane mode or temporarily block her number.

I’d also be inclined to move into your mothers house.

What a twat

OP,
Do not answer the phone to your mother.
You don't have to give her air time.

BUT, I think it would be wise to at some point in a text make the point that his mother has made it very clear that she agreed with him leaving the house and leaving a 14 month old fully unattended.

I think it is important to have proof of exactly what he did and that his mother agrees.

The truth is you could have left the house yourself thinking he was on duty, therefore your child would have been alone.

I know that you wouldn't have, but the fact is that he was on duty and just abandoned his child.

He is a complete waster.

Perhaps later today you can send him a text telling him that you want him to remain at his mothers as you need time to think because you are SO upset that he went out cycling when he was clearly on duty.

See the solicitor and get the house valued while he is gone.
It would be good to have an approximate valuation with you.
Bring copies of all your finances with you.

I think you are a fantastic woman and mother.
You are not prepared to spend 20 years with this waster.

If necessary, sell the house and move in with your mother, but get your divorced started.

Your MIL is a disgrace defending him.
She should be giving him a complete bollixing, but no wonder he is the way he is.

A teenager would know that you NEVER leave a tiny toddler alone for a minute.

Stay strong and pay no attention to his snivelling.

This thread is a very sobering thread, you really never know how a man will behave once a baby arrives.

Did he really NEVER display ANY selfishness before the baby arrived?
It is extraordinary how this all leaked out of him once your baby arrived.

Keep posting, and keep strong.

Expectations by his mum, def have not helped, he has chosen this path, and it’s deliberate.
Different if through I’ll health or unable, he reaps what he sows

It's a good idea to keep communicating through texts. It means you have a dated record of when events occur. I would make sure I can evidence of what happened via text. If he admits now that he left dd alone then he can't deny it later in court.

Agree, keep the texts, screenshot everything.

Also re his mum- you don't actually need to talk to her anymore if you don't want to. I'd suggest, politely and clearly, telling her that you will not discuss your relationship with her son. That if she insists you will stop answering.
You can then safely ignore any calls (let them go to message) or texts unless they are directly related to something you want to talk to her about in a civilised 'talking to your DD's grandparent' kind of way.

Keep evidence of him leaving her alone unattended and evidence of his mother backing him. To show he’s not fit for unsupervised contact at least till your DD is old enough to pick a phone up and call for help.

And his mother won’t be much use either as she has the same parenting outlook.

Ex abandoned my eldest once in our house. I was two minutes away begging him to drop her to me at the bus stop or wait but he left her. I can home about five minutes later to a hysterical two year old. I hope he’s abandoned and helpless and terrified some day.

@MadeForThis

It's a good idea to keep communicating through texts. It means you have a dated record of when events occur. I would make sure I can evidence of what happened via text. If he admits now that he left dd alone then he can't deny it later in court.

^ This.

Write a text to him stating clearly, "on X day at X time you said you'd watch DD while I went and had a shower. I came out of shower 15 minutes later and found DD alone in the house wandering around looking for you. I called at X o clock you said XYZ.

You then claimed this is ok on Xday and Yday.
Your mother called me on X date and time and said it's nothing and DD could entertain herself.

Our DD could have died due to your neglect because you couldn't be bothered to supervise a baby for 15 minutes.

You are dangerously negligent and should never be on charge of a child."

I would state it very very clearly like that, so you have a contemporaneous record, in writing, for the court.

There's a reason your mum gave you that advice. If your husband continues to act like this, you may find out why sooner, rather than later!

Sorry just read all of your updates. Good luck with your future OP.

Re do they normally turn nasty?

Ime and from rl and reading on here I'm afraid many of them do unfortunately

Some are confrontational some are more passive aggressive

My ex did a bit of both.

Pass agg - emptying bank accounts, taking the car literally in middle of night without telling me leaving me stuck in a rural location with sod all transport, no shops nearby, taking other valuables from our home while I was out, being late/not turning up for contact, not paying maintenance

More confrontational - turning up drunk/hungover for contact, turning up drunk and battering the door blaming me for the marriage breakdown, accusing me of neglecting our dd to ss and gp (yes really! Thankfully they saw right through his crap), accusing me of having been a terrible wife and mother while we were together...

Fun!

I'm long past it all now, hell at the time though.

When I moved out of the marital home (army quarters) I wouldn't give him the new address BECAUSE of the aggressive behaviour and he tried various methods to find out inc applying to the court using nonsense reasons to try and force me to disclose this and having me followed by a private detective! Who was either crap or actively decided not to give him my address I'm not sure which.

