Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

Financially what probably makes the most sense is both of you working part time, so each of you spend some time with your dd and you both use your personal allowance, especially if he is a higher rate tax payer as he will be paying 40% tax whereas in the first 12000 you pay no tax. If he is not willing to do that and spend more time with his daughter then it is just that it is more convenient for him to have you at home.

Oh course he likes having you home- easier, isn't it?

Erm. If he prefers your DD to be looked after at home he could go part time. Or even drop a day. And you do 3 days. She’s only in childcare two days. But he won’t consider that will he?
This is nonsense. This kind of nonsense irritates me greatly.
I’ll be honest and say when our kids were v young DH and I didn’t want them in long hours in day care (in the US so minimal maternity leave). So I worked shorter hours/semi part time and took a bit of a career hit. Six months in I was a bit frustrated and without batting an eyelid DH said he would go part time (he earned/still earns more than me). It meant things were tight for a bit and we were fortunate we were able to do this but he didn’t even bat an eyelid or suggest putting him in full time daycare instead of taking time off. At that point I said to my friends ‘I am not going to give him a medal for being an equal parent.’ I didn’t entirely realise how rare his attitude was though.
It really boils my piss when men do this.

I think you are being very sensible. I went back to work full time and while it wasn't easy, I kept my career on track and my independence. I don't regret my decision and my daughter is a confident, well founded little girl. My partner went part time a year after I went back to work.
My career would've been immeasurably damaged had I took a few years off. Your mother is right, as they mostly always are

You’re being entirely reasonable OP to keep your career and financial independence, this is what is best for both you and your child in the short, medium and long term. Maybe ask him to explain more fully why he wants to change tack so dramatically? His reasoning is a bit vague. What is he afraid of?

" My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave."

So he'll have to do more if you go back to work??

Sorry, meant to put WHEN you go back to work!

I can't believe you didn't throw his hypocrisy right back in his face. Your husband has some cheek. If he's so concerned about his child's welfare, he will then be caring for her on the 3 days you work, won't he?

I would be questioning his motives here. Why can’t he either reduce his working time or arrange his responsibilities so that he has more time with his DD? I bet he has enjoyed the traditional setup with you at home. That model has always benefited men. Keep your career and independence - I think you should defend these even more fiercely now that he has expressed this wish, and be wary of any attempt to sabotage you or keep you dependent.

I cannot stress it enough to you, but basically DO NOT do it. You must return to work. It is incredibly hard to get work again after being a SAHM for years. My biggest regret.

@Cockenspiel

If he thinks it’s selfish, why doesn’t he go part time and look after DD when you’re working?

This. OP. Ask him and let us know.

As everyone else says, why doesn’t he give up his work to stay at home. Suggest it to him, see what he says.

Your right to realise it’s not wise in this climate. It’s not about what your husband enjoys

I agree with all the pp. Your DD has two parents, you've already cut your hours to PT to put your daughter first so he can do that too if he thinks more time with a parent would be best for your DD.
You have a job you enjoy, sounds like stepping out would cause issues later, so it makes no sense for you. Apart from to make DH life easier, facilitating his career progression at the expense of your own.
Don't do it OP.

I agree with the consensus: If he's so concerned about his daughter, then he can do it. Yet he chooses to lay this at your feet and guilt trip you and call you selfish.

If it's so important to him and he believes your daughter should be put first, then he can unselfishly go part time, no?

Please never give up your financial independence, especially now that he has shown true colors, so to speak.

Totally agree with other posters.

Don't give up your career for anything.Your mum was a wise lady.

Your DD is no more responsibility than his. Does he ever do the dinner/bathtime routine? Big red flags here. I hope your contraception is watertight.
If his belief is a SAHP is best he'll be fine taking up the role whilst you get back to work.

Yeah, of course he wants you to stay at home you can do all the boring domestic shit instead of him.

It is particularly important to keep your financial independence and your career on track because you seem to have married a man who is already showing you little respect.
Do not give up your power. This is how it starts. I spent 11 years as a SAHM. I enjoyed a lot of it but if I had the chance to do it all again, I would not and I wouldn’t advise my dds to do it either. I am 50. My children are grown. My career is buggered.

What everybody else said.

DON'T DO IT. You don't want to, which is hugely important. But also, it's a position of huge vulnerability and he's showing signs of being a sexist twat. Never put yourself in the power of a sexist twat.

This about setting up his future excuses for when inevitably need his help more with routines when your back to work (which is also his responsibility)

''It was your choice to return to work''
''I offered to support you''

I had it so together when my oldest was 6 months so totally see how he wants you to stay together, I bet he's enjoying a clean house, dinner sorted. His real life changes when you return to work and he has to share the load and if he doesn't evolve you have serious relationship problems in the future.

My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave.

Why is what he's decided more important than what you've decided? And which days will he be caring for DD?

Your mum is very wise. Listen to her.

Aside from what is your husband doing to make life easier for you all as a family...?

I am a SAHM, have been for 17 years. Even though I've relished being able to be at home and don't feel regret about all this time at home, if I had had a career to return to, I would definitely have returned to work.

I agree with your mother OP about financial independence, you will miss it if you don't have it and re-establishing yourself after time away from the work force is always more difficult than returning to a job that is waiting for you IMHO.

Sounds like he doesn't want to have to do the domestic drudgery that you did whilst on maternity leave.

Sounds like it would be career suicide for you to not go back!!

Im in the same position as aintoagent...except we are now getting divorced. We have No assets, I have no pension...very little savings. Im basically screwed. I was married for a long, long time and always thought I was safe and my marriage sacred. Please don’t end up like this. Its terrifying.