Cross dressing - wise words needed

[Understatedhyperbole]

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

Research AGP - autogynaephilia. It's a paraphilia and often the stepping stone to becoming trans identified for older males. Good luck.

No experience, but this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. There's no way of knowing whether it can be kept out of your relationship though or whether it will grow and grow unless you talk to him.

There are parts of sexuality that don't need to be shared in a relationship, as long as there's honesty - that's more of an issue, although it is understandable why he lied. Do you feel betrayed? How did you find out?

He's having an affair - with himself. Don't think you have to go forward with him.

The only thing you can do is talk to him OP. If he would like to keep his business as a special private thing for him alone to indulge in then I would see that as a small basis to offer some leeway to both you and him. It will not stop because he finds some comfort in this actions its something he feels he needs and thats ok for him do privately I guess I could put up with that however if it is a sign that he wishes to become free to chose and embrace this side of him in public then its a different matter.either way you know whats acceptable to you or not as the case maybe,however until you have a frank calm non judgemental,honest conversation you will never know. He may want to talk he may not its a tough situation for all involved.

No personal experience, but this would be a 100% dealbreaker for me. This isn't just about him wearing women's clothes, it's paraphilia. I would be out the door and down the hall.

How did you find out?
Is this something he does in private, or is there a social life attached to it?

www.transwidowsvoices.org/

This is also for women’s whose partners cross dress .

Research AGP - autogynaephilia. It's a paraphilia and often the stepping stone to becoming trans identified for older males. Good luck

Came here to say the same thing.

Also, you’re allowed to not be okay with this. Some people might try and woke-guilt you into being ‘open minded’, but if this is a turn off for you, then that’s totally fine. Draw your boundaries wherever they’re comfortable for YOU.

Do you think this is why his previous marriage/partnership may have ended?

I’d want to know why. Is it a sexual fetish or does he want to be a “woman”.

Not sure the answer would make a difference I couldn’t find them sexually attractive anymore but it might to you as you adore him as a person.

Sexual fetish might be kept to his own personal wanking! Being a woman, slightly more complex!!

No personal experience but human behaviour would say if he’s into this and you accept it then it’s likely to have a gradual creep into your life as it’s more accepted so be prepared.

It's been 3 years and he's managed to do it on his own time and it has not encroached on your blended time. I see no reason that will change. Not all crossdressers want to dress up in public or with there partner. Many are happy to dress up in private. So no reason acknowledging it will mean he'll want to change things from how they are now.

You have choices

1. Don't mention it, and if you get over your distaste, just carry on in your happy relationship.

You might find some wisdom about this over on the Feminist board.
Don't be put off by the title, but check out the trans widows threads. The women on there have a lot of experience with cross dressing partners and can empathise and give you some reflections.

It would be a deal breaker for me probably. I would want to speak with him and ask if he can contain it but it's more likely that he will seek other people (prostitutes or even men) to indulge his fetish.

I’m pretty sure he won’t kill himself. I’m not out to shame him or make anything public and he lives for his kids.

I’m going to talk to him, but need to get my head straight first of all and just get through the ‘shock’ stage. I’m feeling pretty tearful and very stupid for daring to think I might finally have found a decent guy and the fallout for all our kids will be horrible. Without disclosing too much they are all badly in need of stability.

I found out by checking up on him online and finding a deleted email receipt for some CD gear. I’m not proud of it, but I have learnt to trust my gut feelings. I really wish I wasn’t typing this right now.

will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged

Generally speaking, don't things tend to grow when they are resisted and that being acknowledged tends to settle things down.

The honesty would worry me a lot more than anything else. But if there is honestly shame around dressing outside the societal norms, I would need a lot of honest conversations to see how I really felt about it.

If you can't discuss, then there may not be a relationship worth salvaging. If you can, then anything is possible. All the best.

Oops...
You'd obviously need to get over the feeling he lied by omission. People have secrets and this on doesn't actually affect you unless he does want to be out (not everyone does).

1. Discuss it with him and say you don't want it to encroach on your relationship.

It's just clothes and make up. It is more often a stress relief to move away from demands of masculinity rather than sexual or a desire to be female. Remember, lots of male reality stars wear make up. And even Harry Styles wears dresses.

The fact is that he lied to you. You could ask what else he is not telling you.
For me he has two reasons not to continue that relationship.

I do see an essential unfairness about men cross dressing. I am clear that I am a woman, but am a very casual dresser. I live in jeans/leggings/t shirts. I own very few clothes than a man could not easily wear and no one noticed.

I don't consider myself a cross dresser and don't think anyone would ever think like that about my clothing choices, though I am sometimes occasionally 'encouraged' to be a bit 'tidier'. I do see an essential inequality here

If he is ‘trans’ then it’s a clear no - but I’m not sure that this is.

It has never been brought into our sex life, which has always been very enjoyable. He is a considerate lover - not selfish at all.

I honestly think it’s the lying that’s the worst thing - I just can’t do this again. I’m trying really hard not to beat myself up for being so stupid but I just feel so utterly pathetic right now - how can this happen to me again (betrayal and lies)

Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s better you find out now before you marry or live together.

I think you can and probably should sit with this a while and sort out your own feelings first. It's a really polarising subject - you will get people telling you this is the start of his trans journey and doing anything other than affirming and celebrating this is doing him actual harm; you'll get others saying it's an AGP; still others will tell you to pack his bags without letting the door hit him on the way out.

It's really important to give yourself time to work out what YOU want and how YOU feel. Then you need to talk to him. Then you need to do what is right for YOU. 20 years ago I probably would have not even worried about this, I knew loads of old-style cross dressers. Today, I wouldn't want to be a lesbian support human in someone else's fantasy. But that's me, and I'm not you.

This wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me by any means. The hiding it from you is, I think, an understandable kneejerk reaction to something that he may feel is shameful and ultimately he obviously had no intention of affecting you in any way (so you didn't need to know).

I don't know what my OH wanks to when I'm not there. I don't need to know. This would fall into the same category for me.

(Obviously it's different if it's more than that, he wants it to become part of your sex life, etc etc - but given how long you've been together and that your sex life is good as is, I don't see that being the case!)

@TinselAngel will have wise words here, I'm sure.

But at the end of the day, your boundaries are your boundaries. Don't let anyone make you feel that you have to negotiate or change that.

Men like Bowie, Boy George, Adam Ant, Harry Styles, etc dressing in feminine clothing is perfectly acceptable self-expression. As is Katharine Hepburn and Greta Garbo wearing men’s suits. Neither sex is or should be defined by stereotypes associated with clothes and makeup.

When a man dresses in women’s clothing for the sole purpose of sexual gratification, that takes on a different meaning. As mentioned upthread, it becomes paraphilic. The man is aroused by the thought and sight of himself dressed as (what he perceives to be) an object for the male gaze. The clothes choices and makeup styles are rooted in patriarchal and misogynistic ideas about women and what men find attractive about women.