He was absolutely livid when he had to repay the money he'd taken from the bank accounts and my half of the value of the car and other valuables and blew up my phone and email that entire weekend and threatened not to return dd after that contact. That was probably the lowest point. My ex mil managed to talk him down and I got dd back a day later than I should have by which point dd was in a right state!

This was the point at which I refused contact - knowing he could and prob would take me to court over contact but also knowing I had a stack of evidence by that point of the fact he really didn't actually give a shit about dd beyond using her to get to me.

He didn't even bother starting the wheels in motion for contact for 8 months and then again was livid when the court agreed with me that with such a young child and no contact for almost 12 months by that stage there was no way he was getting unsupervised contact and overnights straight away as he was requesting! He actually shouted at the judge!

Suffice to say they don't call it "being estranged" for no reason, he became someone not only I didn't recognise but even his own parents and siblings.

His relationship with them hasn't even fully recovered since, one of his brothers doesn't speak to him at all as a result of his behaviour at this time and the huge amount of stress it caused his parents (his dad was also dealing with a major health issue at the time which ex really didn't consider)

Going through a divorce with someone who is also a parent to your child is incredibly difficult, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it

And it is a case of "through" as in "if you're going through hell keep going"

After my divorce I worked in the wedding industry for a time. One of the clients (young) once said to me that they thought getting divorced was too easy in Uk.

She was marrying less than a year after meeting her fiancé and her family didn't approve of him for very valid reasons! (Addict, ex con - Yep I know!)

My reply was "getting a divorce is far from easy, getting married however is!"

Have you done everything whilst on maternity leave, making his life too easy? All those thankless tasks. Could it be him who is being the selfish one as he doesn’t want this to change by you going back to work. Your mother was bang on - never lose your financial independence. You never know what can happen in the future. Financial independence = freedom. Do not give up your career.

@whattodo202000

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am really lucky that in the interim (while COVID is out in force) my mother will me looking after my DD while I am working. She lives locally and has been furloughed and might be about to be made redundant which is worrying.

I am not going to lie, I read @London1977 and felt like crying - my husband says exactly the same thing and tells me that I have no maternal instinct and am selfish for wanting to go back to work

I am normally so strong and decisive but being a FTM is so hard especially with COVID and no groups. I am going to keep posting here.

My DH has never done a bath time, nappy change, anything to do with DD's upbringing. His contribution as he puts it is going to work which is probably why I am also keen to go back to work so that he hopefully steps up and does more with our DD. Financially what I earn exceeds childcare costs so it really does make sense for me to go back. I would like my DD to go part time to nursery to see other children hopefully after this current lockdown when she will probably be nearly a year old.

You really need to go back to work.

Did you know what his attitude to child-rearing was before you had your DD?

Aargh!

Always check the dates!

He is deeply misogynistic and he seriously believed his life would carry on with no change or compromise and he would go to work and you doing everything else. I suspect that was his Mums life and both of them are livid that you refuse to repeat that pattern.

I told DH to not disappear off at his lunch time without telling me when we are both WFH - it's basic manners!! I am horrified he thought it was ok to leave the house without telling you let alone leave DD alone

Sounds you like you need to block both of them on your phone and tell H he can email you only.

Oh well done to you!!

If you don't want to do it, don't. It's not his decision to keep you at home. He doesn't own you. Go back to work and tell him to mind his own bloody business

Unless he's prepared to be a SAHP himself & share the load, he's being a dick

You've done brilliantly to extricate yourself from this pillock.

He's run home to mummy who will cater to his every need and tell him he is brilliant and faultless and not to listen to the silly wife with her modern ways. Because that's what she's been telling herself all her life.

OP, of course he's crying and begging and telling you he loves you. The irony is, he may even believe it all. Doesn't change the fact that he really just wants you to be his domestic slave and has no real concern for you or for your DD. He genuinely does not understand the problem. How do I know this? I know because you have been talking to him and trying to explain things to him for a YEAR and it's only when you kick him out that he supposedly hears you. That's such bollocks.

I'm sorry you are going through this. And yes, be prepare for him to turn nasty. If there's one thing that's clear about your H its that he 100% truly believes he is in the right and that his view of the world is the right one.

You are being amazing! good luck!

How are things now op?

I hope you're doing ok - thinking of you and sending you very best wishes x